It’s
Saturday. A week ago, I was at a flat with six other guys having sex (Nipple
Sucker). Hoping I would be allowed to join again, I messaged Jess. I
have been messaging him all through out the week—first was the next day,
thanking him and the guys for having me, second was when I informed him
about “Nipple Sucker”, and third, a joke. He never replied to any of my
messages. This time, I asked him out right: “Gimick ba kayo tonight? Pwede
sumabit ulit?”
Still, there was no reply.
I
was gearing to go out. It’s Saturday! But, I have no place in mind except
Malate, which I find too far and quite tiresome to do. I messaged the guy
from San Antonio (Finally,
A Good One). He said he was at Alabang, his friend house warming party
and that he was spending the night there.
Then I thought about this guy I still have not told you about since I
am not really considering him yet but we are talking a great deal. I’m
trying not to consider him because, like Earchel, he lives too far—Paranaque
far. I would do a separate story on him as soon as I figure out what to do
with him: forget distance or I stick with just being friends with him. I
messaged him, asking if he wanted for us to meet. He didn’t reply.
I
still want to go out. So, I did. To where, I had no idea. Well, it was only
seven in the evening, I was still hoping that Jess would message me back and
ask me to come. Or that guy from Paranaque. I decided to do Cubao and take
it from there.
Well, I thought if Jess would have me come, I would be a ride away.
If Paranaque guy would be the one, I could take the metro to Pasay-Taft and
there we could meet. Or if neither, I could force myself to do Malate… or
finally sum up the courage to finally do Fahrenheit, I could get a ride to
both in Cubao.
Whatever
happened to my New Years Resolution, you ask. It still stands… just that
with Jess and his group, I need to prove something. Paranaque guy is a
prospect. And, I might meet someone in Malate and Fahrenheit.
Okay, I’m just justifying myself… But I do want to stick with it.
I was hoping still that something might come out of that night and not just
casual… I’m trying hard here and it’s not as easy as it seemed.
You would think it’s easy since there are plenty lonely homosexual
souls out there, looking and wanting to be found… I don’t know why
it’s hard either…
I
just got off the jeepney, wearing a tight cotton top in light blue, jeans
and my two usual: cap and backpack. I was walking along Aurora Boulevard to
get to Gen. Araneta Avenue… I was to go to Farmers Plaza. That’s when I
saw him walking towards me. It didn’t occur to me who he was at first but
I knew I know him. I’ve seen him before. He walked pass me, no recognition
of me from him… I stopped, turned my head to follow where he was going as
I think, try to remember… then suddenly… Jay!
Not cutie-cutie Jay but Jay from last Saturday, the utterly nice guy
from the groupie thing, the guy who checked on me all through out that
night, asking if I was okay. He was Jay who I held on to as someone tried to
penetrate me from behind. Jay. And, he was to go in on an old theater. Oh,
My God!
I know, I have been to that same theater and I know exactly what goes
on inside. I know for a fact that ninety-eight percent of the people who
goes in there are not there for the action on the screen but the action on
the floor. Of course, I wasn’t thinking…
Well,
first, I couldn’t believe running into him. I don’t know if he was from
around but I am also not suppose to be there… small world? Cubao is larger
than life. Then, he went in that theater. There was amusement, excitement,
and the titillating thought of knowing and busting him.
I wasn’t thinking.
I went to follow him inside the theater.
I am really to bust him! Thinking how funny his face would look!
He
went to stand at one corner by the wall. I stood at a distance. Waiting.
Slyly watching… that’s when I felt what I was doing was wrong. I don’t
know why it’s wrong but I felt it was wrong… I decided to come clean. I
walked up to him. He looked at me, still no recognition. I stood next to
him. He probably was thinking I was to get him, specially when I asked him
“Do you remember me?”
He looked at me, nonchalantly. Then said, “No.”
“Last Saturday.” I said.
He looked at me discerningly, but failed to remember. “I’m sorry,
no,” he said.
“Espana.” I said.
“Oh, that was you?” finally, he remembered.
I laughed.
I told him I had been messaging Jess all day long. He said he had
been to the gym and that even if they were to go out, he wouldn’t be able
to join them. I told him I saw him downstairs, and that he just walked pass
me. He apologized. He then said that he wanted to see the film. I just
nodded and said I just went to follow him.
“You
spent seventy-one pesos just to follow me?”
“Yah…”
I answered thinking that was unreasonable, indeed. But, that’s the truth.
I
went to watch the film. It was “Kung Fu Hustle”. It’s not the kind of
film I would normally see but since I was there already and that I have
nowhere to go. I might as well try to enjoy it. But then, somehow, I felt
it. It was nothing from him. I just thought he might not want me around for
reasons I have told you above. “Okay, I’ll leave you alone…” I said.
He said it’s okay if I stay, leaving me to contemplate if he was just
being polite really.
Then I noticed the numerous empty seats and we were standing. I told
him I am to go seat down. He nodded. And it became clear to me. If he really
wanted me around and not just being polite, he would have joined me to seat
and not just stand there.
Not that I don’t understand, I perfectly understand. It was I who
really was at fault. I should have left him alone.
Well,
I really just want to be friends with him and his group. I wanted to belong
to their group. Sitting alone there, I wanted to ask him what happened
after, when I have myself left behind. I wanted to ask if he and Josh still
communicate, have something beautiful started that night—remembering Cris
asking them, “ano yan relasyon?” seeing that they were just in a tight
embrace that night. Cris, cutie-cutie Cris… I wonder would our paths ever
cross again…
The
movie was in Chinese. There was English subtitle, but I can’t read it—I
am badly in need of eyeglasses. I stood up and leave the other way so not to
pass and disturbed Jay again.
