"The Book of Chances"


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Chances 2:2 By the seventh millennium Chance had finished the random processes it had been accidentally performing; so on the seventh millennium it rested from all its random processes. Chances 2:3 And Chance had a moment of silence for the seventh day and made it the day after the sixth day and the day before the eighth day, because that's the way the ball bounces. Chances 2:4 This is the account of the relatively known universe and the earth when they happened by Chance. When Chance mistakenly scattered the earth and the relatively known universe - Chances 2:5 and no shrub of the field had yet evolved on the earth and no plant of the field had yet been pushed up, for Chance had not dropped precipitation on the earth and there was no person to accidentally cut small ditches in the ground and drop seeds into it, Chances 2:6 but a giant lawn sprinkler (the kind that goes "tick - tick - tick - tick - tickatickatickatica - tick - tick - tick - tick - tickatickatickatica," etc) evolved from the earth next to a Swiss watch, which itself had previously evolved, and covered the whole surface of the ground with H2O - Chances 2:7 Chance formed a person from the monkey's genetic code and breathed into his nostrils the breath of oxygen, and the man (designation, for the sake or argument, of the highest evolved animal that has an "X" chromosome) evolved into another monkey with greater learning ability but with much less hair (there's always a trade-off). Chances 2:8 Now (again, just a figure of speech, not meant to be thought of as this precise moment in time) Chance had randomly scattered a tropical rain forest in the east, in Eden; and there Chance influenced the person it had evolved to be there through a random set of events and the perplexing need for a more abundant food supply. Chances 2:9 And Chance happened all kinds of trees to pop up out of the ground - trees that caused a great visual stimulus response and relatively good for promoting survival. In the middle of the tropical rain forest were the tree of happenstance and the tree of the knowledge of subjectivism. Chances 2:10 A river accidentally irrigating the garden flowed from Eden; from there it was separated into four other smaller creeks. Chances 2:11 The designation of the first is the Pishon; it winds (not meant to mean that it winds in a circular pattern. This would break all the known suggestions of physics) through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold (chains, watches, anklets, etc). Sale ends Saturday. Chances 2:12 (The gold of that land is maybe good for some but not good for others; resin of a pleasing aromatic stimulus response and onyx not of any aromatic stimulus response whatsoever.) Chances 2:13 The designation of the second river is the Gihon; it winds (see note verse 11) through the entire land (not literally "the entire land" or there would actually be no land at all) of Cush. Chances 2:14 The designation of the third river is the Tigris; it runs (not meant to be taken literally as rivers don't have legs unless they do so by containing fish that are currently evolving into salamanders, but this still wouldn't mean that rivers literally run as animals do) along the east side of Asshur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates. Chances 2:15 Chance took the person and dropped him in the tropical rain forest of Eden to stumble around in it and trash it. Chances 2:16 And Chance commanded the person, "You are commanded by the laws of random cause and effect to accidentally swallow any fruit from just about any particular tree in the rain forest; Chances 2:17 but you probably shouldn't accidentally swallow any fruit from the tree of the knowledge of subjectivism, for when you digest of it you may possibly stop surviving." Chances 2:18 Chance said, "It is maybe good or not good for the person to be alone. I will accidentally cause a helper of equal ability (to equally share in the household chores) who may or may not be suitable for him." Chances 2:19 Now (see note verse 8) Chance had formed out of the ground all the friendly furry pets of the field and all the birds of the air for no particular reason. It influenced them to the person to see what he would arbitrarily designate them; and whatever the person mumbled to each living creature, that was its arbitrary designation. Chances 2:20 So the person arbitrarily mumbled to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the furry pets of the field. But for Adam (an arbitrary designation of this particular person who is believed to have been the first to evolve) no suitable helper was stumbled upon (because none of the helpers thus far were able to cook or do the laundry). Chances 2:21 So Chance caused the person to fall into R.E.M. stage; and while his eyeballs were randomly moving about underneath his shut eyelids, it accidentally ripped out one of the person's ribs and closed up the place with random genetic fleshy material. Chances 2:22 Then Chance evolved a woman (designation, for the sake or argument, of the highest evolved animal that has a "Y" chromosome) from the rib he had accidentally ripped out of the man, and he influenced her to the man. Chances 2:23 The man uttered, "This may or may not be bone of my bone and may or may not be random genetic fleshy material of my random genetic fleshy material; she might later be designated 'woman,' for she may or may not have been taken out of man." Chances 2:24 For some unknown reason a man will get lost from the donors of his genetic code source material and trip and fall down on his wife, and they will - CENSORED. Chances 2:25 The man and his wife were both like hairless monkeys, and they had no opinion about this one way or another. Chapter Three may or may not appear in the next issue. Due to a spontaneously and randomly evolving blind pseudo-chain of events, and for no particular reason, you are victim number:

The Book of Chances

(Note: We suggest reading the "introduction" contained in the first issue in order to understand the context of what is going on here. But if you are an atheist, reading within context may not be a priority - then you might as well just start reading here.)

Chapter Too

Chances 2:1 Thus the relatively known universe and the earth were in some sort of random order in all their vast array.

Chances 2:2 By the seventh millennium Chance had finished the random processes it had been accidentally performing; so on the seventh millennium it rested from all its random processes.

Chances 2:3 And Chance had a moment of silence for the seventh day and made it the day after the sixth day and the day before the eighth day, because that's the way the ball bounces.

Chances 2:4 This is the account of the relatively known universe and the earth when they happened by Chance. When Chance mistakenly scattered the earth and the relatively known universe -

Chances 2:5 and no shrub of the field had yet evolved on the earth and no plant of the field had yet been pushed up, for Chance had not dropped precipitation on the earth and there was no person to accidentally cut small ditches in the ground and drop seeds into it,

Chances 2:6 but a giant lawn sprinkler (the kind that goes "tick - tick - tick - tick - tickatickatickatica - tick - tick - tick - tick - tickatickatickatica," etc) evolved from the earth next to a Swiss watch, which itself had previously evolved, and covered the whole surface of the ground with H2O -

Chances 2:7 Chance formed a person from the monkey's genetic code and breathed into his nostrils the breath of oxygen, and the *man (*designation, for the sake or argument, of the highest evolved animal that has an "X" chromosome) evolved into another monkey with greater learning ability but with much less hair (there's always a trade-off).

Chances 2:8 Now (again, just a figure of speech, not meant to be thought of as this precise moment in time) Chance had randomly scattered a tropical rain forest in the east, in Eden; and there Chance influenced the person it had evolved to be there through a random set of events and the perplexing need for a more abundant food supply.

Chances 2:9 And Chance happened all kinds of trees to pop up out of the ground - trees that caused a great visual stimulus response and relatively good for promoting survival. In the middle of the tropical rain forest were the tree of happenstance and the tree of the knowledge of subjectivism.

Chances 2:10 A river accidentally irrigating the garden flowed from Eden; from there it was separated into four other smaller creeks.

Chances 2:11 The designation of the first is the Pishon; it winds (not meant to mean that it winds in a circular pattern. This would break all the known suggestions of physics) through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold (chains, watches, anklets, etc). Sale ends Saturday.

Chances 2:12 (The gold of that land is maybe good for some but not good for others; resin of a pleasing aromatic stimulus response and onyx not of any aromatic stimulus response whatsoever.)

Chances 2:13 The designation of the second river is the Gihon; it winds (see note verse 11) through the entire land (not literally "the entire land" or there would actually be no land at all) of Cush.

Chances 2:14 The designation of the third river is the Tigris; it runs (not meant to be taken literally as rivers don't have legs unless they do so by containing fish that are currently evolving into salamanders, but this still wouldn't mean that rivers literally run as animals do) along the east side of Asshur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates.

Chances 2:15 Chance took the person and dropped him in the tropical rain forest of Eden to stumble around in it and trash it.

Chances 2:16 And Chance commanded the person, "You are commanded by the laws of random cause and effect to accidentally swallow any fruit from just about any particular tree in the rain forest;

Chances 2:17 but you probably shouldn't accidentally swallow any fruit from the tree of the knowledge of subjectivism, for when you digest of it you may possibly stop surviving."
Chances 2:18 Chance said, "It is maybe good or not good for the person to be alone. I will accidentally cause a helper of equal ability (to equally share in the household chores) who may or may not be suitable for him."

Chances 2:19 Now (see note verse 8) Chance had formed out of the ground all the friendly furry pets of the field and all the birds of the air for no particular reason. It influenced them to the person to see what he would arbitrarily designate them; and whatever the person mumbled to each living creature, that was its arbitrary designation.

Chances 2:20 So the person arbitrarily mumbled to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the furry pets of the field. But for Adam (an arbitrary designation of this particular person who is believed to have been the first to evolve) no suitable helper was stumbled upon (because none of the helpers thus far were able to cook or do the laundry).

Chances 2:21 So Chance caused the person to fall into R.E.M. stage; and while his eyeballs were randomly moving about underneath his shut eyelids, it accidentally ripped out one of the person's ribs and closed up the place with random genetic fleshy material.

Chances 2:22 Then Chance evolved a *woman (*designation, for the sake or argument, of the highest evolved animal that has a "Y" chromosome) from the rib he had accidentally ripped out of the man, and he influenced her to the man.

Chances 2:23 The man uttered, "This may or may not be bone of my bone and may or may not be random genetic fleshy material of my random genetic fleshy material; she might later be designated 'woman,' for she may or may not have been taken out of man."

Chances 2:24 For some unknown reason a man will get lost from the donors of his genetic code source material and trip and fall down on his wife, and they will - *CENSORED*.

Chances 2:25 The man and his wife were both like hairless monkeys, and they had no opinion about this one way or another.

Chapter Three may or may not appear in the next issue.

Due to a spontaneously and randomly evolving blind pseudo-chain

of events, and for no particular reason, you are victim number: