I have somewhere else to go anyway, which is the only reason I actually stopped here I suppose. I know that I have to look really funny right now walking down the sidewalk writing in a black leather bound pad and paying no attention to where I am going.
But I am actually going to the walnut street bridge. The bridge has been closed to cars for years now. This is the place where I lost my emotional virginity you could say. I fell in love here last summer for the first time, with a person who I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Because of - well, reasons - we haven't seen each other since September.
As I sit with my legs hanging over the mighty Tennessee, I long for the past as a few more teardrops catch a ride to the sea.
I woke up at 12:30 and got dressed and went to my traffic hearing. They almost took away my driver's liscense ! ! ! But I just hve to attend driving school and not get any more speeding tickets. Not being able to drive would not be a good thing.
I got back on campus around 5:00 and went to dinner with my friend Mark in the James Union Building. I had a pizza sub from subway, if anyone actually cares :) I have no plans for today. Actually, I anticipate that I will be rather bored this evening. Oh well. There is nothing like blank time to make you think about your problems.
"I'm not an idiot, i know how the world works, but I'm too involved now. You jump, I jump, remember."
This has not been one of my better days, I'll have to admit, whatever those are. After getting up and going in late to a three hour algebra class, I clampered to the James Union Building to get some food, thinking that would make me feel better, I guess that is what I get for thinking.
I wandered to the Business/Aerospace building and heard music coming from one of the lecture halls. I peeked into the door on the second floor to find it empty. So as I walked down the isle, I was met with the wonderful voice of Celene Dieon (or however you spell her name) Someone had left a cd running in the computer at the base of the lecture hall. This is the largest one on campus. It is more like a cinema really. A theatre with surround sound with a 50ft screen at the front. It was so awesome to hear the music echoing through the huge room. That is where I am now, with the soundtrack in the background at the base of this ampithetre.
A couple of people have asked me about some of the refrence's I made in past journals, and today seems the most appropriate to reveal one of them.
This summer, as I mentioned before, Jason was the center of my life. Everything revolved around him and the time I spent with him.It was the first time that I ever felt real love, when I knew what that was that is.
I met jason during late spring last year online, just before school was out. We talked as much as we could whenever we found eachother online and through email. Then after summer break, we decided to meet. The first time we met was at a small theatre in his hometown. We saw city of angels. As we watched the movie, in the old seats that seemed as if they would collapse at any second, there was a point when we crossed our arms at the same time and touched eachother's fingertips. I will never forget that touch for the rest of my life, my entire body shuddered. I felt alive - in love.
The nect few weeks that preceeded were like a dream. I made the 2 hour trip there once a day every single day for nearly a month after working several hours. We were always together. I usually went to his house, because his parnets worked for the entire day. Other times we would go out for donuts in the morning, or coffee. One of the last time I spent with him was at the walnut street bridege in Chattanooga, as I mentioned before. It was there that we first talked about how we felt toward eachother. It was there that I knew I had met the person that I wanted to spend my life with.
Two weeks later, after eating dinner with his family and a night out bowling with them, they knew me as a friend of his from school, I rode back to my vehicle in the backseat with him the happiest boy alive. We spent the time in the car singing to the radio.
The next morning, around 10:30 I called his house as I did every morning. I was startled when his Dad answered the phone. I assumed he was home from work for some reason...and asked to speak to him normally. His dad said "no," and called his mom to the phone. She said "Nicholas, we know." I cried. She forbade me from ever seeing him again and made me do the hardest thing I have ever done...say goodbye.
A week later after being on a trip with my church, i came in around 2am in the morning to find my mother crying at the kitchen table. I was frightened and asked her what was wrong and she looked at me as if she saw right through me and said, "Jason's parents were here."
They had come to my house when only my day was home and told him that I was gay, and about the un-Godly and foul things that I was doing to their son.
It's been since september since I last saw Jason. Today I have missed him most of all I think, him and the happiness I felt with him. I have cared about a lot of people since then, but never have I felt love for anyone. I promised him once that I would always be there for him, and Ill never let go of that promise.
