There's this alien couple who is sent by their superiors to check out the sexual habits of humans. They  land on earth and make contact with a couple whose names could be Mary and Johnny. They inform them of their mission and ask if the couple would be interested in teaching them. So Mary and Johnny  talk it over and agree to help them with their mission. Mary to teach  the alien man, and Johnny to teach the alien woman. So, they agree that they would do this that very night.

They meet at a specified place and time. Then Mary takes the alien man by the hand and they go off,  likewise, Johnny takes the alien woman by the hand and they go off their separate way... all agree to meet again in the morning.

Mary and her alien friend make their bed and begin to get down to business.

The alien man says, "Is it long enough?"  Mary says,  "Well, it could be a little longer".

The alien man says, "No problem." He beats on his head with the palm of  his hand and whoosh!!!. it  grows another inch...

He again asks, "Is it long enough?" Mary, amazed at this says, "Actually, it could be a bit longer than  that." The alien man says, "No problem." He beats on his head with the palm of his hand a few more times and whoosh!!... it grows three more  inches. Well, Mary, needless to  say is in her glory (being that it's already twice the size of Johnny's).

The alien man then says to Mary, "Is it thick enough?" Well, knowing the potential that could be there,  Mary says, "No, it could also be a bit thicker."

"No problem." Says the  alien.  And he pulls on his ears... and Voila!! it grows thicker... "How's that?"

Mary says, "Just a little  more."

So, again he tugs on his ears... Voila!!!.. again, it grows a little bit thicker.

He asks, "How's that?" Mary says, it's perfect... needless to say,  Mary had the best sex of her life that  night.

The following morning, Mary and the alien man, and Johnny and the alien  woman meet up... and they  all thank each other for everything. The alien couple gets into the spaceship and take off.

So, Johnny says to Mary... "How was your night, how was it?"

Mary says, "Well, actually, it was the best sex I ever had, it was tremendous, wonderful. How about  you? How was your night?" to which Johnny replied, "IT WAS AWFUL, IT  WAS THE WORSE  SEX I EVER HAD! She kept beating on my head and pulling  my ears!"

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch  with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm  going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him, "I just found out  that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."

He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.

She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

He replied, "I'm going, too."

"Why?" she asked.

He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year."

Three mice are sitting at a bar bullshitting about which one is the toughest, most hard-core, macho mouse.

The first mouse does a shot, slams the glass on the bar and says, "I set  off  mouse traps just for fun. I grab the cheese and when the bar comes  down, I benchpress 50 or 60 reps before I take my loot home." He slams  another shot.

The second mouse downs a shot and says, "That's nothin', bro. I eat  those rodent-poison tablets like candy. I can chow a  whole box of Decon without even farting." He slams another shot.

The third mouse downs a shot and walks away from the bar.

"Where ya going, ya wimp?" the other mice chuckle.

The third mouse shrugs. "I'm going home to screw the cat."