If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer antlers.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar?, for freshness.