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In further post-breakup news, Rem has seemed almost perfectly fine about it. He did ask if I was prepared (well, I forget the exact word, that's not quite it) for him to date other women, and I said "Somewhat."
Went out to Rumsey Friday night, around 3 a.m.(!) or so. I didn't find out till like, 1 or so, that he was going to do that. I asked if I could come along, well, more like would he like it if I came along, and he said he didn't care. Oh, that's nice. I want to say "Look, if you don't want me along, just say so", and in fact I might have, 'cause my memory is being fuzzy on that. He eventually decided that I'd be good to have along to keep him awake. Okay, afterward he said nicer stuff, but "I don't care" is kinda unflattering. Am I just being a paranoid girl about this, or what? I can't even tell...
Anyway, while doing that I asked him if there was anything he might break up with me about in the future if I didn't fix it. So he comes out with a long list of stuff...sounding like my parents (sigh). I felt such the infant, though I know I am one (more on that later). Driving, getting a job, not being so baffled by certain technologies and saying that I can't do it, wishing I could lift heavy things (he told me to eat more and exercise...I did that through high school, and I look exactly the same). I know a lot of it is like, required by now in life, but geez, weightlifting? Picky, picky...I told him to get another girlfriend, a weightlifter, and he said "But I want you," and then said that I'm "so close." To what, I am not exactly sure...He said the bad stuff was a small fraction of it, and then complimented me much...awww. That helped, anyway.
Though the "but I want you" part makes me wonder. We were having this discussion last night (when we finally went to bed "after" the party. It was still going, but I had parents to deal with in the morning, and needed sleep. However, apparently things didn't break up till around six am, and I didn't get to sleep till then. Then my frigging watch alarm went off at six-thirty for some reason...I'm on little sleep now.) about his polyness. I have a hard time imagining what life must be like for him, lusting after so frigging many people he'd like to have something going with and can't, though he says he's used to it. There are so few people I've been very attracted to in my life, I can't imagine two at the same time, much less many. I do feel some guilt about him and certain people he hasn't been able to pick up with because of me. Though he says that if it wasn't me, it'd be someone else and the same problem. I dunno, it may be a silly thing to kinda feel bad about.
Weird thing: He said he likes it when I cook for him (sigh), he admitted it's rather a stereotype, but mainly liked a. he wasn't doing it, and b. I was actually doing for myself. Sheesh, I have managed to make myself food for years, after all. I'm not QUITE that bad. Though the idea of being the little woman cooking makes me shudder. Much.
The party was cool, but today was uh, stressful. Parents came to visit, and were not fun. Bitched at me most of the time, as usual. They're quite pissed that I don't have a job yet, that I don't know things, that I don't care about them, that I'm a huge baby.
And they're right. I don't wanna grow up. Never have wanted to. Don't want to be fully independent- too much work for me. Mom was trying to tell me that independence equals freedom, but it feels more like to me that I'm still chained to things. Only instead of chained to parents, it'd be more like chained to a job and obligations. Whee, what fun. I can't say that motivates me to want to be an adult. Yes, I'm incredibly immature mentally. My body just keeps getting older and older and older without my permission or readiness, and it keeps hitting new milestones of ridiculousness. "I'm 20 and I still don't drive...I'm 21 and I still don't drive..."etc, etc.
And I'm so scared to get a job. Apply for one, I mean. I have very little to put on a resume. I'm blank on how to write one. Nobody has anything good to say about me in a work situation, so no references. I don't want to have to "sell myself" to people I don't know. I'm not that hot on myself, how am I supposed to make other people think that I'm wonderful? Much rather get a job with someone I know (i.e. Christine's pomology job thing that I probably mentioned yesterday), but who knows about that. Haven't gotten to talk to her about it. But someone I know sure beats trying to interview, etc.
Did put in for a temporary job (three days work, around $80 collected hopefully), which I will find out if I got tomorrow. Kinda suspecting I won't, as the girl in question who supposedly had the job hasn't confirmed with her yet, and I figure that's just a matter of time. But oh well, whatever will be...and if I don't get it, at least I can sleep in Friday (would have to be at school from 7 a.m. to 5 p.m.! Ouch!). So need to get a bank account at a bank in Davis too before I get a job anyway...Mom insisted I get an account at Bank of the West because it's free (and Wells Fargo ain't), but there isn't a BoftheW here, and I can't really access my money. Drives me nuts.
I should get off this and actually DO something.
Oh, on the classes thing: Was going to attempt to sign up for drama 20 when I was finally allowed via the pass system, but it's full now (sigh). Oh well, will only have three classes then, unless I get into any 100 classes (hopeful). At least they're both scheduled after a class I already have. No Fridays, and no class MW till 2 pm. =)
Have noticed that Rem has developed a new way of managing tne night off bit- just saying "I'm going (some place)" and leaving it alone. No mention of the words. This is mildly confuzzling to me, but it's not like I know how to handle it any better...it just takes me a bit of time to get "I'm going to Rumsey" as "I'm going to Rumsey and don't want you to come along." I don't know if I'm too hot with this idea, but what can I say, really? He semi-has a conniption fit when Those Words come up. But I just feel kinda weird once I get it. It's one thing to label it time off and I know, another one for me to have to stop assuming he wants me around. Which I guess I must do, as he is also weird on me going places with him. Well, some places. Oh, I'm just baffled.
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