My once in a life time came to me a couple of years ago. That was the happiest time in my existance as far as I'm concerned. It ended with a heart full of word unspoken. After that no one could see the flame in me. For a long time, I didn't expect to have another chance nor was I looking for one. But then I got it an have been happy again for a while now. I thought everything was okay. And then I took the person for granted that meant the most to me. Like so long ago, I'm slowly loosing him no matter how hard I try.
I dont know what it is tonight, if it's the full moon or the meds I'm not taking, but every litle thing I do seems to be dragging me back in time. I know that there has to be a day when I open my eyes to what is going on around me in the present rather than being so focused on what has already happened.
The rocks on the mountain side are looking as sad as me. They are dripping with tears of the moonlight that shines so brightly tonight. The city lights below seem to spell a familiar name, but I wont let myself say it. We are under the same sky though. That thought isn't as comforting as I thought it would be, even as true as it is.
It really is amazing how life affords you oppurtunities at every turn. They my not be the right ones for you, and they may be the right ones, but hold pure terror in the end. But at the end of every road, there is always the beginning of another one. It's scary though, because it is always very well lighted at the beginning of that road, and the further you try to look down it, the less and less you can see.
So, you have 2 choices, you can stay where you are, afraid of what could happen if you walk even more than a few steps, or you can walk on.
The first one, leaves you no where but where you were. The second road, you know that no matter what lies at the end of it, there is also the beginning of another. So, the only thing to do, is to plunge in and see what happens. You may or may not find what you are looking for there. Often you don, but if you dont keep searching, you can never find it
Isn't it annoying how I use all these ifs and hypothetical situations. grin, its the best way I know how to explain to myself, in these words, what is going on in my life, and to other people who read. Whereever you are, whoever you are. Thanks. For what I'm not yet sure, but there must be something. laters...
Such a wonderful thought, No more no cry. It's part of an NSYNC song actually, and a policy that is perfect in theory, but almost impossibile to carry out. No matter how much you try to distance yourself from a person, a relationship, even the possibility of one, or even a certain idea or belief, if you feel strongly enough one way or the other, it is impossible to force your self yo change you feelings. And thus, impossibile not to be hurt if those feelings aren't accepted by a certain individual or group.
I guess the only thing left to do, is to make yourself callous to negativity, and callous to rejection. The only problem with that, is that each time you do so, you block other emotions to, sometimes, you even partially block the possibility of love or another emotion of the sort from happening again, or you push it down to another level immediatly as some sort of defense mechanisim. This is good, in some ways I suppose. But the more those emotions get blocked, the fewer chances there are to unblock them.
Sometimes, it turns out like that even when you love someone and they love you back, you get so caught up in what you want a relationship to be, that you never actually see what it isn't, and perhaps never can be. So you block out at each occurance of doubt or regret, and the possibility that you are in a situation which would perhaps be better ended than continued as it is. In that regard, often, people never stop to notice that they are being dragged behind a relationship like a pre cival war slave tied behind a horse for breaking his master's rules and not feeling the way he is "supposed" to, all the while tearing and beating the hell out of both parties involved.
Solutions are out there for everything, finding them isn't the problem, it's accepting them, and following through. sigh....
