In this new sober life, I have faced everything and more than when I drank. This is not to say that I did not anger, fear, mourn, or feel the barbs of life. Much to the contrary! After so many years of denying my feelings, I welcomed the ability to feel anything. The only thing that I can compare it to is when someone has allowed a limb like a leg to go to sleep. When it comes alive again, the sensations are exaggerated. It took some time to learn to live with these new feelings, but finally, I was free to experience and explore them. I had kept them bound up and buried inside me for far too long. What I did with them this time was different. Rather than deny and bury my feelings, I learned to work through them. I had learned that everything in the Universe is moved and resounds from cause and effect. I had to seek out the cause of my negative reactions to everything. Seeking the positive in all around me gave me the hope to look at myself as worthy to receive the love and peace I had longed for. By doing this, and sharing with others, the effect that it had on my life has changed for the positive.
Once out in the open, these old ghosts didn’t look as scary, and were easier to deal with. I had to be honest. I had to stick to the facts, looking only at my part of things past. The past was done. I couldn’t change that. I learned that some of the damage I caused could be repaired, but not all.
I learned how to do that, and when to leave well enough alone. I also learned that I could not control the future, but by planning and setting goals I become better prepared to face and deal with what’s coming. I learned to cope. I learned the value of friends and how to cultivate them. Most importantly, I learned how to live with myself on a day to day basis. Today is truly all I have to count on. Tomorrow and yesterday are just dreams.
This brings me to the second most important lesson I was taught: the need for maintenance. After achieving some success in my new life, I became lax and undisciplined in my spiritual maintenance. Soon I was caught up in the negative again.
One morning I got up, dressed, and was on my way to work when I realized just how fatigued of my life I was. I had dreaded every mile, every stoplight, every minute of my ritualistic daily journey into the mundane.
Focusing on what was wrong with my little piece of the Universe, my interactions with others were negative as well. I was spending a great deal of effort in pointing out what was wrong with everything and everyone.
Most of us torpedo all of our best efforts due to the baggage from the past that we carry with us.
By ignoring the positive, I robbed myself of the day’s strength. After a short time of this, I was right back where I started.
I began to take things personal. When there was a difference of opinion, or constructive criticism I tended to think that it was a personal affront to my performance or skill.
Fortunately this time, I only lost my job.
How did I get that bad off? Several things happened over a period of six years. My mother and several other family members, friends, and co-workers died. My wife’s health had seriously deteriorated. As a result we were under a severe financial hardship. I rebelled at the management changes going on where I worked. I took it all personally and thought that I had to fix it.
Continue to Conclusion
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