| My Days.....page 56 |
| Jan 14 , 2005 12:33am CS |
| "The kingdom of God is inside you and all around you, not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood and I am there -- lift a stone and you will find me. These are the hidden sayings that the living Jesus spoke. Whoever discovers the meaning of these sayings shall not taste death..." -From the Gospel of St. Thomas I guess most of you that read the passage about thought of the movie Stigmata. The words actually come from a real text, but I won't get into that at the moment. There's something to be said about a good glass of wine. Just imagine the scent of blackberrys filling your nostrils just seconds before you bring the glass to your lips. Even if you didn't have that wonderful blast of sweet bitterness lingering on your tounge, the scent alone is bliss. That being said, I'll move on. Today was rather uneventful, though lots of things have been going on since my last entry. I suppose I should start with the most recent and work my way back. Something that does tie into today is my Aunt Bennie. She lives just next door to my parents and has been a major part of my life since its beginning. Over the past year we've come to find out that she is in the beginning stages of Alhzhiemers disease or just heavy dementia. Either way, she is doing some strange things. She was always a little eccentric, but its getting a little out of hand. My mother is taking care of all of her finiances now as well as her medications, which she hides and refuses to take most of the time. She just bought a car after selling hers several months ago and we just found out that she has been going to a local clinic and getting prescriptions for pain medication and sedatives which she was already taking. Needless to say, she is becoming a handful for my mom. But thats just the way it goes I suppose. We have to be taken care of when we first come into this world and usually as we draw closer to our way out. "The long goodbye," is a fitting discription for a very sad and unfortunate situation. I can't imagine that it would be easy for anyone to loose their independance and realize that they can no longer take care of themselves. I think that is part of what she is going through. I just hope she is as happy as possible though all this. On a seperate somewhat more positive note, I had a very interesting New Years eve. I went to a club called Play in nashille (its next door to Tribe for those of you who know where that is). The crowd and the scene was cool. They had the normal stuff the balloon drop, champagne toast, confettii and all that, not to mention that there was no shortage of adorable half naked boys dancing around. Just before midnight I met a cute guy named david. He was rather drunk already I think. But over the next couple of hours I added to it by buying him about 5 more drinks. He was getting more and more sloshed, and so was I for that matter. But Play closed at 3:00 and it was time to go. I was there with another friend and David was a little too drunk to get anywhere on his own. He had told me earlier in the evening that he was supposed to meet someone later that night at Kiss, which is an afterhours club in nashville, and they were going to take him home. Needless to say, we could not find Kiss. So my friend that was dricing was getting really sick and was probably pretty drunk himself, so we decided that it was time we tried to find Kiss on foot. So, we set out in downtown nashville walking, one of us totally drunk, the other hiding it very well. I left my friend in the car where he went to sleep thank God, because we walked around 2nd street for well over an hour looking for Kiss. After almost getting mugged and nearly getting arrested, I decided it was time to hail a cab. And that I did, almost getting ran over in the process. Next, the hindu cab driver couldn't find the place either. He got on his radio and asked 3 other people who had no clue where it was located. Finally I texted someone who told me where it was, and 20 minutes and 30 dollars later we found it. David was really nice, but I went though quite a but of greif to take care of some drunken little boy who I didnt know. If I had been fucking him, that would have been one thing, however that was not the case... This time. Alas, after staying there for a bit I took another cab back to my car where my friend was sleeping. At this point I was quite sober so I drove the 40 miles back to Murfreesboro to my friend's apartment with great intentions of going to bed very quickly. Again, that was not the case either. I ended up drinking a bit more and fucking my friend for several hours. There's also something to be said for random unattached sexual activitiy. While, believe it or not, and I know most of you won't, that is not something that I like to make a habit of, sometimes, you just gotta have fun. Afterward, I smiled, kicked his soccer ball around the apartment for a while and ended up falling asleep in a chair at around 8am. As I said, I had a interesting new year's eve. :-) Sorry if that was a little too graphic for you. When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you, give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart. I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you. Its hard to find relief and people can be so cold. When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore... Let me be the one you call if you'll jump I'll break your fall, lift you up and fly away with you into the night. If you need to fall apart I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone. As for my Christmas holiday, it was rather uneventful. I had the normal Christmas with my family. On Christmas day we had the usual family dinner for the "blue hairs" (all my great aunts that can't wait for our family gatherings each year) That morning my parents and I opened presents at home. Lots of stuff all around. Everyone spends too much money at Christmas I think, especially my mom and dad. But they are awesome for it. The next day we drove down to Atlanta to my sister's house and opened more presents still. It was a good time had all around I suppose. I will leave out the trip to new york I think, as that is someting I would rather forget for lots of reasons. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the holidays as much as I did. For me, it's time to go back to school next week. Some day I'll finish school, but not someday soon I'm afraid. Good night everyone. N |
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| Jan 14 , 2005 11:25pm CS |
| So - Alas, alas. I think that may be my favourite way to begin an entry. Anyway, today was rather drab. It has been in the mid 70's in the Tennessee Valley for the last week or so. Today was far from that, I don't think it got over 39 all day and with the bitter wind it felt a little closer to 19 I think, well maybe not that bad, but after all the good weather, the cold seemed extra harsh. Another thing that made this day so dismal was that I went to a funeral today. My aunt's mother died a few days ago after an extended illness. My parents and I had gone to see her in the hospital a couple of weeks ago and she had gotten a little better, so they sent her back to the nursing home where she had been for the past couple of years. We went to visit her there once last week as well. It was a sad situation really. She had two daughters, I think, and four sons. My aunt and all her siblings had been staying by their mother's bedside pretty much night and day for almost a year now. Though I almost hate to utter this, everyone I think is better off now, so there are some postives to the situation. The family had been mourning for her for sometime now. Now the mother and her children all have a chance to rest. Besides all her physical illinesses, the long goodbye had set in fairly quickly and she often didn't know any of her children. I am watching dances with wolves at the moment. It is a really good movie, but I'm not sure that it was necessary for it to take five hours. Have I mentioned lately how much I like Bravo? For the most part it's like someone looked into my head and decided these are the shows gay boys like, so that's what we'll show. Except for the infomercials, those pretty much suck. I haven't mentioned lorrie in a while. She is "off the chain" as usual. She is close to six months pregnant I think. I know she's really excited about having the baby, but she has a bad case of first time mothers syndrome. She compains about everything, I guess that's to be expected on some levels. But she takes it far out of hand sometimes. She is starting school this semester with me in Chattanooga. She's majoring in nursing. I wish the best for her. She has had things pretty rough, even if she has brough a little of it on herself. She is stong though, she will make it - someday. I think it's about time to make the journey toward sleep. Rest is a weapon you know. Good night everyone, and good journey. N. |
| Jan 15 , 2005 9:07am CS |
| Fly me to the moon, let me play amound the starts, let me see what spring is like on jupiter and mars, in other words, hold my hand. in other words, baby kiss me. Fill my heart with song and let me sing for evermore. You are all I long for, all I worship and adore, in other words - please be true. In other words, I love you. Fill my hear with song and let me sing for ever more, you are all I long for all I worship and adore, in other words... Please be true, In other words, I love you... Every sing day, I walk down the street, I hear people say baby, so sweet. Ever since puberty everybody stares at me, boys, girls, I can't help it baby. So be kind and don't loose your mind, just remember that I'm your baby. Take me for what I am. Who I was meant to be, and if you give a damn, take me baby, or leave me. A tiger in a cage, can never see the sun, this diva needs his stage, baby, lets have fun. You are the one I choose, folks would kill to fill your shoes. You love the lime light too now baby, so be mine but don't waste my time. Take me for what I am. Who I was meant to be, and if you give a damn, take me baby, or leave me No way can I be what I'm not, but hey, dont you want your man hot. Don't buy it don't loose your head, 'cause everynight, who's in your bed? That last bit is from Rent. It had been a while since I'd listened to that soundtrack, so I started off with it this morning. The sunlight is shining brightly this morning. It's a balmy 45 degrees outside, grrr. I guess I should have known it wasn't going to stay warm forever, but one can wish I suppose. Well, there's not really a lot to do at this point. There's nothing on the tele but cartoons and old westerns, and I really don't want to put forth the effort to get up and go somewhere, so I guess I'll just read a book. There's a new James Patterson book that I haven't read yet. So, have a good day everyone. N If you live around here you need cash in the bank 'cause the 'ouses round here are all flashy and swank, and the front bit, 'at's whats called a facade. All the people round here and are as posh as can be, you won't see 'em hob nobbing with rubbish like me, it's the snob bit, also called a facade. Every day, people in their own sweet way, like to add a coat of paint and be what they ain't. 'ats how their little game is played, living out the masquerade getting rich and getting laid, who'd want to trade? But there's one thing I know and I know it for sure, this disease that they've got has got no ready cure, and I'm certain life is terribly hard - when you're life is facade. They call him the creme de la creme, whatever that means he's a bloody sight better than them. Nearly everyone you meet when walking down the London street pretends to be a pilar of soceity. A model of propriety, sobrienty and piaty, who's never even heard of noteriaty. The ladies and gents here before you, which none of 'em ever admit, they have saintly looks but they're sinners and crooks, HIPOCRITS! If you live around here you need lots of panash, if you live in town dear then you must cut a dash. Tisnt hard dear, to create a facade. You must seem to be rich and have money to burn. Even though it's a bitch spending more than you earn. Thats the game here, and the name is facade. I'm inclined to think half mankind thinks the other half is blind, I wouldn't be suprised to find, they're all in kahoots. At the end of the day, they don't mean what they say, they don't say what they mean, they don't ever come clean. And the answer is it's all a facade... |
| Jan 16 , 2005 12:20am CS |
| "You mighta been hurt babe, that ain't no lie. But you just gotta get up and go. I remember you told me, that it made you believe in 'No man, no cry' Maybe that's why, every little thing I do, never seems enough for you. You don't want to loose it again, but I'm not like him, Baby when you fine the beat, get to know somebody, guess what, it's gonna be me. You've got not choice babe, but to move on. And you know there ain't no time to waste. 'Cause your just too blind to see, but in the end you know it's gonna be me, you can't deny, so just tell me why, every little thing I do, never seems enough for you, you don't want to loose it again, but I'm not like them... All that I do, is not enough for you, I don't want to loose it , but I'm not like that, when finally you get to love guess what - There comes a day when I'll be the one, it's gonna be me!" I've been listening to NSYNC for a couple of hours now, yeah, I know I'm pathetic. I've thought that about a lot of people in the past, that it was gonna be me, and I was was usually wrong. I guess mistakes are what makes us who we are. I just got off irc from talking with Susan for the past couple of hours. Its strange that no matter where I go or what I'm doing I always seem to come back to irc to find her. She has been a great friend to me throughout the years since I first came online when I was 15 years old. Many that was 10 years ago. My how time flys right? I feel old, but I guess I'll just get over it, I'm going to either get older or die right? And I think I would prefer the latter. I saw Nona tonight. She is doing well. We talked for a while. It has been around 10 years since I first met her as well. She was my boss at Hardees for quite a while until we both quit. ugh, teenage jobs have lots of memories, like Ed Lowry - he worked with me at Hardees and I was so struck on on for a while. He was a cocky guy, which somehow attracted me. We had a few moments, but it was never anything other than fun. So I've had a big day, no really. Very impactive to my entire life. I went out to eat with my parents at around 6pm and then we went to Walmart to get groceries! Very exciting huh? Anyways, Imma go read some more I think. This book I'm reading is really good. London Bridges, by James Patterson. So anyway, ack, LFO is playing now, the Girl on TV that takes me back. smiles, good night everyone. Met a fly boy and I can't relex, the only problem is he's a movie star... He's from the city of angels, like betty davis, james dean and cable. You'll never know what he means to me. I think I fell for the boy that's on TV, everybody knows his name, they wanna take his picture and their glad he came. But I just want to be there when he's down. I don't want his autograph, I just want to call him up and make him laught, he never had to be on a movie screen to be the leading man in all my dreams. Shooby-doo-wap and scoopy snacks, I met a fly boy and I cant relax, the only problem is he's a movie star, my friends they won't beleive me, but if they could only see me, at the risk of souding cheesy, I think I fell for the boy that's on TV. So I wish for you on a bright shining star, everywhere I look there you are... |
| Feb 04 , 2005 3:11pm ES |
| "It was just another story printed on the second page, underneath the Tiger's football score. It said he was only 18, a boy about my age. They found him face down on the bedroom floor. There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home, Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone... How do you get that lonley, how do you hurt that bad? To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all, is better than the life you had. How do you feel so empty, you want the let it all go. How do you get that lonley... and nobody know. Did his boyfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun? Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol? Did him mom and daddy forget to say I love you son? Did no one see the writing on the wall. I'm not blaming anybody, we all do the best we can. I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand..." --- Blaine Larsen I thought that song deserved some recognition. I think Blaine Larsen wrote it when he was 18 years old and still in high school. So anyway, I've had a face-paced last few weeks. I havent' really done a lot of things other than school stuff lately. I was with daniel for a few hours night before last. Everybody needs somebody somtime, right? That's just how it goes. Some release is a necessity on occasion. Lately, I have been writing back and forth with Marcus. I dont think I have mentioned him here before, but he was someone lorrie was fuckin for a while there last summer before she got pregnant with James' baby. Right after she moved in with James, Marcus robbed a couple of gas stations with his cousin, and wound up in jail, as should have been expected. Anyway, so I've been writing him, and he me for a couple of months. He is in a holding facility in Nashville, waiting to be sent somewhere to serve 8 years at 30%. I hope he does okay, he is a pretty smart guy, and I hope he does well inside, so that he can still be whole to do well on the outside. ANY,WAY, I have 2 tests on monday in A&P and History so I should probably study or something. later. |