You Bring Me Joy

(Like a Best Friend Should)

Chapter Twenty

34. Thursday July 31 confrontation

“Britney? What are you doing here so early?”

“I’m just coming from the gym, so don’t sniff me,” Britney huffs as she steps into Justin’s apartment without being asked. She plops a pile of clothes on Justin’s couch and wipes sweat from her forehead. “Can I take a shower here?”

“What’s wrong with your apartment?” Justin asks exasperatedly.

“My roommate’s having a hot date with his new boyfriend, so he made me promise not to come home until after work tonight, ” Britney explains as she kicks her pink sneakers off her feet.

“So why didn’t you just shower at the gym?” Justin asks as he fiddles with the tie draped over his shoulders. Britney squinches her nose up and snaps her fingers.

“Duh? Public showers? People pee in those things! Gross.” Justin rolls his eyes and looks at his watch.

“Ok, but you better hurry. It’s almost 10:30.”

“We’ll have plenty of time.” When Britney starts to unzip her bra top, and Justin coughs nervously, she laughs and pats his hand. “Don’t worry, Justin, I’ll be good. I won’t try to pounce on you.”

“Yeah, um, whatever.” Justin turns pink as Britney gets her stuff together and heads for his bathroom. She stops quickly and turns to Justin, the bra top fully unzipped and barely covering her ample breasts.

“Sure you don’t wanna join me?” Britney teases.

“Britney, I don’t…I mean, we’re just friends now and—”

“Dude, I was kidding!” Britney giggles and rushes back to the bathroom, grabbing a towel after announcing, “I’m not as stupid as I look!” Justin snickers, but quickly shuts up when she yells out from the bathroom, “So, how’s Josh?”

“What…why…huh?” Justin squeaks. He growls at her giggles and turns on the TV to drown her out. He stops channel surfing on a QaF rerun on Showtime. He watches, but doesn’t really pay attention. His mind drifts from Britney’s chattering to worrying if he’ll make good money tonight, then back to Britney’s comment. Before he can get too confused, the doorbell rings. The worry instantly disappears when he checks the peephole.

“Josh, dude!” Justin stands back, waiting for Josh to come in without being told. But Josh doesn’t move. “You coming in or what, man?”

“Sure,” Josh answers, but his face looks less certain.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?” Justin closes the door behind Josh and gives him an impulsive hug. Josh doesn’t immediately hug back like usual. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just. Nothing. C’mere.” Josh pulls Justin back and they hug warmly for a few seconds before Josh steps away nervously. “So.”

“So,” Justin says with question in his eyes. “What are you doing here? Not that I mind you coming over. Just wondering.”

“Yeah, um, that.” Josh bites his bottom lip nervously. “I was just driving around, really. No reason for the visit. Just…ended up here.”

“Really.”

“I guess I was, um, thinking about stuff. About, um, you. And me. And stuff.”

“You and me and stuff.” Justin smiles as Josh nods and nibbles on his thumbnail. “Well, I’m glad you came over, C.”

“You are?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” Justin asks while gently pulling Josh’s thumb from his mouth. Josh shrugs and leans against the front door.

“Well…we haven’t really…seen each other for a while.” Justin looks down at his feet to shield his sly grin from Josh’s view. “I mean, other than work. It’s been a couple of weeks, J.”

“I’ve been working a lot of overtime, you know that.”

“Yeah, but why? And when I offer to work some OT with you, you turn me down,” Josh grumbles.

“You shouldn’t have to work overtime if you don’t need to. I need the extra hours, you don’t.”

“For what?” Josh questions.

“I’m trying to save up some money.”

“For what?” Josh asks, his voice high and showing his irritation.

“Nosey much?” Justin shrieks delightedly. “The holidays are coming up—”

“In five months, Justin!”

“Exactly! Plus, you know my car is getting older and…I’m just…saving up for, uh, several things.” Justin grins mischievously, but Josh’s sad eyes stem Justin’s glee.

“It’s good to save, but…I don’t know.” Josh lightly bumps Justin’s foot with his toe. “You’re working weekends, too. I just haven’t seen you and…you haven’t really been returning my calls that much, either.”

“I know, Josh.” Justin rubs his friend’s arm soothingly. “I’m sorry. I just have been really kinda, um, busy and stuff.”

“You avoiding me?” whispers Josh sadly, which makes Justin want to spill the beans.

“No. I just want to give you some room.” Justin moves next to Josh so they stand shoulder to shoulder against the front door. “After the way I acted at the barbecue—”

“Justin, I thought we were ok about that. You don’t have to avoid me or give me room.” Josh elbows Justin and adds, “If I want room I’ll ask for it.”

“Maybe I want room.” Justin says it quickly. He’s considered it, and though he does enjoy some time alone, he knows it’s the furthest thing from the truth.

“Oh, I see.” Josh lifts a hand to his mouth, but before he can nibble Justin bursts out laughing.

“Or maybe I’ve just been working a lot, OK!” Justin tickles Josh playfully and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. “We’re cool, C. Alright?” Josh stares into Justin’s eyes until he finds the truth there. He smiles and nods.

“Alright, J.”

“Good! Glad we settled that.” Justin walks away from the door so he can see the television as he gives the bowtie another attempt. Josh looks at him quizzically.

“Awfully late to be getting dressed up, isn’t it?”

“Awfully late to be dropping by unannounced, isn’t it?” Justin wisecracks. Josh gives an exaggerated sigh and moves behind Justin so he can fix his collar. They both watch as Michael and Brian share a close moment on the screen. Josh turns Justin around so he can help him with the tie, but they continue watching the show. Before long the two onscreen best friends start kissing in a very non-friendly way, like they are wont to do once or twice a season. Justin tsk-tsks, and Josh giggles.

“There they go again, with the nonplatonic platonic, best friend but more than best friend kissing!” Justin whines.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing!”

“Well, I sure as hell don’t go around shoving my tongue down Trace’s mouth all the time!” explains Justin teasingly. Josh’s giggles stop.

“Yeah…right.” Josh fucks up the loop he was working on and starts over. Justin looks down at Josh’s hands making a perfect tie for him. He wonders if Josh still gets jealous of Trace. He wonders if it’s wrong that he loves it.

“Still, I guess it’s not that big a deal. You know…the friendkissing and all.” Justin waits for Josh’s reaction, but there is none. He clears his throat. “I mean, foreign men kiss each other all the time, as a sign of friendship and affection, you know?”

“Is that so?” Josh’s eyes stay on the tie.

“Like, it’s not that big of a deal in places like Europe, know what I mean?”

“Mm.”

“You should know that, Frenchie!”

“You’re funny,” Josh says sarcastically. “You’re done.” He pats the perfectly tied bowtie and sits on the couch without a smile. Justin smiles at himself in a mirror then joins Josh on the couch.

“No, seriously. I mean, Brian and Michael are just really close friends, and they’re evolved enough to show their mutual affection for one another.”

“Ok,” Josh mumbles, though he stares at Brian and Michael, who are kissing a little longer than either of their boyfriends would appreciate. Justin tries again to get his friend’s attention.

“I mean, um, that could be us…except for the obvious difference.”

Josh perks up at that, smiling crookedly. “What difference is that?”

“You know,” Justin murmurs as a blush creeps over his face. “That they’re…”

“In Pittsburgh?” Josh laughs.

“Um…yeah…in Pittsburgh.” Justin blushes deeper as he nods at the screen. “And, with the…um…you know.” Josh shrugs and looks at him sweetly, making Justin’s stomach flutter. “You know. With all the deep…tongue…kissing…and all.”

“Yeah,” Josh whispers, his eyes on Justin’s mouth. “We certainly don’t do that.” Josh smiles, his eyes sparkling.

“No…well, I guess we wouldn’t…do that,” Justin whispers back. “I mean, because. Because we’re not…you know.”

“Not what, Justin?” Josh asks softly as he lays his hand on Justin’s wrist. Justin looks down at their hands together. His throat goes dry, but he sees the time on his watch and knows he has to leave soon. He stares into Josh’s sparkling eyes.

“Josh, what’s all this? You stop by late on a Thursday night and don’t even tell me why. I’m glad to see you but…something’s up, I can tell. Talk to me.” Josh looks away nervously.

“Justin, can I ask you something personal?”

“Y—yes.”

“We’re, um, we’re…close…right?”

“You know we are, Josh.” Justin nudges Josh in the side to get him to continue.

“What do you think of me?” comes out of Josh’s mouth quickly, anxiously. Justin almost laughs out loud.

“Where is this coming from? Why are you acting all weird?”

“It’s just that, um.” Josh cracks his knuckles and nervously plays with his fingers in an effort, Justin is sure, to not bite his nails. “It’s just that…something happened tonight that got me thinking about stuff.”

“What, C?”

“I…um.” Josh bites his thumbnail for a second before quickly shoving his hands between his knees. “I was just thinking about our friendship, that’s all.” Justin waits for Josh to muster the nerve to look him in the eye again. “So…what do you think? About me?” Josh asks meekly.

“Honestly?” Josh nods and winces. “Ok. What do I think about Josh.” Justin takes a few seconds to find the right words, all the while gazing into Josh’s apprehensive eyes. “I think that you are the most talented…generous…imaginative…fabulous…and sweetest person I know.” The worry disappears from Josh’s face and is replaced by a bright, eye-swallowing smile.

“Wow,” Josh murmurs after a short silence. “That’s funny, because I was thinking the exact same thing about you, Justin.” When Justin gulps and mirrors the smile, Josh bites his lip and murmurs, “That and…you’re, like, the most beau—I mean. You’re beautiful, J.” Justin’s mouth goes dry. “I mean, you know, on the inside and the, uh, outside. Yes.”

“Oh…um…oh.” Justin shoves his hands under his trembling legs so he won’t reach for something he isn’t sure is he can ever have. “Thanks, Josh.” When his face starts to hurt from the wide smile and the heated blush, Justin whispers, “I was thinking that, too. About you.”

“Justin, what are we doing?” Josh pulls Justin’s hand from under his leg and clasps it tight. His eyes sparkle, but remain cautious. “I mean, what are we…how come we never talk about it?”

“About what?” Justin pretends, but that’s all his dry throat will allow him to utter.

“About the way we are. How, um, close we are. What it means?”

“Oh…that.” They both take one last glance at the two onscreen best friends declaring their platonic love with a last, deep kiss. Then Justin reaches for the remote and turns the TV off before nervously clutching Josh’s hands. Their eyes meet, and they stare at each other for a long time. Justin’s heart races as he wonders if this might finally be it. This conversation, no matter the outcome, has been six months in the making, and he’ll be damned if his evening commitment will keep him from it. With a shuddering breath Justin scoots closer to his dear friend and touches his face.

“Josh, I’ve wanted to say this for a long time.”

“Yes?”

“Josh.” Justin takes a deep breath. “I’m—”

“Hey, Justin, do you have an extra—oh! Hiya, Josh!” Britney chirps as she bounces into the living room wearing nothing but Justin’s favorite towel. “Am I interrupting?”

“Actually, Britney, we’re in the middle of something here,” Justin grunts as he quickly pulls his hands out of Josh’s, though his eyes stay on Josh’s shattering smile.

“I’m sorry, but that bath gel you use is so drying. I need you to put some lotion on my back before we leave tonight.” Justin’s eyes close dejectedly as Josh stands up and walks to the door.

“Josh, wait.”

“Don’t go on my account!” Britney tweets. “I’ll just go back to Justin’s bedroom!”

“Don’t bother,” Josh says to their feet. “I shouldn’t have come by without calling. I’m sorry.”

“Josh!” Justin chases Josh out the front door, grabbing him before he can get away.

“I’m sorry I interrupted you two,” Josh says sadly, and Justin’s mind is running so fast that he can’t catch the right words.

“This…I can explain…it’s not what—”

“You don’t have to explain, Justin.” Josh tries to pull away, but Justin won’t let him. “C’mon, I gotta go, J.”

“Josh, look at me.” When Josh finally complies, Justin murmurs, “We have to finish our talk.”

“No. I think I get it now.” Josh pulls his hand away and utters, “I finally get it.”

“You don’t get anything, Joshua.” Justin wants to stamp his feet at the injustice. He doesn’t know if he’s angrier with Britney for intruding or with Josh for misunderstanding. “Look, Britney and I…we’re…um. I don’t even have time to explain right now, but it’s not what it looks like. Ok? You believe me, right?”

“It’s ok, Justin. I’ll see you tomorrow at work.” Josh walks away, but stops when Justin calls his name.

“Josh!” Justin takes a deep breath and hopes Josh understands it when he says, “Things aren’t always what they seem.”

Josh nods sadly. “Sometimes things are exactly what they seem, Justin.” Justin watches Josh get in his car and drive away. It takes him a minute, but the hurt gives way to an inkling of hope when Josh’s last statement resounds in Justin’s mind.

“I hope to God you’re right,” Justin whispers to the night air.

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