Arianna and Rand
“It’s been unusually quiet in the Wheel of Time department these last few days,” Roger remarked. His partner, Louise, barely acknowledged that he had spoken. As usual, when not on a mission, Louise was reading. “Hey, Lou,” the nineteen-year old Caucasian said. “Have you heard me at all?”
“Don’t call me ‘Lou,’” the Asian girl replied. “And yes, I did hear what you said. I just didn’t respond. Now, most likely because you said that, we will have a mission soon.” She continued reading.
“Bookworm,” Roger muttered. Whenever she was stubborn, the only thing that would separate Louise from her books would be an emergency or a mission.
“Yes,” Louise retorted airily. “I know that I’m a bookworm. Now stop bothering me.”
“Or what?”
“Or I see to that by the time of our next mission, you won’t be able to go.” With that threat, the fifteen-year old resumed her reading. Roger stared at her. Considering her skills at killing Sues (Some of her methods weren’t appropriate for a girl her age, Roger thought.), it was quite likely that she was able to carry out her threat.
Roger sighed. Louise was young for a PPC assassin, but she was rather violent at times. She usually was very logical, more than she was emotional. If she felt like it, however, she would use her knife on anything in the surrounding area. She certainly was intelligent, but she could do with less violence, he thought. Doubtless, she would not agree.
His thoughts turned to himself. He had started young as well, working for other departments as an extra before settling down in the Wheel of Time division. He had been an agent in the Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings department as well. Those were much more hectic than the Wheel of Time department. This continuum was quiet, but sometimes too much quiet turned into boredom.
There wasn’t anything much to do. He could brush up his Wheel of Time knowledge, to refresh his memory, but he had no desire to do it. Looking around the room didn’t provide much interest. It was a standard office, complete with the drab white walls. In one corner, there was a bookshelf, filled with Wheel of Time books and PPC instruction manuals, labeled “Reference.” Near it, a cabinet was filled with PPC equipment and reports of previous missions. The desk, where he was, was adjacent to the console. Louise, on the other side of the room, was still reading.
Unfortunately for her, the console started to beep a minute later. The console’s lights flashed as well.
Louise glared at the console. “Just when I thought I’d be able to finish my book. Roger, get it please.” She carefully marked her place in the book.
Roger pressed some buttons. “It’s a Mary Sue again.”
“What type?” Louise started packing.
“This Sue is in love with Rand. It’s set during the opening chapters of The Eye of the World.” Roger grimaced. He hated all Sues who fell in love with Rand. Actually, he hated all Sues, but Sues that fell in love with Rand were the worst.
“In love with Rand?” Louise disliked those Sues as well, yet some others were worse. “Any other offences? And Roger, where’s the Bleeprin?” Bleeprin, a combination of bleach and aspirin that mellowed the effects of badfic, was very popular with PPC agents.
“The Bleeprin’s in the cabinet. Top drawer.” He watched as Louise found the Bleeprin. “Also, the Sue’s the daughter of Moiraine and Lan.”
Louise did not take lightly to this. Her favorite character was Nynaeve, and because Nynaeve married Lan, she despised all stories where Lan, or Nynaeve, was with anyone else. The references in the books about Lan sleeping with others were bearable, but fanfictions with that content were appropriate sources to despise. “What?” she managed to say, but it sounded strangled. “The books specifically mentioned that Moiraine had no romantic interest in Lan!”
As a result, Louise glared at the console. It was a rather good glare, as she had practiced her glares often. The glare was mainly was directed at Sues, but Roger had received a fair share as well.
“Louise?” Roger tried to get her to stop glaring at the console. “Louise, we’d better go soon.”
“What? Oh, yes, we should.” After one last glare to the console, she resumed attempting to fit her book into the pack.
Roger tapped a few more buttons. “Disguises,” he informed Louise, “are what Nynaeve likes to call ‘good, stout Two Rivers woolens.’”
“’Kay.” She now was squeezing the deck of cards in. “Finished!” she cried in an exuberant tone.
Meanwhile, Roger had finished setting up the portal. An oblong doorway appeared from nowhere.
“Coming?” he asked while stepping through the doorway. He barely heard Louise’s cry of “Wait up!”
Stepping into a story always had a strange sensation about it, especially if a Mary Sue was there. Roger tried to ignore the momentary dizziness once he stepped into the Widow Aynal’s Meadow in Emond’s Field. Luckily, canon characters couldn’t see him, and non-canons would dismiss him as another random character. He saw Louise coming out behind him. Apparently, she had no trouble with dizziness. She also looked older and had a braid. The disguise had seen to that.
Roger looked around. A river was flowing through the Widow Aynal’s Meadow in Emond’s Field. The Words said that the Sue was sitting “on the banks of the Winespring, bare feet dangling into the cool waters.”
"The Winespring has bare feet?" Louise asked skeptically. "I'll write the charges."
“The Sue also has strawberry blond hair,” Roger remarked. “Another charge.”
“Idiot Sues who can’t get genetics right,” Louise muttered while writing it down. “The Sue claims to be the daughter of Lan and Moiraine, who both have dark hair, and she has the audacity to go and have reddish blond hair!”
Roger had been busy looking at the Words. “Look, Louise, if Egwene’s nine in the story, then Rand would have to be eleven. That mean’s the Sue should be at most eleven. However, she describes Rand as though he’s at least seventeen, and she fourteen or fifteen.”
Louise was busily scribbling—neatly scribbling—everything down. “Matrim Cauthon does not resemble a rat!” she said furiously once she had seen the Words.
Once Louise had finished ranting, Roger motioned for her to follow the Sue. The Sue was supposed to do work, but instead of doing it, she went to look for Rand, Perrin, or Mat. She found out that they were in the sheep pen, and the agents followed her there.
Rand was proclaiming, “I’d like to be a king!”
Boys other than Rand, Perrin, and Mat were there as well. They were sweating, and the Sue thought it disgusting.
“Well, it’s your own fault that you wanted to look for them,” Louise commented.
Mat fell onto the ground. (“Mat’s not an idiot!” Louise raged—calmly. How anyone could do that, Roger did not know. “What does this author have against Mat!”) The Sue sat on the fence, and Rand sat next to her. He put an arm around her waist, although he did look dazed. “Forget Egwene,” the Sue thought. “He loved her and she loved him.”
“Let me have the Character Analysis Device,” Roger told Louise, who was seething by now. He pointed it at the Sue.
[Arianna Damodred Mandragoran. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.] The letters flashed as well.
“Thought so.” He turned it to Mat.
[Matrim Cauthon. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 60.5% CHARACTER RUPTURE!] The letters flashed. Now for Perrin.
[Perrin Aybara. Human Male. Canon. Out of Character 15.2%]
[Rand al’Thor. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 64.4% CHARACTER RUPTURE!] it flashed again. Louise started cursing the Sue.
“I never knew that you knew so many curses, Loui—prepare for time shift!” There was no time to prepare. One moment, all was well. The next, everything flashed around the two agents. A second later, it had settled down again.
Roger got up from the floor. Louise looked slightly dizzy, but she hadn’t fallen. He would have to know how she stood it. “We’re—we’re in Rand’s point of view now,” she told him. “And it’s a few years later.”
Tam and Rand were walking down the road. Rand was looking forwards to seeing Perrin, Mat, and Arianna, but his eyes dulled when he thought about Arianna. (“He’s trying to resist her,” Roger told Louise. "As if I didn't know already," Louise retorted.) Rand thought that it was odd that everybody in the village thought he liked Egwene al’Vere when he actually liked Arianna. Suddenly, Rand thought that he and his father were being followed. He saw “a man, adorned with black from head to toe.” Tam asked him what the matter was, and Rand answered that he saw a man behind them. Tam said that Rand was seeing things.
“No if ands or buts,” Tam said.
Roger pointed the CAD again.
[Tam al’Thor. Human Male. Canon. Out of Character 32.9%]
Rand said, “Okay.”
“Charge list?” Louise asked. "Rand would never just say 'Okay.'"
“I’ll write it.”
Rand and Tam finally reached Emond’s Field. On the back of Cenn Buie’s wagon, Arianna was reading Perrin’s palm. Rand was jealous. Perrin looked up and hurriedly pulled his hand away.
“Now why should he do that,” Roger murmured. “Mary Sues have no sense at all. If they’re all friends, Rand wouldn’t have minded those two together.”
Arianna ran towards Rand and threw her arms around his neck. Roger noticed that Rand grimaced a bit, but then he mechanically swung Arianna around. Tam greeted Perrin and Arianna. Rand and Arianna headed towards the Winespring Inn. Once they were there, Egwene stepped out. She saw Rand and Arianna together, glared at Arianna (“Good!” Louise said. “She’s resisting as well!”), and said hello to Rand.
“Egwene, be a dear and help Master al’Thor with the wine,” the Sue said.
“Anything to help,” Egwene replied.
“There’s a good girl!” Arianna called.
“That’s not Egwene!” Louise cried. “And how dare the Sue treat her this way!” Once Arianna and Rand had entered the Winespring Inn, Louise started sharpening her knife.
“Not yet!” Roger hissed at they entered the inn. Louise sniffed, but she put her knife away.
In the common room, Nynaeve was shrieking at Cenn Buie and Bran al’Vere. When Louise heard the horribly out of character Nynaeve, she started to finger her knife. “The Sue won’t notice,” she explained. "She's a Sue. Logically, she wouldn't notice anything that didn't concern her." Roger sighed. Sometimes Louise's combination of logic and temper was strange.
“HOW MUCH DID YOU HEAR?!?!” Nynaeve roared, although she glared daggers at the Sue. Louise was too busy digging through her pack to find an umbrella, for shielding the punctuation storm, to notice.
“Here it is!” Louise opened the umbrella. “And Roger, I claim this Sue. She will not mangle Nynaeve so.”
Arianna, Perrin, and Rand jumped back and clutched each other. They were terrified of Nynaeve.
“All right,” Roger responded. “But did you see Nynaeve? You should take glaring lessons from her.” The punctuation storm ceased.
“Oh, pull yourselves together!” Cenn Buie said.
Roger wrote down “making Cenn Buie use modern euphemisms” as a charge.
“Light” Cenn continued. “You’re eighteen years of age, there is no need to be afraid of Nynaeve who is barely twenty yet.”
“Cenn himself treads warily around Nynaeve!” Louise exclaimed. “And Nynaeve is at least twenty-four, since she was twenty-six in Lord of Chaos, not ‘barely twenty!’”
Roger turned the CAD towards Nynaeve.
[Nynaeve al’Meara. Human female. Canon. Out of character 46.2%.]
Rand, Perrin, and Arianna ran into the kitchen. Mistress al’Vere gave them food. They ran to the meadow to eat. While they were eating and conversing, the two agents were lounging around nearby. Louise found this a prime time to sharpen her knife.
When the Sue, Rand, and Perrin finished, the Sue read Rand’s palm. “We can charge her for being a phony fortune teller,” Roger said to Louise, who had finished sharpening her knife. “She says that Rand won’t have any children, when we know that Elayne will have twins.”
Mat ran up and tripped. He fell into a pile of sheep manure. “What does this Sue have against Mat?” Louise muttered. Mat told them of the gleeman, and he said that “a lord and lady have come to Emond’s Field!” “And Mat’s not the messenger,” Louise said in a resigned tone. Mat told them about the “lord and lady,” and said that the lady was “very beautiful, but not as beautiful as Arianna.”
“Curse Arianna!” Louise exclaimed. “In The Eye of the World, Rand and Mat were awed by Moiraine!”
“The man sounds like a Warder!” Arianna said.
“But then, the lady would have to be Aes Sedai,” Perrin replied.
Roger was busy scribbling charges into the charge list. When Ewin Finngar suggested that Lan was a Warder, the others scoffed at him. Just like a Sue, Roger thought. When she does or says anything stupid, the others applaud her. Or, in this case, the others don’t bother correcting her.
Arianna finally noticed what Rand was wearing, and she said that he looked handsome. Rand asked her to dance with him, and she accepted. She accepted the offers from Perrin and Mat as well. Mat had to make puppy eyes at her for her to accept. Louise was fingering her knife again.
Nearby, Egwene was behind a bush glaring at the Sue. She was jealous, and she wanted Rand. She planned to tell a secret about Arianna that would make Arianna’s perfect life not so perfect. She knew that Arianna was not from the Two Rivers. She thought that maybe Rand was, as well.
“That a charge!” Louise muttered angrily. “Making Egwene stupid! Egwene would know that it wouldn’t matter to anyone whether the Sue’s from the Two Rivers or not! Also, it rather obvious that the Sue’s not from the area!” Roger couldn’t hear her last words, for he felt the dizziness that meant a time shift was coming. Everything spun.
When all was still, it was night. They were still in the meadow. “Rand’s not supposed to be here,” Roger said once his dizziness went away. “He’s supposed to be going to his farm. There isn’t supposed to be a gathering at the meadow.”
Louise, nearby, huffed. “I know.”
Everyone started dancing. Rand, looking longingly towards Egwene, danced with the Sue. The Sue didn’t notice. When Arianna rested her head against Rand’s shoulder, he looked ready to vomit.
“I knew Rand was strong!” Louise chirped happily.
Egwene jogged over to Arianna and Rand. She led the Sue away from the main group of people, and Rand and the agents followed. Egwene told the Sue that she wasn’t from the Two Rivers. Rand was outraged. He defended the Sue, all the while glaring at her.
“Egwene!” Rand cried. “How could you say such things!”
“What?! It’s the truth. My sister, Berowyn, told me!” Egwene retorted. The two agents took shelter under the umbrella again. “Your mother is a Tar Valon witch and your father is her Warder!” Egwene shouted.
Roger wrote down “Making Egwene hate Aes Sedai and referring to them as Tar Valon witches” as a charge.
Egwene said that her sister, Berowyn, said that Arianna’s parents brought her to the Two Rivers to keep her safe. Cenn Buie had agreed to take her in.
“So you mean,” Arianna said, “everything I’ve known all my life…”
“…is a lie!” Egwene finished.
“You horrible little girl!” Rand roared. He embraced the Sue with a wince.
“First,” Louise, hidden in the shadows, started icily, “who cares whether the Sue was born in the Two Rivers or not? Second, Egwene is not a girl. She has her hair braided, which means that she is considered a woman.” It was her tone that revealed how furious she was.
“Sues are just irrational, Lou,” Roger replied. She coldy stared at him.
Out of curiosity’s sake, he pointed the CAD at Egwene’s retreating back.
[Egwene al’Vere. Human female. Canon. Out of character 53.6%. CHARACTER RUPTURE!]
Meanwhile, Moiraine and Lan approached Rand and Arianna when Egwene left. Moiraine revealed that she was Arianna’s mother, and Lan was her father. However, Roger noticed, both of them looked as though the Sue was the scum of the earth. Their faces barely showed anything, but it was clear to the PPC agents what Moiraine and Lan though.
“HOW DO YOU KNOW?” Rand demanded. Roger wrote another charge onto the list.
Louise looked at the Words. “They talk for a while. Moiraine’s and Lan’s personalities are butchered.” She pulled out two pairs of earphones from her pack and offered one to him. He accepted. When the Sue and the badly butchered canon characters finished talking, they walked towards to the Winespring Inn. Louise replaced the earphones, and she and Roger followed.
In the common room of the inn, Arianna and Moiraine took seats. Lan paced.
“Well, Arianna, we will understand of you are angry with us for springing such a nasty surprise on you, but…” Moiraine said. She glanced at Lan. He was still pacing. She glared at Arianna before continuing. “Well, it all started with a little too much mead—”
“Which, by the way, was YOUR fault Moiraine!” Lan interrupted, but the words were dragged out. Good, Moiraine and Lan can resist as well, Roger thought. But, his head still felt ready to explode from the bad characterization. He waited for Louise’s furious interjection on the situation. When he didn’t get it, he saw her with a pair of earphones on, sharpening her already sharp knife.
When she saw him staring, she removed her earphones and said, “You do have the charge list, yes? Or do you want me to write the charges down? I am watching what they are doing, if not listening.”
“I’ll write it,” he replied. She nodded, replaced her earphones, and pulled out a new knife to sharpen.
“…keep your tongue behind you lips and sit down for a moment!” “Moirain” screeched. Lan slyly smiled, stuck his tongue out, pulled it back in, sat down, and immediately stood up again. For a moment, Roger considered doing what Louise was doing. “Light burn you Lan!” Moiraine continued. “I hate it when he takes my word literally!” She sighed.
Arianna remarked, “You two don’t seem seriously enough to be a Warder or an Aes Sedai.”
“Oh, I think Lan is making an exception for you; consider yourself lucky.” Moiraine chuckled. Roger glared at the Sue. Moiraine did not chuckle. Calling Lan not serious, except for a few occasions, was saying that charcoal was white. He was about to ask Louise for the other pair of earphones, but he didn’t, for the sake of the charge list.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lan stonily asked.
“Nothing, Lan, off with you.” Moiraine waved him off. She continued, “I’ll get back to the story now. As I said before, it all started with a little too much mead...to make a LONG story short, nine months from that day, you popped out. The life of an Aes Sedai does not make the rearing of a child the least bit easy. We both wanted you to grow up normally. I think you do prefer growing up around other children in a quiet village like Emond’s Field as opposed to chasing Trollocs?”
“Well, I suppose so bu—wait a second!” the Sue exclaimed. “Did you say ‘chasing TROLLOCS?’” When Moiraine answered in the affirmative, Arianna laughed. “Trollocs are just a thing out of a Gleeman’s tale!”
Well, Roger thought, somebody doesn’t know her capitalization rules. Near him, he heard Louise take out another knife.
Moiraine raised an eyebrow. Arianna said, “I mean, Trollocs aren’t real…are they?”
Lan roared, “LIGHT!!!”
Louise winced. “I need to pack snerchmuffs next time,” she said. Snerchmuffs, a type of earphones with glosnerch built in, were very efficient at blocking out all noise. “Ow,” she said when a punctuation mark landed on her. At a question eyebrow from him, she said, “I can’t use the umbrella here; it’s too obvious.” She found earplugs from her pack and handed a pair to him, along with a pair of earphones.
Meanwhile, Lan continued roaring. Even with the earplugs and earphones, Roger could still hear the grossly out of character Lan. “OF COURSE TROLLOCS ARE REAL! THE FOLK OF MALKIER AND THE BORGERLANDS DON’T WASTE THEIR LIVES FIGHTING EVIL TREES IN THE BLIGHT YOU KNOW!”
Roger turned the CAD to Lan. He half-expected it to break from the OOC-ness.
[Lan Mandragoran. Human male. Canon. Out of character 82.6%. CHARACTER RUPTURE!]
Thankfully, it didn’t. He pointed it towards Moiraine.
[Moiraine Damodred. Human female. Canon. Out of character 54.4%. CHARACTER RUPTURE!]
As soon as Lan’s rant was finished, another booming voice was heard. Roger sighed. He hated in-story author’s notes. “I THINK THAT THERE ARE ACTALLY EVIL TREES IN THE BLIGHT,” a voice boomed, “I’M NOT SURE, I’LL GO CHECK MY COPY OF THE EYE OF THE WORLD…EVENTUALLY…I’M IN THE ‘WRITING ZONE’ RIGHT NOW, MUST NOT STOP!!!” Both of the agents winced. Louise offered Roger some Bleeprin. He accepted it graciously.
“More punctuation storms?” she commented dryly.
“Yes, yes Lan,” Moiraine said. “Enough about your Light forsaken, deprived childhood.” Turning to the Sue, she explained. “Trollocs are real, and Gleeman’s—” Roger saw Louise glare at the Sue when she heard the grammar error—“Tales are not really tales.”
“Even the ones about Aes Sedai being cruel witches an—” the Sue started to ask.
“NO!” Moiraine cried. “Other than those ones, yes they are real.”
The Sue asked whether she could use the Once Power. Moiraine replied, “Yes.” and started to explain saidin and saidar.
After a while, Thom Merrilin came in. “Well, well, well!” he said. “What have we here? Did I hear something about Gleeman’s tales? Would you like to hear how Lews Therin Telamon and the 100 Companions broke the world?”
Moiraine told the Sue to follow the gleeman and to enjoy herself. Thom left, and Arianna, a few paces behind, followed.
Louise took off her earplugs and earphones and stuffed them into the sack. She stuffed Roger’s, as well. “We should have enough charges,” she stated. “Now we kill her.” Roger nodded.
Arianna was following Thom Merrilin, when two figures appeared in front of her. One man, one woman, and both from the Two Rivers, it seemed. “I’ll read the charges,” the woman said to the man. Both of them approached her.
“Arianna Damodred Mandragoran,” the woman started, “you are charged with being the daughter of Lan and Moiraine, messing with Egwene’s age, making Mat a fool, making Mat short, making Mat resemble a rat”—she took a breath—“having strawberry blond hair when Moiraine and Lan both have dark hair, making Rand al’Thor fall in love with you, butchering the canon characters’ personalities, being lazy, making Mat clumsy”—she took another breath—“making the village—I can barely read your writing, Roger!—stupid because everybody thought that Rand liked Egwene, making Tam use modern euphemisms, making Rand be jealous, making Nynaeve shriek and roar, making Cenn Buie use modern euphemisms, messing with Nynaeve’s age, using excessive punctuation, having grammar and capitalization errors”—another breath—“being a fortune tellers who tells incorrect fortunes, saying stupid things, making Egwene stupid, making Egwene hate Aes Sedai and referring to them as Tar Valon witches, making Rand roar, badly butchering Moiraine’s and Lan’s personalities, have in-story author’s notes, and making Thom use modern language.” She smiled. “Any last words?”
Arianna hadn’t been listening. Who were these people? “I don't care who you are, or what you're going to do," she said defiantly. "I love Rand, and he loves me.”
The woman smiled again. “I thought she would say that. This will be simple,” she said. Arianna looked at her curiously, and then paled in terror. A knife had lodged in her throat. Within a few moments, she was dead.
Louise calmly retrieved her knife from the Sue’s throat. “Roger, can you set the portal?” she asked. He nodded, and soon, a portal had appeared. Both of them stepped through just as canon flickered back into place.
Once back at Headquarters, Roger wearily collapsed into a chair. Louise followed suit, except she didn’t exactly collapse.
"I am very thankful that there are very few Sues in the Wheel of Time continuum," he said. "Louise? What about you?" When he received no answer, he glanced at her. She was reading again. How could she read after such a mission?
“Bloody bookworm,” he muttered loud enough for her to hear. She just gave him an insufferable grin, and then returned to her book.
[A/N: The story that was PPC'd was titled "Arianna and Rand." If you would like to view it, here is the link.]
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