Cue Music-
"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amora."
Dean Martin
MULDER: Don’t even start with me?
SCULLY: What I didn’t say anything...
MULDER: Yet, but you will.... [Mulder crumples a piece of paper and then tries to toss it in the waste basket. Only he misses and the crumpled ball now lies next to a lot of other crumpled balls. Mulder gets up and starts beating the crap out of the trash basket.]
SCULLY: Was that necessary?
MULDER: I told you not to start with me!
SCULLY: Yeah but if you keep that type of behavior up rumors will start flying and well....
MULDER: So like I care....
SCULLY: You should this is your future we are talking about, there could be zillions of press people bugging this office and now this is gonna be on the front page of National Enquirer...
MULDER: Why would they care and no one believes that garbage. They are always making up stuff.
SCULLY: True but half the stuff they print actually comes from the x-files and.....
MULDER: Never mind that I’ll get my manager to release a carefully worded statement. I’m more concerned on what you are gonna say to Skinner. So what ya gonna tell him?
SCULLY: Um....The Truth.
MULDER: And which truth would that be?
SCULLY: That you were drugged. That you saw a vampire, ate MY Pizza made me...
MULDER: Whao! It was my pizza, I paid for it...
SCULLY: Because I had to go and do an autopsy, thanks to you.. And that...
MULDER: No, no.... Scully we need to get our story straight. This ain’t gonna fly. Skinner will not by the vampire thing and if we lie Kenneth Starr will be on our butts. You want that?
SCULLY: Geez it’s not like we had sex and are denying it!
MULDER: I know that but they don’t...
SCULLY: Oh come on how absurd can this be, there is no way in hell I’d ever sleep with you, unless the price was right.
MULDER: Exactly... wait... what you mean price?
SCULLY: Well I’d want at least 4 million dollars, equal pay and oh a desk before I’d even consider it.
MULDER: Good thing I still have that copy of the Turning and all those men’s magazines like FHM plus my porn to turn to for comfort then....
SCULLY: Guess so because...
MULDER: Yeah yeah , drop it already we need to make sure the story is the same.
SCULLY: Well I’m gonna tell Skinner my version so how is that different from yours?
MULDER: I need you to back me up on this because it’s my butt that could be in person not yours.
SCULLY: Whoa! Ronny Stickland’s family if the do decided to press charges are suing for 44.7million dollars, that first makes us co-dependents. I mean this is the government and they will need as many scapegoats... not goat suckers but scapegoats and we are it! Second... um... I don’t have a second point because the first one was so damn good!
MULDER: Whao no second or third point Scully? You are laxing here.
SCULLY: Shut up Mulder! This is all your fault. I wasn’t the one that over reacted.... Oh Scully vampires let’s slay them. I wasn’t the one that did the thing with the thingie.....
MULDER: You put the quarter in the vibrating bed...
SCULLY: That is not what I meant. I wasn’t the one that thought I was Buffy the Vampire Slayer you were!
MULDER: Well lets go over this word by word from the top. You first...
"On a dark desert highway cool wind in my hair... Wait wrong story. Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away, and you were exceedingly exberment and then informed me we were going to Texas. Then you whipped the stats out for this town and showed me slides of dead cows. Next you laughed at my theory..."
MULDER: Well it was not Oprah Winfrey!
SCULLY: Will you let me finish?
You then laughed at my cult theory and denied it was the goat sucker -something about not enough fangs. Some thing only you would know Mulder. Anyway you said vampires and we went to Texas. This town was so small they didn’t even have a morgue so we went to view the body and the local funeral home. Where we were meet by the local law enforcement..."
MULDER: And you went gaga over the sheriff.
SCULLY: Did not!
MULDER: Did to you smiled more at him then you have in your entire life. You were flirting so bad with him I thought I was gonna be sick!
SCULLY: Will you let me finish?
"So we went to see the body, you mocked everything I said. Made me amend my theory. I gave a wonderful explanation and the sheriff agreed and said ‘You really know your stuff Dana.’ "
MULDER: Dana!!! Man I wished I hadn’t trashed that garbage can. I think I’m gonna need it to throw-up in! He never even knew your first name.
SCULLY: How do you know? I mean I wasn’t with YOU the whole time and....
MULDER: Yeah but at that point he didn’t, please continue DANA!
"Anyway that’s when you had your big break through.. whatever...Something about the shoes and laces being untied then you asked if there was a cemetery around like off the beaten path the creepier the better. This is when I knew you had been watching way to much Buffy. Anyway you them order me to do an autopsy and you left. I did the autopsy, and found pizza in this dudes stomach all of a sudden I’m hungry. Oh and I found out this guy had been slipped a Mickey, he was drugged. After the autopsy I checked into the Davy Crockett motel..."
MULDER: Actually it was the Sam Houston Lodge. And how could you think of food after desiccating a man’s inners?
SCULLY: Shut up Mulder! Let me finish....
" I go back to the hotel and order a pizza cause I remembered I hadn’t eaten all day. There was one of those vibrating beds and my back hurt from doing an autopsy all damn day so I made sure I had a lot of change. Then you show up. All covered in mud and with no explanation what so ever. Then you tell me I have to go do another autopsy. Then you take my bed, you cheep bastard. Anyway I leave just as my dinner arrives. I do another autopsy and then get a perverted call. After looking at the stomach contents and using my superior reasoning I knew you were in danger. So I rushed to the hotel. Found my pizza half eaten and my vibrating bed still going oh and a vampire. Then I saw your sorry butt a sleep on the floor. I woke you and you started signing the theme from Shaft."
MULDER: Did not!
SCULLY: Did too. And I think Mulder you really need to make use of the FBI’s shrink. I think you have a fascination with sex. That could be very un-healthy seeing how you never get any unless it is by a vampire and that almost happened again if I hadn’t made it to the motel in time.
MULDER: You know if you were a better shoot we wouldn’t be in this mess.
SCULLY: How so? He was a vampire and bullets have no effect only stakes as you proved. Anyway I thought you were to doped up to be of any use - like you ever are... And well I did manage to shoot his tire forcing him to flee on foot so I took off into the woods after him. That’s when I heard screaming and caught up with you. And when you over reacted then I pulled out the fake teeth....
MULDER: That’s it that’s what you are gonna tell Skinner... I’m a dead man!
SCULLY: Well I will argue the fact that Ronny was a serial pizza man killer...
MULDER: Just say it!
SCULLY: Say what?
MULDER: You are gonna imply I was drugged and thought it was a vampire because you are afraid to come off looking like a fool in front of Skinner. I know you got the hots for him. You love older men and...
SCULLY: That’s absurd! I’m gonna tell him the way I saw it and it is the truth!
MULDER: Yeah right. So what now all the clichés, the truth is out there, trust no one deny everything crap!
SCULLY: No that is you Mr. paranoia. So what is your version?
MULDER: Way different from yours that’s for sure. Mine is more reliable.
SCULLY: LOL How so...
MULDER: Well mostly because Chris usually comes to me when he has writers block so I help out here and there in these lame scripts.. You know make them better.
SCULLY: Since when?
MULDER: Remember how when you got knocked up? Chris wanted you to really get pregos. I said Nah make her get adducted by aliens. And remember how in the host it was really a giant roach? It was I that turned it into a giant flatworm. And....
SCULLY: Bet the goat sucker was your brain storm them to huh?
MULDER: Hmm no that was that sorry writer John what ever. Point being...
SCULLY: Nothing. OK Mr. Smartie Pants, from the top your version.
MULDER: OK here goes....
SCULLY: Why do have a really bad feeling about this?
MULDER: Because you know my version will be better.
"I calmly informed you we were going to Texas and you hit the roof. Asking why ,why and all whinny too with , "Why Dallas?" Then I told you and showed you some slides of why. You bitched and complained then mocked me with your theories and also informed me vampires aren’t real and it wasn’t that Mexican goat sucker. Well we finally arrived and your mind was preoccupied as you failed to notice all the coffins. Instead you made goggle eyes at the buck teeth sheriff."
SCULLY: Did not! And he didn’t have buck teeth!
MULDER: Did to! You were drooling everywhere... smiling and man I thought you were gonna hump his bones right there... Then remembered you wouldn’t know where to start since you have never had sex...
SCULLY: I have too had sex!
MULDER: No you haven’t! May I continue please?
"Then we viewed the body. You drooled more then mocked me even more. I gave a wonderful explanation of vampires that went over your head -which is not hard being that you are vertically challenged and also that of sheriff buck teeth. Then I noticed the shoes. It was the shoes I tell you."
SCULLY: No, that only applies to Michael Jordan. Why the hell are the shoes so important?
MULDER: Well that’s what I’ll explain...
"While you did your favorite, thing slicing and dicing dead people, me and the sheriff went to the cemetery. See it is a compulsive thing and well if I dropped sunflower seeds..."
SCULLY: Which you do all the time...
MULDER: Hey I didn’t interrupt you this much so stop doing it to me!
"All vampires are compulsively obsessive and must untie knots. Anyway me and the sheriff hung about then got a call about a run away RV. After numerous attempts to stop the RV we gave up and let it run out of gas...."
SCULLY: You tried to shoot the tires, and when that didn’t work you tried to do a Harrison Ford and jump on the thing didn’t you?
MULDER: Well, Um... yeah....
SCULLY: That’s why you were covered in mud huh?
MULDER: Yes and all you did was bitch at me.
SCULLY: Did not! I was tired and hungry and you come in covered in mud telling me I had to do another autopsy then ate my pizza!
MULDER: Can I finish my version?
"Well that’s when I went to your room. You of course were laying there waiting for your pizza on one of those vibrating beds. I in the mean time was tired and covered in mud. Finally you left. The pizza guy came and yeah I ate your dinner, good choice of toppings by the way. But that is when I saw it. But by then it was too late. I was drugged. I tried to call you and you called me a creep then the vampire came in and I threw sunflower seeds at him. He was both mad because he had to pick them up and because I gave him a shit tip. Then I passed out. When I woke up the vampire was about to suck my blood but then you came and shot him twice then he flow over you like a flying bat. You then left me there helpless to I assume pursue the vampire. After I re-gained a bit of my senses I made a stake and hunted him down and well then you know...."
SCULLY: Mulder, but they are never gonna believe this.....
Meanwhile back in DC Mulder and Scully wait nervously outside Skinners’ office
SCULLY: Your tie is messed up, let me fix it.
MULDER: No get away from me! It’s fine.
SCULLY: No it’s not and first impressions are always most important especially when facing murder charges and we do have this lame vampire thing...
MULDER: Scully don’t, don’t start on that again!
SCULLY: He is not going to believe us.....
SKINNER: There as been a new development. Seems Ronny’s body is missing and the coroner sort a had his neck chewed. Go find that body.....
SCULLY: Why are we here again?
MULDER: Because he will be back here.
SCULLY: But he had fake fangs... I mean for the sake of agreement... humor me...
MULDER: Well you were right before.
SCULLY: Me right no why.
MULDER: Yeah, see fangs are our invention most lore doesn’t mention them...
SCULLY: OK so where the hell is the vampire then?
MULDER: Oh look the sheriff..
SCULLY: Really where?
MULDER: Down Scully down, chill on your hormones there....
SCULLY: Hiya sheriff....
SHERIFF: Hiya agents...
MULDER: Why don’t you stay here with Scully I wanna go check on something..
SCULLY: Where the hell are you going?
MULDER: Ummm dunno but lets find out. Sheriff where would one go to pick up their mail if it was sent local delivery no house address?
SHERIFF: Probably he RV park.
MULDER: Scully I’ll be at the RV park... and Scully don’t say I didn’t never do nothing for ya. Her is your chance, you go girl get’em and have fun.
Closeing scene -
SKINNER: And you except me to believe this?
SCULLY: Um... well um...
MULDER: It is what happened.
SCULLY: Well I can neither confirm nor deny Mulder’s story when I wasn’t present but yeah that is basically essentially exactly what happen....
MULDER: Yeah basically.
SKINNER: Vampires and Scully having sex? I don’t buy it.
SCULLY: I didn’t have sex it is just merely implied just because I was drugged and don’t remember in addition I send the night with a very cute sheriff err vampire does not mean we did the nasty.
MULDER: Yeah sir, I don’t think Scully would know what sex was even is she had it sober. So for the record it was just vampires.
SKINNER: OK that I believe.
MULDER: And I still say the sheriff had buck teeth, but then I guess Scully would really be the only one able to confirm or deny but she don’t remember...
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