By Zaen
Though
the pressure surrounding your sophomore album was markedly less this time
around, you still found yourself freaking out, if only over 2 tracks. Everything
was ready for recording or mixing save 2 songs.
You were ahead of schedule, hoping for a late autumn release…but those 2
songs.
Love
songs. You’d written those months ago,
and now you couldn’t understand the lyrics.
Then
Jive told you your release date was being held up until the following
year. When this happened on your first
record, you were pissed for months. This
time you were too depressed to care that much.
~~*~~
“Hey, Cha Cha.”
“Lover! How are you,
sweetie?” Eva’s voice could always make
you feel better—when it wasn’t making you feel worse. “You’re calling me in the middle of the
day? Something must be wrong, huh?”
“No. I just…I don’t know. I was thinking about stuff.” You paused, hoping she’d ask, but she only
hummed into the phone. When you listened
close you could hear her filing her nails.
“I was just in the studio, working on some stuff, and…um…”
“Yeeesss?”
“I
was…I mean…how long have we been together?”
“Oh, JC. Not this
again.”
“What? Can’t we talk about our…about us?”
“Honey,
whenever we talk about it, you get all…upset.
And then you get me upset, and then I get you more upset.” She sighed, but the amusement returned to her
voice when she stated, “And then we have hot makeup sex, and everything’s ok
again!”
“Yeah.”
She
sighed again. This conversation was
getting old, after all. “JC, what’s the
problem? I see other people.”
“And
you know I don’t get why.”
“You
get why. You just don’t want to admit
it.”
“I
don’t know what you’re talking about, girl.”
“You
know exactly what I’m talking about,” she responded curtly. Neither of you said anything for a
while. Finally she sighed and said,
“JC. This isn’t working, is it?”
“I
don’t…I don’t know what you mean,” you lied.
“JC. I know you want
this—whatever this is—to work. I get that.
And I really, really, really like you—”
“You’re
breaking up with me.” You held your
breath, unsure of what you wanted her answer to be. “Aren’t you?”
“C’mon. You want something I can’t give you.”
“And
what might that be?” You loved playing
dumb with her. It was so much easier
letting her say everything.
“You
want…”
“What? Say it, baby,” you teased.
“JC,”
she said patronizingly, “I’m not ready to get real serious about anyone right
now.” You rolled your eyes, waiting for
the whole I just got divorced and I’m
enjoying my freedom speech that you’d been hearing for nearly a year. “And…as much as I want to love you—”
“What?”
You nearly dropped the phone.
“As
much as I want to love you, Jace…I’m not sure if you could ever…love me…the same way.”
“What? But…I thought that…are you…huh?”
“Honey. It’s me. What we have is great for what it is. But…you know
we have no future together.”
You
held your breath, but she remained silent.
Finally you whispered, “And why is that?”
“JC. C’mon. Look, if you’re not ready to, like, come to
terms with your, uh, your…needs—”
“Excuse
me?” you gasped.
“Look,
it’s fine, ok?
Stay in denial if you want. I
mean, I know you care about me, and I definitely know you like the punani—”
“Eva!”
“What? I’m being honest, lover! You need a big, huge dose of honesty, baby.”
“I
can’t believe you just said…punani…to me,” you
grunted, hoping you sounded angrier than you really were. She giggled.
“Oh,
you know I’ve said worse to you. And done worse to you!”
“Um…yeah.” You braced
yourself, knowing what was coming.
“I
mean,” she snickered, “if I didn’t know before the strap-on incident—”
“Can
we not talk about that?”
“Fine, baby. Don’t
worry about it.” There was a long
silence. You were afraid to speak,
afraid of what was ahead of you. “JC, I really
care for you, lover. But…” She sighed, and then said very softly, “It’s
hard enough competing with every other woman in the world for a man. I really don’t have the patience to compete
with the men, too.”
“Ev—”
“Hush, baby. Don’t
you worry.
You’ll get there, I know you will.
In the meantime, if you still wanna hang out…chill…be buddies, I’m
here. I dig you, lover. And we have a great time together. Nothing has to change between us…as long as
you can be honest with me. And yourself.”
“I
don’t, I mean, I can’t…shit. I don’t
know what to say,” you stammered.
“Yeah,
well, what are you gonna do, right?” Eva sighed. “That’s what I get for digging the pretty
boys.”
“Shut
up.” You both laughed uneasily, and then
you took a deep breath. When you let it
out, you realized how relieved you felt.
And scared.
“I guess I should, um, thank you?
Maybe?”
“I
guess.”
“I’m
sorry.”
“JC,
I’m fine. I’m a big girl. And hey, I still wanna see you—know what I
mean?”
“Yeah,”
you laughed. The girl was insatiable.
“So,
you know, if you feel like a little girl-nookie, let
me know, lover!” When you coughed
nervously, she asked softly, “Unless…there’s someone else?”
“No,
um, well, I don’t know if…er…not really.”
“Oh, JC.” You braced
yourself again. That
tone was the same one Lance and Chris used whenever you discussed your love
life with them. “Justin’s in love
with her, JC. Isn’t he?” You sighed loudly so you wouldn’t break into
tears. You didn’t ask her how she knew,
or if she was just guessing. But you
weren’t going to deny it. There was no
point.
“Well.” You cleared your throat. “It certainly appears so.”
“Honey. I’m
sorry. But hey,” she said softly, the
most sincere and supportive that you’d ever heard her, “it’s his loss,
baby.” You smiled, wanting to impart to
her how appreciative you were, how sorry you were for your lack of honesty, for
your predilection for unrequited love, but Eva quickly switched gears and
growled, “So lover, let’s get together next week. I’ve got some new toys I want to try with
you!”
You
laughed easily, for the first time in a long time.
~~*~~
Joey
always let his phone ring forever before picking up. When he finally answered, he sounded
breathless but happy. “Hello?”
“Hey,
cat.”
“C! What’s up, brother?”
“Not
much.” You never realized how much you
missed your former band mates until you saw them again—save the one you missed
all the time. “What’s up with you, man?”
“Well,
if you really want to know…” Joey started
in on a tirade about how long the wait lists were for good pre-schools for his
4 year old daughter. You listened
intently. Then Joey went on to tell you
about the scripts he’d been reading. You
tried to listen intently. Then Joey
lowered his voice and offered to inform you about the difference between single
and married sex.
“Joe,
um—”
“Dude,
I’m not kidding. For my birthday and major
holidays, man, it’s like she’s double jointed—”
“Joey!”
“What?”
“Um,
you wanna hear about me?”
“For
sure, man! Why didn’t you say
something?” You couldn’t help
laughing. “So, what’s up with you, C?”
“Um…well…”
“How’s
that sexy girlfriend of yours?”
“We, uh, we kind of split up. Kind of.” Before he could ask, you admitted, “Not kind
of…completely. We weren’t really ever exclusive, from her point of view,
but we were and we weren’t and then she was, like, seeing other guys, but I was
sort of her main guy, but then I was…um…we still, like, have the option of,
like, doing it and stuff…knowwhatImean?”
Joey
didn’t say anything, but you could hear him breathing, and you could hear him
moving. The sound of Joey’s daughter
singing along to kiddy cartoons gradually faded, and then came the thump of a
closing door. “So,” Joey said with
uncharacteristic gravity, “does, uh, does Justin know?”
You
weren’t sure which was more shocking, the question or the tone Joey used to ask
it. You cleared your throat and
whispered, “What? Wh-why
would you ask that?”
“Just
because of Justin’s…um. Hm.”
“What,
Joey?” Your heart started thumping. “What?”
“No,
it’s just. It’s probably nothing,
but. Um.” He sighed, like he was revisiting some
longstanding tedium. “It’s not really my
place to say—”
“Joey, c’mon!”
“I
sorta heard through the grapevine that…well…Justin
got engaged.”
“Oh.” You forced yourself not to scream.
“Like,
I’m talking this close to eloping. Like imminently. Like…any day now—”
“Yeah,
I get the idea,” you interrupted.
“To Cameron.”
“Yeah,
I kind of figured that.” You sat down on
the floor and tried not to picture it—Cameron in white, Justin in a tux, rice
and doves and compulsory heterosexuality—
“But,
dude, it’s probably just a rumor,” Joey said quickly. “There’s always crazy
stories out about J, man. I mean,
I heard a few weeks ago that had throat surgery or something.”
“That
was true, Joey.”
“Really? Damn, I am
way out of the loop. I thought it was
just typical celebrity gossip.”
You
smiled mournfully despite the black cloud storming over your head. “Yeah, but we both know that most of that
shit is true.”
“True. So, like, how is he? Did the surgery go ok?”
You
blushed when you realized you hadn’t spoken to him since your time together…your
last time together, obviously. “I don’t
know. I haven’t talked to him in a
while.”
“That
hospital thing was, like, a month ago.
You haven’t talked to him?”
“Why
do you sound so surprised, Joey?”
“No,
it’s just. Nothing.” You could almost hear the wheels turning in
his head, even through the phone. “Are
you still pissed at him for leaving?”
“Huh?” You nearly gagged. “I can’t…leaving…what
do you mean?
“Leaving the group, dumb
ass!”
“Oh,
yeah, right.” There was no way to cover
that up. “Um.” Images of you and Justin hooking up since the
de facto dissolution of the group ran through your brain like a fast-paced
music video. You sighed, knowing Joey
wouldn’t let this go. “No…I’m not mad at
him anymore. Not for that.”
“I
see.” Joey made a rumbling sound in his
throat; a question was formulating.
“So…are you ok with him getting married, if it’s true?”
“It
doesn’t—I don’t have—it’s not my place to—I have nothing to—”
“I’ll
take that as a no, then,” Joey stated.
“Look, C, I don’t know exactly what’s going on between you two, but I
know that, um, well, you need to work it out.
Like, now, dude. Just work it
out, C. I want you to be happy.” Joey’s voice softened. “You’ve got to get over him.”
“I
know,” you whispered, because there was no point in denying it anymore.
“Ok,
so now that you’ve officially come out—”
“Joey,
look—”
“No,
JC, forget it. I’ve had my suspicions,
and it doesn’t bother me that I’m, like, you’re oldest and dearest friend, and
you didn’t tell me, really it doesn’t!”
“Dude…cat…I’m
sorry.”
“Forget
it, man. Just tell me one thing, JC.” Joey affected a bad Scottish accent and
drawled, “What are you prepared to do?”
You
were a little thrown, and a bit amused that Joey was seemingly on your
side. “Um…what?”
“You
say you want him, eh?” You made a shy
grunt of assent. “You say you want to
get him. Do you really wanna get him?”
he continued in an Australian/Irish/South African mixture. “You see what I'm saying is, what are you
prepared to do?”
“Dude,
you need some work on your accents.”
“What
are you prepared to do?” He was
obviously continuing with this, so you cleared your throat and went along. You really missed him.
“Ok. Yes.
I’m….I’m prepared to do…whatever I can.”
“And
then what are you prepared to do?”
Joey asked with mock anger, making you almost laugh. “If you open the can on these worms you must
be prepared to go all the way.”
“Um,
what does that mean?”
“Because
he’s not gonna give up the fight until one of you is dead!”
You
thought about Justin’s hands around your neck, his misguided attempt at erotic
asphyxiation. You gulped, and
acquiesced. “How do I do it, then?”
You
could hear the grin in Joey’s voice as he did his best Connery. “You wanna know how you do it? Here's how—they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue! That's
the
“Yes, sir!”
“Good!” You both laughed heartily—something you
hadn’t done in a long time. “Um, The Untouchables
was on again last night,” Joey said in his own voice as he caught his breath.
“I
figured.”
“So,
what are you gonna do?”
“I’m
not sure.”
“Because,
seriously, C. You two have been, well, whatevering for,
like, years now.”
“What? No, man, we didn’t start fuc—fooling
around until, like, 3 years ago.” You
were surprised at how easy it was to say, finally.
“Nah,
this thing with you two, it’s been stewing longer than that. Anyone with eyes can tell you that.”
“Cameron
has eyes,” you said quickly, before you could stifle your inner bitch. Joey whistled and made irate cat noises. “Shut up, man. I’m just…I can’t just tell him that I…I
mean…he’s in love, man.”
“And
how do you know that it’s not with you?”
Your
heart lunged into your throat.
“I
don’t think that…I mean, I can’t see how he’d…I
mean…how am I supposed to…oh, shit, Joey!
What am I gonna do?”
“Hold
on!” There was a soft click that sent
you to your feet, pacing nervously. A
million questions swam through your brain, a million possibilities, a million
reasons why you should forget the idea that was slowly taking shape. Before you could confuse yourself further,
Joey came back on the line. “C?”
“Joey,
you gotta tell me what to do, man!”
“So,
you’re gonna confront Justin? Tell him
how you feel? Fight for him?” Joey squealed
excitedly.
You
let yourself have hope for the first time in years. “Yes!”
“It’s
about damn time!” purred a deep voice.
“Lance?”
“Hey, JC. Glad to
hear you’re finally gonna bite the bullet and—”
“Joey, what the fuck?
You three-wayed Lance?”
“Oh,
please, like I didn’t already know,” Lance laughed. “I just can’t believe it’s taken so long for
you to admit it. You’ve been crazy about
Justin for, like, forever.”
“Uh-uh,”
Joey added plainly, “he says they’ve only been together since 2002.”
“That’s
right,” you grunted.
“Sure,
C. Whatever you say.” Lance laughed like he’d just won a long
standing bet. You figured maybe there was such a bet. Chris saw right through you, too. “Look,” Lance continued, “I’m flying down
South day after tomorrow. Why don’t you
come with me, C? We’ll make a pit stop
in
Despite
your nervousness, a huge grin spread across your face. “Ok.
Let’s do it.”
~~*~~
You
started nibbling your nails the minute you, Lance, and your buddyguards
jumped into an SUV limo and left the airport, heading toward Justin’s hometown. The other three talked easily, but the knots
in your stomach kept you quiet.
“Dude,
calm down,” Lance said as he gently pulled your thumb away from your mouth.
“What
if he’s not even home?” you peeped.
“Oh. Good point!”
Lance flipped open his cell phone and dialed Justin’s number. Click.
“Shoot. Anyone remember his
mom’s—”
“Here,”
you grunted as you grabbed Lance’s slim phone and quickly dialed Justin’s
mother’s house. When you heard it ring
you tossed it back to Lance and returned to eating your hand. The three men in the car shook their heads
disappointedly at you, but you didn’t care.
Lance
hummed and nodded his head like he was listening to something other than
ringing. Finally, “Yes,
hello. May I speak to
“Oh my God.” It was
all you could do to keep from grabbing the phone and screaming.
Lance
frowned, then, seeing your impatience, made an attempt at a crooked smile. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?” he asked
into the phone. You hadn’t even noticed
that you were panting and sweating a bit, until Lonnie patted you on the back,
the way he always did when you were nervous.
“Ok, do you know where that is?
Um, yes, this is Lance. Bass. Lance
Bass. Yes, I am, ma’am. No, not that one. Yes, the blonde one. Yes, that’s right, the one with the deep
voice. Yes, the one who tried to go to
space,” he groaned.
“Let’s
go back,” you sighed into your hand.
“Yes, ma’am, that Lance
Bass.” Lance went red. “Um, well, I wouldn’t trust what the Internet
has to say regarding anyone’s sexual pref—”
“Laaaaance!” you screeched, knees bobbing wildly.
“Ok,
just a second.” Lance snapped his
fingers at all 3 of you, who shrugged until someone figured out he wanted a pen
and paper. “Ok, go ahead.” Lance scribbled on the paper on his
knee. Upside down, from your angle, it
looked like gibberish. You started to
panic.
“Lance,
what’s going on?” you demanded.
He
held his hand out to calm you, but he probably knew it wouldn’t work. “Ok, thank you very much, ma’am. Yes, we’ll do that. Thank you very much, ma’am.” Lance clicked his phone off, and quickly
turned around to address the driver.
When he turned back around, he looked down at his hands.
“Well? Lance?
What is it?”
“I
talked to an aunt or something. She told
me where Lynn and Justin are right now.”
Lance looked out the window.
“They’re at a church, C.”
“Oh,
I see, um. Oh.” You nodded and leaned against the
window. You wanted to die.
The
church was out in the woods, set far back from the main road. Several cars and a few vans were parked
around the small building, but it was nowhere near the hubbub that you’d have
expected at celebrity wedding, secret or no.
You breathed deeply so you wouldn’t throw up.
“There
they are,” Lance said softly as he pointed to the side steps of the
church. Justin was standing there in a
dark suit, talking softly to his mother.
Two guys, one carrying a video camera, were walking around like they
were waiting for something to begin.
“Oh, God.”
“Breathe
man,” Lonnie whispered as he rubbed your back.
“I
don’t think I can do this,” you admitted weakly.
Lance
gave you a sweet, sympathetic look, so it surprised you a bit when he very
calmly stated, “I understand, JC…but stop being a pussy and get the fuck out of
this car and get your man!” Before you
could respond, Lonnie flung the door open and promptly pushed you out of the car.
“Shit!”
you grunted as you landed on the soft earth.
Justin looked over at the commotion.
His eyes grew wide at the sight of you brushing dust off your pants.
“Jace? What are you doing here?” Justin asked softly.
“Justin,
I have to talk to you.”
“Can’t
it wait, C? Can’t you see I’m, um,
busy?” he muttered, pointing his head to indicate the people, the hubbub, the
ceremony.
“Justin. Please.”
You looked him squarely in the eye.
“You…you can’t do this.”
Justin
gave you a curious and suspicious look. “Can’t
do what, JC?”
“You
can’t…you can’t marry her, J. You
can’t. Please don’t do this.” Justin tensed and quickly ushered his mother
away. You watched him and tried to stay
calm.
“JC,
I don’t know what you think you’re doing” he said slowly, like he was talking
to a kid, “but this…I mean…what are you doing here? Who told you I was here?”
“Does
it matter?” you whined as you looked around casually for signs of a white
dress. “I couldn’t let you go through
with it, J.” Justin chuckled lightly,
and if you weren’t so nervous and frazzled, you’d actually be pissed off at
him. “Is this funny?”
“Yeah,
it is, JC. It’s hilarious.” Justin’s angry glare betrayed his easy
tone. “Look, C, you shouldn’t have
come.”
“Why?”
you hissed, and grabbed his arm. Justin
shot a nervous glance around.
“Stop
it! Someone’ll
see!” he hissed.
“So
what if they do, J? I need to talk to
you.” You let his arm go,
reluctantly. You missed touching
him. “Can’t you spare an old friend a
few minutes before you…before you do this?”
“JC,
it’s not…shit.” He rubbed his hands over
his face, shaking his head sadly. “JC. Look, I know
that things…didn’t end well between us before,” he whispered. “I know it was my fault.”
“Justin,
that’s not what this is about. I don’t blame you for anything.”
“Ok,
but…um…I mean, we haven’t spoken since…the
island. And, uh, you never called…when I
was in the hospital.” Justin averted his
eyes as a soft blush spread over his cheeks.
You touched his face, even though his eyes grew wide, even though everyone’s
eyes were on you.
“I’m
sorry I didn’t come to see you, J. I
didn’t think you’d want to see me. And I
knew you were with her.”
“So?”
“So…Jus…it
was hard for me, you know?” You tried to
speak softly, but the heat was getting to you, and your patience was wearing
thin. “It’s been hard ever since we…you
know.”
Justin
shook his head incredulously at you. “Hard for you? JC,
you’re the one that…fuck you!” He pulled
away from your hand that had moved to his shoulder and stomped further away, to
the cover of trees behind the church.
You followed him, and nearly ran into him when he quickly turned around.
“Justin,
why are you mad at me?”
“Are
you serious?” Justin glanced over at
Trace, who was pointing to his watch.
Justin shook his head and then looked back at you. He pitched his voice so only you could hear
him hiss, “I spend an arm and a leg on a week in paradise for us, and at the
end of it you freaking dump me, and now you have the nerve to come down to my
hometown and think you have the right to tell me what to do with my life?”
“I…what?”
“You’re
unbelievable, man.”
“Wait
a minute!” You held your hand out as if
to steady your swimming brain. “Justin,
what are you talking about? You spent an
arm and a leg? Dumping?”
“Forget
it, JC. Just go home.” He tried to walk past you, but you stopped
him.
“No,
Justin. What are you talking about? I don’t understand!”
“Yeah,
that’s pretty obvious to me.” He sniffed
and exhaled loudly, resignedly. “I’ve
gotta go, C. I’ve got something to take
care of.”
You
lunged for him, but he slipped out of your grasp. “Justin, listen to me!”
“No,”
he grunted, and kept walking forward, though more slowly. You wanted to throttle him as much as you
wanted to embrace him.
“J,
please, stop it.” You caught up to him
and grabbed him by the biceps, spinning you both so you had your back to the
crowd. “Please, man. Even if the two of us don’t…I just…don’t
marry her, man. Please, just trust
me. Just wait. Give yourself more time to think about
it. To make sure she’s the right wo—person
for you. To make sure there’s no one
else you could ever love more than her.”
You were shaking by then, but you forced yourself to meet his scared
eyes. “Please, J. You can’t marry her. You just can’t.”
Justin’s
eyes softened for a second, but then the hard gaze returned. He clenched his jaw, his lips barely moving
when he uttered, “Why shouldn’t I? Give
me a good reason, JC. Give me one good
reason why I shouldn’t marry her.”
Your
mouth opened, but the breath left your lungs.
You wanted to call to Lance for backup, but your throat threatened to
close up on you. Justin stared at you,
waiting, but all you could do was pant and shake your head. You couldn’t say it. You wanted to, but you couldn’t. You were frightened.
“One
reason, JC,” Justin whispered. “Just one.”
“Justin.”
“That’s
what I thought. Goodbye, JC.” Justin pulled away and started walking up the
steps into the small church. Your
stomach lunged into your throat. It made
you scream.
“Justin!”
“Go
back to
“Wait!”
“Give
me the reason, C!” he shouted over his shoulder. You braced yourself, and let it out.
“Because I’m in love with you!”
~~*~~
Everyone
gasped, and turned to look at you, then at Justin. When he turned around, his face was white,
but he didn’t look angry. He took a step
toward you, and then the small crowd descended on him, shouting questions and
taking pictures. And there was the video
camera as well. Before you could move,
you were being picked up and thrown back into the limo by your bodyguard. You tried to fight, but then the eyes and
lenses turned towards you, and your head suddenly swelled up like a
balloon. The last thing you saw was Justin,
still on the steps, his eyes burning into you, even through the tinted car
windows. And then everything went black.
You
awoke with a start to two big brown eyes staring down at you.
“What
happened?” you croaked.
“You
passed out, dude.” Lonnie shook his head
at you disappointedly, and you knew exactly what he was thinking—lightweight pretty boy.
“Mmm.” You sat up and looked around. Hotel room. Picture of downtown
“I
left them down at the, uh, the site,” he tried to say without laughing. “I believe they’re doing some serious damage
control at this point.” He handed you a
glass of water; you guzzled it with a nod of thanks. “That Southern heat will get you, man. No wonder you…passed out.”
“Go
ahead,” you sighed. “You know you want
to.”
“Dude!” Lonnie snorted
and clapped his hands as he laughed.
“That was like something out of a soap opera, man!”
“Don’t
you work for me? Are you allowed to
laugh at me like this?” you grumbled.
“Aw,
shut up, man.” He plopped down on the
bed next to you and ruffled his hands over your short hair. “Don’t worry about it, C. We’ll take care of it. Nobody’s going to find out anything. Might cost you a lot of dough, but—”
“Shit.”
“Don’t
worry about it.” He grabbed your neck in
his large hand and shook you a little until you smiled and nodded in
submission. “Hey.” When you could finally meet his eyes, you saw
how serious he looked. “I hope it works
out for you two. You guys have been
circling each other in the ring for years.
It’s about time you…you know…do what you gotta do.”
“You
knew?” you squeaked.
“Give
me some credit, JC. It’s my job to know
these things.” He smiled as he stood up
and checked his vibrating cell phone.
“You’ve been together, what?” He
looked at his fingers. “I’ve been with
you guys since ’97, so…shit, man! He was
just a kid then!”
“I
was not—look, we weren’t doing anything back then!”
“Hmph, if you say so.”
You threw your arms up in the air, but Lonnie dismissed you with a laugh
as he walked toward the window and made a phone call. When he came back he was smiling at you
condescendingly. “You have some great
friends there, man. Press won’t find out
a thing. Justin and Lance took care of
it.”
“Justin…did…I
mean…did he? Did they…get married?”
“They
didn’t say. But, dude, did you even see his
girl there?”
“I…oh. Oh!” You lunged for your manpurse
and scrambled for your cell phone. You
dialed Justin’s numbers, but got nothing.
“Shit, where is he?”
“Who?”
“Justin!”
“Oh,
they said he went to catch a plane for
“
“Uh. Well, he
probably had the tickets already, man. Before you showed up.”
You
slid to the floor, staring at your phone.
“Oh.”
“I
mean, he probably already had that planned…before he knew that…you…you know.”
“I
get it.”
“I
mean, maybe that Diaz girl isn’t even going with him,” Lonnie said
nonchalantly. “Like, what are they gonna
do in
“Yes,”
you mumbled. He closed the door and you
crawled onto the bed and prayed for unconsciousness. You had nightmares about Don Ho serenading Justin
and Cameron on their honeymoon.
~~*~~
You
threw yourself into your album, only emerging from the studio to eat, sleep,
drink too much, and see your family. Eva
had happily moved on with a new guy.
There
was no word from Justin at all.
~~*~~
The
first time you, Joey, Lance, and Chris were all together again since Joey’s
wedding was in Joey’s hotel room the first night of Challenge for the Children
VII. You talked business for a few
minutes, but no one wanted to discuss whether or not they thought Justin would
show.
“So,”
Chris said after a long, uncomfortable silence, “anyone bum rush any weddings
lately?” You covered your face and
sighed. “I can’t believe you didn’t
invite me to come, too. I can always use
a good laugh, C.”
“I’m
never leaving my house again,” you groused.
“Oh, c’mon. It’s
funny. Dangerous,
stupid, and reckless, but still funny.”
“It
was kind of funny,” added Lance, who
shrugged helplessly when you shot him a withering look. “I’m sorry, JC, but, I mean, it was romantic
funny.”
“It
gets funnier every time I see it!” Joey laughed. A dastardly smile crept across his face.
You
thought you might choke on your own tongue.
“What…are you…what?”
“There
was a video camera there, JC,” Lance said.
“And it was rolling.” You opened your mouth, but you couldn’t
speak. You could barely breathe. “Don’t worry, Jace. We got all the footage. Every picture, every
negative. Every
last tape.”
“Funny as hell!” Joey laughed.
“Why
do you think your face isn’t all over the National
Enquirer?” Lance raised his eyebrow,
but his sweet smile softened the mischief in his voice. “If you’d answered your phone in the last
week, JC, you’d have known what happened.”
“What
happened?” you asked, not sure if you really wanted to know.
“Well,
on my copy of the tape,” Joey cut in, ignoring your grimace, “a big black car
rushes to the front of a little old church, and then you burst out and run over
to Justin, who looks shocked to see you, and then you two argue about
something—”
“Something. Right,” snickered Chris. “You can’t hear what you’re saying, but you
can totally tell it’s a lover’s quarrel!”
You
cringed and looked at Chris out of the corner of your eye. “You’ve seen it, too?”
“Who
hasn’t, C?”
Joey
started back in with, “And then you’re all grabbing onto Justin’s arm but he
won’t come with you, and then he’s going up the steps, and then you take a deep
breath and yell—”
“Don’t. Please.”
If it wasn’t you they were talking about, you’d want to hear the end,
but your head was already starting to hurt from the memory. “I’m trying to forget,” you sighed.
“Don’t
blame you, man,” Chris noted. “You were
pathetic.”
You
ignored Chris’ comment, because there was no arguing with the truth. “So, why didn’t any of this get out? And what happened to the wedding? Did they…I mean…are they?”
Your
three unofficially former band mates smiled at you like they felt sorry for you
and were laughing at you at the same time.
It was a smile you’d seen a lot from them over the years, when you just
didn’t “get it.” No one wore that smile
more than Justin.
Lance
touched your hand, made you look him in the eye. “They didn’t get married, JC.”
“Yes!” It slipped out. You blushed, but signaled for him to
continue.
“Thing
is, Jace, there was never a wedding. What you thought you were, uh,
interrupting…” Lance waited for Chris to
stop laughing. You ignored it. Your heart was beating a mile a minute. “It wasn’t a wedding at all.”
“Huh?”
“Thing
is, Justin was only taping something for MTV,” Lance pronounced. “I think he said it was a special about
“Um…no.”
“He’s
honest, I’ll give him that,” Chris mumbled with a yawn.
“Why
didn’t anyone tell me?”
“You’ve
been incommunicado since it happened,” Joey said. “And it was only, like, a week or so ago. They needed time to make sure this didn’t get
out,” he said as he nodded toward Lance.
“Bribery takes some time. And so
does dubbing and editing lots of video tape, man!”
“Maybe
I should move to
“It’s
all taken care of, JC,” Lance said with a quick scowl in Joey’s direction. “Justin really came through. He threw his weight around down there. We got every piece of footage, every notepad,
signed confidentiality agreements, the works.
I barely did anything.”
“Thanks,”
you peeped. “I don’t know what to say,
man.”
“Yeah,
but how much did it cost?” Chris grunted.
You covered your face with your hands.
“Um…it
cost…it wasn’t cheap,” Lance sighed.
“But Justin took care of that, too.
I mean, it wasn’t an arm and a leg, but—”
“Shit,”
you said under your breath. An arm and a leg. Justin’s voice came back to you from that
day. He’d told you he’d spent that much
on your secret getaway, but that still made no sense to you. On the island he’d said it cost him
nothing…nothing but sex. Had he lied? “I’m really sorry I put you through all
that.” Lance made a dismissive gesture,
like it was all in a day’s work to him.
“Well, sure, but…what about for Justin?
I mean, was he mad?”
“Wouldn’t
you be mad if your secret gay lover outed you on camera in front of a
church at your pretend wedding?”
“Not
helping, Chris!” Lance snapped. You didn’t
blame Chris; he was right. Annoyingly
blunt, but right.
“Don’t
worry, Jace,” Joey said. “He’ll come around. Just give him some time.” When that offered no comfort, he added, “At
least they didn’t get married, right?”
“Yeah,”
you sighed hopefully. “But…they still
could, right?” The room fell silent, and
you lost yourself in visions of your worst nightmare—Justin, a married man with
2.5 kids, a big movie star that never sang anymore, driving Hummers and hanging
out with Arnold and Maria, voting Republican, making homophobic movies with Mel
Gibson…
“Earth to C!” Lance chortled, waving a hand in front of your
face. Another occurrence you’ve
accustomed yourself to over the years.
“Everything’s been taken care of, so feel free to show your face in
public again.”
“At
least until Justin gets married again.
For real,” Chris laughed. He
rubbed your back apologetically. “I’m just dickin’ with you, C. It’s all good.”
“Yeah,”
you said hopefully. Suddenly you pointed
at Joey and frowned. “You got me into this mess, man! You told me he was getting married! You gave me the whole Untouchables speech! It’s
your fault!”
Joey
froze. “Um. Sorry?”
“C’mere!” You tackled
Joey to the floor and set about tickling him into submission. “Admit that it’s your fault! I would have never gone down there if you
hadn’t made me!”
“Because you’re a wimp!” Joey cackled as he tried to knock
you off him.
“No, because I’m sensible!”
Joey blew you a raspberry, which only made you tickle harder.
“Stop
it, C!”
“Not
until you say I’m not a wimp!” you laughed heartily for the first time since
“Well,
who could argue with that?” You froze,
and the laughter that had been coming from all 4 of you suddenly fizzled. Joey looked over your shoulder toward the
voice coming from the door, but you didn’t even bother. You’d know that voice anywhere.
“Hey,
Justin,” Lance said calmly. You rolled
off Joey but kept your back to the door.
You needed a few more seconds to compose yourself.
“Hey,
guys,” Justin said to the room. You
listened intently as he greeted them individually. Then you slowly turned around and looked at
Justin’s face. He looked tired, and a scraggly
beard covered his chin. But he looked
beautiful to you nonetheless. Some
things never change.
“We
didn’t think you’d show up,” Chris said with a smirk. Justin smiled and nudged him.
“Yeah,
well. You know.” He still didn’t look at you.
“Hey, Justin.” You
wanted it to come out softly, but it sounded like you were shouting.
Justin
met your eyes and smiled sadly. “Hey, C. Good to see
you.” The others looked at you looking
at Justin. You wanted so badly for Chris
to make a joke that would get everyone laughing and you asking what the punch
line meant. You just wanted it to be
like old times…when Justin didn’t know you loved him. When he still could stand
to be around you.
Finally,
thankfully, Lance coughed and offered, “Why don’t we leave you two alone—”
“No,
I, uh, I’ve gotta be someplace. Phone
call to make,” Justin said softly, pointing to the door behind him.
“Yeah,
uh, is
“Not
sure. She’s got this trial thing going
on back home,” Justin replied, looking down at his feet. That made you sad. “Back home” used to mean
“Ok,”
you whispered, your throat tight.
“But
I’ll see you guys at the bowling thing, right?”
His eyes stayed on you, but the others answered “yeah, sure” all
around. “Ok. It’ll be like old times this weekend. Right?” He left with the question unanswered. When the door closed Joey hugged you from
behind.
“I’m
sorry, dude,” Joey whispered in your ear.
You
faked a smile. “I never should have gone
to
It
felt like you were holding your breath the entire weekend. You and Justin made small talk, even laughed
a few times, but you never had any time alone with him. When Cameron didn’t show you felt a surge of
hope that you two would at least get to talk privately, but then Justin left
suddenly, without saying goodbye to you.
You went to your parents’ house and pretended that your heart wasn’t
broken.
~~*~~
CHAPTER
NINE>>>
Copyright 2005-2006 by KTA