The Seed of The Apocalypse


In the small, pious town of Goodington, an unwitting grille operator sets in motion the beginning of the apocalypse by fulfilling an ancient prophecy involving the devil and a triple-ultimate burger. God calls up to heaven all the righteous souls, leaving hordes upon hoards of zombies to roam the earth and feed upon the living. After the grille operator realizes that he is the second coming of our lord, Jesus Christ, he arms himself to the teeth with guns and starts destroying zombies left, right, and center with his sawed-off shotgun. He also becomes reacquainted with Jesus' sword, blessed by the original saviour himself. After rescuing his girlfriend, Lilah Morgan*, he refuses the devil's invitation to join the forces of evil. There is also an apocalyptic battle between Jesus two and the black horseman of the apocalypse, Saturn. Eventually, the black horseman is defeated by Jesus. The last time we saw our protagonists, they were about to fight off a large group of zombies..
*Not to be confused with the other Lilah Morgan.

My sweaty palms clasp onto the sawed-off shotgun, and I am back to back with Lilah. I can hear her breathing heavily as her shaking hands hold onto the magnum. "What do we do?" she asks me, panic in her voice. I shrug, non-responsively, before I aim at the closest zombie. I've shot two more before the first one has hit the ground. They begin to charge at us. I heard Lilah cry out after her first kill, but she turned cold and hard after that. I aim for their legs, which is a mistake. The zombies are getting way too close, and now also crawling on the ground towards us. I begin to panic, as zombies are baring their teeth right in my face, their rotting hands reaching towards us, their lifeless eyes just freaking the hell out of me. I grab Lilah and throw her in the open trunk, kiss her lightly on the cheek as I reach across her for my sword and come out swinging. Arms go flying, heads go sailing, and I smash at their knees with the hilt. The steel of the sword is still unbearably hot, setting one zombie's tattered clothing aflame.

I was not alive during the holocaust. But from what I learnt in history, they set the corpses of the Jewish people on fire. Decaying bodies are extremely flammable. This instance was no different. Once one zombie caught on fire, another and another, and then a whole bunch, then the majority of the crowd was on fire. I screamed, as I felt the flames licking at my face, and I ran into the driver's seat. Locking the doors, I watched in horror as the living, flaming dead pounded on our car. I punch the gas as hard as I can, and start driving through the crowd of fire people. One zombie seemed to be writhing in agony on the windshield, but he fell off fast enough. We kept driving, until the crowd was nothing but a distant image in the rear-view mirror. I rub my forehead, which was quickly developing a massive migraine. Lilah crawls through the hole in the trunk, over the back seat, and seats herself next to me. I reach into my paper sack and pull out another bagel, which I quickly eat up. I toss yet another one to her. "That was pretty close, hon." "I know, Lilah, I know. Well, I did kill one of the four apocalyptic horseman. That's not too shabby." We drive towards Badsville. I light up another smoke while Lilah starts on the Revs. Eventually, she turns the radio back on.

"Great news everybody! Not a single member of team CNN turned into a zombie! From the lowly janitor up to the heavy duty research team, from the guy who fetches coffee to the television reporters, they're all still one hundred percent American human. As opposed to that maniacal Roman Catholic church, where almost every single member, not to mention the pope, have become undead. In other, bad news, scientists are baffled by the disturbing patterns of the stars last night. Flying every this way and that way, fucking stars. Is this the end of days? Will be seeing an Anti-Christ, rise up from Hell to slay our people? Maybe he already walks among us. Or, at the risk of sounding sexist, perhaps SHE walks among us. Once again, Cooper can only monologue for so long on a call-in show- oh, here's another call. Your view, sir or madam?" "Burn in hell, you stupid mother-fucker." I hang up the phone angrily, rubbing at my head some more.

"Are you sure you're not the Anti-Christ, dear?" Lilah asks me in a solemn tone. I give her a cold look before returning my sight to the abandoned road. "I'm not sure of anything. Well, I am sure of one thing-" "Because," interrupted Lilah. "As you said, your actions did set in motion the apocalypse. '..Jesus Christ will serve the devil his dinner.' And whatever that number thing, which I still don't understand. I mean, sure you're doing your best to stop the apocalypse, now, but what if-?" Her question hung in the air. "As I was saying, babe, I am sure of one thing. When I went to my house, I picked up one bagel. I've lost count of how many I've eaten, or given to you. Watch." I reach into the paper sack, pulling out bagel after bagel after bagel, tossing them all in the back seat. I continue my magical bagel trick, until Lilah starts laughing. "Ha ha ha. Well, we know you're some kind of Christ, at least."

"Stop your vehicle," a speakerphone informs us loudly from a distance of maybe thirty feet. We stop and remove ourselves from my Toyota Camray. It is about five in the afternoon, and the sun is gone. The stars have continued on with their swirling, spitting insanity. "Are you armed?" "Yep." I cup my hands together and yell back as best as I can. "Do you have any undead creatures to declare?" "No." "Can you, male first, sing the alphabet song?" I start, getting cut halfway through. "Female, please continue where he left off." Lilah finishes off the diddy. We plant ourselves back in the car, drive slowly up to the man with the speakerphone, also armed with gun. We drive past several dead undead creatures, all of which had obviously been shot. He examines my trunk for zombies, and I offer him a bottle of wine. He takes it, appreciatively, and we drive past, into Badsville.

We drive to a dark, abandoned parking lot and park next to a glowing, orange light. I pull the emergency blanket out of my trunk and lay it on the ground, before I start a speech. "I know you had all that time in your panic room to sit quietly, no zombies around. But this is my first chance to rest since the start of this apocalypse. Here, we are safe from undead nasties, apocalyptic monsters, and hopefully the devil. So let's fully take advantage-" She was on top of me, her tongue halfway down my throat. We massage each other with our mouths, before she pulls back. "Point forty-five calibre magnum." "What?" "That's the specs on my magnum. Point forty-five millimetres." "Great." She pushes me back towards earth, as she works my pants off with much speed. I sit up halfway, once again making her mouth love mine. My arm shoves past her head and onto the back wheel of my car. We stand up, still connected at the mouth, as I take her shirt off, and we sit back down after her pants are thrown asunder. She lies down onto the blanket, and I remove her panties with my teeth. She nimbly takes off my boxers with her hands, and begins playing with my bits. Faster and faster, she uses her hands to arose me, before slowly showing me the way inside her. I penetrate her, and she moans erotically. Again, and again, faster and faster. I manage her bra off at this point. I slow down for a second as a thought springs to mind. "You got any protection, babe?" She shakes her head negatively. "If we stop the end, we'll need to repopulate the planet." I shrug, even more aroused, and I proceed to fuck her like an animal*, for the next thirty or so minutes. When we're done, she falls asleep in my arms, and slowly, I also fall asleep.
*Thank you, Trent Reznor, so much, for giving the world, Closer.

I awoke at midnight, as the sun burned small holes through my eyelids. Lilah was nowhere to be found. I woke myself up slowly, for there was nobody around and no rush to get back into my clothes. I stood up, and realized that I had been sleeping next to a snake. It hissed, writhed off the towel and into a nearby bush. "Lilah?" I call around. She's nowhere to be found. I walk around, yawning and stark naked, until I find a small river. I bath leisurely in it, washing all the dirt off of my feet. I sit, and try to figure out what day it is. "This mess started at midnight on Friday the thirteenth. So I spent most of yesterday rushing around. Then we arrived in Badsville at five on friday, which was yesterday. And right now, it's half past midnight, but early in the morning of the fourteenth. Twenty-four hours, measured in old time. Maybe thirty-six in fucked-up time?" I shrug as I wash under my armpits. After I'm done, I slowly return to the car, to find my clothes neatly folded up. Inside my underwear, I find a note.

"Rocking good time last night. I met up with somebody who wants to save some horses and ponies from zombie farmers. I would have woken you up, but you looked so peaceful. I got my cell phone on me, give me a call when you get a chance. Lilah" "Hmm," I offer to the sheet of paper. I've got nothing better to do, so I drive back to Goodington. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I don't find it. There aren't any humans left, and it's become even more zombie territory than when we left. The birds, the dogs, the cats, the people. All zombies. I keep my windows rolled up, despite the intense heat, lest a dead-eyed bird fly into my car and ravage my life. I chug back another bottle of vodka as I calmly drive with much speed through this dead town. Every now and then, I spot a lone zombie wandering in the streets, and I make sure to nail him to the front of my car.

I return to my house, hoping against hope that my family have returned and barricaded themselves in, away from the zombies. No trace of either of my parents, or my sister. If I had to make a bet, I'd say the only person who'd been in my house since the first night would be me, when I came and picked up the sword. My family were either zombies, their souls retired to heaven, or were lost somewhere in Badsville. I shrugged, as I poked my head in the fridge. I'd eaten an awful lot of bagels, but my palette desired something other multipliable food with some flavour. I accidentally stick my hand in a bowl of long-time-forgotten boc–choy in the fridge. Disgustedly, I pull my hand out and let the dish fall to the floor. "Ah." I find a bucket of chicken and toss it all into my paper sack. "And Jesus gave to the hungry an infinite number of bagels and Jimmy D's boneless deluxe chicken strips. And they applauded the lord, mock two." I bowed several times to an imaginary audience, grabbed my CD player and my Closer To God remixes compact disc, before leaving my abode.

I poke one of the dead zombies on my lawn with a stick, before re-entering my car and driving back towards the LCBO. The alarms are still going off. I run inside quickly, grab some more alcohol, drop it in my trunk, and with some confusion search for my stolen bottle of Absinthe. It's gone. "I remember grabbing one before.." Shrugging, I head back in and find the last remaining bottle. Lime green. Delicious. Afterwards, I head once again to the gas station, fill up my car with free gas, and then my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. "Wassup?" "I have saved the cutest pony from an undead fate. His coat is of purest white, here I'll send you a picture." I look down at the miniature screen and quickly analyse the young horse, before returning my attention to the empty road. "Is something wrong, Lilah?" She laughs, almost nervously. "Wrong? What would be wrong? Well, aside from the obvious, nothing's wrong. Why? Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine. So where should I pick you up?" She laughs again, and I hear a male voice laughing in the background. A familiar sounding voice. "Pick me up?" "Who's there with you?" "Oh, just a guy who loves horses as much as I do. Look, I'm sorry I'm laughing so much. We may have had a couple of green cigarettes, after we saved these horses. To celebrate." "Oh. Kay. Well, when you're done playing around with horses, give me a call and I'll come find you." "Great. Oh and hon?" "What?" "Love you."

I felt disturbed. A chill ran up my back. Something felt wrong. I shook my hand and started to feed myself with an infinite amount of chicken. As I drive back up to Badsville, I listen to the irritating call-in-host slash dj slash news reporter, Cooper. "Bad news, earthlings. Some sort of apocalyptic Mongolian warrior has been slaughtering your fellow men on quite a grand scale. He, on his horse of rouge, has matching armor, and a color-coordinated sword. Last spotted across the sea in China. From the video footage available on the internet, this swordsman is fast, ruthless, and merciless. Ruthless and merciless, that's the same thing! I'm sorry folks, I just read these reports, I don't write them. That's why I usually improvise instead of reading it letter by letter. Well, I'm also only half literate, on my mum's side. But let's keep the tunes playing with this classic, 'Like A Stone', by former Rage Against the Machine members Audioslave." I whistle the sad, sad tune, and it brings back fond memories.

I am sitting alone, beside a computer, drunk off of my face, howling the lyrics to Audioslave. Maybe that's a bad example of a fond memory. Okay, here's one: I sing the tune, word for word, in a deep a bass as I can muster, as I clean the grille at the Jimmy D's. It's nearing closing time, and we're all tired. All three of my co-workers continue with their assorted cleaning, as they listen to me sing this ballad. Is it about a girl? Is it an old man on his deathbed? Is it both?

Back in the apocalyptic wasteland, I drive through a crowd of locusts. Several get stuck to my windshield, and I am thankful the windows are still closed. "If I've killed one of the four horseman, and there's only been reports of one other horseman, that leaves me to wonder. Where are the other two?"

After passing through the zombie border inspection, I drove about aimlessly. I'd been doing that a lot recently. Eventually I find a crowd of people all gathered next to an elementary school, and I park and join them. "The end is nigh, fellow humans. I believe the zombies, the stars, the sun's unusual pattern, the unusual heat wave, and the locusts, are just the start of the end," a loud man, with a bowler's cap informs the crowd, from atop an overturned garbage can. I walk through the throng of people, passing out my infinite supply of chicken and bagels. The loudspeaker, holding a bible, flips to a marked page. "Chapter six, verse four, of Revelations, reads 'Another came forth, a red horse. To him who sat on it was given power to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another. There was given to him a great sword.' This horseman, who has been terrorizing and murdering our Asian neighbours, this is the knight of legend, from the bible itself! I ask you this, can this not be a sign of the end?" I turn towards the sun, sensing danger, and see him coming, from quite a distance. In a true act of surrealism, the moon moves with much speed in front of the sun. An eclipse. Running to my car, I arm myself with my holy sword and start moving slowly towards his speedy advance. Riding atop his horse of reddest red, a knight completely engulfed in red armor, draws his red sword as he jumps off his horse. "Holy shit!" yells one of the crowd, as he notices the blood-colored knight of the apocalypse. The crowd draws back as darkness takes over the land. They can sense that he is evil.

"This is the red horseman of the apocalypse, Mars," I yell over my shoulder to the group of very scared individuals. "This battle will end when one of us is sent to the afterlife," I address to him, and our swords touch with a slight clink. Then we begin to fight. My weapon strikes his with such force. He presses forwards, towards me with equal strength. Steel upon steel. We are, strangely enough, equally matched. I start to take to heart what the devil said about me being a demi-God. How else can I be a match for such a strong individual, such as an apocalyptic horseman? We continue to battle for several hours, circling each other, striking, pressing forwards, backing off. I sweat, thanks to both the effort of the fight and the unholy heat that has taken over the land.

After a great amount of time, I overcome my adversary. His sword goes flying, stuck deep in the structure of the nearby school. He chases after it, but it's too late. I throw my own steel at him with such force it plunges into his back and out through the front of his chest. His form let out a terrible, wordless shriek before his entire being turned into a puddle and shrank away into nothingness. My sword fell to the ground. His horse snorted, before trotting away at much pace. I return my weapon to my hand, then turn and face the crowd. Speechless, a few members begin to clap sporadically. I stand on top of the garbage can and address the mass. "You are right. The apocalypse is here. The zombies, are shells of the chosen who have gone up to heaven. You are the ones chosen to suffer through these catastrophes, before going to hell. I don't know if the end can be stopped, but I'm doing my damndest to stop it. I've already gotten rid of two of Satan's henchman." "You are our saviour!" cried out one man. "I believe! I believe!" shrieked one lady in horrible tones. And do you know what they did next? They all fell to their knees and began to worship me. As a whole, the entire crowd bowed before me. "Uh. I'm just the return of Jesus Christ, I'm not 'special' or anything. Stand up. Stand up!" But it was no use. I had converted the crowd. They now all had faith in Jesus, God, and the afterlife. This was unfortunate for me.

For in the blink of the eye, they had turned zombie. As one massive hoard, they rose from the ground and charged at me. All zombies- every single one of them. I had no gun, so I defeated the whole bunch of them with my sword. "What the hell was that, pops?" I ask to the sky, as the assorted limbs and torsos of the conquered zombies twitch about. "I converted some hell-destined earth-dwellers over to your side, so you gotta zombiefie the lot of them? That's not very Christian." I suddenly notice how dark the eclipse has made the world. I stare up at the moon, in awe. I am somewhat of a lycanthrope. I believe the moon gives me power. I enjoy gazing skywards at earth's satellite. I snap out of it and remember why I was so upset. "Seriously! I'm sure all the people up there don't want to watch as their bodies feed upon the bodies of friends, families and co-workers!" I feel very pissed off, and light up a smoke, before heading to the trunk and popping open the fresh bottle of Absinthe.

Absinthe takes a good deal of patience to drink properly. First, one must have a large glass, or a coffee mug works. One takes the mug, puts the Absinthe spoon over top, place a single sugar cup on top of this, and then pour Absinthe over the cube. In some cases, if you want a caramel flavouring, one would light the sugar cube doused in alcohol aflame. I did not choose this path. I smash the sugar cube and use the spoon to mix it in with the Absinthe. Interesting fact: Absinthe is usually seventy percent alcohol, when not mixed with half water, and glows green. Sometimes aqua. It also contains wormwood.

I take my first mug full of Absinthe and realize how depressing the Apocalypse is. Unwittingly, I had been the cause. And now, I will never again work the night-shift at the job I love, or see any of my co-workers again. I will never again have the opportunity to mow lawns, or chat with my great aunt afterwards over a glass of iced coke. Gone are the days when my sister can ask me a question, and I throw it back in her face. And college? Forget about it!

I take mug after mug after mug, getting extremely smashed. After about six of these, one's memory turns into a wet piece of paper. Any actions that you take are not surprising, can even be interpreted into traumatic experiences when one sobers up. I was no exception. But I will tell you what I remember. Oh I almost forgot - I had learnt a new trick. Using an empty paper sack, a tossed a single round of shotgun ammo inside, and continue to pull round after round of ammo from the bag. This reminded me of one particular genre of zombie movie, where the lead actor finds and pockets only one set of ammo, yet throughout the rest of the movie has an infinite supply of bullets.

But enough of that- back to the drinking. I stumble around the dead zombie parts that are now strewn across the elementary school parking lot. "Here zombie zombie, zombie!" I shout out loud enough to wake the dead.* Decidedly bored, I grab my shotgun and start blowing windows out of the abandoned school. While walking through the front garden of the school, I accidentally step on the lifeless body of a small bird. A profound sense of sadness overcomes me, as I picture the bird, gliding with much speed into one of the windows, breaking it's neck, and falling dead to the ground. I step back from the school and turn the murderous window into shattered fragments with a single shot. I search the ground for leaves, piling them up with much care on top of the birdie. When a sufficient pile was gathered, I grab my black lighter and set the leaves aflame. They slowly engulf the bird, and I say a short prayer aimed at God. Eventually I wind up lying down on the grass and staring skywards, towards the eclipsing moon.
*But not in this case.

I am up drunk off my ass, laughing at the insanity that had become of the world, just taking a short rest on the diagonal of the hill, when the most beautiful woman I've ever seen comes riding up to me on horseback* and blocks out all light. She stares down at me, and says something I can't understand. "What's that?" I mutter under my breath, and she repeats herself several times. Eventually she hops off the small horse and is on the grass beside me. I squint and realize it's Lilah. I pat her on the head lovingly. "It's my bitch." She continues talking so silently that I completely miss what she's telling me. "WHAT'S THAT?" I yell into her ear, and she moves close enough so I can hear her. "I said, how drunk are you? Shit, I can smell myself just how drunk you are. Absinth, from the look of it. You want some weed?" "Sure." I watch her, through drunken eyes, as she expertly rolls me up a decent enough sized joint. Grabbing it with lustre from her hands, I drop it into the paper sack with the ammo and pull two identical joints out. "Good work, that," she compliments me.
*Also the most beautiful horse I've ever seen.

I squint at her darkened form as she sparks up joint a. "You look different babe. You put on some weight?" She looks towards me and laughs eerily. I do some more squinting as she raises herself up from the grass and her head is hallowed by the moon. She pats at her belly, which has indeed grown since the last time I'd seen her. "You could say that, hon." My brain tries to comprehend her message, simple as it was. "But, it's only been twenty-four hours since we-" "I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. You are, Jesus Christ. You are a God, put into the body of a human. And I think we both know that two thousand odd years ago, Jesus was crucified a virgin. He never got a chance to spread his seed. Or if he did, they sure kept it quiet. Picture it this way- God created Adam and Eve in a matter of minutes. Why should his son, his own flesh and blood have to wait a full nine months like us mere mortals? Obviously you can't create life in quite the same way, but I believe that you have imitated him, speed wise." I consider this for a minute or two. I'm still shocked that my girlfriend, who I've only slept with once, can be pregnant. A day afterwards.

"You want to feel him kick?" she offered to me, still on the ground. I kneel up to her and place my head against stomach. I don't feel any kicks, but I definitely hear a gurgle. I have sobered up mentally a great deal by this news. Physically, I'm still pretty wasted. "Lilah?" I ask her. "Yes, hon?" "How do you know it's a he?" "Just a feeling," she whispers, confidently to me, blowing smoke into my face as she passes me the long-forgotten joint. "If it is a boy, what shall we call him?" I ask her. "I don't know how much you'll enjoy this, but I want to call him John Peter Morgan. Or, John Peter Christ maybe?" "J.P.M. has a good ring to it." I keep my ear neck to her belly, listening for any minut sounds. "I killed another horseman of the apocalypse today." "Oh yeah? Good fight?" "Yea. I'm getting a bit better with the sword. Then I converted some sinners into angels and zombies." "Oh yeah..?" We both lie back, passing the joint back and forth, and stare up at the moon. I hug her tightly towards me. She moves as close to me as humanly possible. For a moment, there is a silence between us. A comfortable silence. Just because. I had no idea what the next day would have in store for her, for our baby, or for me. Or the next day. Or the next.

Do you want to read Das Schicksal Von Der Mutter?
Or head straight to the disclaimer?


god is dog spelt backwards.. coincidence?