Welcome To The Jungle, Part 2

My Soap-Operatic Life

"We have to distrust each other. It's our only defense against betrayal." Tennessee Williams

So, to finish off my story for yesterday . . . where was I? Oh, yes, we had just gotten our candy . . .

Before I go on, I'll mention another thing about my grandfather: He's kind of got a klepto bent. No matter how much candy he receives from my mom and aunt for any holiday, he steals as much as he can grab of ours. He can't even chew and he still manages to eat it! And when we get mad about it, my mom or aunt will wind up saying one of their usual lame remarks- "Well, he's old . . . he can't help it . . . he's just going to do what he wants anyway . . . " They don't yell at him or do anything at all. So it's up to us to hide our candy every year before he gets to it.

When we noticed that Granddaddy had gotten up, we took all our candy and moved into my aunt's room upstairs (we figured we were safe, he HATES walking, and keeps whining that he wants a wheelchair. No, he doesn't need one), where we were watching a movie, despite my aunt's yelling, "I talked to him and told him not to, you don't have to do that." But when the Easter parade came on, we moved downstairs again and left the baskets upstairs. He disappeared for a few minutes (the air magically became fresher) and my aunt wondered, "I wonder where Granddaddy is?" I was about to make a crack, when it occured to me . . . I got up yelling and ran to the stairs, where Granddaddy was standing in front of the bedroom door. You guessed it. He "claimed" that "I just wanted to see what everyone was up to." Nobody believed him. When my mom finally showed up, I was too flabbergasted to even yell at her to stop him, not that she would have anyways. (No, they didn't do anything about this.) So we spent the rest of Easter hiding in Alicia's room with the candy. We hid it behind her bed in a very hard place to get to, covered it in blankets, and then put an alarm of hers on the door that sounded off if anyone entered (we put in the message, "Candy thief!"). Unfortunately it didn't work all the time, and occasionally went off by itself when we were eating dinner. But oh well, at least 3 out of the 4 of us kept our candy intact.

And here's the sad (to me, not to adults, anyway) thing that happened to Kristen: For some reason she hopped onto the coffee table in one room (it wasn't for very long), and Alicia (being jerky) yelled to Aunt Susie that "Kristen was jumping on the coffee table!" Aunt Susie had a complete and total shit fit (in the words of my mother, "She'd rather lose one of the kids than one of her antiques.") and took away all of Kristen's candy. Now come on. Yes, I'll admit that she did a bad thing (even though nothing happened to the table whatsoever), but Kristen was the most excited about the holiday, and she winds up losing everything she got? And on the day before her birthday? That's just sad. Even my mother (but Kristen's her favorite- a fellow middle-child thing) thought she was overreacting. Sure, punish her, but don't do that. That's just kinda mean.

And that's all the news from Easter. The end.

Now that I'm done with that, I think I'll go on to another rant or two about love: Be forewarned that it will be maudlin and filled with loads of sad love quotes.

"Wish there was something real in this world full of you." Nine Inch Nails

This came into my mind on Friday afternoon, when I was waiting for the DC to open up before I went to class. There was this other guy standing around reading the paper, and at first I didn't notice him. But I glanced by and freaked out- from the side he looks a helluva lot like The Moron. And for a second I thought it was The Moron, and thought, "What is he doing waiting down here for me?" before I wised up. And I have been doing this kind of a lot lately. I'll be walking down the street and see some guy who wears similar clothes or has similar hair and think it's The Moron. If I see someone with a facial feature (like the DC guy has his jaw, and one day I saw a guy in poly sci with his nose) like his I keep staring at them. This is kinda frightening. I used to do that with the first guy I was in love with too. I love this hallucinating thing, makes me feel even more sane.

So after that he was kind of on my mind. Although not as bad as it's been in the past. I think I'm getting over him . . . but the sad thing is that I don't want to. Let me rephrase that. I don't want to have to, which is why I don't want to. Sick, sick, sick.

"I'm gonna wash that shirt that smells so much like you,
I'm gonna put away all those pictures, that's something I never thought I'd do.
Oh I wonder what the future has in store
and I know I just don't charm you any more." Song used on Ally McBeal

I've been trying to tell myself that he wouldn't work out in areas of my life anyway. Like at Easter, he's not into candy, so he wouldn't enjoy it like I do (although I had to stop myself from thinking how my cousins would love him- then again, practically every girl does in my experience.). In fact, lately I've been trying to tell myself that he doesn't exist any more, he wasn't real, thinking that would help somehow. I'm not sure if it does, but obviously I don't believe it or I wouldn't be doing this entry. Shoot, during some classes I've been working on writing that long, complicated background story of our relationship so that you'll know what I'm talking about, what references mean what, and why I choose/chose (I can't even pick which one anymore. God!) to stay with an utter idiot. (So far it's going sloooowly.)

It's difficult to end something that I don't want to end. I've read all the articles like "101 Reasons To Be Glad You're Single" (I swear, that one must be in every single teenage magazine I've ever read), and I agree with some of them. I've read every affirming article on the joys of singlehood. But . . . frankly, I'm sick of being single. I'm okay with myself, I know myself as one person and not half of a whole, all that stuff. (The Moron's the first person I ever dated that evoked the desire for semi-commitment out of me, instead of me running out the door whenever some poor schmuck likes me.) I want to try it the couple way for a change. But guess what? I don't get to. Not even remotely anymore, unless I deign to pretend to love any of the guys I've dated or date in the future- and in that case I really don't want to anymore!

And I know that I have to dump him, I have no choice. Everybody keeps telling me that I should find a "decent guy" who will, and I quote Lisa, "treat me like a princess."

But here's a few kickers that are rather strange . . .
1. I'm not attracted to decent guys.
2. I don't want to be treated like a princess.

To explain #1, here's a list of what I'm attracted to in guys:
Cute (by my definition, which may not be the same as others), with a steady stream of ex-girlfriends and could possibly be mistaken to be gay (I know, it frightens me too).
Not a whole lot of intelligence- the C students in high school.
Sarcastic weird losers.
My mother analyzed this one for me- she said that I'm so insecure I choose guys with all the exes so I'm sure that they like girls (and therefore I might have a shot, I guess). The intelligence and loser things are so that I'll have an advantage over the guy, and I'm also sarcastic and weird. Kinda scary when she really nails it on the head there. I've never been really attracted (more than a 1.5 on a 1-10 scale) in my life to a nice, decent, "appropriate" smart guy. Those ones I would have been attracted to, if not for their intelligence. Also, almost all the smart guys I know are techies, and I never have any clue what they're talking about.

How do you change your preferences in guys so that you taste is better? So that I'll want the "decent guys?"

Before I go on, here's some stuff from Dating Iron John by Linda Sunshine that kind of explains how that doesn't happen. It's quite embarrassing how I, someone who thought she didn't fall for bad boys, completely corresponds to this. I've tried to edit when possible.

"There are only two kinds of men in this universe: Nice Guys and Bad Boys. Nice Guys are kind, attentive, and devoted. Bad Boys are aloof, selfish, and unreliable. As a general rule of thumb, we date Nice Guys but are attracted to Bad Boys.
Why are we drawn to Bad Boys? The answer is revealed in the following chart, which analyzes and assigns points to the behavior patterns of both Nice Guys and Bad Boys.
Nice Guys:

Calls every day
-10 for being desperate.
Makes date 2 weeks in advance
-10 for being too available.
Wants a serious relationship
-10 for not finding one.
Works hard to please you
-10 for being dependent.
Extremely interested in your work
-10 for asking so many questions.
Talks about his feelings
-10 because his feelings are never in sync with yours.
Brings you roses
-10 for making you feel guilty for accepting gifts.
Bonus Points:
+10 for always driving a nice car
Total Score: -110.
Bad Boys:

Calls once every 2 weeks
+10 for ever calling.
Calls at last minute for date
+10 for being popular.
Can't make a commitment
+10 for being a challenge.
Only pleases you when he feels like it
+10 for independence.
Extremely interested in his work
+10 for making you into a good listener.
Never discusses his feelings
+10 for allowing you to fantasize how he feels about you.
Never promised you a rose garden
+10 for honesty.
Bonus points:
+250 for always being a great kisser.
Total score: +370. Any questions?"

And as for the "princess" thing . . . well, whenever I've heard that term I've felt very uncomfortable with it. I'm already a spoiled brat child, who is smothered by a bunch of people (especially Mom, Dad, and Grandma). More smothering from a boyfriend is not needed, thanks. Also, when I picture this "princess" thing I picture a guy who would follow me around, constantly giving me flowers and chocolate heart boxes, begging for attention . . . and I start to lose oxygen from suffocation. I'm not that great with gift-giving and romantic gestures, not sure I want too many of them (I'm not good at doing them back- just ask my mother), and I don't want to have a boyfriend around all the time. I've got other things to do in my life. Like homework (which I'm not doing!). Like clubs. Like shopping. I don't want to have a relationship where one person follows the other one around. That's just icky to me.

To tell you the truth, the kind of relationship I'd like to have (at this point in my life, anyway) is a long-distance one. Talk on the phone/e-mail once or twice a week, see him every couple of weeks when I'm home, very laid back. The thing with The Moron is that his last girlfriend (this is what I inferred from what he said about her, although he wasn't derogatory here) wanted to have him around all the time, at her house every night, and he had to work. Shoot, I don't want him at my house all the time- please, not around my parents for that long! I've wondered if I could only tell him this (how would I bring it up, though????) he might go for it. But since of late he obviously doesn't want me around . . . well, fuck that.

"If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse- as a man shoots himself." H.L. Mencken

Right now I'm feeling very cynical about this damnable thing called love. I was talking to Lisa today and she asked me if I wanted to have kids (no- I really think I'll screw one up, or become my mother and spoil the kid into selfishness like me), then she asked me if I thought I'll ever get married. To be honest here, no, I don't. And this is despite the fact that I've already been proposed to twice. But let's face it, the first guy I wanted to kill, and the second guy was well, nuts. The quality of men I attract is very low, and the quality of men I'm attracted to is even lower. And only once have the twain ever met (and look how that turned out). To be honest, I can picture all of my friends getting married, even the ones that are bigger losers than me- but not me. Nuh-uh. And even though I hate what marriage is all about, this still bums me out. I asked my mother if she thought I'd ever get married, and she said yes. I asked why (hoping that this was based on some divine premonition of some sort), and she said that she couldn't imagine that someone wouldn't want to marry me. Which is also what Lisa said today. But my answer was, "But do I want to marry the guys who want to marry me? My taste sucks." Unless I get fed up and settle for someone who likes me more than I like them (hello, Ron and Laurie), I highly doubt this will happen. I've dated many more guys who liked me than guys I actually liked, hoping that my taste will improve and that I'll fall for one back . . . but it hasn't happened so far. I don't know if it ever will. I'm not sure if I should even keep trying to date people that I know in my heart don't attract me sexually.

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."- Johnny Carson

To be honest, I don't even know why I keep having all these sick thoughts about marriage when in my heart, I don't really want to get married. Maybe it's a college thing, sitting in a lounge or on the bus and being forced to listen to yet another engaged coed go on about her fiance. Let's face it, after the honeymoon it's all downhill. Unfortunately in almost all cases the woman is the one forced to do the cooking and cleaning (I hate both- which is one thing I liked about The Moron- he cooked and didn't care about cleaning either. But I always had the impression that even he would expect the woman to do it all), and soon she's expected to start popping children like a Pez dispenser, and after that, rarely having sex again. Not for me, thanks.

You know what I want? I realized that what I really want is to get a fabulous dress, have a huge party where a guy pledges his eternal love for me in public (not that I'd ever believe it, but I like the sentiment), then make love like wild animals in a tropical climate for two weeks. After that, I'd like an annulment, please! Sure, I know this fantasy would NEVER happen in real life (my parents would kill me for the money alone), but hey, the beginning is where the good stuff is!

"If some strange comet hits and I do get married . . . " The Moron

Another thing I liked about The Moron was that he didn't want to get married either. He flips out like I do whenever people tell him that he'll be married young (his stepmother, my Auntie Dolores and Tammy). I don't understand why they say it to me, but I understand why everyone thinks that about him. With all of the girls hanging off him, I'd be surprised if he never took the death dive. Although the weird thing about him was that marriage freaked him out more than kids did (a bad sign to me, since I don't want any- I had this feeling that if we actually were married, he'd decide he wanted kids in a few years. And he would make a cute dad, so I'd feel even worse . . . but that's all conjecture now, isn't it?). IMO, it should be the other way around. If you fuck up a marriage you can get a divorce, but kids are forever.

Something else that bugs me about this love thang: How is it that we all have family members and love them, yet when they die people don't flip out as much (and this is a person you grew up with, who can't be replaced) when some transient person that they fell in love with dumps them. And then they fall for yet another person after swearing that they'd never love another. Did that love mean nothing to them? How can romantic love mean everything and be treated like nothing? I don't understand that at all.

"You know what the most common insanity going today is? It is the idea that love will just come to you, even if you do nothing. Oh, the right one will come along, it'll happen, you just wait. Well, who the hell came up with that? How many couples do you know, how many friends do you have that you can truly say the right one came along? You talk to most people and they will tell you that the right one slipped away. My point. Ask anybody what they want the most- it's love. We all agree: personal happiness is much more important than our own careers and then look at what we do with the hours in our life, the days! Nobody really applies themselves to their personal lives, we just sit back and assume that will take care of itself. Well, sometimes it doesn't." Ally McBeal, from Ally McBeal

She hit the nail on the head, and this leads to my next point of inquiry: The waiting for Prince Charming. I get this from certain relatives of mine all the time. Uncle Bruce does it. Les does it the most. He'll tell me the joys of marrying a chick smarter than him, and how the right one will show up if I just wait.

Well, how do you know????

I used to think that would happen, that it was destined for everybody. Until I started to look around and realized that it doesn't. Some people look for love all their lives, it never comes/is found/whatever, and they die single and alone.

"What if you never meet anybody, you never do anything, and you end up one of those New York deaths where nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hallway?" Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally

Some people go through men like Kleenex and still may not have found "The One" (Elizabeth Taylor, that one was for you). Some people don't find it until they're getting pretty old. Some people find it multiple times. And it seems to me that only a lucky few (unfortunately I'm around a bunch of them) find "The One." And I don't exactly feel like I'll be one of them. And even if I am, I really hate the idea of waiting for "my prince to come." I'm not Snow White, and I don't want to waste my life dreaming of "The Man Who Will Change Your Life" for twenty, thirty years, and not have him show up. I don't think that I am the kind of person that it happens to. As I'll explain someday, I thought that The Moron was it. I had a sign from God, for crying out loud (hint: it has to do with the frog) here! And if that wasn't meant to be, with the one person that I've ever met that understood what I was talking about, that our little idiosyncracies matched, that was my other half (for a time)- then it's not going to happen. I cannot imagine anybody being better for me than him, I really can't. I found a link below on this by Cintra Wilson, and in her article she mentions making a list of everything she wanted in a man. In six months, she got him! I thought this was just excellent and started to write one- but other than adding superficial stuff like "rich"- I couldn't do it. You see, The Moron had everything that I would have written down. So I'm fucked. And unless we're meant to reunite later on in life (and I'm not thrilled with this much either- I'd rather grab happiness for as much time as I can, dammit! Not waste five years or so of time! Guys die earlier, so you gotta get 'em while they're hot and I'm hot- boy, that did sound silly, didn't it?), then I don't understand anything, and this true love thing can't be intended for me after all.

Links to other sites on the Web

Icon Bazaar (egg bar, rabbit, e-mail)
Cintra Wilson article- Valentine's Day
Lorraine's Animation Creations (heart row)
Graphic Station (?,tear, lightning, torch)

Page last updated: April 13, 1998.
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