'When you touch me baby it is torture. You brush up against me and send chills down my spine. Okay perfect stranger, don't you know I can't take looks like that without tears. I've gone past the places where I used to learn, but there are still echoes of angels at every turn.
All I do is hope for someone to put me together, while at the sametime hoping for them to leave me alone. With both at the same time ists really hard, always yearning, always wanting, never wanted. This is without a doubt the diary and someday soon may be the famous last words of a fool.
My biggest fear is ending up old and alone. The fear of being alone is enough to make anyone desperate, is that what I am? So afraid of it that I dont even trust my self, who knows.
I bought a card for him tonight. I wrote inside it at dinner, I cried. I don't know if he'll get it, I don't know if he'll read it if he does. I don't know a lot of things I guess. As a wonderful song for my perpetual mood come on the radio, there is one thing I do know. I know the meaning of being lonley. It's waking up crying at night, after you went to sleep in tears. It's slashes on rainbows, and bright yellow and opium-poppy-orange sunsets alone. It's a hurt little boy's exaggerated pout, and lone dinners and walks in the park, and beatiful fountains, with empty waterspouts. And it always ends with a sigh, I guess all good things do to.
Today, I was running late for work as usual, and the most amazing thing happened. I was trying to figure out the address to send the card that I had just bought, so I called the place where he used to work to ask the zip code. For some reason, the first thing I did was ask for him. They told me he didn;t work there anymore, but told me where he did work. I got the zip code, and called him.
It took so long for anyone to answer the phone, whne I finally did get a person, I asked to speak to him, and they asked me to hold on. I waited on the line for what seemed like an eternity. Then I heard his voice.
This person who I haven't had any contact with in over a year, was on the other end of the phone. All I could do was hold back the tears and ask him how he was. I think he knew who I was immediatly. It was shocking to actually be talking to him. I used to word dumbfounded later in a conversation to him, it didnt make sense then, but I guess it was really ture, because I couldn't think or concentrate on anything but him and the fact that I was really talking to him.
Without a doubt, we are different people right now, but I think we are both looking for the same things. I am hoping to see him in a few days, I don't know how I will handle that. I miss him so much, and yet, I'm so scared of seeing him. sigh....I am going to bed, I have to think. Hopefully, everything will seem clearer in the morning, it's just all so hazy in my mind right now. Good night everyone.
I was looking at some of his baby pictures last night that I had. Sigh, his eyes were beautiful even then. I'm just so afraid you know, that he isnt going to like me like he used to, or that things are going to be so different in our lives that we won't be able to be together. There are so many things going through my mind.
I even dreamt of him. Sigh, I don't know if I can take another let down of the grandure that this one will have, but I guess nothing ventured nothing gained. If I don't try, I can never know what might have been. This is ther person who has singularly affected my life more than anyone else, so I must give it the chance. I have to give myself the chance.....
