Before I start, I still haven't heard from Sarah. I'll have to try calling her parents tomorrow.
The bimbos are pissing me off again- I'll put it this way, Chelsea REALLY flips out if the door's locked. Even if a psycho might come in, she wants that door unlocked. How obnoxious is that? And MUST THEY scream all fucking night outside the door?
The pizza party that was supposed to be tonight? Well, I guess that got canceled, as no one was down by the pool. I got in about 5:55 and when I went by Angela's room I saw her lying on her bed in a heap. Went back later to see what was going on, but she wasn't there, Jensen's place was dark. Here we go again. Naturally I am pissed off, but well, maybe with what I realized it's for the best that I don't see him.
Today's Relevant Quotes:
"Love is like epidemic diseases. The more one fears it the more likely one is to contract it." -Nicholas ChamfortTo explain why the love crap, I'd like to remind you of what I said from yesterday:
(On what falling in love is like) "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -Roger, 9 yrs.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." -Lynda BarrySome of Dilbert's Words of Wisdom:
* Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
* There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
* Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
"I shouldn't humor myself that he's in lust back (I almost typed in "love." Oh my God. No no no, Jen, we're not going to do this love thing again, just because he's being nice to Crisis Girl doesn't mean you can do that! It's only pure lust! Stay with that thought.) with me right now, as I am still feeling even needier than usual."I can't remember exactly when this occurred to me, maybe when I finally went to bed last night, maybe this morning, sometime around then. But this thought occurred to me:
I think I am starting to fall for Jensen.
Oh dear God.
Now, I've only fallen for guys twice in my life, both times at a pretty fast speed. #1 was at first sight (or so I thought), and #2 was over the course of one evening. So as you can see, I go pretty fast when I go. I think this may be the first time I've recognized what I'm doing. Hell, with #1 there was no time, and #2 I didn't really realize what had gone on until the morning after when I woke up and went, "What the hell went on last night?" I'm not even sure HOW I realized what I was feeling, I can't remember now, but well, I was feeling romantic and doing silly daydreams, and for once they weren't my usual kind about him involving lip lock in a closet. Not hugely lustful, but romantic crap. Oh no.
I can't do this again. I CAN'T. I can't take this going crazy crap, AGAIN. Don't I have enough in life to worry about? I mean, bad enough I was lusting after this guy. Bad enough that so far it's been my worst lust. But at least I wasn't in love with him, I barely knew him, and all I knew was his job position and that we had very little in common.
But now I got to know him a bit. And he was nice. No jerky crap, SO FAR. I KNOW that's his job and he's SUPPOSED to do that, I KNOW that! I know that's not a he's-got-a-crush-on-me thing. But this is somewhat like #2: I got to know his personality . . . and I liked it. We were laughing over the same stuff, that's cool, and I just liked him there, he was really nice . . . okay, this is coming from still-slightly-messed-up girl (I'm not so messed up today, but then again I've had classes taking my mind off of uh, things, plus a headache that came on me. Anyway, I'm more haunted by what Mom said than from anything else- having him come after me, whatever.).
But there are so many reasons why I can't do this. The RA thing. I can't say if it's mutual, but I doubt he'd think it was a good idea to be macking on the residents. Even I wouldn't think it was a good idea.
Then there's me. My tendency to go crazy. I don't want to go there. I REALLY don't want to go there. Again. You've "seen" what I'm like then. It ain't pretty.
Besides, this one isn't "The One" or any crazy stuff like that, I know that. We don't have THAT much in common.
I've got to prevent this, I really do. How do you prevent yourself from falling for someone? I've got to discover that, and FAST. I don't want to spend the year pining over him in addition to lusting over him.
It's been some hours since I realized this, and I feel "better" now. Less nuts, more rational. My best bet is to avoid him. Which, I suppose, shouldn't be hard, if no meetings are being held or anything like that.
But hearing stuff out of Demma like "you can't avoid it," "you will go crazy," IS NOT HELPING.
I don't wanna do this love crap again.
© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu