Tell her honestly, straight from your heart, exactly what you just told me - that you love her and don't want to see her Christian walk hurt by being "unequally yoked" (see previous letter #5 for more information on why and how this can hurt). The dating relationship has a tremendous impact on people, and while she can impact the gentleman she is dating, he can impact her too, and being a new Christian, the latter is more likely. Do not bring up the subject of jealousy, but if she brings it up, let her know that you are concerned for her and her future, and love her as a friend, and as no more than a friend.

#32:

Dear GoodyGoody-
Two years ago I made a committment to God that I wouldn't date until I found someone I could be compatible for marriage with. Last week two guys asked me to date seriously and I turned them down. I want my motives to stay pure, and I want to stay true to God. The only trouble is that I have admired another person for quite some time and the idea of dating this other person is overpowering my will to stay true. At times, I think I have control, and other times I feel as though I will explode if I don't date. Even my parents encourage me to date! My heart and head are battling and I'm not sure which one will win!! Please help. thanks!

I think that the first question you need to ask yourself is "why not?" No, I'm not encouraging you to date, I'm asking you why you made the decision in the first place. There are a number of good reasons to make the decision not to date. First is the idea that *everything* is being saved for your husband, not just sexually, but emotionally and mentally. How would you feel if you and your husband one day accidentally bump into an ex? To think that some of what you share with your husband, you once shared with another person. There are also the social pressures for sexual intimacy and other immoral behaviour within a dating relationship, and the bible tells us to "flee temptation" right? There are also the reasons you see everyday, all the tears and pain over breakups. Nothing in a dating relationship is totally stable, as it is within marriage, because there is a total lack of commitment. I think Nathan Bailey (1) said it best: "Dating happens lots of times, and ends in many hurts, heartbreaks, scars, and if you're lucky, a partner that just may stay with you for the next few years, or (if you're really lucky) the rest of your life."

So the question now becomes "what do you do in the meantime?" You can still engage in friendly outings with the opposite sex, as long as it is understood that there is no romantic purpose. When you are approached to enter a dating relationship you need to explain to the person what you told me, that you will not "date" until there is an intent to marry, but are willing to hold a good friendship with the person so that the two of you can get to know each other better, and see how things progress from there. Know why you are doing this. Not just this but anything - when you know your purpose, your reason for your activities, it makes you stronger standing against temptation.

Here's a few resources you might find helpful!

1-http://www-personal.monash.edu.au/~nate/christianity/courtship/
Christian Courtship Resources

2-http://www.oocities.org/heartland/8803/nodating.htm
Comparisons of Dating, Courtship, and Scriptural Betrothal

3-http://www.oocities.org/Heartland/Prairie/5894/
The Dating Dilemma

4-http://www.newattitude.com/~joshuah/jstfrnds.htm
"Just Friends in a Just Do It World" an article by Joshua Harris, the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

#33:

Dear GG:
I am 16 and have been working almost full time (I’m homeschooled) at a video store in a small resort town. I loved my job dearly and became extremely close with the owners of the store who are Christians. We have been having problems at home for awhile now and I began to ask my employers about their faith and through a time they showed me the Lord. My parents are New Age believers and are strongly against Christ. Recently, my parents told me that I needed to make everyone happy and we needed to make a plan of how to do that. I came back with a few things that I thought would help, having “family time” and so on. My last request was that I be aloud to attend church. This flipped my parents out, with them saying that my employers “brainwashed” me and lots of other horrible things. They have since stopped me from working at my job. This has torn me apart. I love my bosses dearly and they have helped me in my walk with Christ. My mother has since told me that I can move out before I am 18 if I finish my high school diploma (which I was going to do anyway). I am still a very new Christian and I need support and love. I have talked my parents into letting me go to a Christian church which is wonderful, but I don’t know anybody and it’s hard to make progress. As I am not aloud to even talk to my former employers and friends or even say goodbye things are very difficult right now. As soon as I finish my high school degree I want to move out and I know that I can have my job back. But I am living in a very hostile environment right now, and I am cut off from all of my friends and support ( all of my real friends worked with me.) So it is a very testy time. I don’t want to disobey my parents but I do think that what they have done is wrong. If you have any advice or comforting words, please let me know. I am just starting to get excited about all that I am learning and I can’t share it with anyone.

Right now there's not much you can probably do to change your parents mind except comply with their wishes as much as is sinlessly possible. That means if they want you to stay home from church one day, you don't make a fuss, just stay home and use the time constructively. If they want to keep you from work, use that extra time to work towards graduation! But never make too big of a fuss if they aren't asking you to sin, because your compliance will show them that you are mature; mature enough to act properly when they make excessive demands of you, mature enough to make your own decisions, and mature enough to want God's will for your life. As you continue to work through the trials, and towards the goal of freedom, keep a happy outlook, because as Paul said in Philippians 3, "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things." Then in Romans 5, "Not only so, but we also [should] rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." So continue persevering through what is required of you until you have obtained your present goal of freedom!

#34:

I'm an 18 year old guy, and I've been with this girl for a while, and we've become really close emotionally. She's younger, still in high school, and she's got many pressures at home. Somehow, this family raised the most kind, sensitive, loving person I've ever met. I'm quite in love with this girl, and every time she told me about these problems, every time I saw her siblings insult her, a piece of me hurt too. But I stayed out of it, just gave her my advice. It's her family, I figured.

Then summer ended, and I had to go to college. I'm about 300 miles from her, and my leaving really added to her stress. I didn't want her hurting, but at least I felt that she loved me, and that I would always have someone. I'm one of those people that's very emotional too, and I can't really be alone, in that sense, so knowing she was there was such a wonderful thing. It gave me such strength inside. Then, more and more problems started mounting up, she stopped eating for a week, started cutting herself with blades, and got really sick. Although I couldn't be there to comfort her, she was always on my mind, and I called her, e-mailed her, and chatted with her every chance I could get, to make sure she knew that above all else, I loved her.

I guess to some people, that just means more than it does to others. She wrote me, and told me that she couldn't have a relationship right now, that it was just too stressful, and that she needed time to figure it all out. Being the kind of person that thinks couples draw strength from each other to get through their problems, this hurt me deeply. But being aware of the stress she's under at home, I bided by her wishes, and I don't call her as much, and she never calls me. It hasn't been like this for too long, over two weeks maybe. But it feels like years already. And the worst part is, she told a mutual friend of hers that she won't be ready for a relationship for a very long time.

I love God, I pray, I give thanks constantly. I feel that my maker and I have a good relationship. I don't believe he's punishing me, but I do feel a bit like Job. Job lost everything in his life and my girlfriend was/is the most important thing in my life besides God. I've been wondering if God's doing the same to me as to Job, testing our faith by taking from us our favorite things in life. I was told by a reverend friend of mine that God might be doing this to get closer to me, that God doens't want me to love anything more than Him. And while I do put God before girlfriend in practice, it is true that she touches me more deeply that even God. In my mind, I know God will always be there, but in my heart, I can't help but love her a little bit more. Do you think God might be trying to undo that, by putting this obsticle in our way?

Also, I've been so lonely here a college. I don't want friends, I don't want "new activites to get my mind off things". I've tried that. Without my girlfriend, I feel incomplete. I've tried to allow God to fill that void in me, but it's just not working, especially since I suspect that he might be doing this intentionally. I mean, if he did it to Job....

If this relationship doesn't work, I'm seriously giving up on dating altogether, because it's just been too hard to start over again after things like this.

Have you thought that she may have deeper problems than you are prepared or able to handle? If she has many family problems, she may have deep emotional scars. If this is the case, be her friend. She may not be able to handle a romantic relationship right now, but everyone needs a friend. Keep contact going, and let her know that because you love her more than anything in the world, you want only what's best for her, and if that's to not be dating right now, then so be it! With the holidays here, you will probably have a nice chance to be home for a while, and you might like to spend some time with her. Again, with no romantic purpose, just to be a friend, just to listen, just to be together.

While it is possible that God is allowing you to be tested, what is more possible is that he is endeavouring to draw the both of you closer to Him. Is your friend a Christian? You may consider attending church together, having bible studies, etc., because God ought to be at the center of every relationship, be it romantic or otherwise. This will keep your relationship with God growing right alongside the relationship with your friend. Every relationship has three parts. "Me," "You," and God. (pardon the poor ANSI art)

                             God
                            /   \
                           /     \
                          /       \
                         Me_______You

If either you or your friend begins to grow towards or away from God, then there will be a profound effect on the way the two of you view each other, and on the way you relate to one another.

               God                        God
         (1)  /   \         OR    (2)    /   \
            Me__   \                    Me___You
                \__ \
                   You

In your growing towards God, either (1) she will view the both of you as farther away from her and therefore feel alienated, or (2) she will be drawn closer to the both of you. Regardless, God will work his will in her heart, and will put each of you where he wants you in his plan. Just remain open to his leading, and keep the lines of friendship and communication open with a loving attitude towards your friend.

#35:

Hello, I am a 19 year old college student. I have been a Christian since an early age and attended Christian school my whole life. I was attending a Christian College but because of finances I am now attending a small secular community college. I work at the college in the evenings and have met a lot of guys. I have always prayed for my future husband to be a Christian and a spiratual leader. However I recently started dating a guy who is not a Christian. He went to a Catholic high school and while he is not a devout Catholic he doesn't want to even come to my church. He says he believes in God and he Believes Jesus died on the cross to open the gates of Heavan and that he believes he is going to heaven but I feel like he missed a step. We are becoming closer and closer and now we are boyfriend and girlfriend and I really do not want to break up with him. Half of my Christian friends and my Mother say I should not be going out with him. While other people say that just because he does not want to call himself a Christian does not mean he is necessarily going to hell and God probably put him in my life for a reason. I did give him a clear plan of salvation but didn't really get any reaction. I am falling in love with him and I am torn between what I should do. I have never been faced with this before. I feel like God is torturing me because Shawn is perfect for me in every way except he may not be a Christian. I normally would not be so upset but I am in between churches right now and feel like maybe I am so backslidden that I am not saying the right things to him.

Why doesn't he want to be called a "Christian?" is it due to a dislike of labels, because of a bad experience with the church, or because of the stigma attached to organized religion by the popular culture? Whatever it is, he is on the right track, believing the basics of Christian theology: God is, Jesus died, and we can be forgiven and reach God & His heaven. Does he believe that he can and will go to heaven because of Jesus' death? If so, then label or no label, he is a child of God, and should attempt to live a Christlike (root of the word "Christian") or Godly life. Problems surrounding the church may be part of a deep, and possibly repressed, wound. You might continue to encourage him to attend church with you, to grow in his faith and love for God. Continue to be his friend, continue (with caution) to date him if you see fit, but I must strongly caution you not to make a commitment to this man until you are certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is committed to the same values that you are.