| Cheap Shots... |
| The rundown of the situation(s) with the various "gentlemen" in my life..... |
| The First Love I'm not sure, but it's possible that i come across as a flaky kind of gal (when it comes to guys anyway) - and i just thought i should write this section before i lose the chance to redeem a softer, affectionate side of myself. Outback Jack, as i shall refer to him, was supposed to be called "The Atheist", but it just didn't seem to convey anything of use. It seemed like a negative way of portraying him (depending on how you look at atheism, of course), but it just wasn't complete. Okay, I'll begin. We had together known eachother for about 6 months or so before we really "got together". It was more of a gradual progression into a relationship than a single day where everything changed. It was around Valentine's day of 1999, when he first told me he loved me. We had become really close friends, and we could tell eachother anything... we had an incredible bond. It must've been soon after that, that we became a "couple". Of course our relationship wasn't perfect..even before this, we bickered, quarelled, screamed... but everything always went back to the way it was: comfortable. Perhaps it was the beginning of the end, right from the start. He was always the combative type. He had an opinion about everything, and he was always ready to argue his point and tell me why my opinion was flawed. You name it: abortion, drugs, advertising, music, religion...the list was neverending. It didn't help that he had an uncontrollable temper -it was scary for me at times...i couldn't deal with that. I admit that I'm a bit of a wuss at times... these fights or disagreements would usually end up in tears, and we wouldn't speak for a few minutes... or hours. Days. We could be pretty dysfuncional at times. I just wanted to clarify that although i'm making references to events etc in the past tense, they still apply somewhat...since he and i still talk.... We went through a lot of crap. In hindsight, i realise that my constant nagging, and controlling mentality was quite odd. There was a time before we were together, when he was constantly smoking up (hourly), dropping E at raves, taking speed, LSD.... it made me crazy, and drove me into fits of tears and rage. I spent endless nights sobbing... worried about what he was doing. i evenually made it clear that i couldn't handle that kind of stress, and that would be the end of "us" if he continued. I remember nearly breaking it off right before New Year, 2000. He was planning to go to a rave, and had a whole lot of drugs lined up. I had planned to go to my friend's cottage up north with some others, and try to forget about it all. There were many times like this in our relationship. I threatened to break up with him a number of times...but he could never understand why. It always came back to: "What exactly is it that bothers you about it? It wouldn't bother me, unless you were doing it (drugs) with a bunch of other guys." This served as a huge stumbling block for us; although it isn't what marked the end of us. He was frustrated with me, and my apparent "conflicts with being a good little Catholic girl".I can understand this to some extent... since it had been a lonnnggg stretch. A long haul of fooling around... and nothing else. Religion really wasn't the problem; i wanted to be true to myself... and make sure i was doing what was right for me. Blaming religion...and "how controlling and bad it is" made it easier for him to rationalise my "delays" (and of course, yelling at me). I was scared, and to me, sex was a big deal. He didn't understand that at all. I remember one afternoon he screamed at me in the car: "why is it it such a big deal? don't you love me?? <insert random profanity everywhere> can't you just spread your legs and fuck?!?". That was it, i wasn't just hesitant at this point...i was ANGRY, and horrified with him. I couldn't believe he was saying these words. But at the same time, i didnt know what was holding me back - it was mostly fear... anxiety. Although at this point, it was mainly just spite. I was truly offended. It got to a point where i told him to just do whatever he had to do...with someone else, if he didn't want to wait. i'll never forget how he looked into my eyes and said the words..we both had tears in our eyes ... "But i want it to be with you". Time went on, and we just continued to go on the way we always had. Eventually, i was ready... and to this day, i have no regrets. I can't say it was "the most romantic thing i've ever experienced" ...although, in a way it was... I loved him immensely, and there was no doubt in my mind, that i wanted to share this with him. I can say that i will never forget it, and I'm glad it was with him. That means a hell of a lot (to me, anyway). The time was coming... I had been accepted to the University i had always wanted to go to. I was planning where i was going to live, and talking about how excited i was. He felt lost...like part of my past, that was going to eventually fade away. Another complication: In August 2000, he went back to Australia to do the last year of his university degree. I was left here, to ponder (realistically), about what would happen next. I think he was always in constant fear that i would end things between us, but i didn't. I was afraid to - I didn't want our relationship to ever end. I didn't think that anyone else could love me the way he did... i didnt think that i'd ever feel that way about anyone ever again. So far, I haven't felt the same about anyone else... and i haven't felt that kind of love from anyone else either.. ....then along came The Cute American.... The end of December 2000 is when i decided it was time to stop. The long distance thing wasn't working out with all of the work i had at school. I needed space.. being at uni and all. You know: time to grow, and find myself. i'm a clichee, aren't I? Well, that's what he thought. When i did have time, i didnt' want to be on the phone, or at my computer fighting about whether i was "still his". All we did was fight when we were in contact, and it was making me bitter - i was forgetting why we were even together. I was in a constant state of guilt, and eventually i said it was time to say goodbye to US. It took a few tries, and a lot of tears, but it stuck...i eventually stopped going back. I've definitely matured a lot since our relationship ...ceased to exist. He didn't talk to me for many months after the "real" end, but we both worked through it. Slowly but surely. At the present time, Outback Jack is still Down Under. |
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| "Outback Jack" |
| If you don't hate reading this painful drivel, continue with... |
| "Mr. Fix-It" |