A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the whole evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress.... Now take off my bra....Next remove my shoes and stockings.... Now remove my garter belt and panties"

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again....."

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to the university of Virginia to party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time.  However, with their hangovers, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.  Rather than take the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy."  They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabb refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insist, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." 

"Not to worry,"  Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." 

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that  good-looking widow who let us sleep in her barn?" 

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I must admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" 

Bob. very embarrassed, said,  "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." 

"Well, thanks, pal! She just died and left me everything!"

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it."  The duck says, "Okay" and leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"  Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"  The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed.  If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." 

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."the  clerk says!!

"Got any duck feed?"

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My  name is Johnny Fuckhauer."

So she said, "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!"

The kid  said, "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the  hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you  have a Fuckhauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little  kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second.  The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

A man, called in for an audit at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.  Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, bodybuilders, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.  Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "No, I just work for the IRS .... And by the way, do lemons have feathers?"

"I beg your pardon?" replied the bartender.

The IRS man asked again, "Do lemons have feathers?"

The bartender responded, "No, I don't think so."

The IRS man responded, "Er...  I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink..."

Leon Panetta entered the Oval Office and said, "Mr. President, we're going to have to do something about this abortion bill." Clinton said, "I'm getting tired of hearing about it, just pay the darn thing!"

Even though Chelsea is in California at Stanford, President Clinton is acting like she's still at the White House. Yesterday he invited all of her friends over for a pajama party.

The Center For Disease Control in Atlanta today issued an URGENT WARNING:
The President has proven that you can get sex from aides.

Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument.

He said, "George, what should I do?"  After a few seconds, George replied,  "Abolish the IRS and start over." 

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.  Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped there.  He said, "Tom, what should I do?"  After a few seconds, Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over." 

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial.  He said, "Abe, what should I do?"  After a few seconds, Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

SELF IMPROVEMENT

1100    Creative Suffering
1101    Overcoming Peace of Mind
1102    You & Your Birthmark
1103    Guilt Without Sex
1104    The Primal Shrug
1105    Ego Gratification Through Violence
1106    Molding Your Child's Behavior Through Fear
1107    Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
1108    Whine Your Way to Alienation
1109    How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense & Ostentation
1110    Body Language for Epileptics
1111    Catholics Women's Guide to Orgasm

BUSINESS & CAREER

0001    I Made $100 in Real Estate
0002    Money Can Make You Rich
0003    Packaging & Selling Your Child
0004    Career Opportunities In El Salvador
0005    How to Profit from Your Own Body
0006    The Under-Achievers Guide to a Very Small Business
0007    Tax Shelters for the Indigent
0008    Looter's Guide to European Cities
0009    How to Land a Job in Algeria
0010    1,001 Methods of Blackmail

HOME ECONOMICS

401     Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator
402     Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete
403     Sinus Drainage at Home
404     Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
405     Teach Your Goldfish Buddhism
406     Christianity and the art of TV Maintenance
407     How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy

HEALTH & FITNESS

1202    Creative Tooth Decay
1203    Exercise & Acne
1204    The Joys of Hypochondria
1205    High Fiber Sex
1206    Suicide & Your Health
1207    Skate Your Way to Regularity
1208    Bio-feed & How to Stop
1209    Understanding Nudity
1210    Tap Dance Your Way to Ridicule
1211    Optional Body Functions
1212    Leprosy & Pole Vaulting - How to Avoid it
1213    Elective Surgery in the Home
1214    Over 26 - How to Tell an Orgasm from a Heart Attack

CRAFTS

1011    Self Actualization Through Macramé
1012    How to Draw Genitalia
1013    Weaving With Body Hair
1014    Canceled
1015    Gifts for the Senile
1016    Bonsai Your Pet
1017    Rearranging Your Hate
1018    Masochism for the Over 40s
1019    Post-Coital Rug Making
1020    Creative Nail Clipping Arrangements

RELIGION

6660   Ritual Cookie Sacrifices
6661   Moony Burial Rites
6662   Just Say Noah
6663   Matzoth Baking Without Perforations
6664   Advanced Hell Fire Fighting
6665   Rap & Heavy Metal Hymns
6667   Condensed Bible Study
6668   Satan and Satin
6669   ---Over  Subscribed ---

Chances are you will not see these words of wisdom on any posters:

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "The Star Spangled Banner". Age 6

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card.  Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.  Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands, you need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.  But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several  Age 73

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.  Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

A old guy is celebrating his 90th birthday, all his friends are there, but none of his 3 sons have shown up.  His sons are a doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant.  The party starts to wind down, and the doctor comes running in:

He says: " Sorry dad, but I was stuck in surgery all week, and I totally forgot about today being your birthday, and I just finished this very touchy operation about an hour ago, and I didn't have time to get you a present, but at least I showed up at your party.   Happy Birthday Dad. The old man tells him thanks.

Then the Lawyer comes rushing in-- and he says: Hey dad, sorry about being late, but I have been tied up with depositions, and briefs, and this one case is about to go on appeals, and I have been so busy that I forgot that today was your birthday, and I didn't have time to get you a present, but at least I made it to your party.  Happy Birthday Dad. The old man tells him thanks.

Then the accountant comes rushing in-- and he says: Gee Dad, sorry about being so late.  But our major client is getting audited by the IRS, and we have been busting our butts at work, and I totally forgot that today was your birthday, and I didn't have time to get you a present, but at least I made it to your party.  Happy Birthday Dad.  The old man tells him thanks.

And then he tells his sons:  "You three do know that your mom and I were never married!!!"  The three sons look at each other for a bit and then the lawyer asks: "That means we are all bastards????" The old man says "Yep, and cheap ones too"

A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a drink.  He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he takes his first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk?  The women must love you."

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he finishes his drink & peanuts and orders another.

Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man.  Are they Italian leather?  They look grrrreat."

He whirls around to again see no one near him.  He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.  A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a third drink.  This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks fantastic.  Is it an Armani?  You are *SO* G.Q.!"

He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look.  I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that?  Am I going crazy?"

"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."

"The peanuts?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary."

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."