I guess that settles that.....sigh. Someone, who in the short time I have known him, has become a very good friend, is in my opinion on the road to making the mistake of his lifetime. But, of course, that is my opinion, and that is his life.
We all have comfort buffers. It's a defense mechanism that we inlist when we are stirred from our dreams, or when it looks like they won't come true. we get comfortable with a situation and we don't want it to change. So, every amount of energy in our lives goes into making or dream work, even when it is impossibile.
I know someone, who often quotes, "It's kind of fun to do the impossibile." I guess it would be, if one could do such a thing. But you can't. It is feasible to make the impossibile possibile I suppose. And I hope he has done that. I wish the best for him, in everything. And I hope that he knows that no matter what, I will always be there for him. HUGS mykey. I'm gonna miss you.
And as I sit in an office looking totally insaine as I type through my tears, I know everything is gonna be okay. Because the alternative, isn't an alternative at all. And I have no choice but to continue. I said myself a few days ago, that you have to learn from every experience, no matter how aweful or painful it may be.
Maybe, some day, I will figure out what it is that I have learned from this short-lived but life affecting situation, who knows. But I'm sure it's a lesson, and a person, that I will never forget.
I drudged through word today - smiling and being flirty with Austin was the highlight of that I suppose. I'm always flirty, he's always flirty, we love to play. But that's all it is,
I drove into the city after work. Being in midtown usually heightens my spirits a bit - it didn't.
Walking through the park was so depressing. Seeing all the couples on blankets, or walking together holding hands. Boy girl couples, boy boy couples, girl girl couples. I guess their openness should have been exilirating, it wasn't. Some of their smiles did cause a few of my own, but that quickly faded into the lonliness. It always does it seems.
I missed his gratuation. It was last weekend. I've been putting all my time these last couple of weeks into something that would never happen. I can't believe I forgot. I couldn't have talked to him, I know that. But I would have loved to have watch him walk across the stage.
I could have watched the person I will never stop remembering have the happiest day of his life so far, or at least I hope it was that for him. I miss him so much. Or at least I miss the way he made me feel, or the way I felt, I dunno which. It would have been so good to jsut see his face, to hear someone else call his name outside my dreams.
I just noticed my waiter, dark brown eyes, dark skin. Jason had the most enchanting blue eyes with just the hint of green, and milky fair skin. He smiles at me, I don't know his name, maybe Charlie, I fake smiles back. Im good at that. I like his attention. Even though I'm sure I'm paying for it. sigh.
!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to stop this. Why do I wast my time. Why do I even try anymore. All I can think about is the time I used to be happy, and all the times I've tried to be. It's like I've spent the past year or so "chasing Jason," in everybody I could find. FOREVER SIGHS. Ella Fitzgearld and her funny valentine arn't making things any better right now - in the background. That song has been on every where I have gone today. SHEESH. It seems the world shares my mood. oh great another wonderful song. I guess I'll pack my tears and go home now, I don't want this guy to see me cry.
"there's a somebody I'm longing to see.....I hope that he's.....someone to watch over me."
