February, 1998

Not much of a change to report in Michael but a pretty big one to report in me. You see, I've come to a realization here lately and it's made things alot easier for me to accept. I was under the misguided impression that the Ritalin was going to be this amazing cure-all that was going to change Michael for the better despite himself. With that thought in my head, everytime he'd do something that went against the "normal" way of behavior I'd get even more frustrated and upset. I've finally realized that while the Ritalin does help redirect Michael it isn't going to make him someone that he's not. I also have realized that while I always love him I don't have to always like him. I would get so angry and hurt at something that he had done and that "I don't like you" feeling would start to creep in. I would be horrified at it and think "I am the world's worst mother for not liking my child". Last week's "trauma" is when I figured out my great realizations. Michael wanted to wear a white sweatshirt to school but both of his were so stained and nasty from his eating habits in the lunchroom and his habit of rolling around in the dirt on the playground that he took mine out of the dryer instead and had his jacket on before his daddy saw what he was wearing to school. When I found my shirt in the hamper with ketchup, mustard and dirt stains all over the front, back, sleeves, and even under the arms I knew in my heart who had worn it (especially since it was rolled up in a pair of dress pants that Michael had gotten for Christmas that suddenly no longer had knees in them). When I walked in the boys room and asked who has worn my shirt I wasn't surprised when he said "me". A further inspection showed that the new jacket he got for Christmas was also stained almost beyond recognition. When I asked him why he had worn my shirt he replied "I thought it was mine". Yeah right! The shirt came down to his knees and the sleeves did too but he thought it was his. What happened to the pants? "I don't know...I didn't notice the holes in the knees". They were as big as my fist but he didn't notice? The jacket? "I didn't notice that either". The worst part was his attitude. It was painfully obvious that he really didn't care that he had ruined not only his own clothes but mine too. I felt it coming..."I don't like you". I started to go through the guilt for thinking that when it dawned on me that I don't have to like him all the time. That doesn't make me a bad mother. It makes me human.

April 29, 1998

The more things change the more they stay the same. We're back into the cycle of breaking the rules and lying about it, and trying to get the other kids in trouble for what he's done. Jennifer has asked several times now when we were going somewhere as a family if we couldn't "leave Michael with someone" so he doesn't embarrass her. The other boys just flat don't want to have anything to do with him and Brian and I are at our wits end. Michael has pulled some stunts that are so blatently cruel and hateful here lately that we are at the point where we're staying up late asking each other "what can we possibly do that we haven't already tried?" I am starting to question whether I'm equipped to handle Michael anymore and that scares me. We decided last night (actually early this morning) that since counseling hasn't done much good for him maybe it will help us. Neither of the therapists that he's seen has even suggested that perhaps Brian and I might need some help...or the rest of the family...in being able to cope with Michael's problems. Maybe seeing someone who doesn't know us, doesn't know Michael, doesn't have a personal stake in this and doesn't have an ADHD child of their own will help us. Something just has to. Michael's becoming more blatent in his lies and alot of agression is coming out again. Phrases like "blow your head off", "cut your neck off" and "kill you" come out daily in his play and interaction with other kids. We monitor what the kids (especially him) see on tv so closely that we know it's not coming from that....just seems like aggression is in his blood. I'm not sure if a family counselor can help us or not...but it's the only thing that we haven't tried.

June 18, 1998

Summer is here and (knock on wood) so far so good. I'm trying to stay on top of things and keep something of a schedule for the both the kids sake and for my own sanity.
We still have our ups and downs... our I forgot's... our I didn't thinks but compared to the school year that's minor. I can live with that!

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