You wrote asking for advice on step parenting. I don't know if I really have much to offer, but here goes.
At first my stepson and I got along great- he was 4 when Steve and I married; but lately things have been pretty rough especially since our daughter was born 2 years ago. My step son is now almost 11 and rushing headlong into adolescence. I am not sure I am ready for that(what parent really ever is).

For me the most difficult thing is loving him as my own and having to share him with his mother and stepfather. The lifestyles at our two households are quite different and thus accepted/forbidden behaviors are different. I try to be fair and not say anything that would give him the idea that I think his other parents are jerks- but I get so frustrated sometimes. That is when I try to let him know that I love him and I know it is not the easiest situation for him to have 2 almost completely different sets of rules. I really have some expectations for him that I think would be much more realistic if he lived with us all the time, so I'm trying to chill out and come up with some possible compromises.

I do have some advice for you- I heard this on a self-help tape about stepparrenting:

• Make sure that your wife to be and you discuss ahead of time what will happen when it comes time to discipline the kids.
  
• Make sure she knows where you stand and that you know where she stands.
  
• Stick together- back each other up (especially you back her up).
  
• The idea behind getting married should be to spend the rest of your life with that person- your kids are going to grow up and have families of their own- but your spouse is to be your lifemate.

One thing I think we have been good about, is being flexible about switching weekends and being there for my step son at school events, and working things out so he could be on a couple of sports teams and in the boyscouts. These are sometimes a pain in the rear since we live about an hour and a half from his mom and all of these activities. But it is worth it so that he can do these things that his friends are doing.

Thanks for the opportunity to share the stepmom's point of view. I think your web-page will be helpful to many people.

Marcia

Congratulations for taking your hurt and frustration and turning it into something positive! My husband and I have now been together for 10 yrs. His x-wife moved 1,200 miles away shortly after the divorce. The heartache I have seen him go through can't be put into words. We have only 6 wks of visitation during the summer and go through hell the rest of the time trying to keep in touch with them. I have several things to say that I think the readers of this site could benefit from.

1. The right think to do for your children, who are the main ones affected, is to never give up! It is true as the father you are unfortunately going to have to go to great lengths to prove to your kids, your lawyer, the counselors, and most of all the judge what it is you stand for. My husbands boys are now 11, and 13. Our drive to continue to be honest with them, love them and help to deal with all of the many related issues of divorce is paying off. They are starting to see the writing on the wall. There mother failed to take into consideration that the babies she could make believe anything would grow up to be able to think for themselves. As a mother I do feel for her, her inability to deal with her anger from a short marriage will only hurt her in the end. YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR HOUSEHOLD NOT HERS, THAT NEEDS TO BE YOUR FOCUS.
   
   
2. I would like to share the name of an organization that I think all of the readers of this site could benefit from: The Stepfamily Association of America,Inc 650 Jay St. Suite 205 Lincoln, NE 68508 1-800-477-STEP This is a great organization which provides info. in a Quarterly newsletter. As a member you also receive discounts on great books! I recently started a chapter in South Dakota called South Dakota Stepfamilies. There are support groups in many states throughout the U.S. Call the National Office for more info!
   
   
3. There is a great new book out called FATHER'S RIGHTS, BY JEFFRY LEVING who is a lawyer. Anyone who has ever had visitation problems should read this book!

Keep up the great work, by the year 2000 there will be more step-families than non stepfamilies. You are providing a huge service and means of support for all these Divorced Dads.

The Nash's