"Why do all the good grandparents have to die?" My cousin AliciaWell, I'm back. I intended to do this entry earlier, but I've spent hours trying to catch up on what I've missed on the Internet. Man, this stuff is addictive as hell. I musta spent a half-hour raving to someone on my boards about how cold San Francisco is, then badmouthed Austin, TX without ever having been there, then apologizing for being an idiot . . . And when I wasn't playing catch-up, I started looking at stupid sites, such as Biff's Potty Page (see below). It's Biff the Bear's "Potty Cam." Even though I did not see Biff pee, somehow I thought this site was hysterical. In case you're wondering, yes, I AM cracking up!
Okay, okay, I'll tell y'all about my weekend. Unfortunately since I'm starting this so damn late, it's going to be in two parts. So here goes:
In general, the weekend went great. Got good candy, had a lot of fun with the cousins, Alicia actually talked to me, and we got to avoid my grandfather almost all the time!!!! Then again, this was also due to our mothers not forcing us to be around him, and us hiding upstairs virtually all of Saturday night and Sunday. Things went great, despite a few things that came to mind as the weekend went along.
For example: One of the first things you notice when you're staying at someone's house is the food. Especially when you're picky and hungry like me. For example, on Friday night Aunt Susie said that we couldn't eat anything other than fish. (I'd already eaten a pepperoni pizza for lunch . . . whoops) Later on this seemed really ironic, since we did nothing else religious the entire weekend- no church, no blessings, zip. Sheesh. Anyway, this was a problem for me because I don't like most kinds of fish- especially fish sticks and halibut (the evening's choices). I hate it when I'm at someone's house and I hate the food. There is no way to avoid eating the disgusting food without being rude about it. Fortunately she made some kind of cheese ravioli/tortellini (I don't know the difference) that didn't taste too bad for me.
Another thing that bothered me was the speedy eaters. My younger cousins take about 10 minutes to eat- well, they'll eat 1-2 things, or bites, and then whine to leave. My aunt finishes in like 11 minutes. My uncle and Alicia take about 14, and at 15 I'm the only one still eating, and still hungry. But that's another etiquette thing- no matter how starving you are, you can't eat longer than everyone else.
On another funny thing- my aunt is normally a HUGE stickler for anything and everything (you'll see later on). But on Friday night, apparently she didn't care that we all stayed up until 1:30 watching Jerry Springer. Which, incidentally, sucked- I swear, this was the one episode that DIDN'T feature fighting. Sheesh, who watches this show to listen to talk? It's an Ultimate Fighting match every week, for cryin' out loud! However, this episode was memorable in that it featured a guy who I consider to be The Most Pathetic Person Ever. Yes, he beats The Moron. Yes, he beats my grandfather (more on those brainiacs later). The guy was being fought over by two transvestites. One of them was a dominatrix, and she had this guy chained up in a nasty outfit, called him a slave, and he was trained not to speak unless she said to. He said four words on the show, total. Lynn (the dominatrix) said he cleans her house and sucks her toes. Chelsea (the ex-girlfriend of Smoke) was amazed that this guy would let her do this to him, especially when Lynn annouced that she didn't want him anymore and didn't care what happened to him. So fine, you mess him up and then leave him with no master so he'll really get fucked up, oh nice. But the reason why this guy wins the award is this: Why the HELL would you allow someone to do this to you???? Man, he's pathetic.
The next morning, my aunt came in at 10 am and yelled at Kristen (I was sharing the bed with her) and I to get up. This leads in to my next pet peeve, this one about this family. All the girls go to bed very late and then voluntarily get up all perky and happy waaaaay too early in the morning. Excuse me? Aren't you even tired like normal night owls would be? Kristen kept telling me, "Well, I woke up at seven, but you were still asleep, so I went back to bed. No, I woke up at six." Yuck!!!
That day my aunt hauled everyone, including me, to the hairdresser- they were all due for trims (and in Alicia's case, hair streaks). But then my aunt decided that I needed a trim for the wedding next week (oh, whoopee). So I got forced into the back of my hair getting trimmed (which came out okay) and my bangs (which didn't). I haaaaate getting my bangs cut, because they always come out too short for my taste- the high-water-pants version of hair. But because I was a guest, I really couldn't say, "Uh, could you just trim them to eyebrow length?" When my mom finally arrived she laughed at me for ten minutes. Thanks, Mom.
And speaking of Mom . . . she and Dad were hauling Granddaddy (aka Old Stinky) over at 6:00 pm. So we were all watching the windows and hoping they'd be late. Kristen had kept asking me if I wanted my parents to arrive, and I was ambivalent about it- yes, I want my parents, but no, dear God, not Granddaddy. And yep, he was as rank as ever. Which is why the girls and I hid in Kristen's room all night long and refused to talk to him. He didn't care though. Something that I thought was just plain sad was how even Cassie, who's six, for crying out loud, hates him. Already she's learned that he's a bastard. Nice, huh? And here's what my aunt had to say about this whole B.O. thing (as much as I can remember) to Kristen: "Well . . . he's old . . . and he's afraid of slipping and falling (um . . . there are things that can be done about that, especially in a hospital!) . . . and we don't have to understand him, we just have to love him." EEEEEEEEW! She's just like Mom used to be, forcing her kids to love him, even though in her heart she knows he's a bastard! (Alicia told me that a. my aunt said that if she turned into him when she got old she'd kill herself (me too!), and b. when he was there for Thanksgiving or Christmas she locked him in the bathroom and wouldn't let him out until he showered. Yay! I wish she'd done it now though!) I am also annoyed at their attitude towards this as "we can't force him to change." Oh, that's nice, force your children to love someone like that. For crying out loud, can't they try this? "Granddaddy, if you haven't taken a shower by the time we come to pick you up, then you're not coming over, we can't stand your B.O." I mean, really, how am I supposed to eat around this man? I'd rather smell cow shit all day. When my mom kissed him I could smell him on her breath. Yuuuuuuck!
I'll finish that later, right now I'll go on to Saturday night. Here's a chronology of how it went:
More of this tomorrow- I've got to get ready for bed.
Links to other sites on the Web
Biff's Potty Page
Icon Bazaar (egg bar)
Graphic Station (day/night bar)
Animation Station (bunny hopping)
Page last updated: April 12, 1998.
Any hate notes (I've noticed that most people go nuts when I gripe about my grandfather-they seem to think I make this stuff up- frankly, it's too bad to make up) saying that "I looove my grandfather" can be sent to the address below, even though I'll probably just get really pissed at you because I'm jealous of your normal grandfather.
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© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu
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