Big Fuckin Skull


	Biographies


	Name: Eric Cuthbert McCool Skills: Sticking shit up, shooting things, throwing knives at shit, chinese stars, re-loading really fast, the "quick-draw," the "magical bullet" (you know how in movies when they shoot the guy and he falls forward off the railing? It's kinda like that.) Distinguishing features: Guns, knives, chinese stars, filipino killing sticks, and one shifty eyeball. Age: 42 Birthplace: Miami, FL Death: Face melted off by toxic zombie vomit while robbing a video store. Known Weaknesses: None

Almost immediatly after being born in 1958, young Eric McCool secured his place in history when he responded to the midwife cutting his umbilical cord by snatching her scalpel and chucking it through her face. He looked just like Curly. And then he danced just like the Ally McBeal baby, except he looked more like that creepy little dude from 3rd Rock From the Sun (he even made the faces). He escaped into the night and wasn't seen again until he assualted a lumper with a pool ball wrapped in a towel. The battle was fast and fierce, but baby Eric eventually prevailed. He found a nickel while sorting through the lumper's teeth and shopping cart full of empty beef stew cans, and thus began a long life of robbery, stick-ups, and crime. For the next 8 years, he honed his skills in the Everglades using whatever materials were handy, such as a tractor tire, sticks with frog eggs on them, mud, the weather, and a ceramic statue of a rooster. Having mastered the art of random objects and other peoples' trash, he decided to rob a diner. So he grabbed a cello, walked right into the joint and yelled, "Put your hands up! This is a stick-up! Right now! Right now! Give me all your money! This is a robbery! I am robbing you! Nobody move! Right now! You are all being robbed right now by me cause I'm sticking you up!" Nobody moved, but the guy behind the counter laughed and so Eric killed everybody there was, smashing everybody in the diner in the face and in the head with the cello. And then he killed that one cook with a remote-controlled plane. He made about $27 dollars. He called the police and killed them, too. In his early formative years Eric McCool moved around a lot. 1975 found him in Butte, Montana, poor of pocket and looking for action. He wandered onto some horse ranch to steal horses and killed the rancher and the ranch hands and the rancher's wife and the rancher's daughter and the rancher's other two daughters and the neighbors too; he employed, respectively, a cowboy boot, and electric pencil sharpener he swung around like ball and chain on its cord, an elephant-leg wastebasket, a diving board, a frozen banana, and a gun that he found under the bed (he was under there killing spiders). Then he went to steal the horses but decided to kill them too because they wouldn't talk to him. He got rid of them by making them all fight to the death until only one horse was left, which he judo-chopped to death. When he was done he went to the ranchhouse and stole all the money and their 8-track player, which he pawned. He bought another gun and spent 2 years and 2 months in a valley learning how to shoot really really really way damned good. Then he did a whole bunch more stick-ups, robberies, hold-ups, mugging, armed robberies, and also stole people's money at gunpoint. Then it was 1983. Since he was in Detroit anyway, he decided that he might as well stick some more stuff up so he went into a laundromat and stuck it up. Then he went into a video store across the street and pointed his gun at the clerk and said “Hands in the air! Give me all your money! Right now! Right now! This is a stick-up!” As the clerk was gathering the money, McCool shot some other lady in the guts. Then he shot some goofy kid who came running out of the porno section sporting a boner. Then the kid sat up and he was a zombie. McCool was thinking about shooting the zombie again, but couldn't because the zombie spat puke all over his face and in his eye and it was toxic zombie vomit and it melted his face and made his eye all crazy and gross and weird and it burned. The last thing Eric McCool said before he died was "Oh my god it's in my eye and all over my face! And my face is melting off! I'm being melted by that zombies melting puke! And that zombie has a boner! Oh my god! Look at that zombie!" Zombie puke doesn't kill you to death, it just makes you crazy and no longer alive. But Eric McCool was already crazy, but now he was dead and crazy and his name was Eyeball.