|
Overview
Collection #1
Collection #2
Collection #3
Collection #4
Collection #5
Collection #6
Collection #7
Collection #8
Collection #9
Collection #10
Collection #11
Collection #12
Collection #13
Collection #14
Collection #15
Collection #16
Collection #17
Collection #18
Collection #19
Collection #20
Collection #21
Collection #22
Collection #23
Collection #24
This site is created by Ivan Choe. |
|
||Back|| ||Next||
Joke #1
AFTER the last race a bloke who stuttered slightly approached a bookmaker
who had a winning day.
"Excuse me, I bbbacked a fivett..."
The bookie was sharp. "There was no fivetoone winners, mate, nick off."
The bloke persisted. "I bbbacked a fivett."
"Look," said the bookie, "I've had a good day. Here's a fiftynote. Now nick
off."
The punter shrugged his shoulders with resignation, accepted the note,
walked over to his mate and said. "That bookie's a nice bloke. I tried to
tell him I backed a fiveton truck into his Rolls Royce, and he gave me
fifty dollars."
THE lads had arranged to go fishing on Sunday morning. All turned up on
time except Fred. He finally arrived ten minutes late. "What kept you?"
they asked.
'It was a tossup if I went to church or joined you blokes fishing."
"Well, that shouldn't have taken you long."
"I had to toss up 23 times."
WHEN the welldressed gambler left the club he was accosted by a
downandouter who asked him for a few dollars for a meal.
The gambler took pity. "Come inside and I'll buy you a beer."
"No, I don't drink," said the man.
"Well, how about a cigar?"
"No, I don't smoke."
"Well, I know a certainty tomorrow. I'll put a $100 on it for you."
"No. Just a few dollars for food," insisted the man.
"Then come home with me for a meal. I want my wife to see what happens to a
man who doesn't drink, smoke or gamble."
Two London gamblers were on holiday in Italy and visited the Vatican. They
were the last to leave the Cistene Chapel and happened to see a white robed
figure fall down some stairs. They recognised him as the Pope and he was
stone dead.
The first Vatican authorities on the scene begged them not to say anything
for 24 hours. There were worldwide implications. The two gamblers agreed.
After all, they were flying home that night.
On the plane one of them had a brilliant idea. "As soon as we land I am
going straight to Ladbrokes and getting great odds on the life of the
Pope."
"Sounds like a great idea," said Paddy, his mate.
It was two days before the Pope's death was announced and the first gambler
made a clean up.
"And what about you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Nothing at all," admitted Paddy. "I took the Pope in a double with the
Archbishop of Canterbury."
Now you know why foreign people find life in America so confusing!
We take English for granted,
but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that...
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple...
English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out,
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Jokes above by Renato Ditomo
Types of Government
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all
the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for
by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care
of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for
keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you
vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and
they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
deduction forkeeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all
seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you
kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from
milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and
denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of
"ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant
past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of
nonspecified gender.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
||Back|| ||Next||
|