| My Days.....page 52 |
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| July 11 , 2004 10:15pm CS |
| "I feel your finger brusing my shoulder, your tempting touch as it tingles my spine. Watching your arms as they invade my soul - forbidden pleasures I'm afraid to make mine. At the touch of your hand, at the sound of your voice, at the moment your eyes meet mine. I am out of my mind, I am out of control, full of feelings I can't define. It's a sin with no name, it's a tiger to tame, and my senses proclaim, 'It's a dangerous game.' A darker dream that has no ending, something unreal that you want to be true. A strange romance, and yet a mystery tale - the frightened Prince doesn't know what to do. Does he just run away? Does he risk it and stay. Either way there's no way to win. All I know is I'm lost and I'm counting the cost, my emotions are in a spin. And though no ones to blame it's a crime and a shame but it's true all the same it's a dangerous game. Am I out of my mine? I am out of control, full of feelings I can't define. It's a sin with no name, like a tiger to tame, and though no one's to blame, it's a crime and a shame and the Angels proclaim, 'It's a dangerous game' I't's kind of cool that no one but me really knows what I mean by those quotes like the one above. Though years from now when I'm reading this I'll have no idea either I suppose. I've been quite contrite today, focused on the past as I always seem to vere back to, with no end in site. I'm so lost in the past and the things that I've done sometmes that I have no idea what's going on around me. I don;t suppose that is always a bad thing, however, it isn't such a good idea. Sometimes I just want to run away, but where would I go you know. Where ever you go, there you are. If my eyes could clearly convey all the feelings that I have inside thoughout the day, I have no doubt that everyone's eyes who met mine would fill with tears in only minutes afterward. Lorrie called just as I was about to go to bed tonight and I had to go and pay for a locksmith to get her keys out of her car. She is so like me. While I was on sebatical (thats how I refer to the drug enduced haze that was 2 years or so of my life) I used to lock my keys out of my car constantly. If it hadn't been for my friend Tracy and her millionaire, quadriplegic boyfriend Jay and their triple A I would never have survived. I ran out of gas so many times that it wasn't even funny, sometimes with thousands of dollars in my pocket, sometimes without a dime. Anyway, enough looking back. I'm going to bed. G'nite.... |
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| July 13 , 2004 10:02pm CS |
| "Mama, Papa Forgive me..." "Out of sight, out of mind, Out of time to decide. Do We Run? Should I hide? For the rest of my life. Can we fly? Do I stay? We could lose, we could fail. In the moment it takes to make plans or mistakes. 30 minutes, a blink of an eye, 30 minutes to alter out lives. 30 minutes to make up my mind, 30 minutes to finally decide. 30 minutes to wisper your name. 30 Minutes to shoulder the blame. 30 Minutes of bliss, 30 Lies, 30 minutes to finally decide. Carousels in the sky, that we shape with our eyes. Under shade silhouettes, Casting shade, Crying rain. Can we fly? Do I stay? We could lose, I could fail. Either way - options change, chances fail, trains derail. 30 minutes, a blink of an eye, 30 minutes to alter out lives. 30 minutes to make up mny mind, 30 minutes to finally decide. 30 minutes to wisper your name, 30minutes to shoulder the blame. 30 Minutes of bliss, 30 Lies. 30 Minutes to finally decide..." 'Some place where no one calls us wrong' Does such a place really exist? I seriously doubt it. I'm not sure how we ever got this far, but I'm just as sure that it shouldn't have to be this hard. I got an email from megan moody today. Though I'm sure no one knows what that is, Jeremy Hayes, who used to be my roomate before and during the sebatical, Megan is his girlfriend. They have a beautiful daughter named Cyndi, named after Jeremy's late sister. I would put a picture on here, but after the reformat I think I lost the ones that I had. Sigh, I wish that I hadn't hurt Jeremy as badly as I must have. Neither megan or Jeremy are very happy with me. Jeremy and I used to be as close a brothers, I would have been proud to have had a brother like him. Alas, that was before. I guess we all learn from out mistakes, at least we should. I hope that I learn from that one. I think I knew better the entire time, but the things that addicts do are never to be understood. In other news, my father is having a procedure done in a few days to see if he needs new work done on his heart. He's gonna be part of a study of a new diagnostic imaging technicque, some sort of High tech MRI that will take the place of an arteriorgram (spelling?) But they are doing the procedure free of charge at St. Thomas Hospital and putting him in the Hilton Suites in Brentwood for a couple of days for his trouble. So that's cool I guess. Anyway, I guess it's time to sleep. g'nite. N- |
| "If only could put away childish things, if only it were possible. To grow old is to grow weak. The challenge is to continue to live as if you'll never die, while living every moment like you'll die tomorrow..." The life I've left behind me is a cold one sometimes, where every step I took in faith betrayed me. I seem to be meandering through my life as though I've never faltered. But we all know that is far from the truth. I came upon someone online tonight who perplexed me. That is something thats not easily done. He knew a lot of personal information about that I am always very protective with. It was quite obvious that he knew me well, or had known me well at some point. But he wasn't giving me any clue as to who he was. But he did... I'm not sure what finally made me catch on but I think that Patrick is a name that I haven't let cross my lips in a while. He was a reluctant boy who I met on the yahoo personals around 1998. I talked him into meeting me a couple of times, but he stood me up (I waited at shoney's for 2 hours one night and he still swears I told him the wrong place, grrr) We used to be together in my dorm room at MTSU. If I'm not mistaken, and I seldom am, I took his virginity in that same dorm room. Either way, if that wasn't him that I was talking too, I've had a random memory which was awesome, and if it was, I guess he would love the fact that I wrote about it here, grin. Anyway, g'nite to the masses. |
| July 15 , 2004 1:21am CS |
| August 04 , 2004 9:17pm CS |
| "Dancy was a deacon, every Sunday you'd find him there, at a lighthouse hospel church with his hands folded in prayer. And standing right beside him was his pretty hometown bride. But no one could have guessed what he was praying deep inside. Dancy has a demon living somewhere in his past. A dark haired cajun angel was the devil dressed in black. Was it really voodoo, or just weakness in the man? The only time he ever failed was when that boy took his hand. Oh it's been so long but it's still so strong; Every night the devil comes and walks through Dancy's dream. He takes him by the hand and leads him back to New Orleans. The good man's goin' crazy somewhere in between, the hymns on Sunday morning, and the sins in Dancy's dream. Sometimes it's almost like he was never even there. And other times, he swears, he smells the flowers in his hair. He never told the secret: no one would understand. That boy's the only one who's seen the dark side of that man. Oh, it's been so long but it's still so strong; Every night the devil comes and walks through Dancy's dreams. He takes him by the hand and leads him back to New Orleans. That good man's goin' crazy somewhere in between, the hymns on sunday morning, and the sins in Dancy's Dream... The battle has always raged between good and evil, just as it still does with each of our lives every day. Every single action you take can have either one of two effects on the world around you. It can help, or hurt. I don't quite no what to belive about creationism, but I do know that there surely must be more to the universe than mankind. At the same time, I wonder if it was possibile that we could be the most awesome creation of a devine presence, because in my opinion people aren't so awesome. I think that each of us should take a long look at each action that we lend ourselves to. Knowing that the world is all about the sensitive dependence on initial conditions, doesn't really help if you can't understand that, I guess. More simply stated, or perhaps not, it's like an apparent lack of order in a system that nevertheless obeys particular laws or rules. hrm, I think I lost you all with that one, and perhaps I lost myself as well. But all I'm trying to say is a simple act of kindness lasts forever and multiplies, while an act in defense of negativity, ceases the existance of of joy. Alas, I think I have to move on before I confuse myself. In closing on that subject, NO ONE, can take away my joy. It's the one true thing that I have found that will always be there for me. I try not to think about what might have been, you know, we've all taken different roads and we can't go back again no matter how much we'd like to. And though a boy with the bluest eyes in Texas might make me smile awhile, it won't sustain my existance any longer than the sadness over loosing him would. So I'm back to the one true act... Let's leave it at this. Just do something nice for someone, and it will bounce around all over the world and you can know in your heart that you made someone smile today. I met a guy yesterday named Michael. :-) Like we needed more of those in the world. He actually seems like a really nice guy, a little red neck breed, but that's okay, I need a little variety in my life anyway, grin. So it's kinda cool to have new feelings for someone, it's been a while. Ya never know I guess. I'm starting school at the end of the month in Chattanooga. I'm not sure how that will turn out to effect my psyche, but we'll see I guess. Alas, once more into the breech dear friends, I'm tired of typing, so good night. |
