Things I Learned as a Child

• No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
• When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
• If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
• Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
• Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
• Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
• Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
• School lunches stick to the wall.
• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
• Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
• The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
• It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
• It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
• A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
• Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
• Twelve is a lot older than eight.
• Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
• Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
• If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
• Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
• You can't start over just because you're losing the game.
• A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
• All libraries smell the same.
• If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
• Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
• Silence can be an answer.
• If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
• Don't nod on the phone.

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