Once upon
a time...
More specifically, somewhere
in the 20th century...
An anthropologist by the name
of Dr. Ricky "The Don" Johanson Ricardo dug up a partial
skeleton. They were beautiful skeletal fragments. He had
never seen anything like them before.
The more he looked at them, the
more he imagined what the creature looked
like when it lived. And the more he imagined "her"
the more he fell in love with "her".
Dr. Ricardo eventually gave her
a name - Lucy.
Ricky daydreams
as he ogles one of Lucy's bones.
Yes, Ricky had been a lonely
(very lonely) anthropologist, but not any more. Now he had Lucy,
and he wanted to share her with everyone. He made sure to tell
them, "I dug Lucy."
He talked about here all the
time. He had artists
draw pictures of how she may have looked some millions of
years ago. The more he stared at the pictures, the deeper his
love grew.
Late one night after Dr. Ricky
fell asleep looking at Lucy's bones, something miraculous occured.
Ricky's fairy godfather, "Father
Time", appeared in the room and feeling the deep love
for Lucy that Ricky had, he made Lucy come to life. Yes, the
dead lifeless matter neatly arranged on the other bed that Ricky
had made for Lucy spontaneously
generated.
(Note: this quick
evolution may make some of you uncomfortable, but a slow
miracle is as unbelievable as a fast one. So then it follows
that quick evolution is as credible as the slow kind.)
Anyway, the next morning Ricky
awoke to the smell of tapir
bacon. Puzzled, he followed the scent trail into the kitchen
of his high-rise apartment.
Inside was his beloved Lucy making
him breakfast.
She had smashed a wooden chair and made an open fire in the middle
of the kitchen floor. But Ricky didn't mind that, he knew he
could teach her how to use the stove.
He was just so overjoyed that
his Lucy was alive that he didn't even hear the fire alarm nor
the other residents screaming as they fled down the fire escape.
Ricky and Lucy got to know each
other in the coming months. Ricky told her that he loved her,
but Lucy didn't understand the concept of love. But she had urges
to be with him and she followed those urges - as we all do.
Lucy and Ricky eventually got
married.
Driving home from
the Justice of the Peace, their friends the
Mertstones sing along with Lucy and Ricky about how he dug her
up.
As time went on and on and on,
as it always does, Ricky and Lucy's relationship evolved. They
grew more comfortable with each other and learned how to communicate
better.
And Lucy grew more comfortable
using appliances.
But something was missing. When
Ricky went to work, Lucy was cooped up inside the tiny apartment
with nothing to do. She had the urge to climb down the building
from her lofty perch and radiate on the ground.
So she did.
This went on for weeks without
Ricky knowing, and one day a fast-talking salesman
who stuttered tricked Lucy into doing something she was pretty
sure she wasn't supposed to.
That afternoon Ricky came home.
Lucy was hiding in the bedroom...
"Looooocy, I'm home."
No answer.
"Lucy?"
Still no answer.
"Lu-" he stopped abruptly
looking around. Ricky noticed that something was different. Then
he figured it out.
"Lucy! Choo get out here
this instant!"
Lucy slowly bipedaled into the
living room. She was hunched over more than usual.
"Choo got some 'splaining
to do, Lucy."
She just looked at him with those
big, really big, bloodshot
brown eyes.
"Don't choo give me that
look. Choo tell me where all this new furn-ture come from."
Her potruding lips started to
quiver and it was really really noticible.
"Don't choo think that we're
going to keep this furn-ture, we can' afford it. And don't think
that choo can run 'round behind me. I dug you up, I can put you
back!"
"Ohhhh, 'ick-yyyy!"
she cried out. "Bwaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" Lucy ran to him
and started to bawl on his shoulder. (Note: Lucy's lower evolved
brain limited her speech,
thus she called him 'icky.)
"Lucy, where
did all this furn-ture come from?!"
Ricky's heart
softened. "There, there," he said while patting her
hairy
back. " It's going to be alright."
Her sobbing subsided. "I
tell choo what I'm going do," he said. "I'll let choo
keep the furn-ture."
"You will, 'ick-y?"
she grunted in a much more pleasing tone. "Keep furn-i-ture?"
"Sure honey. Besides, choo've
all but ruined our other furn-ture anyway."
"Ugh, is won-der-ful, 'ick-y."
"But on one con-d-tion,"
he commanded. "Choo 'ave to get a yob."
"A yob? Eeeeeeeeeeeew!"
she sounded with a curled upper lip.
"That's right, a yob."
"I have
to get a yob?"
Lucy wasn't too keen on getting
a job, but she really liked the new avacado
green furniture with harvest gold trim. So she attempted
several attempts at keeping down a job...
Her first stint was at a chocolate
factory. Ethel joined Lucy in working the conveyor belt line.
Their job was to inspect the candies before being packaged up.
Ethel had a habit of eating them
and this frustrated Lucy. On top of that, the belt moved too
fast for Lucy's eye/hand coordination. This frustrated Lucy as
well.
But worst of all, their supervisor
had a habit of yodelling
behind them and this pierced Lucy's super-sensitive canine-like
eardrums.
One day all of this was happening
at once and it was the last straw. Coming to the conclusion that
new avacado green furniture with harvest gold trim was not worth
all of this, Lucy lashed out in a fit of rage that only an animal
could understand.
Ultimately the company had to
replace the conveyor belt. Ethel couldn't eat solids for a month.
And the supervisor will never be able to talk again, much less
indulge in "hillbilly rapping" (as they call it down
south).
Lucy at the point of no return.
It seems that this "incident"
would have been the end of Lucy. But Ricky's love for her blinded
his better judgement. He had "connections" and the
whole incident was taken care of under
the rug.
An up and coming political upstart
helped Ricky out. His name may have been Fidel,
or something like that.
After things quited down a bit
she got a gig as a spokesperson for a liquid nutritional supplement
company. Lucy was picked by the president of the company because
she looked strong and fit.
Very srong and fit.
However, the director was another
story.
He didn't care for the way she
looked - her body hair, her masculine build, her perpetual Klingon-like
frown. For him she was all wrong, but the
"prez" liked her so he had to work with her (or
pretend that he was trying to).
The director kept making her
do take after take after take. Basically he was trying to make
her grow tired of the whole thing hoping she would give up. But
being the animal that she was, this repeating of the repetitive
repitition was right up her alleyway.
Finally in frustration,
after hours of attempted psychological manipulation, the director
called it quits claiming that he couldn't work with someone like
Lucy. An observant assistant suggested to the director, "Let's
use that little old lady," pointing towards the snack table.
"That
little old lady, who?" asked the director.
That sounded a whole like yodelling
to Lucy. And with about a gallon and a half of nearly toxic Vitameatavegamin
coursing through her veins and pumping into her brain stem, well,
let's just say that Ricky had another "chocolate incident"
on his hands that he needed cleaning up.
"That little
old lady, who?"
Fidel, or whatever his name,
was only so happy to help out again.
Well, it seems that THAT would
have been the end for Lucy's excursion into the yob market. But
as fate, or rather "chance", would have it, she was
noticed by one of the survivors of her last gig as having high
potential for the "modelling"
scene.
No, not for California calendars
or Paris runways, but rather for Museums of Natural History.
She had the perfect build and
look (so despised by the last director) to serve as a model for
pre-human (proto-human hominid) sculptors.
Lucy's ship had finally come
in.
She and her hominid modeling
career fit like a banana in a peel. She gained fame and notariety
as the premier human
ancestor model. Sure, there were modern day women who gave
her a good run for her money, but Lucy was the benchmark - the
top of her field.
But even with all this success,
there was something missing in Lucy's life. She couldn't quite
put her muscle-bound finger on it. It plagued
her for months.
Then one day she finally figured
it out...
That afternoon when Ricky got
home Lucy approached him.
"icky?" she asked.
"Yes, Lucy" he replied
while grabbing for the paper and sitting down in his avacado
green chair with harvest gold trim.
"Me want baby."
"Ay caramba! What did choo
say?"
"Me want baby,
'icky."
Ricky then wove a tapestry of
Spanish until he eventually ran out of breath. That was the chance
that Lucy had to say her piece.
"I Luv 'icky."
That was it. Ricky's heart and
defenses had melted. He agreed that they could start a family.
Lucy was so overjoyed that she
hopped up on his lap and smothered him with hugs and kisses.
She nearly crushed his arm and broke his neck while doing this,
but he recovered (mostly) and they began "planning"
their family.
"Yes
Lucy, we can make a baby."
Seven months later (because Lucy's
lower-evolved gestation period was quicker being that she was
more on the "r" end of the "r-K" scale) the
proud parents were parents of a brand new spanking
(though they didn't believe in that) baby boy.
They named him Richard Leakey
Ricardo - "Little Ricky" for short.
The years flew by and Little
Ricky grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew a thick
lustrous head of hair (and he grew smarter as well).
"Daddy?" he said one
day.
"Yes, my little babaloo?"
"Have you ever noticed that
mommy walks using her nuckles?"
This caught big Ricky off guard.
"Como?" he said with raised eyebrows.
"Have you ever noticed that
mommy walks using
her nuckles?" Little Ricky repeated.
Ricky sat stunned at what his
first-birthed male offspring was suggesting. But upon reviewing
the last few years with her, he realized that he did notice that
she walked on her nuckles but hadn't accepted it for one reason
or another.
Little Ricky continued, "And
did you also notice that mommy is missing
most of her head too?"
This was like opening the flood
gates for Ricky Grande's subconscience. It was all so clear now,
but this frightened him.
"Looooooocy!" he screamed
as he ran to the bedroom. This is where Lucy had been practicing
her "action poses" for the new 'Dawn of Man' exhibit
planned for the local museum of natural history.
As Ricky entered the bedroom
his fears were validated - Lucy was gone.
All that was left were her bones
neatly
arranged on her bed.
At first Ricky thought "rapture,"
but then remembered that he was an atheist and quickly shoved
the rapture thought out of his mind.
Ricky came back to the realization
that Lucy had not been real. She had been merely a figment of
his imagination. But then another thought crept into his mind...
"What does this mean for
Little Ricky? If his mother was not real then that means - oh
no!" he exclaimed running back into the living room where
Little Ricky had been.
As he entered he saw Little Ricky
fading away into nothingness. "Little Ricky!" he shouted
as the boy disappeared.
"Write me," Little
Ricky shouted back.
Then he was gone. Ricky stood
there stunned at what all had happened.
He also noticed that the new
avacado green furniture with harvest gold trim that he hated
so much had disappeared too. But this was little consolation
because he realized that he had been delusional about so much
for so long.
The melencholy shell of a man
meandered back into the bedroom, plopped on Lucy's bed, hugged
her bones, and curled up in a fetal position and cried as he
longed for Lucy to be real again...
Picture
a man.
A man who's worldview has come tumbling down.
Ricky
had built his own world of imagination.
A world of self governance built on a foundation of denial.
A denial of evidence which is clearly seen.
But
Ricky's world was more than a product of his mind.
It was the longing of his heart.
A heart that is evil and wicked.
His
desires crossed the boundaries of imagination.
Far beyond the limits of his brain waves.
He
had entered...
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