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Well, now you're back and a bit heavier carrying a load of fetal tissue that is just itching to change location - we can't wait to catch it and see what it looks like!
We're not going to bore you with all the details of child birth. You've probably already watched the process on a cable station somewhere while eating a bag of cheese puffs and downing a 2 liter of generic store-brand soda.
But once you've given birth and it has come out, we will stare at it for a while, talk some under our breath, then wipe it off and place it into an incubator-like-thing to see if it survives for the first thirty minutes or so.
It.
If it lives after that, then we roll the cart bedside where you can get a good look at what just came out of you so that you can judge it.
If you decide that it's a keeper, we label it a "baby" and put money, time and energy into sustaining its existence.
If the sight of it does not bring you pleasure and you decide that it's a reject, then we label it as "external fetal tissue" and make other arrangements.
Note: The cart is on wheels, so it can immediately be turned around so that you won't have to keep looking at it. Remember, out of sight - out of mind!
Whassup?!
Don't worry if you produced a reject - all is not lost.
We have a recycling program.
That's right. There are a number of things that can be done with it to benefit society. Maybe we can extract some radiation to be used on your next procedure (of course this will be partially credited to your account).
And if you can't make up your mind about the it/child right away, don't worry. We have a thirty day no-questions-asked return policy on all newborns. We even pick up at your home - just call ahead and leave it on the curb.
But let's not dwell on the negative. Just think about the good that can possibly come to you from birthing a keeper. You'll be the talk and envy of the neighborhood (just be sure to tell them about our program here at D.S.B.).
Let's continue focusing on the positive by reading a couple of testimonies from two mothers who successfully went through our program (experimental at the time) and finally produced some keepers...
Ginger Higgenbotham
Texas City, TX
I just want to say that I used to worry about my future child and how others would judje me for how it came out. I knew this would be the measure of the genes that I have and inhereted from my parents and preceding ancestors.
The family pressure was on me to not produce a dork.
But thanks to the new program at D.S.B., (and maybe all the chemical factories that surround my neighborhood as well) I produced a baby that I and my family could be proud of. After pointing out the positives to others (as shown to me by the fine DSB staff), they have all warmed up to little "Trey" and are now jealous of me.
Thank you Evolution, and thank you Darwinus St. Bogus!
Ginger and Trey Higgenbotham
(Both/all doing just fine.)
Sunshine
New York, NY
I'm a big time free spirit and free thinker who loves to experiment with life and all it has to offer. I heard about the program at D.S.B. and thought, "Why not?" It all made sense to me seeing that I believe that evolution is true and so I went for it.
Now I look down on people from my high-rise apartment and know that I was on the forefront of the next evolutionary catapult of man to god-like status - all thanks to my towering intellect plus the program at DSB.
Knowing that I contributed to society gives me comfort that I will have passed something on to humanity beyond my death - at least as long as I'm conscious it will.
Thank you genetic mutations. And thank you Darwinus St. Bogus Neo-Darwinian Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology and Maternity Ward with State-Of-The-Art Research Center and Gift Shop!
Sunshine holding "Omega-Child"
Finally, as a show of appreciation for giving us a try (and another way to make you feel good about all this) we'll give you the following plush toy from our gift shop (at a discounted price)...
Glows in the dark!
Well there you have it. No more excuses. Come on down and we'll get cracking on your reproductive organs.