What follows is the movie, word for word.
Narration performed by George Burns, and the action, songs, subtitles
and (minimal) dialogue that accompany it. If (for some odd reason)
you want to print it out, it's approximately 10-12 pages.
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KEY:
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ST= Subtitle that appears onscreen in
scene
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Dialogue is in
blue.
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Stage directions,
action, and character names are in black.
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Sound links are underlined. Sound
formats on sound
page. They are 8 mHz and
should auto-play on your browser when clicked.
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The movie opens on soldiers fighting [ST "The tiny village of
Fleu de Coup"]
MR. KITE (George Burns):
The war to end all wars did not end soon
enough, so Heartland USA sent the allies its most effective secret
weapon...Sgt. Pepper, and his Lonely Heart's Club Band.
We hear a marching band version of the Theme
Song, we see the band marching through the town. The soldiers lay
down their arms and listen.
For music above and beyond the call of duty,
Sgt. Pepper was awarded the coveted Golden Eagle
(official version of Theme
plays). Heartland was proud of its
famous sergeant, but more than that they delighted in knowing that he
remained a good, simple small town boy. Every time Sgt.Pepper played
the world danced. They danced through the roaring
20's (flapper version of Theme is played
- Heartland flappers dance),
...the depression (square dance
version),
...economic recovery (soft band version,
affluent Heartlanders dance),
...and yet another great war (version a
la Bugle Boy of Co. B, SPLHCB & three women dancers entertain the
troops).
And for some 50-odd years, Heartland's feet tapped to the beat of
Sgt. Pepper's magical music. How do you honor someone who had done so
much to make so many people so happy? Heartland decided to erect a
Sgt. Pepper weather vane on top of our city hall. It would always
point the way to happiness. And as mayor, I presided over the
ceremony. At the end, Sgt. pepper assured us that he would play us
one more tune. (we see the unveiling
ceremony, Sgt. Pepper has a heart attack playing the opening line of
Theme and falls over, dead).
Ah well. August 10, 1958. A day none of us will ever forget. To the
town of Heartland, he left his musical instruments. These instruments
have the power to make dreams come true, and as long as they remained
in Heartland's care, humanity would live happily forever after. Sgt.
Pepper left his wholesome grandson, Billy Shears, his cherished
Golden Eagle. This made Billy's stepbrother, the greedy Dougie
Shears, very jealous indeed (we see a
young Billy receive the medal, a young Dougie sticks his tongue out
at Billy).
Sgt. Pepper then asked Billy to form a new Sgt. Pepper's Lonely
Heart's Club Band. This band would feature Billy's three best
friends; Mark, Dave & Bob Henderson
(we see the three as
boys).
We wondered if there would ever be a new Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's
Club Band, and we wondered what the new band would sound like. Dougie
appointed himself their business manager and introduced the band in
his own unique way.
The Theme (soundtrack version) begins.
Introduction ("20
yrs. ago today...")
by Paul Nicholas as DOUGIE. The Bee Gees
sing Sgt. Pepper's Theme as the HENDERSONS/ LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND.
As Dougie sells glossies of the band, BILLY (Peter Frampton) kisses
his girlfriend, STRAWBERRY (Sandy Farina), and runs to the stage to
sing "A Little Help from My Friends". The crowd loves them. Dougie
tries to hit on Strawberry, she pushes him away and goes to stand on
the gazebo with the band to watch them perform.
MR. KITE:
Heartland loved the boys, and the boys
loved music. Billy & Strawberry loved each other. And Dougie
loved making money. But on that memorable day a telegram arrived that
was destined to change their lives. (an
elderly Western Union Messenger arrives on bicycle)
DAVE (in MR. KITE's voice):
It came from B.D. Hoffler (Brockhurst?),
the president of Big Deal Records, world's largest, most successful
record company. "We
hear your music is great, stop. We need a tape of your songs and we
need it now, stop. And if we like your music, we'll make you
superstars and the money will never stop, stop. Signed B.D. Hoffler,
Hollywood"
The crowd cheers.
MR. KITE: A
long, long way from Heartland. How about that, superstars from
Heartland. Who could be more deserving? Wouldn't Sgt. Pepper be
proud? Just think, superstars...who could be more
deserving...hmm...
A daydream sequence begins, MR. KITE sings
"Fixing
a Hole" to the town, just like the
Band did. Then he sings for real, singing to and with two 7 yr. old
girls. The closing count off leads into...
DAVE (counting off):
1--2--1-2-3-4
to SPLHCB in a barn with a tape deck,
doing "Getting Better, a false start at first due to feedback
trouble, but then the full version, over which we see a bus arrive
into town, [ST "ENTER MR. MUSTARD, AN EVIL EX-REAL ESTATE
AGENT."] The weather vane points in the opposite direction, and
Mr. Kite, sensing danger, picks up a billy club. Inside the bus/van,
we see Mr. Mustard (Frankie Howerd) looking at the band through a
telescope, then turning on a big screen, focusing on Strawberry
[ST "TRUE LOVE."]. The screen dissolves, and a computer voice
demands as the words appear:
FVB: Keep
your mind on business.
Take
over Heartland.
(sound file hunters note: these are two
seperate quotes)
COMPUTERETTES (Mustard types into one
Computerette's keyboard/chest):
Why?
FVB (as words appear on the screen):
We
hate love, we hate joy, we love
money...money...money...money
Song continues as we see B.D. and LUCY &
the DIAMONDS (Donald Pleasence, Dianne Steinberg, and Stargard)
getting the band's press packet in LA, dancing to their music and
filing their promo photo, when Lucy points out to the Diamonds that
Billy is hers.
Song ends, and the Western Union guy pulls
up to the barn on a boat (the barn apparently sits on the bank of a
pond). Billy reads the telegram.
MR. KITE: Big
Deal lost no time in responding. The telegram read:
BILLY (with MR.
KITE's V.O): "B.D.
loves your music, B.D. loves you. Expects you in Hollywood tomorrow,
signed B.D."
MR. KITE:
Everybody was happy. But Strawberry
realized that she and Billy would be separated for the first time in
their young lives. There was barely time for tender
farewells.
Instrumental "Long and Winding Road" plays
as we see Billy and Strawberry at sunset. Then "Here Comes the Sun",
sung by Strawberry, as they awake in the barn and leave for the hot
air balloon to take the band to Hollywood. Everyone is there to see
them off, and Billy and Strawberry are late.
The Hendersons are waiting, Bob's sick and
throwing up. They get there, kiss goodbye, and the band board the
balloon and are off. In air, B.D.'s lear jet intercepts them, and
takes them to a smog-covered L.A. [ST "City of
Angels?"]
The jet lands, "I Want You (She's So Heavy)"
begins. B.D. is on the landing pad with his limo, with Lucy as the
chauffeur. B.D. sings the first verse to the band and Dougie. Lucy
sings the second verse to Billy. Dougie sings the third verse to
Lucy. SPLHCB sing "She's so heavy" to biker chicks who turn out to be
Lucy & the Diamonds (they will appear all over town during the
solo, as hookers, mannequins, etc). They arrive at B.D.'s [ST "A
modest townhouse"]. B.D. gives Dougie cash (palm-greasing?). Lucy
& the Diamonds [L&D] are lounging in swimsuits around
the pool, enticing the band, who join them. Lucy (now a
photographer), calls them to take promo shot of them in front of a
Heartland backdrop. The boys come behind the camera to her and flirt
with her, singing "She's so heavy". The scene then switches to a wild
dinner party inside. B.D. spares no expense in wining and dining them
to get them to sign his extensive contract. Dougie signs with no
coercion (now we know what the money was for!). Mark (Barry Gibb)
being given coke & pot by the Diamonds, signs under the
influence. Bob (Robin Gibb) signs 'cause he's being fed so well. Dave
(Maurice Gibb) is drunk, and B.D. signs for him as he passes out.
Billy, who declined at first, is given a drink that B.D. has spiked
with acid, and he has intense hallucinations, during which Lucy leads
him to the bedroom to a record-shaped, rotating waterbed, rolls out a
hallucinatorily large contract and hands Billy an overgrown pen.
Billy signs, and they get it on.
[ST "The next morning, the band begins
their difficult one-week climb from obscurity to stardom"]
"Good
Morning" begins as the band emerges
from the hotel, extremely hung over, and get in the limo. Dougie is
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as he posts placards advertising the
band. They go into the studio to record. A printing plant prints up
their LP covers. The band arrives at Tower Records on Sunset Blvd.,
where groupies chase them inside.
A TV sequence begins, following their "Rise
to Stardom."
TV ANNOUNCER:
And
now, to cool the pace, the B.D. Big Disco show brings you Sgt.
Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Band sings "Nowhere Man" on TV. Next, they
appear at The Forum, with a marquee advertising strings of sold-out
dates, singing "Polythene Pam," during which a groupie makes it
onstage to kiss Mark (he loves it!), and "She Came in Through the
Bathroom Window."
TV ANNOUNCER:
B.D.
TV proudly presents, "The Sgt. Pepper Special"
Band does "Sgt. Pepper (Finale)" for
screaming crowds. Heartland is watching in the Fields' living room on
a large screen TV. Strawberry sees all the groupies screaming for her
guy, gets melancholy, and goes to her room to hug a picture of Billy,
while "Long and Winding Road" (sung by Billy) plays.
[ST "MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN"]
Computerettes sing "Mean Mr. Mustard" while giving him a massage. He
agrees with them that he's a "mean,
dirty
old man", when the screen
activates
FVB: Steal the instruments.
Mr. Mustard and his assistant, THE BRUTE,
sneak into city hall as per FVB's orders, and steal the instruments,
leaving Mr. Kite roughed-up and tied up on the floor.
FVB: Take the
coronet to Dr. Maxwell. Take the tuba to Father Sun. Bring the
saxophone to me, FVB. Keep the drum for yourself.
The Brute makes the deliveries on his
motorcycle and sidecar. As Mustard's van drives through town,
Heartland becomes a den of scum [ST "HEARTLAND SEES ITS DARKEST
HOUR"], with arcades, casinos, by-the-hour motels, frequented by
prostitutes, junkies, and other undesirables, left in the van's
wake.
The next morning, "She's Leaving Home"
starts, with Strawberry acting out the song, leaving home to find
Billy. Her parents wake to her note as she's picking her way to the
bus stop through litter and drunks. The Computerettes watch her on
their surveillance screen, and make several attempts to wake
Mustard.
COMPUTERETTES:
Wake
up, Mr. Mustard. Wake up...wake up..wake
up...etc
(they smack him on the head with his
cane) Look, Strawberry is
leaving.
He awakes just as her bus pulls out of town.
He wakes up the Brute in the front seat to chase her.
Her bus arrives on Sunset Blvd., where she
gets off and sees two billboards right next to each other, one of
SPLHCB, the other of L&D. She imagines the billboards come to
life, "Lucy
in the Sky with Diamonds" sung by
L&D, who sing alluringly, the SPLHCB ad pops to life, the boys
taken with L&D. The two acts join in a seductive dance on
L&D's ad.
The bus doors close, and when Strawberry
turns back to the billboards, they are back to normal.
SPLHCB are in the studio, recording "Oh!
Darling", when Strawberry arrives and sees Lucy & Billy exchange
air kisses. Strawberry then argues with Dougie and explains to Billy
the troubles in Heartland since they left. He then gets the other
band members. They go out to Mustard's bus, and steal it.
MR. KITE: Well, while Mustard roamed through
the building looking for Strawberry, she and her Heartland friends
dashed to the van and captured it. Now, the question is:
Could
the boys discover how to use this computerized link to FVB to help
recover the lost instruments?
Bob drives as the band figures the system
out.
COMPUTERETTES:
Turn
on the big screen
They do.
FVB: Take the
coronet to Dr. Maxwell
MR. KITE:
Dr.
Maxwell, a small time quack who became a big time specialist, turning
ugly old corrupt people into handsome young corrupt
people.
We arrive at Dr. Maxwell's before they do,
and we see his laboratory, a chop shop for plastic surgery at
discount rates. DR. MAXWELL EDISON (Steve Martin) sings
"Maxwell's
Silver Hammer"
while converting old people to young people (with his magic "Silver
Hammer") who are basically automotons for FVB. The band arrives as he
cavorts with the prettier creations,
singing
sillily. He sees them,
screams
like Mothra, and a fight ensues
between the band and FVB's army (newly converted by Dr. Maxwell).
Maxwell and Billy sword fight á la Star Wars (complete with
light saber noises), until Maxwell hypnotizes Billy into submission
with his silver hammer activator pins (?). Billy passes out.
Strawberry hides under the desk with the coronet as Maxwell makes his
escape. They revive Billy and rejoice in their first
victory.
MR. KITE: Well,
they had Sgt. Pepper's silver coronet. One down, three to go.
Jubilant, they returned to the computerettes for additional
guidance.
SPLHCB are back in the van.
COMPUTERETTES:
One down, three to go.
Billy finds the drum, comedic schitck
ensues.
MR. KITE: The
bass drum was easy, Mustard left it, Billy found it. Just like
that.
COMPUTERETTES:
Congratulations. Two down, two to
go.
They hug and jump, Dave goes to hug Mark,
who stops him, looking disapprovingly. Dave goes back to the
computer, "fairy-like."
MR. KITE: They
hugged each other and jumped for joy...some of them. Let's go back to
work. There's still two instruments missing.
FVB: Take the
tuba to Father Sun
MR. KITE:
Marvin Sunk, now known as Father Sun,
was an unemployed school crossing guard at the bottom of his life,
when he suddenly got the idea to drop the "K" from his last name.
Well that move lit up his life and it's been uphill ever since. He
decided to go into the media business, and help destroy the minds of
those young people who teased him on their way to school. Now he was
busy brainwashing them for FVB to build an army to take over the
world.
We open on FATHER SUN (Alice Cooper),
watching a boxing match and eating a sandwich, while setting up the
multimedia presentation for the uniformed kids in the next room. This
presentation is "Because,"
sung by Sun. As the song begins, the kids chant the FVB
mantra.
FVB KIDS: We
hate love, we hate joy, we love money (4x)
Half way through the song, our heroes enter
the classroom through a vent, crawl through the class, and Dave turns
up the volume to deafen the kids so they can't fight back. Sun puts
up a fight, Mark knocks him out, Bob gets the tuba as Billy turns off
the electronic security, and electrocutes himself, passing out once
again.
MR. KITE: Could
Billy survive 10,000 volts? It was a lot more than normally came through his
guitar. Frankly he was shocked. Stunned and
unconscious, only the power of true love could revive the injured Billy.
Back in the van, Strawberry tends to Billy,
singing "Strawberry Fields Forever." As she dabs his head, he
imagines her in Lucy's guises (the chauffeur, "Lucy in the Sky...",
etc.), her tears falling on his face revive him. As he comes to, Dave
gets frustrated and kicks the computer.
COMPUTERETTES:
Force is not required. Stop! Stop!
Stop!...etc.
The computer blows up. Computerettes shut
down.
MR. KITE: The
boys were really desperate. There was one instrument still missing,
and now there was no way to find it. Heartland was in desperate
condition. Seething with corruption. B.D. was desperately canceling
concerts everywhere. He was losing his cool, his profits, and his
hair. Things were really desperate. But Dougie came up with a great
idea, a giant benefit. Musical artists from all over would come to
Heartland for a concert that would save the town, and Sgt. Pepper's
Lonely Hearts Club Band would join them. That was bound to get the
boys back on the road.
"Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" is sung
by the band as they arrive, circus-style, back in Heartland.
Strawberry is in tights and tutu on the hood of Mustard's bus,
decorated circus style, with the band performing on top. They are
accompanied by many performers, and everyone comes out to see this
impromptu circus, and to hear of the benefit to come.
[ST: LATER THAT EVENING]...a Caliope
plays "When I'm Sixty-Four," Dougie sees B.D. stash the cash from the
benefit in city hall, then go to his van to engineer the benefit.
Dougie takes Lucy into city hall. "You Never Give Me Your Money" by
Dougie and Lucy, starts as they enter the room, and see all the money
lying there. During the song, they cavort in the money, pack it up to
steal it, then go to hide it in Mustard's van.
EARTH, WIND & FIRE go onstage to perform
"Got to Get You
Into My Life."
Mustard & the Brute return from L.A. by
taxi, and kidnap Strawberry while SPLHCB are watching the show.
Mustard takes off, with Strawberry and (unwittingly) Dougie and Lucy
in tow. The band notice her missing, take off for the balloon, duck
down inside the basket, and emerge as...the SUPER Lonely Hearts Club
Band, with bright satin aviator uniforms and all. They take off in
the balloon after Mustard.
MR. KITE:
Mustard was on his way to FVB Central where the
evil genius would supress the magical instruments and make the world
safer as corrupt legions.
In the van, Mustard is told by
FVB,
FVB: Bring the
instruments. Our army is ready.
MR. KITE: It
was the end of decency, unless the band could get there in time to
stop them
Mustard sings "When I'm Sixty-Four" to a
repulsed Strawberry. The computer calls him "Stupid." He and
Strawberry then discover the band in hot pursuit.
Mr. Kite: The
boys were travelling like the wind, but that was the problem.
Heartland's fastest pusuit could not keep up with Musatrd's evil
engines.
Computerettes find Dougie and Lucy preparing
to jump off the back of the van.
COMPUTERETTES:
Mr. Mustard, look what I found. (to
Dougie and Lucy)
Now
you're gonna get it.
(Mustard laughs dastardly)
An iron door with FVB's credo ("WE HATE
LOVE...etc") in neon on it, opens to Mustard and the Brute dragging
in a gagged and bound Strawberry, Dougie and Lucy. We see a set of
oversized stacks of coins, as the opening strains of
"Come
Together" begin.
Strawberry is then tied to a neon dollar
sign at the top of the stacks, and the Future Villain Band
[FVB] (AEROSMITH) appear next to her. The FVB is accompanied
by an "army" of the same uniformed dancers we saw in "Maxwell's" and
"Because."
MR. KITE: They
were about to confront the villain in its lair,
FVB,
the evil force that would poison young minds, pollute the
environment, and subvert the democratic
process...and worst of all, change
Strawberry into a mindless groupie. This was the enemy, FVB, Future
Villain Band.
The lyrics start. (Steve Tyler) keeps making
lewd motions to Strawberry, who is, as usual, repulsed. SPLHCB appear
mid-song, and engage in a fight with FVB. Mark sends (Steve Tyler)
over the edge, he dies from the fall. In all the ruckus, Strawberry's
dollar sign teeters and falls down the coin-shaped stairs. Billy runs
down just in time to see her draw her last breath, dead from the
impact.
A funeral bell tolls, we are now back in
Heartland, someone in the church tower ringing the bell. The town is
back to its original splendor, but is draped in funeral black
(banners, ribbons, etc). The scene has Strawberry in a glass casket,
the whole town attending her funeral, and Billy singing "Golden
Slumbers" to her, from under a torrent of tears. Her mother is also a
mess of tears, Mr. Kite weeps, the whole town is heartbroken. B.D.
takes care to "look" like he's greiving (he doesn't know what he's
doing here - he never knew the girl). The band, with Dougie, are her
pallbearers. They carry her down to a horse-drawn carriage, and send
her on her way to the tune of "Carry That Weight."
MR. KITE: The
instruments we safely back in Heartland, but at what a cost. Was it
worth it? Could anything or anyone, make everything alright again in
Heartland?
Billy goes off on his own, to sing
"The
Long and Winding Road", walking
through the fields where he and Strawberry used to frolic, and then
to her house (where everything is covered in sheets?), up to her
room, looking out the window.
Mark sits at the barn with his brothers and
sings "A Day in the Life," recounting their rise to fame, reflecting
on its cost. At the end crescendo, we see Billy take to the roof of
Strawberry's house, and jump off, committing suicide. As all this
happens in slow motion, the weather vane on top of city hall begins
to spin, eventually turning into a live (afro-american?) version of
Sgt. Pepper (BILLY PRESTON), who sings
"Get
Back."
He points to Billy with a flash, just before
Billy hits the ground, and brings him back up to the roof. He then
points to Dougie & Lucy, who are running through the town square,
and turns them into a nun and a choir boy. He points to Mustard and
the Brute, turning them into the same, then into the Pope and a
Saint.
He basically points all over town, making
everything all better. Last but not least, he brings Strawberry back
from the dead, in her funeral white dress, turns the band's funeral
black to white Sgt. Pepper uniforms, Billy and Strawberry reunite,
then (Billy) throws a final flash at the audience, who is then
treated to a star-studded (for 1978) version of the Finale with the
cast and friends (see "Our
Guests at Heartland" in the
Cast &
Crew page).
The end credits roll over: "A Day in the
Life", "Polythene Pam", "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window",
"Sgt. Pepper (Finale - version from Rise to Stardom
sequence)"