"F3."

"Miss."

"C5."

"Hit."

"Damn! D1."

"Miss."

"C4."

"Miss."

"What? But I hit before!" A remotely annoyed red head woman snarled.

"Well excuse me, for all you know it could have been C3!" A blond man in a gray uniform replied, giving the red head a cold glare.

"C3." The red head said with confidence.

"Hit…wait that was my turn! Gimme one of yours!" The man replied trying to get at the red head's Battleship board.

"Jadeite!" She yelled. "It was a hit so stop trying to get at my board!"

"But Queen Beryl that wasn't a fair play!" Jadeite replied standing up.

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"Yes- er, no…No! Now why would you say that?" He fumbled.

"Why you little-" Beryl began, completely enraged but stopped momentarily as Jadeite flashed one of his cheesy, yet suave smiles that got him out of most predicaments, but Beryl was to miffed to let him off. Her staff began to glow a bright Wal-Mart smiley face yellow as she blasted him to some bizarre alternate universe where battleship was played as a national sport.

"Does anyone else dare to challenge the great Queen Beryl?"

A few stiffled giggles could be heard from a crowd of youma that had formed during the recent events. Beryl, still pissed thew her battleship board at them followed by another blast from her staff. The remaining youma withdrew a few steps as the Queen reclaimed her throne.

"JADEI-…NEPHLYTE!" She yelled. "NEEEEPHLYYYTE!!"

A few seconds later a cringing man appeared, haunched over trying to avert his view of the Queen. "Ye-ye-yyesss?" He managed to stammer without running away in terror.

"Nephlyte, as Jadeite is now gone and my battleship set is incomplete I require you to reposes one for my use." She stated firmly.

Nephlyte, realizing that he wasn't going to get his butt kicked in regained his confidence and looked in somewhat her direction. "Pardon?" Nephlyte answered, a little confused.

Beryl, now getting mad (again) picked up the ex-generals battleship board and hurled it in his direction. Nephlyte narrowly missed it.

"You dare to question my orders?" She said coldly, her staff beginning to glow yellow.

"Uh, no. I'll take your mission in retrieving a new Monopo- Battleship game with the utmost care." Nephlyte defended, still confused.

"Very well, you may proceed."

'Whew, that was close.' He thought as he teleported out of her dingy hall.

Zoisite, having nothing better to do, was polishing his boots. He had been surfing the Net earlier that day and had been startled to discover and irritating little poem in which one verse commented on how he has annoying boots and made the writer think of canned fruits.

"Del Monte my ass!" He snarled as he scrubbed extra hard to get some nega-grit off one of the heels. Zoisite was in a rotten mood. On top of that rotten poem badmouthing his precious boots, he had learned that HE wasn't getting Nephlytes' Star Crystal anytime soon. 'Maybe if I rub him out I'll get it?' He thought momentarily. 'Nah, I'll just nag Beryl or something.' His thoughts were interrupted by Malachite's de-caped arrival.

"What's your problem?" Malachite commented as he sat down next to him.

He, along with Zoisite was in a rotten mood. Their foul looks on their faces molded together to form some kind of bad looking bench that people should proceed to avoid with the utmost care.

"Well seeing how I'm in a far worse mood than you could ever be in-" Zoisite began but was interrupted by Malachite's snarling.

"You're in a worse mood! Excuse me, I don't think so!" Malachite boomed.

"Well then, what happened to you?" Zoisite asked politely.

"For your information, I had a little brawl with a few youma, they were mocking my cape." He sniffed. "Nobody mocks my cape!"

"Hmmm…it appears you lost, seeing how your 'Great Cape' isn't much of one anymore." Zoisite mentioned while looking at Malachite's torn, tattered and singed cape. He momentarily gave Zoisite a cold glare before breaking down and stroking what was left of it.

"Then again…" Zoisite trailed off. It didn't matter if Malachite had heard him or not, he was to busy talking to a butchered piece of fabric.

"Well" Zoisite said, starting up the conversation. "It turns out that I won't be getting Nephlyte's Star Crystal. He has to keep it; his precious crystal…black and shiny. The perfect hand held size…" He trailed off. Malachite looked up for a minute to see little black crystals in his eyes.

"You know it is Nephlyte's. It is the key idea of possession; NEPHLYTE'S Star Crystal." He stated. Malachite was getting pretty sick with that obsession of Zoisite's.

"Thank goodness I don't have some kind of bizarre time consuming obsession." He thought aloud, stroking his cape.

"Hmph." Is all that came from Zoiste. Unfolding his crossed arms he yanked on his boots.

"Now that you mention it, it's not that you cape is so great either. Its not even a turn on. I mean geeze capes are soooo 16th century." He said standing up. Malachite stood up and reattached his cape (well, what was left of it).

"What do you mean capes aren't cool! It's not like you have so much better taste than me. Loose the canned fruit look, it's soooo last season."

"How'd you know about that!?…I mean, er…you know why those youma beat you up, because they're (and like everyone else) afraid to be seen in public with you. Who in their right mind would hang around some moron in a cape?"

"Well I never!"

They continued on like this for about five minutes before Beryl interrupted them. (At which point they were arguing over who was getting take-out).

"MALACHITE!!, ZOISITE!!" Beryl screeched.

"Not again." Zoisite moaned.

Zoisite and Malachite teleported to Beryl's Grand Hall.

Coincidentally Beryl was not around.

"You'd think someone with as much power as her would try to keep the sanitation status up on this thing." Zoisite commented as he brushed some dirt from his boots.

"Now that you mention it-" Malachite began but was cut off by Beryl's appearance. They bowed and awaited orders from their liege. Beryl gave them a quick look over before speaking.

"Malachite what has happened to your cape! Has mutilated rags come back in style so soon?" The queen snidely remarked.

"Hmmm?"

"It seems to me your getting old Malachite. TAKE THE DAMN THING OFF!! You look like a hobo, not a general." Beryl boomed. "-or ex-general." She added. Taking a hint Malachite removed his cape. Zoisite attempted to muffle a giggle without success.

"And you Zoisite, marching around in those canned fruits for boots!"

"But, but…I..er-" He stammered.

"Well enough of that. I've sent Nephlyte to repossess a battleship board for me. He hasn't returned. Malachite I command you to locate him and instruct him to return to me at once with one."

"Yes, I…er- understand my Queen." Malachite replied then proceeded to vanish in a blue flame of some sorts.

"Now then Zoisite, it is my understanding that you wish to use Nephlyte's Star Crystal to find the 7 Rainbow crystals, yes?"

"It's also known as Dark Crystal, Black crystal, Zoisite's Crystal…it's sooo black. Small and perfect, the right hand held size…." Zoisite said dreamy eyed then trailed off.

"Ya, whatever. I will hand over its ownership to you on one condition, you must modify it to find a Battleship board for my use, the Rainbow Crystal's can wait."

"Anything for it-er, I mean anything you want, my Queen." Zoisite replied. "Oh yes, Regular or electronic?" He added.

"Does it matter? Oh I guess both. Also make sure you-" Beryl's speech was cut off by Malachite's appearance. "Back so soon Malachite. Did you check every store?"

"Why yes m'queen. I checked Radio Shack, Mal-Mart, Cape o' Rama: The Cape People, Wal-Mart, The Colo$$al Coin, and Quick-E-Mart."

"Cape o' Rama huh?"

"The Cape People. Yes, you would be surprised what you can find in a cape store."

"Aside from you?" Zoisite chimed in.

"Lemme guess, everything but Battleship." Beryl replied rolling her eyes. "Yes well, anyway-"

"Anyways." Zoisite corrected.

"Anyway."

"ANYWAYS!"

"ANYWAY!"

"WAYS!!"

"WAY!!"

"IT'S WAYS!!! Malachite-snookums, you say it Anyways right?" Zoi-muffin asked with pleading eyes. Malachite looked at Beryl's puppy-dog face. A gargantuan sweat drop appeared on his head.

"Umm…"

"Yessss?" Both parties chimed in.

"Well, ahem..er-" He paused a moment. Either way he was going to get his ass kicked in- the question was: Who would be worse?

"Umm…er, I say it NEways." He replied in the smallest of voices.

Both Zoisite and Beryl fell to the ground with their feet sticking up.

Out of the swirling purple sky fell a figure. A remotely annoyed figure. He fell to the ground, well, actually into a pond like thing. A few strangely dressed people looked at him before continuing their task. As he crawled from the pond he could hear the chanting of letters and numbers….D1….miss….J2…..hit….A8…..

"Noooooooooooo!!!!!!" Screamed Jadeite, tears of pain welling up in his eyes. All around him, the people looked up from their task and gave him a foul stare.

"Shush! Some people are trying to work!" Spat a woman dressed like a chess piece. She got up and walked over to the pond followed by many more people in strange game piece clothing.

"Maybe he's the chosen one Lord Battleship has been speaking of!" Spoke a man mysteriously dressed as a naval captain.

"No, he's definitely an angel from Battleship heaven!" Spoke a pudgy, bald, aging man in a cheap tuxedo with a top hat, cane and monocle.

"Look at how he's dressed, and did he not fall from the sky?"

"Who are you anyway?" A woman dressed like a clock finally asked.

"Jadeite." He spoke bitterly.

"He's a battleship section!" The crowed cried with joy.

"Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"

"J8, we have been expecting you. We need you to complete our human Battleship board! You're the last piece required to blast our neighbours; The Electronic Battleship Society to Battleship Hell!" Joyously spoke a man dressed like a Battleship.

Jadeite (or J8) began to sob uncontrollably before yelling up at the sky. "Damn you Beryl! Why couldn't you loose like everyone else!"

"He's become unrulely and disrespectful, we must restrain him!" Shrieked an anomyous voice from the crowd. Seconds later Jadeite felt a whole lot better, being out cold and all.

Jadeite awoke screaming, he'd been doing that a lot lately. His cries of pain echoed above the moans from the others who were strapped to the super-massive war machine.

"You really have to stop doing that!" Spoke the man next to him.

"Huh?"

"I said will you quit passing out and waking up screaming, it's very annoying and I do want to keep my hearing."

"What? Hey listen…er-…" Jadeite snarled looking for his board number.

"J7." He answerd.

"Ya, Whatever. Listen here J7, I didn't want to take any garbage from Queen beryl and I'm certainly not going to take any sh-"

"Queen Beryl, eh?" J7 cut in.

"What about her?"

"My real name is Lyonite, recognize it?" He confided.

"No. How does J7 fit into Lyonite?"

"I don't know, they needed a filler I guess. The guy I used to be next to was named Zebrankey and he was F5!" Lyonite mumbled, attempting to brush hair from his face.

Jadeite narrowed his eyes at him. "Hey, you stole my hairdo…and my uniform, and…and…" Jadeite inquired.

"Ne?"

"Why are you copying me?" He finally whined. And Lyonite was (in a sense). They both had the same hairdo; except Lyonite's hair was black and a little shorter, the same uniform; except he had orange trim on it, and he wore black pants and white boots. But, to top it all off they were about the same height.

"I am not copying you! If you can put two and two together you might figure out that I was once under Beryl's orders until she screwed me over on a Battleship game!" He yelled.

"Oh. You to?"

"Ne? Oh, shut up Jadeite! We have to figure a way off this thing before it's too late!" He commanded in a low voice.

"What are they going to do to us?" Jadeite whispered.

"All we are is a giant human-"

"Actually, somewhat human" Jadeite interrupted, motioning to a really ugly youma next to him.

"Ya. All we are is a giant somewhat human sacrifice strapped to a lot of explosives and sharp things that is going to be set out to sea." He half whispered bitterly.

"Whatever happened to the giant battleship board?" Jadeite asked, a bit confused.

"We're on it." Lyonite whispered in the lowest of voices. That was the last word uttered on the machine before thousands of moans were drowned out once again by the cries Jadeite.

****

"AhahahaHAHAHAhaha!"

"Will you shut up!"

"AhahahaHAHAHAhaha! Why should I? The crystal is mine! I can rule the world!" Zoisite laughed maniacally.

"First of all you need the Star Crystal to find the Ginzuisho- er Imperium Silver Crystal. Second of all Beryl ordered you to alter the crystal so it homes in on Battleship board games, not the crystal." Malachite lectured. Zoisite made a face. "Besides, when did you develop that God awful laugh?"

"I don't have to listen to Queen Beryl. AND I can laugh however I want!"

"Gimme that!" Malachite snarled, snatching the Star Crystal from Zoisite's grasp.

"Hmph."

In a non-descriptive way Malachite altered Zoisites' Crystal to home in on battleship boards. He tossed it back to Zoisite, the frown on his face disappearing. 'Little does he know, the crystal will really find the most amassed amount of capes in the history of the Negaverse…' Malachite thought chuckling to himself.

"Are you coming snookums?"

"Ne?" Shaking off his daydream he teleported away with Zoisite to downtown Tokyo.

Rei's crows circled in the sky threateningly, as the Scouts began their meeting within the safety of the temple.

"Why do you your icky birds have to circle in the sky like that?" Serena whined.

"Will you shut up! We're trying to start a meeting!" Rei snarled back. "And they're not icky!"

"Guys will you pipe down! Ami has some new on the Dar- Negaverse." Luna cut in.

"Ya, can it! I wanna kick some nega-ass!" Lita added. Everyone looked to Ami.

"I…er..Luna…" Ami trailed. She then proceeded to take her supercomuter from her calculator holster and begin to type away. "It says here that there has recently been a large warp in the energy field. If I divide it's mass by the weight of 1/3 of the Ionian moon I can figure out where it centered."

"Ne?" Everyone looked confused and a giant sweat drop appeared on Ami.

"This warp has occurred in- er…" She trailed off. "…that can't be…I must have forgotten to carry the two…maybe it was 2/3 the weight of Alpha Centauri…" She continued to herself.

"Well, where it is anyways?" Mina asked.

"Anyway." Artemis corrected.

"Anyways!"

"Anyway!"

"WAYS!!"

"WAY!!" Artemis shrieked. The to began to brawl, while the others tried to look busy, Ami typing extra hard at her computer.

"GOT IT!" Ami screamed, startling everyone to attention. (Serena was on her third bucket of ice cream, Rei was reading manga, Artemis and Mina were still brawling, Luna was sleeping and Lita was beating up Chad).

"At first my computer read that it had occurred in some Battleship world but by dividing by the weight of…oh forget it, the warp seemed to have happened in Downtown Tokyo, right in front of a store called: 'Cape o' Rama: The Cape People'."

"Hey, I go there all the time." A mysterious voice piped in. Everyone turned to the open window to look at a slightly mauled and scratched Darian.

"Hey, can I join your meeting? The birds out here are scaring me." He spoke in between dives away from the black birds.

"Uhhh…it's girly stuff, you wouldn't like it." Lita replied.

"Awww, come on, I know you guys are the scouts." He added. Darian then proceeded to pass roses around the group. He even gave one to Chad (who was out cold on the floor).

"Oh fine, come in." Rei said all dreamy eyed.

Darian crawled through the window to safety, before one of the birds made another dive at him. "So what are we talking about? Sailor business?" He asked, sitting down cross-legged on the floor.

"Ya, there was a huge energy warp in front of some cape store." Answered Mina, retying her hair.

"So lets book it! No point in letting nega-sleaze trash Tokyo!" Lita declared, standing up.

"No point in being hasty guys," Ami cut in, "We don't even know what we're up against."

"I agree with Ami, I'm not even done my ice-cream yet!" Serena piped in between spoon fulls.

"Shut up guys, I say we go, there's nothing better to do! Mars Power!"

"Jupiter Power!"

"Tuxedo Mask Power!"

Etc. etc.

"To the cape store!" Sailor Venus yelled, pointing a finger in its direction.

"But guys, I'm not even done yet!" Serena whined. Everyone shot her a look. "Uhh… I'll finish later. Moon Prism Power!"

"Um, Sailor Mars, I don't mean to be rude but what about your crows?" Tuxedo Mask inquired.

"Er… Mercury, you're smart, think of something."

"Its not very mathematical…run like hell and catch the bus, it should be here any second." She replied, looking out the window to spy on the birds.

"Okay guys, on the count of three," Sailor Moon said, wiping the chocolate from her face. "…1, 2-…hey! Where'd you guys go?" She wailed, looking around to see the room empty. She looked out the window to see her friends making a mad dash for the bus while Tuxedo Mask threw roses at the birds.

"Wait up!" She yelled, sprinting to the bus. Barely clearing the doors, she made it on and sat down between Jupiter and some old guy giving her a funny look.

"Um guys, aren't we forgetting somebody?" Venus asked, looking through the window at a mauled Cape Boy running frantically after the bus while throwing roses and canes at two birds hot on his trail.

The Star Crystal glowed strangely in Zoisite's hand as he and Malachite stood in front of Cape o' Rama.

"My arse you modified this crystal to find a battleship board game!" Zoisite spat, looking at the glowing crystal in his hand.

"Well maybe they got a shipment in just now in Cape o' Rama." Malachite suggested.

"Oh shut up! We're just going to have to wander around and look for a Toys R Us."

"Fine! Which way? Left or Right?" Malachite asked bitterly.

"Right. The crystal glows less in that direction."

"Hmph!"

The two walked down the street trying to look less conspicuous than they already were. A couple of people threw spare change at Malachite, while a few army officials gave them a salute.

"I really think we need to find less obvious clothing if we're ever going to find a stupid board game." Malachite grumbled between swearing at people giving him weird/snooty looks.

"Do we have any money? Hmm…let me check. NO!" Zoisite snidely remarked.

"We could sell the crystal, it's of no use to us." Malachite suggested.

"What!" He screamed (Malachite obviously said something wrong).

"What ever happened to just blasting people?"

"I could go for that." Malachite agreed. The two stopped at a small cart next to a bus stop selling crappy tourist accessories and post cards. The two went through the whole cart before finding something they liked.

"Hey check it out," Zoisite said excitedly. "I'm some reject American star!" He had a pair of tortoise shell 'movie star' glasses on with a bandana tied around his head, and was smoking one of those French cigarettes.

"No, no check out my disguise!" Malachite said, pulling his glasses down to the end of his nose. He had pair of dark sun glasses on with one of those detective hats on. He had that cliché look.

"Freeze Nega-sleaze!" Cried someone from behind them. The two turned around to see a girl in a green sailor suit and a bunch of other sailor suited pretty soldiers getting off of the bus, when they did; they screamed at the sight of the generals.

"What the hell--" Sailor Moon stammered.

"I don't think it's working." Zoisite mumbled, ripping the glasses and bandana from his face (he kept the cigarette). Suddenly a strange moon backdrop came down with Sailor Moon in front.

"Innocent poor people trying to make a living shouldn't be blasted by the like of you! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"

"Not again" Malachite moaned, rolling his eyes.

"Jupiter Thunderbolts Crash!" The green one yelled, sending it at Zoisite.

"Eeeeek!" Zoisite screamed, "Malachite-snookums, do something!"

"Alright, just get of my back!" He yelled. Zoisite loosened his grip from Malachite's back and hid behind a fire hydrant. Out of the strange mystery of the now deserted Tokyo street came a voice (and a non-existent breeze).

"Like a homicidal nut house patient that stalks people, I am Tuxedo Mask!" Suddenly a strange figure scratched up really bad dressed in a cheap 'rent a tux' tuxedo appeared atop of a street light and began throwing roses, his top hat barely staying on.

"AhahaHAHAhaha! Stupid move Cape Boy, your dead!" Zoisite laughed, standing up and taking a battle stance throwing away his cigarette.

"Hey! What about me?" Came another voice from the street.

"Like a giant ardvark being shot by a British hunter, I am Tuxedo Kamen! Friend of the Sailor Senshi." The exact double of Tuxedo mask number one appeared quite suddenly on top of the very cart the two generals were stealing from.

"Great," Zoisite said, "Now I have two Cape Boys to kill…all the more fun for me!" He stuck his hand out and sent a blast of cherry blossoms at Tuxedo Kamen. Then he caused a cherry tree grow up from under Tuxedo Mask.

"AhahaHAHAHAhaha!" He laughed.

"Will you quit doing that!" Malachite yelled between blasting the scouts. While the whole lot of them attempted to kill each other Rei's crows came from nowhere and began taking dives at everyone.

"Ack! Malachite Help!" Zoisite screamed, throwing assorted objects at the 2 black birds. Malachite ran up to him and blasted an energy ball at the two birds, freezing them.

"Zoisite you know I care for you," He began, grabbing Zoisite's shoulders, "But there comes a time when it's every man for himself!"

With that, Malachite sprinted down the street back the way he came. Zoisite did the same, teleporting away in a fury of cherry blossoms.

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