journa05

I never did end up doing that math homework. Maybe I will find some time later in the day to do it. Who knows. Actually, I ended up going to a party last night where I stayed the entire night, got slightly drunk, and played "truth or dare" until around 6am in the morning. I think by the time it was over, most of us had removed some part of our clothing at least once during the evening. *grin*

Did I ever mention that I need a job? Even though I don't have time for one and I am probably going to fail everything anyway because of lack of time for studing, but I have got to pay some bills and I have no idea how I am going to do it. I don't even have a computer that works anymore. :(

After spending the next hour watching the Teletubbies we all went to bed. It has been years since I slept on a water bed...but, it wasn't uneventful to say the least. Laters.

Why is it that everything in life ha be be about compteition. Constantly, people are fighting to win battles that often times, arn't even there. My God, I can't understand why the drama can't end. Is it always like this? Does it never change? *FEH* to all idiots out there who can't define friendship within the boundaries of kindness and loyality.

I did absolutly nothing eventful today. I woke up and roled out of bed around 2pm today at my friend Barbara's house, where I obviously crashed last night. It was an amazing site to see a guy on one side of me, a girl on the other, and another guy on her side...what a way to start the morning.

After finally getting up and reading the daily dose of destiny under my sign, it said "the stars are stacked against you boy, get back in bed." Or at least it should have. Yesterday was one of those days that yielded absolutly nothing. I'm still trying to figure out what the point was. After making lunch/dinner for everyone at Barbara's we proceeded to take a friend home in Nashville, and go to a Local bookstore.

The only thing that I remotely enjoyed out of the hours that I was awake was being in this old movie theatre that had been turned into an upscale bookstore. They even kept the markee. So I passed the next hour away reading magazines on the floor of the gigantic building. Then we went to the ever popular Red Rose for coffee and pleasant conversation, masking the only true intention which was to find someone to sudice for the evening. After the rose closed I went to another friends place and spent the rest of the morning in another challanging venture of "truth or dare." I managed to keep my clothes on this time. And yes, we do actually do other things in tennessee. though I just can't think of anything more exciting right now.......laugh...laugh, fucking laugh.

So after being royally pissed off by the attempted contolling, and rather stupid actions of so called "friends," i headed back here...and that, my friend, is my life, as uneventful and annoying as it is. I keep wondering when I will wake up.

"Its like I am down in a hole, that is collapsing further and further by the minute and I have spend the last hour helping people out of it until the last person is safe. Then I look upward, expecting someone to throw me a line, and see nothing. I wait for what seems like days, and see nothing. As I claw and scratch to get to the top it just gets deeper and still, as the light at the surface lessens from distance, I see nothing."

I used to think that if I gave everything I could, that it was all that mattered, because everything would work out for the best in the end. If I worked to change the world, and did my best not to let it change me, that it couldnt. But it has.

I don't even laugh anymore, there is nothing that I can find to be joyful about. People read my words and they say I am wading in self pity. But that doesnt change anything either. A lot of people are eager to give you their opinions, but when it comes to their help, it doesnt really exist.

I used to cry, I guess, for some reason that made me feel better. Often now, I can't even find tears, I don't even know what is wrong most of the time. But I do know something is. What am I going to do about it? that is the question of the century I guess, because I just don't know anymore.

I am supposed to be so happy, from others viewpoints I have everything going for me. But when I look, it's like everything is already gone

I close my eyes and wonder why I am still here. It's as if I was put here as part of a huge master plan, and I had one job, one chance to shine, and I missed it.

I'm at my parents home now, for the weekend. i don't really call it my own anymore. But regarless it is home for me I guess. I spent most of the day today at another one of those wonderful family gatherings. It was an anniversery party, or something like that, thye are all the same. You go and put on your best face for the family, while they spend their time giving you theirs. It's never ending cycle.

I found some time this afternoon to go riding, which is something I really enjoy. It's been a while since I have gotten up to the stables - though I really don't know why. As I rode, and felt the clod drizzle on my face and arms as it began to rain, my mind was totally blank. I had no problems. I was actually free from the harsh reality that surrounded me.

I'm not sure if it was the horse breathing, or the speed of its' run, but I had no worries. Of course like all things - it had to end.

My parents - we hardly talk anymore. We don't even know what we argue about. I came back up to the house and changed clothes. As I walked though the kitchen my dad looked at me like I was some oddity that he had been meaning to get rid of

As I ate, I looked around at what had been my home for so long and wondered what happened. When did this place become so foriegn.

After dinner I went out to the cliffs - something that was much less removed - a place where I had come to cry for years. Nothing has changed in so long I guess, except maybe the reasons for the tears. Some nights I just lie down and cry. Holding my pillow tight I keep wondering what went wrong. What did I do? Then I open up my eyes, to face reality, and it will never answer me.

Even the white marble in the floors looks dark and dingy to me now. Kinda like me and my future I guess. The rain on the window just calls my tears again, like it needed more mositure to keep falling. Maybe the coming spring will life my spirits, but even as much as I love spring, I can't see anything short of...well I don't know, anything. ***sigh*** Maybe..

I spent most of the day today in church. That was the highlight of my week. I guess I got to see a lot of people that I haven`t seen in a while, that was nice. But it never ends with my family - my mom just keeps telling me how I never come often enough even though I need to be there more than anyone. I CANT STAND THAT! But whatever. I'm going to sleep now, maybe I can sleep until the morning....then just start the bullshit all over again.

It was such a beautiful dy today. I got up around 7:00am this morning, even though I was up watching movies until like 3am in the morming. I saw Cruel Intentions for the 7th time last night at Regal Hollywood 27 in Nashville. I guess I just can't get enough of that movie, or some of the actors, I can't figure out which one it is yet.

Today was so awesome though. It was close to 80 degrees here all day long and it was the first day that I have actually gottne to wear shorts since spring began. I am really excited about spring finally being here I guess. I am putting a lot of hope into feeling a lot better about myself and things in general this spring.

I am off to a meeting so I guess I will write again later. It's just amazing to me how just one smell of the spring air can make me so happy, with the knowledge that one word from someone could destroy it all.

Well that's just great. I just realized how hungry I was and looked at the time and it is too late for me to eat anywhere on campus and I have no money to go elsewhere...ARGGG!

I slept today until 1:30 and then got up to go to my math class but realized that I didn't have my book because it is still in the trunk of someone's car so...I didn't go. I probably going to fail the class anyway :(

I have spent a lot of the day worring about someone. Someone who I really care about has been hurt really bad and i don't know what I can do to help. I have tried, but he will hardly talk to me...but I will keep trying I guess.

I have a meeting at 7 so i should go I guess. later....