| "I gotta honest, I think you know, Im covered in lies and that's okay. Mr. Somwhere beyond this, I know but I hope I can find the words to say. Never again no, no never again. You're a god and I am not and I just thought that you would know - you're a god and I am not and I just thought I'd let you go. I've been unable to put you down, still learning things I ought to know by now. It's under the table so I need something more to show some how. Never again no, no never again you're a god and I am not and I just thought you would know you're a god and I am not and I just thought I'd let you go. I gotta be honese, I think you know Im covered in lies and that's okay. Mr. Somewhere beyond this, as they refer to me, I hope I can find the words to say. Things have gotten so screwed up over the past year. I have began so many wonderful relationships and met so many new friends. At the beginning, things were going great, I seemed to be balancing all the colors of my life properly. Then, around last October, all the colors fell into one bowl and formed the darkedst shade of black. I continued to thrive, and to make friends, but there was a new darkness to my life and I didn't recover from it, I don't know that I ever will. But at least I have begun to recognize and and learn to live with it. I've hurt a lot of people over the past few years, not knowing the power to love and to hurt that I had inside myself, and how to distinguish the difference between the two. Of all the friends that I have made, I've lost at least have as many to my own foolishness. Right now, I'm working on winning some of those back and creating new allies whose friendships that I will never destroy. |
| My Days.....page 45 |
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| June 11 , 2002 9:28pm C |
| Jan 21 , 2002 4:37am EDS |
| "I walk along these streets like so many boys walk alone. Just an echo that people see has no place to call his own. A shot rings out from a roof overhead a crackheard asks for change nearby. An old man lies in an alleyway dead, a little girl lost just stands there and cries. What would you do, if it was you? Would you take everything for granted like you do? Teens stand on the corner for sale, viens primed for another hit. Over population there's no room in jail and most of you don't give a shit that your daughters are porn stars and your sons sell death to kids. So lost in your little worlds - your little worlds you'll never feel. What would you do if it was you would you take everything for granted like you do. You turn away - you turned away. As I walk along these streets soaking up the acid rain underneath the taxi cabs I hear the streets cry out in vain. What would you do, if it was you? Would you take everything for granted like you do? So I've made it through another year. I'm so high right now that I'm not sure how I am typing these words. if I were to talk a word per minute test I would probably be going about 360 wpm. This is what my life has become. I live to provide. I intake to live to provide. It's a totally vicious cycle, once that there seems to be no way to break. I have gone through peopel and friends like water over the past few months not meaning to hurt anyone, but always doing so and hurting myself at the same time. It's his birthday again. I'll be in Chattanooga tonight, like I always am on this day of the year. Of course my nights are day and my days are nights. I only move and live at night now, it seems that has become my definition now, ever remaining the man in black. Darkheart, as someone once said. If they only knew. I don't know how much longer that I'm going to be here, where I live I mean. It all seems to be coming to a fast swirling end. I can only hope that it doesn't end abrubtly - |
| March 15 , 2002 2:24am EDS |
| "Your face is so unclear I try to pay attention but your words just dissappear. You're so beautiful inside and out that I find myself lost in you, unable to focus on a single conversation. But it's always raining in my head - forget all the things I should have said 'cause they're still in my head, I can't get them out, it's not my right you're with someone else, we're in two different worlds. It was just a kiss and nothing more even if it did open a door to me that doesn't mean that it did to you. So I speak to you in riddles 'cause my words get in my way. I smoked the whole thing to my hand and feel it wash away. 'Cause I can't take anymore of this I want to come apart and dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to hurt you, I'm tired of hurt. I just want to smile, to see you smile would make me happy. But it's always raining in my head, forget all the things I should have said. I am nothing more than a little boy inside that cries out for attention yet I always try to hide. 'Cause I talk to you like children though I don't know how I feel but I know I'll do the right thing 'cauise whatever I feel is real. But it's always raining in my heart - please forget all the things I should have said. That is really all that I'm going to elaborate on, he is such a mystery to me. I feel in love with him the first night I met him with Angel. I was so trashed and I thought he was someone else, but whatever I thought he was, I knew it was beautiful. I later found out that he was "str8" but those glass panes have been shattered with a kiss as of late leaving me not knowing. Time will tell I suppose. On a better note, I am slowly but surely getting my life back on track, pride is this up coming weekend. SMILES ;0) |
| June 25, 2002 8:35pm C |
| "To my mother, to my father, It's your son or it's your daughter are my screams loud enough for you to hear me shoudl I turn this up for you, I siut here locked inside my head remembering everything you said the silence gets us no where way to fast the silence is what kills me - I need someone here to help me. But you don't know how to listen sand the dean make my decision I sit here locked inside my head remembering everyhting you said the silence gets us no where way to fast. Your insults and your curses make me feel like I'm not a person and I feel like I am nothing - but you make me, so do something. 'Cause I'm fucked up because you were. I need attention Attention you got and give so I sit here locked inside my head remembering everyhitng you said the silence gets us no where way to fast. " And you bring me to my knees all the times and I could beg you pleas all the times that I felt incecusre for you and I leave my burdens out the door and Im oin the outdies Im looking in I can see through you see your true colors cause inside you're ugly your uglky like me I can see through you see who the real you is. All the times that I felt like this won't end - it's for you. "And I tasted what I could never have - it was from you." All the times that I've cried my intentions were full of love what a waste it's empty anyway. It's all inside and I dream all this pain and stuffed it down but its back again and I lie here in bed all alone I can't mend what I feel maybe tomorrow it'll be okay. But I'm on the outside and I'm looking in. I can see through you." "And I tasted what I could never have - it was from you." I can't explain how I feel. I've been there manytimes before. I'm tasting the cold steel of my life crashing down before me. But these words can't replace the lives we wast can they. I'm not sure what it is about this Ide's of march but something makes me know that sometime in the near future I am going to meet that crashing end that I kept referring to before, no silly I don't mean that, just an end to one phase and the beginning of another in my lirfe. The problem is that transitions are hardly ever comfortable. And I am worried about this one. Alas, |
"It's been a while since I could hold my head up high. And it's been a while since I first saw you. It's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again and its been awhile since I could call you. And everyhing I can remember as fucked up as it all may seem - the consequences that are rendered: I stretched myself beyond my means. And I cannot blame this on my mother and father, they were the best that they could be. It's been a while since I could say that I wasn't addicted and it's been a while since I could say I loved myself as weel as. It's been a while since Ive gone and fuicked things up like I always do and its been a while but all that shit seems to dissappear with I'm with you. "It's been a while since I could look at myself straight and its been a while since I said aIm sorry and its been a while since Ive seen the candles light your face and its been a while but I can still remember just the way you taste. |
