1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
7. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
9. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
16. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
17. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Big Mac with Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. 
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.  When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. 

What for?" he snapped at the judge. 

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now" 

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words." 

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.  They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.  True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha.  Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John.  I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" 

"It's beautiful.  There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. 

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon.  After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five.  After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback.  "Is that what heaven really is like?"   

"Heaven?  Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha." 

"Well, then, where are you, then?"

"I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old    gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey,"  the little old lady breathlessly replied, My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.  "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"

4 guys telling stories in a bar; 1 guy leaves to go to the restroom, 3 guys are left.  First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, " I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, HE's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well He got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

Fourth guy comes back from the rest room. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new House and $1 Million in stock for his birthday."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to the boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and have sex for the first time also.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.  The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.  "Oh I am so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!" The boy goes in and is taken to the dinner table takes a seat and shortly after her parents follow and take their seats.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass and he  still quietly praying. Finally after 20 minutes, the girl leans over to the boy whose head is still bowed and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea that you were this religious." The boy turns and whispers back " I had no idea your father was a pharmacist......"

Two Frenchmen walk into a pet store. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section. Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre "Dats them".  The store clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yea , we'll take  four of dem dere bird in dat cage up dere" says Jean-Marc, "Put dem in  a paper bag".

The clerk does and the two guys leave the store.  They get into Jean-Marc's truck and drive for three hours until they are high up in  the hills and stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500 foot drop.  "Dis look like a good place eh?" says Jean-Pierre while scratching himself.  "Oh yea! Dis it look good" replied Jean-Marc."  They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss. "I guess me I  got to go first eh?" says Jean-Pierre.

Jean-Pierre takes two birds out  of the bag, places  them on his shoulders and jumps  off the cliff. Jean-Marc  watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a  few seconds followed by a "SPLAT".

As Jean-Marc looks over the  cliff he shakes  his head and  says. "F*** dis.  Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!!!!"

Neighbor 1:  "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"

New Neighbor:  "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"

Neighbor 1:  "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor:  "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1:  "Deductive reasoning, what is that?

New Neighbor:  "Let me give you and example.  I see you have a dog house out back.  By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1:  "That is right"

New Neighbor:  "The fact that you have a dog leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Neighbor 1:  "Right again"

New Neighbor:  "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"

Neighbor 1:  "Correct"

New Neighbor:  "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"

Neighbor 1:  "Yup"

New Neighbor:  "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1:  "Cool"

Later that same day:

Neighbor 1:  "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"

Neighbor 2:  "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1:  "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 2:  "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1:  "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"

Neighbor 2:  "Deductive reasoning, what is that"

Neighbor 1:  "Let me give you an example.  Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2:  "No"

Neighbor 1: "Fag."

To Whom It May Concern,

I know I haven't known you for a very long time, and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, But, I need it very badly.

I haven't had it for a very long time. I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am desperate and need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until it is very dry. It has been on my mind all day, and I'm not going to beat arounds the bush anymore.

" Do you have a piece of  GUM  ????"         

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:  To get to the other side.

PLATO:  For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:  It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:  Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON:  'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the f___ing reason.

RONALD REAGAN:  I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:  Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:  Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.  The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.  Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of successfully architecting, implementing, and delivering an enterprise-wide alue framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message, aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.  This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:  The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

MOSES:  And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

BILL CLINTON:  I did not have an improper relationship with that chicken.

RICHARD M. NIXON:  The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:  The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?  The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD:  Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:  I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE:  The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"  Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:  The chicken did not cross the road .. t transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die.  In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS:  I missed one?

A guide that may be used in to prevent future misunderstandings with engineer-speak.

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.  (We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Coordination efforts.  (We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.  (We didn't bother to read the tech manuals.)
4. Major technological breakthrough!  (It seems to work, and it looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.  (We are so far behind in development, that the customer will accept anything.)
6. Pre-construction tests were inconclusive.  (The equipment burned when we gave electricians the wrong wiring diagram.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying!  (Unbelievably, it actually worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.  (The only guy who understood the thing is now working for a competitor.)
9. It is in process.  (The technical sections within our company are arguing with each other, and the situation is completely hopeless.)
10. We will look into it.  (We have had enough problems already.  We are going home at the end of the shift.)
11. Please note and initial.  (It might not work, and we want to shift the blame to you.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.  (We'll listen to your bull and then do as we damn well please.)
13. Give us your interpretation.  (It's been a quiet day and we need a laugh.)
14. See me or let's discuss.  (I've screwed up again, but watch me talk my way out of it.)
15. All new.  (We couldn't figure out how to modify it.)
16. Rugged.  (We didn't bother to say so, but if you didn't plan for a "complex" lift, your production schedule is shot.)
17. Light weight.  (We bought this cheap junk and we want to install it in your office.)
18. Years of development.  (We finally got around to finishing the design.)
19. Energy saving.  (We didn't work too hard.)
20. No maintenance.  (Impossible to fix.)
21. Low maintenance.  (We don't know how to fix it, but don't tell anyone.)
22. We are following the standard!  (That's the way we have always done it and it's close to quitting time!)

Q:  What's the difference between a normal zoo and a Cajun zoo?

A:  In a normal zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name and Latin name. In a Cajun zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name, it's Latin name, and the recipe for how to cook it.

Two middle-aged women were talking. They hadn't seen each other for a few weeks and were exchanging news.

The first said she had been on luxury cruise visiting exotic places. The second replied "Faaantastic!"

The first continued that she had recently been to Foreign Office Ball and had danced with many distinguished diplomats. The second replied "Faaantastic!"

The first said she had also been to an Oxford University Vice Chancellor's dinner where the banquet was really sumptuous. The second replied "Faaantastic!"

The first went on that was being invited to a BBC Governors's Gala Dinner and Dance the following week. The second replied "Faaantastic!"

Then of course the first mentioned that she was going to Harrods to buy some special clothes and jewellery for a forthcoming Buckingham Palace Garden Party. The second replied "Faaantastic!"

The first then asked her friend as to her news. The second replied that she had not been doing very much lately. The only thing was that she had gone to some elocution classes.

"Now where I used to say 'bullshit', I say  "Faaantastic!"!

There was a man named Bubba, and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!"  His boss doesn't believe him, so he says, "No you do not know everyone in the whole world."  But Bubba says, "Yes, I do!" So Bubba's boss says "Well, prove it!"

Then Bubba says "Pick someone...and I know them!"

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck!  I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!"  Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!"

Bubba's boss says, "No, you weren't!"  Bubba says "Yes, we were!"

So they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house.  Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!"  And Tom goes "Bubba!" And they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.  But then he thinks, "Well, that could happen. It's just one person," so he tells Bubba.  Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!"  Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!"

Bubba's boss says, "No, you weren't!"  Bubba says "Yes, we were!"

So they fly to Washington and they catch with the President at a press conference.  They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!"  The President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it.

Then he thinks "Well, that's just two people in one country-that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!"  So he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he  says "The Pope!  You do not know the Pope!"  Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!"

Bubba's boss says "No, he didn't!"  Bubba says "Yes, he did!"

So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people.  They work their way through the crowd--without much luck--so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people.  So I'll tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.

Well, Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba.   Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" When his boss comes to, he asks  "Boss ...what happened?"

Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck.  I can see Bill Clinton... heck, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks, 'Who's that up there with Bubba?'  That's a little more than I can take!"

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shutup.