The Hellhole
Please No!
How Hot is Vin Diesel?
I'm not sure how many of you guys out there watch The View. I know I'm a loyal and dedicated follower. Five women sitting around, talking....there's nothing more entertaining, and downright informative, than that. But my editorial today is not to praise The View for all it's unbelievable achievements. Instead, it is to report to you a piece of celebrity news that many better join me in praying isn't true. You see, a few weeks ago, Jenny McCarthy was on the esteemed program, and it was brought up that she has been spotted recently doing kissy faces with Jim Carrey. They have been caught holding hands and hanging out together very frequently lately. The panel of women all berated her with questions, wanting to know if there's some bodily perferation occuring there, but Jenny kept refusing to comment, and saying that it's none of their business. This, to me, is basically an affirmation that they really are going out. The problem comes here. I'd like to start by saying that I love Jim Carrey. I saw Ace Ventura 1054 times. But does the Earth really need these two people procreating:

No. We don't. These two would bring about the most annoying child in history. Can you imagine a child fifty times more obnoxious than the kid from The Phantom Menace? I know I can't, but I have no doubt that these two could very easily concieve an antichrist of that proportion. Let's look at their track records when it comes to entertainment.
Jim Carrey: Famous for talking out of his ass, being able to talk unbelievably quickly and irritatingly, has endless amounts of energy which he uses to annoy every character that plays opposite him in a movie
Jenny McCarthy: Famous for farting, getting naked every chance she gets, and having endless amounts of energy which she uses to annoy me in specific
So as you can see, we'd end up with some baby that farts as he talks out of his ass, then gets naked and starts rubbing his genitals all over who ever is next to him, before yelling random phrases right in your ear, then kicking you in the balls, and laughing right in your face. Or they'll have some kid that hates them both, becomes an accountant, and bankrupts them.
It's time for some new comments from your favorite foreigner, Jaap. Last week, I said some pretty mean things about your country, Ameri-duh. Well, I'm not taking them back. But I must admit, you Yankees have bred what is perhaps the most beautiful man alive, Vin Diesel. This hot slab of meat makes my teeth tingle with arousal. Look at this beautiful picture of him I have hanging right above my bed.

My mother gives me shit about it because she thinks I'm gay. Just because I like an occasional hard one, doesn't make me gay. Anyways, back to Vin Diesel. I do have to admit, he's an awful actor. His movie Chronicles of Riddick was really terrible. But who cares? You get to gawk at this MAN, and I do mean MAN with capital letters, the whole way through. I've touched men before with rocky abs, but none quite as rippled as Vin's. I pray every night (not that I believe in any specific god, but you get what I mean) that Vin jumps in through my window and pins me up against a wall and shows me how he treats his women. Maybe he could ride me from behind. But hey, Ameri-duh still sucks.
Updates (6/16/06): Luis' Journal, Luis' Random Lyrical Discussion, Jaap's Fetish Meter, and Critic's Corner. Look at them, or the plague of death will visit you in the night.
Luis's Journal "Real" Wrestling Federeation: Official Website
Luis's Bible Commentary
All Hail Scott Baio
Cobra's Lost Page
Cobra's Disgusted Meter
Critic's Corner
Tony Danza's World
Controversial Chick of the Moment
Becoming a friend of Luis and Cobra
The List
Luis' Random Lyrical Dissection
Our Queen is So Great, Isn't She?
Our Queen is also a magnificent humanitarian.
All of us bowing to our Queen, Paris.
Our Queen only mingles with the greatest celebs.