| My Days.....page 53 |
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| July 07 , 2004 10:15pm CS |
| "You looking gentle, waiting for his attention, feeling the same. But I don't understand. How long can you live loving furtively? Very hard to hide your behavior. very hard to hide my suffering, very, very, very very indecent wish. Boy gay, boy gay, be more cheeky with me, don't get red from the shame, boy gay, boy gay. Put it on your friends - boy gay, boy gay from me. Boy gay, boy gay. Tear strangle, toughts make life more difficult. Hard to listen, No I don't understand. Yes, I know all your secrets. How do you handle solid objects? Also know this is hopeless but I dream-conceal-conceal-conceal. As we speak, I am talking to a very drunk Zac on the phone which is really cool. I am actually getting to know him better than I normally would a person if they were sober. He is being brutally honest. Although, calling randomly at 12am was a little strange, but since he's drunk, shrugs, I guess it's okay. He is really a silly boy, but I like him. Geez we have been talking for close to 2 hours now... Okay, off the phone with him (its now 2:20 by the way, sheesh) So I went out with Michael tonight, we saw the Village, which is a rather good movie, but not at all what I expected. Afterward, Michael and I parked and made out for a while then moved to the back of the Blazer, (with very innocent intentions on my part I assure you,) and we made out some more. Then he did a very strange thing. He made me take my shoes of and humped my feet, which I wasn's how to take. I guess we all have some strange things about us. I've never really had any experiences with anyone with any fetishes. Shrugs. That will be something I'll remember I suppose, though I don't think I want to be reminded of it any time soon. Anyway, I'm tired now and Im going to bed, nite. |
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| "Do you think they know how each passing minute is to you? The mind's way of dividing eternity, which is in itself pointless when each new segment is as empy and void as its predecessor? Do you think they are away of the agony you torment your mind with as you wrestle the burden of failure and yet cannot pinpoint where you failed? Do you thihnk they truly feel some of the pain as your heart slowly rips itself from your soul and begs to be trodden underfoot, simply to dull the ache, or at least the senses, because at least then you wouldn't feel the pain as much. Do you think they grast the concept of how lonley it can be at a time suc as this..... especially when you look around and you are truly alone? Do you think they would welcome you into their worlds if they knew how desperatly cold and weary you were, but didn't approach for fear of how they might shame you, or worse yet, think you are weak and pathetic? Do you think they know that tonight you will cry yourself to sleep, praying, begging for the slumber to wash away all the days tides brought in. (I found this written on a paper in my car, I'm not sure who wrote it but I thought it was interesting) So I went to the doctor today, I remembered why I didn't like going to doctors, it's not the doctor, it's the waiting room. You have to sit there with all these sick people, and if you weren't sick in the first place, witch probably isn't the case or you wouldn't have been at the doctor's office anyway, but anyway, if you wern't sick in the first place you would surely be after you left there. Plus, there is always this one old lady sitting near you who can't seem to shup up. She wants to tell you about her bridge game, or her grand daughter that she just seems to think you would be perfect for. (she really has not clue) Anyway, so la, la, la, I just finished watching west wing on bravo and I have to interject a quote from a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy commerical: "these kids are really looking up to you, What if he asks you where polyester comes from and you don't know?" Sorry, that just seemed cute to me. Anyway, I guess I am not really saying anything in this entry either. SO I'm gonna go watch Star Trek Voyager... lates. |
| July 09 , 2004 9:00pm CS |
| July 11 , 2004 9:27pm CS |
| "Danke Schoen, Darling, Danke Schoen. Thank you for all the joy and pain. Picture shows, second balcony, was the place we'd meet, Second seat, go dutch treat, you were sweet. Danke Schoen, Darling, Danke Schoen. Save those lies, Darling don't explain. I recall, Central Park in fall. How you tore your dress, what a mess, I confess, That's not all. Danke Schoen, Darling, Danke Schoen. Thank you for walks down Lover's lane. I can see, hearts carved on a tree, Letters inter-twined, for all time, your's and mine, that was fine. Danke Schoen, Darling, Danke Schoen. Thank you for seeing me again. Though we go on ou seperate ways, still the memory stays, for always, my hearts says, Danke Schoen. Danke Schoen, Auf Wiedersehn, Danke Schoen. Yesterday, I watched the Oprah show with mom. That's not something that I watch very often, but it was interesting enough to make me cry several times yesterday. You can take a look at what happened on the show by clicking here. Anyway, the first guest was a woman who'se ex-husband had killed her four children. Two of the most adorable boys on the face of the earth, one of the cutest little girls, and a beautiful young woman. Oprah read this opening as the show began, "Christine McFadden was a successful veterinarian and mother of four children. Her oldest daughter, Melanie, was a ballet dancer, her sons Stanley, and Stuart were both star [soccer] athletes, and five-year-old Michelle had dream of becoming a veterinarian like her mother. Nothing could have prepared Christine for the tragic evens that unfolded on the morning of March 26, 2002. As she returned from here daily morning walk, she saw her ex-husband's vehicle parked in the diveway. Upon entering the home, Christine was horrified to find Melanie lifeless on the floow. An hour earlier, her ex-husband John Hogan killed all four of her children before turning the gun on himself." If you saw this show you will understand how I see this as one of the most profound shows that I've ever seen. The theme of the show or the title if you will, was, "The worst day of your life." Oprag was trying to get everyone to reflect on the worst day's of their lives in comparison to the worst days of these ladies' lives. I think there were four guests who had all either had all or most of their children murdered, or hurt very badly. In reflection, I tried to think of the worst day of my life, and I just couldn't. There was nothing that has ever happened to me or anyone that I know personally, that could ever compare to what happened to these people. I can not even begin to imagine the loss that Christine McFadden, for instance felt. Looking at pictures of her children, I can see the memories of those children throgh their eyes. And don't get me wrong, I know quite well what it is too lose someone that you care about, I've had more than my share of family deaths and tragedys, but nothing that could compare to this. I guess what I'm getting at is, how dare we think that our lives are so bad. How dare we think that there is something that has happened to us, or to me as it is, that could ever compare to what has happened to these women and their families. For me, it makes me want to work harder at everything in my life, I hope it does the same thing for you as well... |
| July 13 , 2004 11:54pm CS |
| "Read a book, it makes your life more interesting, or at least it seems that way..." My Dad and I have been working on putting down hardwood flooring all day long, which really isn't so hard if my Father just had more patience. He gets all out of sorts when things don't go according to his timetable, which is always unreasonable. Not sure what has got into him with this new do-it-your-self home-improvement gig, but oh well. Helping him is not all that bad I suppose. Anyway, so we worked most of the day pulling of the old carpet and pad, and scraping up the "glued down" padding from 1978, which was absolutly ridiculous. It had been there so long that most of it had rotted and turned into a fine black dust, which we have been breathing in for years. No wonder everyone has so many allegerys. So anyway, around 6pm we stopped working, after getting the first few rows of hardwood down in the hallway, and my Mom and I went to a movie. You would have to know my family to understand how that hardly ever happens. I guess my parents are usually just too busy to go out, plus the fact that I think we all have a hint of social anexiety, either that or we just hate everyone. Anyway, we say the Bourne Supremacy which is actually a really good movie, though nothing like the book, the constrast between the two was rather disappointing, but what'cha gonna do you know? There was way too many boys at the theatre who I wanted to put in my trunk and smuggle into my bedroom, their will be damned, but I had my mother with me, so I couldn't do that. What a pity. Anyway, I'm watching the movie again on my computer as I type, so I guess I should go finish it up and get some sleep I have to work on the rest of the flooring tomorrow with my Dad, uggh. So good night everyone.... n |
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| July 18 , 2004 10:00pm CS |
| "It was a monday when my lover told me, never pay the reaper with love only. What could I say to you except I love you and I'd give my life for yours. I know we are we, are the lucky ones dear... THe first time we made love I wasn't sober, and you told me you lvoed me over and over, how could I ever love another, I miss you every day. Remember the time we made love in the movies and you took my picture in all sorts of poses " I went to the dentist today, yay! Uggh, it wasn't so bad I guess, no cavities for me :-) Then I came home and watched tennis all afternoon. The olympics are cool sometimes I guess, even if they do keep me from watching days of our lives, which is annoying. Watching tennis made me remeber one of my first boyfriends. His name was nick. He's just finished medical school I think, I assume he is working in memphis. Anyway, he used to LOVE tennis. I met him online on IRC and his nick there was NP10S :-) I went to his parents house in Jackson just before he graduated from undergrad. Anyway, I miss hearing from him. Right now, I am chatting with a guy I met on gay.com named johnny. He seems a little depressed, but at the same time, he seems like a really nice guy. I hope to get to know him better in the future. Anyway, I have to go back to chatting now and watching westwing. :-) |
| July 19 , 2004 7:45am CS |
| "Thug holiday, go ahead you can cry, it's all right baby. Everything gonna get greater later, that's right. This the time when we take out to remember all the loved ones we lost in the struggle you mnow, I dedicate this to my brother Jayson, Lil Mikey, and Pete, My dog David Harden and lil Tink. I dedicate this to the struggle, Everybody in the county jail, state penn, and the fed, check it out. If it wern't for bad luck, hell I guess I wouldn't have none, but when I think about it, what would I be without my gun, hwo could I get away from the popos if I couldn't run. And why was I given a daughter when I always prayed for a son. Life is crazy ain't it. sometimes I even thing the same thing. I've been waiting on freedom to ring, hell, but ain't a thing changed. I lost my brother in the struggle, and many lost their mothers, and I'm thinking if I loose mine whose gonna raise my brother. Not to be a thug, stay in school, and don't use drugs. Who'll teach him right from wrong and show them boys true love. SO I proay for the better days, but remember the loss and the run-aways, and I put my guns away and I pray for peace on sundays, it's crazy ain't it Just like the soldiers, that ain't coming home this year, just like the fellas, in prison, we miss you so much for real. What about the childres, who ran away, that ain't coming home today, well here's a message from coast to coast - 'Cause when them thugs really need it the most, a thug holiday. If it wasn't for all these killings and all these conflicts of religion, see the Musims, Jews, and Christians but you know they all God's children. There's only one him, plus ain't none of ya'll confronting him, So blind in our own minds we wouldn't even know God if we was in front of him. I read your books know all your remixes to the Bible. What about a verse for the thugs curved for drugs and survival. Let's add some chapters named for Martin, Malcolm, and Farrakhan, In all my history books, the only ones died was the Americans. And let's point 'em out who's responsible for Vietnam? And hold on there's more, we had two world wars. And how come the [congress] make more than the teachers is making, when they the ones raising all the taxes and got us fighting for education. If is crazy ain't it? So many tears, throughout the years, Somebody tell me what's going on, and so many lies, but only God knows, about the pain deep inside. It gets so hard, you got to keep your head up, I know you're fed up, But stay strong, Here's a message from coast to coast, Cause when them thugs really need it the most, thug holiday." I had some crazy dreams last night... I guess that's why I woke up so early this morning without reason. Thug Holiday by trick daddy (lyrics above) was playing on my computer when I sat strait up in bed from a dream. I was dreaming of how things used to be in Atlanta. (smile) I lived like a "thug" for two years. There was nothing more important than the game, and getting ahead you know. Though I was always behind, but not as far as most I think. When you are on drugs, your memories are hazy you know, but I remember a lot clearly. I remember matt, and scottie, jason, and Jayson and angel.... Marissa and Walker, James and Butterfly, david and Rachael, Sigh - I really miss them sometimes, but it was time for me to leave. That doesn't mean that I can't think of them from time to time and remember how things used to be. All the time I want to go back, but I know if I do, even for a moment, I'll be right back in the game, and I can't do that.... I can dream I guess. I know most people think I'm crazy for missing something like that. I mean I really did live on the streets at times. But it didn't matter, I was free you know. Now, so many of the people that I mentioned above are in jail, or worse, in areas of their lives that are just like a jail. And then there's me. I finally knew when it was time to go... I think I learned more lessons in Altanta than I could ever learn in a classroom. Hitting rock bottom, losing everyhing that I ever had, taught me to appreciate what I got. I just hope that I never forget that lesson, and maybe that others learn from me too. I think that given the chance I would do everything that I did again, because without it, I wouldn't be who I am today. smiles, have a good day... |
