You Bring Me Joy
(Like a Best Friend Should)
by Zaen
41. Sunday
Hampered by hangovers and
awkwardness, Josh and Justin don’t say much the next day. They’d wanted to get in a few more hours of
sightseeing, but they end up oversleeping.
Ultimately, they just have time to get dressed, check out, and grab a
bite before heading to the airport.
Justin tries a few times during the
long flight home to initiate conversation, but he chickens out and buries his
nose in the book he’d borrowed from Josh.
Sometimes Josh looks over at him, and Justin can make out the twinkle in
Josh’s overtired eyes. They seem to come
to an unspoken understanding that a crowded airplane is just not the place to talk about this. So they make small talk, and Justin swallows
his desire to hold Josh’s hand. He’s not
sure if he is allowed.
It’s just getting dark when Josh
pulls into an empty space in front of Justin’s apartment. They idle for a few awkward moments, but when
Justin starts to reach for the door handle, Josh quickly turns off the
ignition.
“Thanks for the ride home, C.”
“Well, my car was at the airport
so—I mean, you’re welcome, Justin.” It’s
been like this all day. It’s not exactly
annoyance, but there’s something a little unsettling about the air between
them. Justin isn’t really sure what Josh
is feeling, but for him it’s simple: overpowering frustration.
“I had a great time,” Justin says
after a long pause. “I’m glad you
convinced me to go.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” murmurs Josh,
his eyes fixed on Justin’s front door.
“I really liked all your
friends. Alex and Brad are really cool
guys. Carlos is a trip.”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of
it!” Josh laughs as he pockets the car
keys. “His newest career ‘adventure’ is
his own record label. And he’s taken it
upon himself to convince me to move back to
“Um…yeah.” Justin smiles, but inside a small kernel of
fear materializes. “Is he, um, serious?”
“Actually, he is. He’s even talking to Nick Carter—and they
love to hate each other—about signing with him, so he must be serious. Nick’s had 3 top 100 hit singles in
“Really?”
“Yeah,” Josh chuckles. “I actually did some vocals on one of them.”
“Shit, man, why didn’t you ever tell
me?” Justin asks, just a little hurt.
“It’s not a big deal.” Josh shrugs and leans his head back against
the headrest, exposing his neck to the streetlights. “It was a song Tony wrote, so…yeah.” Justin gulps.
“You have a lot of friends in the
business.”
“Not too many. Some singers, some
producers, a few C list actors. I
dated a DJ once who promised to give my demo airtime, if and when I ever finish
it.”
“You have a dem—why
don’t you ever talk about this stuff with me?”
“It’s in the past, Justin.” Josh smiles sadly and stares off into
space. “My life is different now.”
“That life sounds a lot more
exciting.”
“Maybe.”
“Do you ever want to go back?”
Justin asks cautiously.
“Yeah, but…it’s not that easy.” Josh turns to Justin with clouded eyes. “I have other…things to consider.”
“I see.” Justin isn’t sure if Josh meant his job or
his apartment lease or his friends or even him.
A steady job is important. Broken
leases look bad on a credit rating. Joey
and Lance and Chris are the best. But
what could possibly keep Josh from going back to
“Um, did you ever tell
your—Tony—about the frequent flier miles thing?”
“Yeah.” Josh grins a little. “He didn’t even care, as much as he
travels. With Carter.”
“The way you two used to?” Justin
asks hesitantly. Josh shrugs
wistfully. “Sorry.”
“Please. You know I’m over that.” Josh finally looks directly at Justin. “No more Nicks. Ok?”
“Ok.” They share a smile, which seems to ease the
unwarranted tension.
“So, um. Thanks for being my fake boyfriend
this weekend.”
“You’re welcome.” Justin starts to ask which part of the
weekend Josh is thanking him for, but decides against it. He’s not sure he wants to know the answer.
“Now that we’re back in
Justin looks at his watch, hoping
the action appears nonchalant. “The
weekend isn’t over until Monday. Still a
few hours of Sunday left.” When Josh
doesn’t answer, Justin glances over to catch Josh slowly leaning towards him.
“Good.” Justin licks his lips just in time. They meet midway between their seats, French
kissing with little prologue. It’s
hungry and unrestrained and a very uncomfortable in the bucket seats, but they
don’t stop kissing. Not even with Justin
straining against his seatbelt to get further inside Josh’s mouth. Not even with the questions jumbled up inside
Justin’s love-struck brain. Not even
with the admission struggling to break forth from Justin’s lips. The minute Josh lets him up for air, Justin’s words come faster than he can stop them.
“Josh—we have to talk about—I have
to tell you—”
“What is it?” Josh pleads as he
strokes Justin’s hot cheeks. “You can
tell me anything.”
“C.”
Justin can almost picture the I love
you falling from his lips, but he’s stymied by a flash of headlights. He pulls out of Josh’s embrace as a car parks alongside theirs. He fumbles with his seatbelt, faking a
complicated release so he won’t have to see Josh withdraw disappointedly. Justin sighs and watches his neighbor get out
of her car and proceed to her apartment, not for one second noticing the two
nervous men breathing hard in the next vehicle.
Justin’s brain scrambles for a proper explanation, but there isn’t
one. He sighs and shakes his head. There’s no way he can make it up to
Josh. Not tonight.
“It’s ok, Justin. I understand,” Josh whispers.
“No it’s…thanks.” As ashamed as he feels—and scared—Justin has
never felt more secure in their friendship as he does right now. After last night, he knows Josh won’t hate
him for that pathetic and cowardly display.
That alone allows him to go home and get a good night’s sleep. When he wakes up and wonders why Josh isn’t
beside him, he knows it’s now or never.
**********
The
last Monday in August is, for Justin, a lot like the first Monday in
February. Not a lot gets done, mostly
because he’s staring at Josh all day, and trying really hard to pretend like
he’s not staring at
Josh all day. And he’s nervous, and not
really sure why. Seven months ago he had
no idea what “the new guy” would come to mean to him. But there was something, even then, that drew
Justin’s rapt attention to the skinny, floppy haired, sometimes goofy,
sometimes intense man a few cubicles away from him. Sometimes, when Justin hasn’t looked for a
while, Josh will laugh or sigh or just look at him a certain way, and it’s like
the very first day, butterflies and sweaty palms and all.
When
Justin can’t stand it any longer, he walks over to Josh’s desk, plants his feet
firmly to the ground, and quietly asks, “Josh, would you like to have dinner
with me tonight?”
Josh
looks around quickly, like he can’t believe Justin would be so bold with people
milling about almost within earshot.
Justin can hardly believe it himself.
Especially after avoiding questions from Lance and Chris about what he
and Josh did over their unannounced three day weekend. He knows it’s his responsibility to tell the
others about their trip, but he’s not ready just yet. “Um, oh, well, ah, that depends.” Josh smiles and leans back in his chair,
playing with his tie and tossing his hair out of his eyes. “You asking as a friend…or,
um.” Josh lowers his voice, licks
his lips. “As a date?”
“A friend.” It’s sort
of the truth, after all.
“Oh.”
“No!” Justin catches himself, then clears his
throat, steps a little closer, and looks down at Josh with a sly grin. “I meant…a date. A friendly date. Both, C.” Josh takes his time answering, but the way he
looks up at Justin with parted lips, fluttering eyelashes, and a bouncing knee
foretells his answer.
“I’d
love to.”
Despite
the countless dinners, lunches, breakfasts, plays, museum visits, basketball
games, nature hikes, and other varied social outings Josh and Justin have shared, this dinner has Justin in a bundle of nerves. The restaurant is a cozy little
out-of-the-way place that Joey delightedly suggested when Justin lied about
taking Britney out for her birthday. The
lighting is intimate, the tables are small, and Justin is constantly brushing
his feet or knees or hands against Josh’s under the table. But the food is great, the wine is divine,
and Josh doesn’t seem to mind Justin constantly brushing his feet or knees or
hands against his under the table.
After
Justin pays for dinner, he suggests they take a leisurely walk in a scenic park
that they’ve often passed on their way to Josh’s—and now his—favorite Thai
restaurant. They walk around for a
while, Josh pointing out cute dogs and Justin trying to work up the nerve to
hold his best friend’s hand. When the
sun starts to set, they sit on an iron bench underneath a tree to watch the sky
change colors. They don’t talk much, but
occasionally they smile at each other.
Occasionally their hands touch.
“I
had a great time tonight,” Josh says once they’ve parked in front of his
apartment. Justin smiles and echoes the
sentiment. “You’re a great date.”
“So
are you.” Justin clears his throat and
wonders if he should be so bold as to take his keys out of the ignition. “Well, I mean, it’s not that big of a
surprise. We’ve had dates before.”
“Yeah, but not…um…mmm.”
“Not
what, C?”
“Nothing.”
Justin
blushes as he touches Josh’s fingers.
“Not with, um, kissing at the end?”
Josh goes a little pink himself as he slips his fingers through
Justin’s.
“Would
you like to come in for a nightcap?”
The
kissing commences as soon as the front door closes. They stand in the foyer on teetering legs as
they scramble to hold on to each other.
It’s the first time they’ve made out, in private, not for show, and
standing up. It’s different, to be
sure. At the wedding they’d been so
careful not to overdo it. Justin hadn’t
groaned this deeply as Josh’s tongue explored his mouth. Josh hadn’t purred into Justin’s ear as he
sucked the lobe. Neither would have
deigned to trip over each other’s feet on the way to the wall, like
tonight. Justin sighs happily when Josh
pushes him against the wall and starts on the skin just below his jaw. He lets Josh nibble. He lets Josh slide his hands up inside his
suddenly confining shirt. He lets Josh
kiss him slow and deep while gracefully pressing himself against Justin’s
body. For Justin’s part, he lets his
hands roam, up Josh’s back, into the slightly mussed hair, gentle under his
armpits with thumbs on the nipples, not so gentle on the ass, kneading,
pressing. Justin looks down at their
hips moving together, and lets out a long hiss when Josh presses in and up,
crushing their crotches between their bodies.
“Fuck.” Justin smiles and pulls Josh hard against
him. “Fuck,” he grunts before kissing
him again, harder.
“Fuck…mmm.” Josh growls it
against Justin’s tongue, over and over, and Justin starts to wonder if it’s an
interjection or a suggestion. But before
he can ask, Josh pulls away. They stare
at each other’s mouths for a few seconds as they wipe their own lips dry.
“Um,
I think,” Josh starts, but then has to clear his throat. “That was some goodnight kiss.”
“Goodnight?” Justin tries to conceal his
disappointment. “Yeah, it…it was. Well.
Ah, I guess I better get going.”
He watches Josh, who’s still focused squarely on Justin’s mouth. Justin licks his lips slowly, hopefully. “Josh?
Should I go?”
“Yeah. I think.”
“Ok.” Justin reaches for the door, and grins when
Josh stops him with a soft kiss to the cheek.
“Thanks
for tonight. I had a wonderful time on
our…friend date,”
Josh whispers.
“Me, too.” They kiss
once more before Josh steps aside to open the door. Justin forces a smile as he leaves,
frustrated and confused. Another “benefit”
he doesn’t need.
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