This is the most recent page (#4) of motorcycle and camping-related humor - jokes, lists, etc. Some adult topics and languages are on these pages. If you have any good 'uns, send 'em to me! Newest jokes are at the top of the list and each new joke/bit begins in RED.  

     Use the link here or at the bottom of the page for more motorycle humor on page one, page two or page three.

From Eric W. in VA (Harley driver) comes
   Biker Wisdom of the Roads

• Midnight bugs taste best.
• Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need
• NEVER argue with a woman holding a torque wrench
• Never try to race an old geezer, he may have one more gear than you
• Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground
• Routine maintenance should never be neglected
• The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror
• Never be afraid to slow down
• Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory
• Don't ride so late into the night that you sleep through the sunrise
• Pie and coffee are as important as petrol
• Sometimes it takes a whole tankful of fuel before you can think straight
• Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you'll ride alone
• Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town
• Never mistake horsepower for staying power
• A good rider has balance, judgment, and good timing
• A cold hamburger can be reheated quite nicely by strapping it to an exhaust pipe and riding forty miles
• Never do less than forty miles before breakfast
• If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride
• A bike on the road is worth two in the shed
• Respect the person who has seen the dark side of motorcycling and lived
• Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go
• A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it
• Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night
• Always back your bike into the curb - and sit where you can see it
• Work to ride & ride to work
• Whatever it is, it's better in the wind
• Two-lane blacktop isn't a highway - it's an attitude
• When you look down the road, it seems to never end - but you better believe it does
• A rider can smell a party 5,000 miles away
• Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish
• A motorcycle can't sing on the streets of a city
• Keep your bike in good repair: Motorcycle boots are NOT comfortable for walking
• People are like Motorcycles: each is customized a bit differently
• If the bike isn't braking properly, you don't start by rebuilding the engine
• Remember to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your carburetor
• Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck
• Good coffee should be indistinguishable from 50 weight motor oil
• The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome
• Learn to do counter-intuitive things that may someday save your butt
• The twisties - not the superslabs - separate the riders from the squids
• When you're riding lead -- don't spit
• If you really want to know what's going on, watch what's happening at least five cars ahead
• Don't make a reputation you'll have to live down or run away from later
• If the person in the next lane at the stoplight rolls up the window and locks the door, support their view of life by snarling at them
• A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere to get you when you're broken down
• Catching a June bug or yellow jacket in your goggles or honeybee down your shirt @ 70 mph can double your vocabulary
• If you want to get somewhere before sundown, you can't stop at EVERY tavern
• There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer
• Don't lead the pack if you don't know where you're going
• Practice wrenching on your own bike
• Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't. Some can't
• Beware the rider who says the bike never breaks down
• Owning two bikes is useful because at least one can be raided for parts at any given time
• Don't argue with a 18-wheeler
• Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit
• Maintenance is as much art as it is science
• A good long ride can clear your mind, restore your faith, and use up a lot of fuel
• If you can't get it going with bungee cords and electrician's tape - it's serious
• If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be
• Bikes parked out front mean good chicken-fried steak inside
• Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck
• There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders
• Thin leather looks good in the bar, but it won't save your butt from "road rash" if you go down
• The best modifications cannot be seen from the outside
• Always replace the cheapest parts first
• You can forget what you do for a living when your knees are in the breeze
• No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind
• Patience is the ability to keep your motor idling
• And the Bountyman's favorite. . .
       "Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window"

From Debi G. in PA (a Yamaha driver)   Harley Davidson & God
     The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
     Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
     St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
     Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
     God said, "Ah, yes, "
     "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

• There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
• It chatters constantly at high speeds;
• Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
• The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and finally,
• The maintenance costs are outrageous."

     "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
     God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
     "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur, "but according to my records, even though my creation is flawed, more men ride mine than yours!"

Translating a British Bike Repair Manual

• Manual: "Rotate anticlockwise"
  Means: "Clamp with grips then beat repeatedly with hammer"
• Manual: "This is a snug fit"
  Means: "You will skin your knuckles"
• Manual: "This is a tight fit"
  Means: "Not a hope in Hell, mate!"
• Manual: "Pry"
  Means: "Hammer a screwdriver into"
• Manual: "Retain tiny spring"
  Means: "Jeez, what was that thing that nearly had me eye out!"
• Manual: "Compress"
  Means: "Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner for it while mutering 'bugger' repeatedly under your breath"
• Manual: "Inspect"
  Means: "Squint really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a knowing voice to your wife, 'Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one!"
• Manual: "Get an assistant"
  Means: "Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of a friend"
• Manual: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal"
  Means: "... but you swear in different places"
• Manual: "Prise away locating pegs"
  Means: "Snap off"
• Manual: "Index"
  Means: "List of all of the things in the book except the one you need"

   A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
     The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
     The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
     The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
     The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
     The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
     The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

     You know your bike is too high-tech when . . .

• "Intel Inside" is stenciled on the gas tank
• The bike plays a little tune when you start up
• The repair kit includes a boot disk and an antivirus kit
• The dashboard includes a LCD screen that shows "Windows 98"
• Geeks ask you "How many megs yah got on that thing?"
• You must use a password to open the gas filler cap
• "Crashing" takes on a whole new meaning
• The marquee is replaced by black and white bar codes
• The repair shop now includes at least one "Sun-certified Java programmer"
• If you don't follow a strict sequence when turning off the bike, a systems check must be run when you restart the bike

     Australian "Road Rider" magazine reports in its #9 issue that a Glasgow cop who suggested a stranded biker should urinate on their engine to free up an iced carburetor was puzzled when the rider refused. So the officer unzipped his fly and did the honors himself - and restarted the bike. A few days later the officer received a letter from a local doctor who said: "Thank you for helping my daughter."

     From Pennsylvania's own Dynamic Debi G: Camping Tips

• When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
• Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
• Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
• Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
• You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
• You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
• The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
• When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
• Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
• A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
• A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
• In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
• The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
• The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
• It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home (or a Gold Wing pulling a trailer).
• Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
• In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

     Debi also sent these observations about "fat bikers":

     For decades, motorcycle engineers have been on a unending quest to reduce the curb weight of sporting motorcycles. Countless millions in R&D funds, time and frustration have yielded exotic materials and weight-saving schemes that would make NASA proud. However, what good is all that effort to lean down a bike to the most minimal when you can still get two sausage biscuits for 99 cents? Let's face it; a Vespa with an average rider can turn in better lap times than a tubby ex-racer if the concession stand at the track has fresh Bavarian Cream donuts on the counter.

     A while back, there was a disturbing series of comments (yip-yap) about "chubby riders" on another email list (which shall remain nameless, but starts with the letters ST and ends with 1100). I read these bleats and barbs between the fatties and skinnies with great fascination (and a Ho-Ho or two). Clearly, the issue of rider weight begs for more investigation. Now there's no denying the impact of overall weight on a pure numbers performance evaluation, but looking deeper, it would appear chubbie riders have some distinct advantages over their more waif-esque riding partners.

     For example, having an ample belly shows the world we are quite comfortable with our own masculinity and appearance and need not be concerned with either. In contrast, lean and muscled riders who are obviously obsessed with their bodies apparently have homosexual tendencies, for why else would they care so much about their physical appearance? Large Guys(tm) like us can buy their clothing at "Al's Big and Tall--Truck Parking in Rear" while the more lightweight, and surely limpwristed riders must shop at "The Ramrod Boutique" to find mauve and apricot scarves to fit around their dainty pencilnecks.

     Big men won't go faster on their steeds and smaller guys (in more ways than one, wink-wink) will surely beat us to the next stop, but then, we're in no hurry to be first in line at the bathroom mirror, like a narcissistic fashion model with a broken nail. Our girth grants us much added protection in extremis, safeguarding our internal organs in a crash, instead of allowing a clutch lever to easily pierce the spleen. Off-bike, women are eager to love us even more, for we have our lives in order, content with our bodies and secure in the future, unlikely to stray. The more buff riders must content with suspicion and doubt from their women, and fend off advances from both females and gay men, lest horrible social diseases reduce them to infected lumps of well-toned and ripped muscle.

     Yes, fatties have to buy "Big man" size recliners at the La-z-Boy Showcase Shop, not cute little hand-painted barstools for the loft. While you featherweights spend time and money on treadmills and other torture devices to try and shave a few seconds off a lap time, we're purchasing TV sets so big they require a 90 psi pneumatic line just to operate the remote control, so we can tune in "When Fuel-Injection Goes Bad" on FOX. The only lite in our refrigerators is a 15-watt Sylvania. Go ahead and fill your Camel Back bottle with pure mountain spring water; I prefer a mixture of Hershey's syrup and beef gravy.

     So fear not for us riders large in size, for we are masters of our fate. Take heart in the fact we pay more for XXXL gear, but always manage to get our money's worth at the "all you can eat" diner. If you still feel the angst of leanness preying upon your soul, find comfort in profiting from a this stock tip: Dunkin Donuts.