Quantum Leap: The GFFA Experience - Bria Tharen
The lecture hall would have been in complete darkness, if it hadn’t been for the lozenge of white light in the
carpetted space in front of the descending tiers of worn leather benches. The students upon those benches
chattered, and muttered, and talked in hushed yet eager tones of what was about to transpire. Suddenly the
multitude of voices quieted, as if muted to give way to the new sound that now echoed from young ear to
young ear. Crisp, clicking footsteps in the corridor outside, coming closer now, now outside the door . . .
The footsteps were muffled as the Speaker left the polished tile of the outer hall. He walked to the overhead
projector, who’s sound - though previously invisible in the pre speech chatter - hummed like a tiny jet
aeroplane. The Speaker shuffled a set of perspex sheets, finally finding the one he was after. He placed it on
the OHP, and adjusted the focus of the machines lens until he was satisfied. He walked to the lectern in the
centre of the floor and cleared his throat. And spoke:
“Plagiarism” - a roar, then descending to his usual commanding tone - “in fan fiction - fanfic, for those in the know - is rampant in the amateur literary - and I use the word on advise - works of today. It is often used to bolster an otherwise uninteresting piece of writing. It is often used when the author has no imagination. Both of these foul excuses can be seen here . . .” From a pocket in his leather elbowed tweed jacked he whipped out a small silver pellet and pointed it at the screen to his right A red point of light danced across the script painted there by the OHP. He continued to speak. “At this time, perhaps I should mention that author of this story is a perpetrator of a third crime - the crossover. Now, before any of you young wags want to point out that there are some upsides to the crossover - or xover, as it is sometimes referred to as - let me point out that I am not in the least little bit adverse to this subgenre. Recently, I enjoyed an episode of Chris Carter’s ‘The X-Files’, in which Detective John Munch from the television programme ‘Homicide: Life On The Streets’ made an appearance. But *this* is a meeting for meetings sake - a crossover for crossovers sake . . .” - his voice a growl for a moment, the students watching, to enthralled to take notes - “an xover, for xovers sake. This will not do. The ‘plot’ concerns a Doctor Samuel Beckett from popular SF, or ‘skiffy’ programme ‘Quantum Leap’. He ‘leaps’ into the body of a Master Luke Skywalker, from the popular ‘Star Wars’ film series - and what happens? Nothing. Set during a ‘Star Wars’ spin-off novel (a subgenre which has its own flavour of hell, may I add) Mr Beckett sits and waits to be told what to do, while Skywalker discovers what is happening from a personal organizer of sorts, and Sam follows his instruction. These events make use of stock footage from other people's novels in the way that Irwin Allen or the production crew of the ‘Back To The Future’ movies would be proud of. You can hear the prose break into a professional standard - and would surely spot it even if the author hadn’t seen fit to point out to us exactly where they had stolen paragraphs. The characterization is missing. The writing is poor at best. The plot; non existent. This is a story which, if I were among you in the stalls, I would avoid like the proverbial plague. But,” The Speaker’s beard parted and a broad, malicious grin was clearly visible. His eyes flamed. “But, it is on your reading lists. And let me whet your appetites with a couple of choice lines . . .” The Speaker adjusted his half moon spectacles, and took a from the pile of documents rested on the lectern. He began to read. “Suddenly there was a tingling in Sam's mind, and he felt Leia probing him. She gasped as she withdrew.” There were some groans from the stalls as students wished that they could swap courses with other, luckier colleagues. The Speaker grinned evilly at them. They both knew that the lecture had only just begun . . .
Apologies, but I had to get that skit out of my head and into electrons. If you have never had a teacher like the one above, then substitute Brian Blessed or John Rhys Davies for him. [1.5/5]
Dino Wars - Brandon Caudle
They’re huge, they’re dangerous, and they’re coming right at you! Yes, it’s ‘Attack Of The Typos’ in full
3D shockorama vision. This story is a Star Wars/Jurassic Park crossover - not that Sam Neill or Jeff
Goldblum appear. Instead, the story is about Isla Nubla, a planet which contains a mass reserve of a fuel
called ‘gas’, as well as a shop load of angry dinos which have been newly revived by a magic gun. The planet
is ruled by La’tego Trekkine who has kindly extended an invitation to the Family Solo, but unknown to
them, the evil Empire sees the dinosaurs as a potential weapon, and is now shipping them off to a
Republican planet. This is all well and good, but why on earth did Trekkine resurrect the dinosaurs in the
first place? At one stage it seems that he wants to turn Nubla into a giant petrol pump, though why he needs
a herd of Tyrannosaurus Rexes running the place, I don’t know. There is also a sense of pointlessness about
the story - Luke and co arrive, have a snoop about and then leave. Then there are the inconsistencies with
the dinos themselves. The author obviously wanted to bring Jurrassic Park screaming into the SW universe,
but then screws around with its rules by having metal plated dinos and psychic links - it turns out to be more
like Dino Riders, if anyone remembers that. And last but not least, there are the massive amounts of typos
that should really have been filtered out before upload. Not a very good story, then. [2/5]
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