The Agony column has been an important part of Holmesian plots. From time to time, the HOUNDS themselves post some material for this column within the mailing list. Here is the collection of all of them that I could get my hands on.
NOTE: Most of this material is purely Sherlockian and the non-Holmesian may not make sense of it !

The following have been taken out of the collection of the 'Best of the Hounds' collection on 8th February, 1994 under the heading of 'Unmitigated bleat':

"J. McCarthy, C.A. Milverton & F. Millar: You people don't know what fun you're missing. Smack! Smack! Smack! -- E.R."

"Public Notice: We enjoyed the stark villains in Hatherley's tale. We give it one thumb up. -- Siskel & Ebert"

"Wanted: Information leading to the arrest and conviction of the scoundrel who squirted aniseed all over my brougham. I can't ride anywhere without a pack of draghounds. -- L. Armstrong"

"To the two London gentlemen who stayed in our cottage last March: Could either of you explain the lamp in the brambles? This is a quiet seaside town and we don't approve of irresponsible social gatherings! -- Landlords, Poldhu Bay"

"W.M.: My purchase order to you at 17 King Edward Street was returned by the post office. However, I still need your product. I can't let the team down. Help me stand for God's sake! -- G.S."

"Miss Stapleton: Have bought a beautiful coronet for your jewelery collection. All that remains is to decide on a name for it. -- Henry"

"Master Reginald: Your problem for today is as follows: A person walking along a straight road observes that at two points one unit apart, the angles of elevation (in degrees) of a tree in front of him are 2 and 4. Find the height of the tree. -- Tutors-R-Us"

Go to Index

"Miss V.H, late of the Copper Beeches: Nowadays, when you find yourself lying on your bed trembling all over, do you still think of me? -- Mr. S.H., London"

"Master Reginald: Ignore previous notice. That exercise was meant for Master Sholto. -- Tutors-R-Us"

"Wiggins: Please ask your friends to refrain from playing in the chimney. The sobs of your comrade who got stuck recently were as melancholy as an autumn storm. -- JHW"

"Josiah Amberley: Sorry, once the date of a performance has passed, we do not give refunds for unused tickets. -- Management, Haymarket Theatre"

"Elias Openshaw: I don't understand why my recent letter upset you. -- Kenneth Karl Keating"

"Lost: My best hunting dog and the rabbits he was chasing. Near the Oldacre place. Reply here to NORWOOD HUNTER. Reward"

"Lost: Englishman in prime of life. Rather over six feet, though so lean he seems taller. Gray eyes, dark hair; superior attitude. Last seen in Switzerland. Will answer to "Sherlock", "Captain Basil", "Escot", "Sigerson", et al. Reply here to BOSWELL"

Go to Index

"Barrister Wanted: By gentleman who was injured while watching a football game at the old Deer Park. Injured by player hurled over the ropes. Seeking medical expense plus damages. Call XX 31, ask for "Porky"."

"Mr. Douglas: Enjoy your cruise, but don't go overboard. -- Porlock"

"GRAFFITI removed. Purple pencil a speciality. -- Amberley, Lewisham"

"REMARKABLE adjustable caskets: One size fits all. Contact H. Peters, Australia"

"YOUR HOLINESS: All major parts in the play are filled, but we can give you a cameo role, if you like -- W. Gillette"

"Mrs. Ronder: Cat got your tongue? -- Mrs. Merrilow"

"A. Garcia: Oops. Make that the seventh corridor, first right. Sorry. -- D., Hysteria Lodge"

"Dr. L.S.: Radix pedis diabolis has no sedative value. Try large doses of strychnine instead. -- JHW"

"For Sale: Large green safe, one owner, like new. Apply to Milverton Estate, Appledore"

"G.R.: Your pet is ready for pickup. Herpetology, Inc."

Go to Index

"Agatha: Sorry to hear the cad skipped out on you. Suggest you use the consulting detective that I hired when my Hosmer disappeared -- M.S.."

"Footsore? Can't Hack it? call J. Hope, Central Cab Yard"

"Irene: Will you sing at my wedding? -- C.L. von S.-M."

"Spelling llessons given: Contact D. Llama, Tibet."

"JHW: To whom are you married: me or him? -- MMW"

"Beddoes; Message unclear. I have no hen-pheasants. Please write, with clarification. -- J.T., J.P."

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