| My Days.....page 54 |
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| August 20 , 2004 10:18am CS |
| "Simplicity, carried to an extreme, becomes elegance. - Marco Realmonte" Okay I am watching West Wing (as usual) I think that if I someone was checking, they would think that I watched way too much West Wing, but that's okay. My dogs are really annoying, they pestered me until I let them out in the rain, they played for like 10 minutes then came back to the door drenched. GRR, I had to dry them off and get wet myself. Did I say, GRR? I keep seeing this commercial for one of those phone chat services, and the woman that is on it look just like Carl, it's erie, except I think Carl had bigger hips, but that's okay, that was a good thing :-) I used to call them birthing hips :-) I miss him. Alas, I have to go do stuff. Have a good day everyone. |
| August 21 , 2004 3:10pm CS |
I just got home from Georgia with my Mom and Dad. We went to pick up my nephew Cooper :-) He is staying with us for a week while my sister and her husband are going to the Dominican Republic. They are going to a resort city on the North Coast called Punta Cana. She really has lost her mind, she is so intent that she is gonna die while she has gone, that she notarized a letter saying that she wants my parents to raise her children. To have a doctorate, my sister really is ditzy. Oh well. So, la la. I start classes on August 30, which is a little more than a week away. It's been a long time since I've been in school, like 2 years I think. I guess I'm looking forward to it, but it's kind of scary at the same time. So I've ordered most of my books from Ebay thus far and thats cool, 'cause they are much more expensive from the bookstore. I just realized how boring my life has become. Sigh, I guess boring isn't always a bad thing. I just always want more you know, not really materialisticly, just more in general. I guess I'm just feeling kinda lonley. But you know how that goes, I just have to wait I guess, and I've accepted that. It's just no fun. Well, l8r everyone... Nic. |
| Sep 05 , 2004 2:00am CS |
| "Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? You've been out riding fences for so long now. Oh, you're a hard one, I know that you got your reasons, but these things that are pleasing you, can hurt you somehow. Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy, she'll beat you if she's able. You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet. Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can't get. Desperado, oh you ain't gettin' no younger, your pain and your hunger, they're driving you home. And freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talkin', your prison is walking through this world all alone. Do you your feet get cold in the winter time, the sky won't snow and the sun won't shine. It's hard to tell the night time from the day. You're loosing all your highs and lows, Ain't it funny how the feeliug goes away. Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be raining, but there's a rainbow about you, you better let somebody love you, before it's too late. I really like that song. Alas, I don't think it's so true. Especially the part about the queen of hearts. She hasn't ever done anything for me. Though, I often feel like my prison really walking though this world all alone. SO - lots of things have been going on since I last made an entry. The arts and crafts fair was in Beersheba Springs the last weekend in August, which is pretty much the biggest event that exists in this "one horse town" My mom is on the committee that planes it so I am always pretty envolved. All the money they makes goes to local charities, so that's pretty cool. Anyway, so I started school the following monday in chattanooga. I am actually really enjoying it so far. I've been there 2 weeks now and I'm an SGA officer which is equally cool. My classes aren't that bad. I tried to take a pretty easy courseload for my first semester back to school. I have been seeing this guy latley named Grant. I met him at walmart when I was gracery shopping with my dad, (not the best time) he was out cashier and he gave me his number right there in front of my dad. Not sure how he took that, but it was better than expected. We went out a few times, mostly jsut spending time with his friends, we have never really had much alone time. Though there was some semblence of it when we were in his bed room with his friend asleep beside us. He's 19 and he seems pretty cool, though a little hyper active. He kept telling me that I treat him like he's always wanted to be treated. Though, that must not have matter too much to him, because he jsut told me that he "had some fun" with some guy that he had known for a long time tonight, and that he didn't know if we should date anymore, because he wasn't sure what he wanted. I guess that I should have expected that, and in many ways, I did. He is too young to be mature enough to want a real relationship, and I don't find fault with him for that. I also respect the fact that he told me about it right after it happened, and stopped things from going further. So kudos for him I guess, though that's another strike against me and the pathetic track record that I have for picking guys who never seem to want the same things that I do at the same time. So I guess it's time to ride some more fences, and I really have my reasons. It was exactly those reasons that stopped me from dating in the first place. But I'm not bitter about it, I don't want to give the wrong impression, I just don't have time in my life for the drama of a relationship, as much as I may yurn for one. But Come what may you know. On another note, I told my cousin amanda that I'm gay tonight, she already knew of course, grr. Wesley, her old boyfriend, told her. Of course he is gay too now, the entire world is gay, grr. She didn't seem to mind, though I expect a lot of questions from her in the near future. I told her not to tell her mom, because I didnt want to upset anyone, but I think she'll have to tell someone. There's just not enough going on around here for her not to want to talk about something like that. I don't really care though. Aside from all that, Lorrie has lost her freakin' mind. She has been living with a cop in Grutli for like 2 months now and I am really not sure what to think about this situation. They are talking about getting married and everything. Which, I mean, he is a nice guy, and I really like him. I think they are a good couple, but marriage is a big step this soon. But I voiced my opinion, which was irrevelant, I'm sure. I just hope things work out for them, they have to for someone anyway. So alas, I think it's time for me to fade away into dreamland. Top of the mourning to you... "I don't know if I've ever been good enough, I'm a little bit rusty and I think my head is caving in. And I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me, and I feel like something's gonna give and I'm a little bit angry, well this ain't over..." |
| aside... This entry was written an hour or so after I got back from James and lorrie's house in grutli. I actually got to have a one on one conversation with james for the first time. He really does seem like a nice, well grounded guy. As I was about to write the entry is when Grant messaged me with his "new information." I guess it depressed me a little, but I refure to let it change my outlook. I will continue to be happy damn it. All I know is, i'm such too young to feel this damned old. |
| Sep 05 , 2004 6:34pm CS |
| "Oh Life, is bigger, it's bigger than you, and you are not me. The lengths that I will go to, the distance in your eyes. Oh no I've said too much, I set it up. That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion, trying to keep up with you, and I don't know if I can do it, oh no I've said to much, I haven't said enough. I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing. I think I thought I saw you try. Every whisper of every waking hour, I'm choosing my confessions. Trying to keep an eye on you like a hurt lost and blinded fool. Oh no I've said too much, I set it up... Consider this, consider this, the hint of the centruy, consider this the slip, it brought me to my knees, failed. What if all the fantasies come flailing around, now I've really said too much. I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing. I think I thought I heard you cry. But that was just a dream, that was just a dream, to Try, Cry, Fly, Try... That was just a dream." There's something to be said for realism these days, or rather the lack there of. But I guess I shouldn't wish for people to be more real, because sometimes it's the parts of their personality that are edited from the public persona that are so intriguing. Please raise your hand if you have any clue what I'm talking about..... oh well. My parents had a birthday recently, yesterday and the day before actually. We went to Red Lobster in murfreesboro to celebrate it. Mine is in a week or so. If nobody likes you when you're 23, I can hardly imagine numbers above that. I am really annoyed because I can't find the Aldo shoes that I want anywhere. I suppose that mean nothing to anyone but me, but I had to write it anyway. Mark called yesterday wanting me to go to atlanta with he and mark to botcon, as wonderful as it sounded, I opted out this time. I miss atlata, but Kathy is in Florida this weekend, and there's really no one there other than Ed that I feel safe seeing at this point. The highlight of my day, other than the wonderful maine lobster tail, seems to have been adding a new wireless mouse to my computer. Pathetic huh? Have a good evening everyone... |
| aside... Lorrie is at some silly cookout with her man, and since she annoys me the least out of the masses, I refuse to leave the house today in protest. So there... |
| Sep 06 , 2004 12:10am CS |
| "When I said I love you... You blew me off, you turned me on. All or nothing, more or less. Insult me ruthlessly, oh you're the best. You don't understand you see, you're not supposed to tickle me, you don't understand you see, that's just how it's gotta' be. If you ignore me you get my respect, when you turn to hug me I like you less... What are you doin', calling me on the phone, saying won't you come back, Would you leave me alone! Oh you don't understand you see, you not supposed to tickle me, you don't understand you see, that's just how it's gotta be..." I'm desperate for change. It would be more than awesome to foget all I'm lacking, I'm completly incomplete. But hell isn't everyone. I knew that this moment, would come in time, again. A moment when I felt myself swirling downward again. Each time that I start something new, or when something new doesn't out, school, boys, whatever. It seems like there's this force pulling me back into a world where I should do nothing to better myself. Each time I hope that this will be the last time that I watch myself cry for no good reason. I'm just praying for whatever it's worth, that I'll make it this time, just like I have all the other times. But you know, one person only has a limited number of chances while we're here. I think I've had more than most. I just don't want to screw this one up. I talked to a guy from Florida tonight, he was staying with his parents in chattanooga during the hurricanes in Florida. Not sure what school he went to. But it was cool to talk to someonw with a little less rules. *grin* I think it's time for me to bind my emotions in many respects, 'cause I can't afford to get lost in them again. I've traveled too many roads of mistakes in my past to get where I am now, and I can't turn back, as cliche as that sounds. I think it's time for me to get some sleep, so, adieu. |
| aside... I was referring to my life situation in this entry, not a relationship. Just that I couldn't afford to screw up this time. I think I'll refer to it as my chattanooga chance... As far as relationships go, I'm still waiting for someday... |
| Sept 12 , 2004 1:49am CS |
| "I woke up early with a pounding in my head, I'd been out the night before with all my friends. A little worried, kinda wondering what I did. I said lord please forgive me for my sins. She wanted to kill me but she tried to save me first "you're goin' if I have to drag your butt to church." I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life... I read the hymns and kinda sorta sang along, and made it through the sunday sermon wide awake. we met the family for dinner at our home, drank some beer, watched a game and cooked some steaks. My little brother had a big fight with his wife. And my poor mother sat between 'em all night long. I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life. I laid in bed that night and though about the day. And how my life is like a roller coaster ride. The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way. It'll throw you of if you don't hold on tight. You can't really smile until you shed some tears, I could die today or I might live on for years. I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes more than magic, awful beautiful life. needless to day my life really is like a roller coaster. But not one that you didn't to get one, but rather an awsome ride that scares you half to death and keeps you running back "just one more time..." I went out with grant again tonight. I actually had a lot of fun, It was just another chance to get to know him better. We hung out for a few hours and his friend shelly's house where he smoked pot for the first time. Silly boy. Not a lot, but it was enough to get him stoned off his ass. So the next couple of hours was spent babysitting, which I could not have enjoyed more. I'm not sure if he will do it again, but I guess you have to try everything once. either way, it gave me the chance to see him with no inhibitions whatsoever, which was invigorating. It's just cool to look back on my life, you know. I have no idea how I have juggled all the things that I have in the past. But I'm really enjoying the time now. Lorrie is another story. She was supposed to come over and eat tonight with her boyfriend. but for some strange reason, somewhere between monteagle and here she got either lost or side tracked. Oh well, fuq her, :-) I am actually really happy for her. I've never seen her light up the way she does when she is around or even talks about him. It is so awesome to see them together. He absolutly worships her and she doesn't quite know what to think about it, she's being truly spoiled for the first time in her life, and I really think she loves him. sigh, a ping of jealousy rises inside me when I see them together. But it's masked by my admiration I think :-) Anyway, Imma go to bed. good night... |
| Sept 18 , 2004 8:23am CS |
| Happy Birthday to me!!! I hate being old... |
