| My Days.....page 55 |
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| Sept 28 , 2004 7:42pm ES |
| I honestly don't think I can remember when I have felt more relaxed and at peace with things. It's amazing really. I don't think it was any one thing, but rather the combination of everything. A mindset change perhaps. For me to be this happy is really odd. I think content would be a better word. I spent the weekend in Townsend, TN, in the Smokey Mountains near Pigeon Forge. I went weith the student government association at my school on a leadership retreat. We stated in an awesome Inn called the Tusceluchee Inn or something like that. Three catered meals a day and it was really pretty good food. It was cool to spent some time with friends that I've made there in the past feww weeks and it was great to make more diring the past weekend. We were a really diverse group of people, but it was more than amazing how well we all clicked together. There were only a few conflicts, as there will be with any large group of people, but mostly it just seemed like a bunch of friends hanging out and having a good time. What was even better was the feeling I had when I left, its a huge part of what led to this total relaxation that I feel right now. On a different note, I'm doing really well in school right now. I guess that happens when you study like you're supposed to. I talked to my sister last night for a while. She seems to get busier and busier as her boys get older. Perry is starting soccer this year, he's only three bui I guess there's an early leagure where they learn to kick the ball around or something. She sent over some pictures of him playing soccer that I can't seem to find at the moment. They are getting older so fast. I feel old myself just saying that , because I've heard my parents say it so often over the years. But oh well. I am beginning to think that getting older is not such a bad thing. In contrast, it seems that when my life is in balance, there's someone around me that seems to be barely hanging on. I made mention of Lorrie and how happy she was in an earlier entry. WEll, that has come to a screeching halt. The guy that she was so madly in love with, has apparently been cheating on her the entire time. He told her that he was divorced, but it turns out he never was, they were just seperated. And even while Lorrie was living he was seeing his wife as well. Or at least, that's how it looks. I'm not quite sure what to think about that situation. I spent quite a bit of time with them, and he seemed so sincere. I guess it's just another example of how people can be just the opposite from what you think they are. As I type I am sitting on the walnut street bridge in Chattanooga. As usual for this time of year, the weather is great and the view is amazing from here. I'm going to bring my camera down here in a couple of days and get some shots so everyone can see what it is that interests me here. Oddly enough, this is one of the few times that I've come here without being upset or crying about something. In the past, I've used it as a place of solace, though at the moment, my mind continues to be totally at rest. Alas, I guess I need to drive home. Have a good evening everyone... N. |
| Nov 20 , 2004 12:35pm E |
| "Memories conume like opening the wound, I'm picking me apart again, You all assume, I'm here safe in my room (unless I try to start again) I don't want to be the one the battles always choose cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused. I don't know whats worth fighting for or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright. So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit tonight. " It's amazing the way things change. I'm at school at the moment, sitting in the Ampitheathre on campus working from a laptop on some home work. Isn't technology grand. You can see where I am by clicking here for an interactive tour, just click back when you're done. Alas, I have to go... Don't be a stranger! Lates, N. |
| Dec 02 , 2004 11:35am C |
| "Somewhere there's a stolen halo, I used to watch him wear it well. Everything would shine whereever he would go. But looking at him now you'd never tell. Someone ran away with his innocence, a memory he can't get out of his head. I can only imagine what he feels when he is praying, kneeling on the edge of his bed. And he says take me away, and take me farther. Surround me now and hold me like holy water. He wants someone to call him Angel, someone to put the light back in his eyes. He's looking through the faces, the unfamiliar places, he needs someone to hear him when he crys. He jsut needs a little help, to wash away the pain he's felt. He wants to feel the healing hands of someone who understands... And he says take me away and take me farther. Surround me now, and hold, hold, hold me like holy water." Okay, it's thrusday and I am being a slacker. There are lots of things I should be doing today, and none of them include playing on the internet and listening to madonna. But, that's what I'm doing anyway.? I guess I'm feeling a little lonley today. And although loniness has always been a friend of mine, I'm getting a little annoyed with it. My dog is being insistant that I must take her outside and play ball. That's not gonna' happen though, I'm too busy listening to Frozen blast through the speakers. School is going well. (I say that so often because it truly suprises me) Never take anatomy and physiology if you don't have to though, take it from me. It's more than annoying. I think I am supposed to highlight my friend Cheryl's positive attributes in this entry. So, Chery is wonderful, beautiful and witty, not to mention amazingly friendly and gorgeous. :-) That's not all, but It's making me sick saying nice things about someone so I have to stop, heh. Cheryl is a good friend actually. I think we need to get together and dispose of our Speech professor though. We decorated for Christmas on Monday at school. It comes so fast every year. I feel so old these days. Alas, I refuse to admit it. :-) ARgg, I just looked at the clock and It's time for me to go to the doctor. Have a great day everyone... |
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| Dec 03 , 2004 11:35pm C |
| Please try to forgive me. Stay here, don't put out the glow. Hold me now don't bother, if every minute it makes me weaker. You can't save me from the man that I've become. Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone, I played my part, and it all faded to dark. It's taken three years, but please let me show you the shape of my heart Sadness is beautiful, lonleyness is tragic...believe me I know. Oh so help me, I can't win this war. Oh, no. You can't touch me now, don't bother, 'cause every second it makes me weaker. I can't save me from the man that I used to be. I'm here with my confessions, got nothing to hide no more, I don't know where to start, but to recreate the shape of my heart. I'm looking back on the things I've done. I was always trying to be someone other than me. I never want to play the same old part. To recreate the man, is to recreate the heart. You know I don't even remember my childhood dreams anymore? I've made such an art of adapting, of becoming whoever the situation called for, of lies and deceit, that I often wonder if I'll ever have something real in any of life's demensions. Perhaps I'll never know. But then there's always someday. Everybody's lookin' for that something, one thing that makes it all complete. You'll find it in the strangest places, places you never knew it could be. Some find it in the face of their children, some find it in a lover's eyes. Who can deny the joy it brings, when you've found that special thing, you're flying without wings. Some find it sharing every morning, some in the solitary night. You'll find it in the words of others, a simple line can make you laugh or cry. You'll find it in the deepest friendships, the kind you cherish all your life. And when you know how much that means, you've found that special thing, you're flying without wings... We all have crossroads in life. For many of us, they proceed from dramatic and special events such as the birth of a child, or a forever-union with someone you love. For some, its after a great mistake, for others, it's after a lot of mistakes. I think I've had more chances in life than any one person could ever deserve. I'm not sure if I should be grateful, or saddened, but I am definitly moved when I look back over my life and see all the amazing people who's life-paths have entertwined with my own. In short, there is obviously a reason for me to be in this life, at this time, in this place even. There have been so many oppurtunities for my existance to loose meaning. Everyone that knows me well, knows that I've had quite a few "crossroads" in my life, and just as many second chances to choose the right path. I am quite aware that lifes chances are so very limited. If I'm grateful for anything, its that I've had so many thus far. I've seen heaven in someone eyes, I've felt love for someone, in the bonds of friendship, that recreates brotherhood, desire that changes everything. The desire to be wanted, the desire to be needed, I often find myself longing for those bonds of the past, for those great friendships that I've had and lost, or let slip away untended. I wonder if like true loves, conversely, true friendships are limited as well. I can't know. But with this realization that I've had so many times before and ran from, comes an honest pledge, that I will find that reason. And though as hard as I've tried, I cannot chace past transgressions, I can change past attitudes and the lack of commitment I've always shown. Alas, it's not a game, this life, I know that now. And even if it was, I've already won. Now I just need to find out why. Good night... |
| Dec 04 , 2004 8:30pm C |
| "You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it you better never let it go, you only get one shot do not miss you chance to blow. This oppurtunity comes once in a life time... No more games, Im'ma chage what you call rage tear this mutha fuckin roof off, like two dogs caged. I was playin in the beginning, the mood all changed Ive been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage, but I kept trying...Success is my only mutha-fuckin option, failure's not... "Lose yourself in the music, the moment, I own it and I'll never let it go, I only get one more shot and I won't miss my chance to go. This oppurtunity comes once in a life time... So.... WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!! Like some warped alarm clock, I was awoken today from the dream that I've been living in on and off for a while now. Like I elated in the last entry, I has become so drasticly clear to me that this point, right now, this period of time, this chance, is that last one that I will have to climb the ladder of self-actualization. I refuse to drop the ball on this one. I know a lot of people, hell, probably everyone reading this has no idea what I'm talking about. But when I come back to these words in a few years, I will know exactly what I meant. If I have to wait in the blistering cold for four hours, almost out of gas in the middle of Iowa 38 miles from the nearest gas station, AGAIN, (grin) Then sobeit. It all ends tonight... Dear Mr. I'm too good to swallow my pride long enough to live my life, GROW THE FUCK UP. Sorry I'm a little pissed off at myself at the moment. My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why, I got out of bed at all, the morning rain clouds up my window, and I can't see at all. But even if I could, it'd be gray, but your picture on my wall, it reminds me that it's not so bad...its not so bad at all. I don't know maybe I need some counseling, I think perhaps I'm a little more fucked up than I have ever wanted to admit to myself. But how do you teach the teacher, how to you counsel the counselor? I dunno. Don't get me wrong. Things are still very positive for me at the moment, I've just looked back and gotten really pissed off at many of the decisions that I've made in the past. I went shopping with my mommy today :-) I've spent a lot of time with my parents as of late. I dunno what it is, it's cool just to feel like a kid again, to know that they have always been there for me to run to, whenever I was in need of a friend, no matter what, they've always been there. Why do people always say no regrets, I think if you have lived at all, you must have lots of regrets, things that you wish to change. I'm not sure what a perfect world would be, but it would really have to be rather boring. It's time to find something productive to do. Ciao. |
| Dec 06 , 2004 9:15am E |
| "Do you believe in heaven above, do you believe in love. Don't tell a lie, don't be false or untrue, it all comes back to you. Open fire on my burning heart, I've never been lucky in love. My defenses are down, a kiss or a frown, I can't survive on my own. If a boy walks in and carves his name in my heart, I'll turn and run away. Everyday we've all been led astray, it's hard to be lucky in love. It gets in your eyes, its making you cry... Don't know what to do, don't know what to do, you're looking for love calling heaven above. Send me an angel, send me an angel, right now. Empy dreams can only disappoint in a room behind your smile. But don't give up you can be lucky in love..." I am tutoring at the moment in the writing center on campus. Well, obviously not at this exact moment, but you know what I mean. A girl just brought her paper to me to look over before she turned it in. The topic was homosexual marriage. I think she is a basketball player, she is really tall, very pretty black girl. I'm telling you what she looked like because she impressed my so much with her paper. She has a boyfriend, so I assume that she isn't homosexual herself, but in her paper she was so demanding and straight forward that homosexuals should be able to marry, and if not, then no one should be able to marry. It's cool to know that thtere are soe many str8 people who believe in gay rights. Yo listen up here's a story about a little guy that lives in a blue world. And all day and all night and everything he hees is just blue, like him, inside and outside. Blue his house with a blue little window and a blue corvette and everything is blue for him 'cause he ain't got nobody to listen. I'm blue da ba dee da ba daa I'm blue da ba dee da ba daa. I have a blue house with a blue window. Blue is the colour of all that I wear. Blue are the streets and all the trees are too. Blue are the people here that walk around. Blue are the words I say and what I think, Blue are the feelings that live inside me. So this week and next week are the last two weeks of school for me this semester. That is a good thing in some ways, but the fact the I have finals to deal with for the next two weeks isn't so good. I will survive I suppose. It's amazing how fast time goes, I know that's a bit cliche these days. Our lives, especially as Americans, are so fast-paced that we barely know whats going on from day to day. It would be awesome if people could just SLOW DOWN sometimes As long as we're talking about amazing. There are some AMAZING looking people on this campus. I have a great oppurtunity to see a lot of people come in and out when I'm working in the writing center. A lot of the guys who work up here are in middle college and first-time freshmen and they look so young, but oddly so adult. It's strange that even str8 guys are paying so much attention to their appearence these days. It's truly a metrosexual society in some regards, especially in refrence to the upcoming generation. You'll hear no compaints from me though, I usually just enjoy the view :-) Have a good day, I have to go to class soon. Ciao - N |
