My Favorite Quotes

Here is some miscellanious funny and weird stuff. Note: this was compiled with a lot of material in the Principia Discordia. If you don't know what it is, or who wrote it, well... you're probably not cleared for it. Fnord. A lot of this also comes from the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galexy, a trilogy of four parts, written by Douglas Adams.

• "In the beginning the Universe was created. This had made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "Uglier things have been spotted in the skies, but not by reliable witnesses." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "...that you will wish you had never been born - or (if you are a clearer minded thinker) that the Vogon had never been born." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "It has been said that the Vogons are not above a little brivery and corruption in the same way that the sea is not above the clouds..." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "The protruding upper halves of the letters now appear, in the local language, to read ‘Go stick your head in a pig’,..." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’If you have enjoyed the expericance of this drink,’ continued the machine, ‘why don’t you share it with  your friends?’
  ‘Because,’ said Arthur, ‘I want to keep them.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "Much to his annoyance, a thought popped into his mind." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "This was the gist of the notice. It said ‘The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "...to prove that the guilty party in this case was Life itself for failing to be either beautiful or true. The judges concurred, and in a moving speech held that Life itself was in contempt of the court..." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "...don’t try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’The Zaphod Beeblebrox?’
  ‘No, just a Zaphod Beeblebrox, didn’t you hear I come in six packs?’"
• "’...It said you were dead...’
  ‘Yeah, that’s right,’ said Zaphod, ‘I just haven’t stopped moving yet.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’So how are you?’ he said aloud.
  ‘Oh fine,’ said Marvin, ‘if you happen to like being me which personally I don’t.’"
  - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• [talking about a elevator]:
  "’Afraid?’ cried Zaphod, ‘Of what? Heights? An elevator that’s afraid of heights?’
  ‘No,’ said the elevator miserably, ‘of the future...’
  ‘The future?’ exclaimed Zaphod, ‘What does the wretched thing want, a pension scheme?’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’You know something?’ said Zaphod to Marvin.
  ‘More than you can possibly imagine.’ - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’They’ll have to come and get me first.’
  ‘They have come and got you,’ said Roosta, ‘look out of the window.’
  ‘The ground’s going away!’ he gasped, ‘where are they taking the ground?’"
  - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’If I ever meet myself,’ said Zaphod, ‘I’ll hit myself so hard I won’t know what hit me.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "The left-hand tower of the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galexy offices streaked through interstellar space at a speed never equalled either before or since by any other office block in the Universe." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "The building will shortly be landing..." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’I am here,’ said the voice slowly, ‘My body wanted to come but it’s a bit busy at the moment. Things to do, people to see... you knkow how it is with bodies.’"
  - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’We always had the greatest arguments over sex  and fishing. Eventually we tried to combine the two, but that only led to disaster as you can probably imagine.’"
  - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’My name is Pizpot Gargravarr. Says it all really doesn’t it?’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "He was clearly a man of many qualities, even if they were mostly bad ones."
  - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Nine hundred years...’ he breathed to himself. That was how late the ship was."
  - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "He smiled the smile that Zaphod had wanted to hit and this time Zaphod hit it."
  - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "...trying to work out which way was up. He tested the theory that it must lie in the opposite direction from the cold hard shore on which he was lying, and staggered to what he hoped were his feet." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "The fronting for the eighty-yard long marble-topped bar had been made by stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean Mosaic Lizard skins, despite the fact that the twenty thousand lizards concerned had needed them to keep their insides in."
  - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "Zaphod grinned two manic grins, sauntered over to the bar and brought most of it."
  - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "One of the major problems of time travel is... one of grammer." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "It is built on the fragmented remains of an eventually ruined planet which is enclosed in a vast time bubble and projected forward in time to the precise moment of the End of the Universe.
  This is, many would say, impossible.
  In it, guests take their places at tables and eat sumptuous meals whist watching the whole of creation explode around them.
  This, many would say, is equally impossible.
  You can arrive for any sitting you like without prior reservation because you can book retrospectively, as it were when you return to your own time.
  This is, many would now insist, absolutely impossible.
  At the Restaurant you can meet and dine with a fasinating cross-section of the entire population of space and time.
  This, it can be explained patiently, is also impossible.
  You can visit it as many times as you like and be sure of never meeting yourself, because of the embarrassment this usually causes.
  This, even if the rest were true, which is isn’t, is patently impossible, say the doubters.
  All you have to do is deposit one penny in a savings account in your own era, and when you arrive at the End of Time the operation of compound interest means that the fabulous cost of your meal has been paid for.
  This, many claim, is not merely impossible but clearly insane, which is why the advertising executives of the star system Bastablon came up with this slogan: ‘If your’ve done six impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Milliways, the Restaurant at the end of the Universe?’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Listen Ford,’ said Zaphod, ‘everything’s cool and froody.’
  ‘You mean everything’s under control.’
  ‘No,’ said Zaphod, ‘I do not mean everything’s under control. That would not be cool and froody.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "...all the paraphanalia common to all Restaurants where little expense has been spared to give the impression that no expense had been spared." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’...and...’ said Ford again, wondering what would be a good word to say after ‘and’.
  The large man came up with a whole sentance to go after ‘and’. He said it.
  ‘And I am Mr Desiato’s bodyguard,’ it went, ‘and I am responsible for his body, and I am not responsible for yours, so take it away before it gets damaged.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’He’s spending a year dead for tax reasons.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’The Universe as we know it has now been in existance for over one hundred and seventy thousand million billion years and will be ending in a little over a half an hour." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’That’s not the point,’ Arthur protested. Then he thought about it for a moment. ‘Alright,’ he said, ‘maybe it is the point. I don’t care, I’m not going to think about ir right now.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’...we’re having a great time. Food, wine, a little personal abuse and the Universe going foom.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’The first ten million years were the worst,’ said Marvin, ‘and the second then million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn’t enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "the paintwork and accessory detail clearly said ‘Not only am I rich enough to afford this ship, I am also rich enough to not take it seriously.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’... looks like a fish, moves like a fish, steers like a cow.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "Zaphod moved forward to it, slowly, like a man possessed - or more accurately like a man who wanted to possess." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "In the Restaurant, things were fast approaching the moment after which there wouldn’t be any more moments." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Er, how are we for time?’ he said, ‘have I just got a min-’
  And so the Universe ended." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’It’s the wild color scheme that freaks me... Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls that are labelled in black on a black background, a little black light lights up black to let you know you’ve done it.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’I wonder who this ship belongs to anyways,’ said Arthur.
  ‘Me,’ said Zaphod.
  ‘No. Who it really belongs to.’
  ‘Really me,’ insisted Zaphod, ‘look, property is theft, right? Therefore theft is property. Therefore this ship is mine, OK?’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "...the lead singer who had locked himself in the bathroom with a bottle of pills and was refusing to come out till it could be proved conclusively to him that he wasn’t a fish." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "... and had found a small stone that would be his friend." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’But I’ve just had a report that a representative of Disaster Area met with the environmentalists at lunchtime, and had them all shot, so nothing now lies in the way of..." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Ford,’ he said, ‘how many escape capsules are there?’
  ‘None,’ said Ford.
  Zaphod gibbered.
  ‘Did you count them?’ he yelled.
  ‘Twice,’ said Ford." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "...the foreman had explained that it was the finest, most powerful and sophisticated teleport that money could but and the accountant had explained that the money did not wish to buy it." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "Arthur woke up and instantly regretted it." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "The first thing that hit their eyes was what appeared to be a coffin.
  And the next four thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine things that hit their eyes were also coffins." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’A telephone sanitizer?’ said Arthur, ‘a dead telephone sanitizer?’
  ‘Best kind.’
  ‘But what’s he doing here?’
  Ford peered through the top at the figure within.
  ‘Not a lot,’ he said." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "The designer of the gun had clearly not been instructed to beat about the bush. ‘Make it evil,’ he’d been told. ‘Make it totally clear that this gun has a right end and a wrong end. Make it totally clear to anyone standing at the wrong end that things are going badly for them. If that means sticking all sort of spikes and prongs and blackened bits all over it then so be it. This is not a gun for hanging over the fireplace or sticking in the umbrella stand, it is a gun for going out and making people miserable with.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Out,’ he said. People who can supply that ammount of fire power don’t need to supply verbs as well." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "Number Two’s eyes narrowed and became what are know in the Shouting and Killing People trade as cold slits, the idea presumably being to give your opponent the impression that you have lost your glasses or are having difficulty keeping awake. What this is fightening is an, as yet, unresolved problem." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Trouble with a long journey like this is that you end up just talking to yourself a lot, which get terribly boring because half the time you know what you’re gong to say next.’
  ‘Only half the time?’
  The captain thought a moment.
  ‘Yes, about half  I’d say.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "...red, and occasionally green with the blood..." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "In his mind the Universe still divided into two parts - the Earth, and everything else. The Earth having been demolished to make way for a hyperspace bypass meant that this view of things was a little lopsided..." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "Sometimes he would pause for days, just to see what it was like." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’How long have you been doing this?’
  ‘Ah,’ said the man, ‘this is a question about the past is it?’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Out there?’ said the man, ‘out where?’
  ‘Out there!’ said Zariwoop pointing at the door.
  ‘How can you tell there’s anything out there?’ said the man politely, ‘the door’s closed.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "He then talked to his table for a week to see how it would react." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "For a full two minutes nothing continued to happen." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Ugghhuuggghhrrrr uh uh ruh uurgh,’ he said quietly.
  This caught Arthur by suprise." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Yes! Total warfare! The war to end all wars!’"
  ‘But there’s no one even living there yet!’
  Ah, interesting, thought the crowd, nice point." - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’And,’ he roared, ‘we interrogated a gazelle!’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’They’ve been outevolved by telephone sanitizers.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Probably spelt crzjgrdwldiwdc again, poor bastard. I keep telling him there’s only one g in crzjgrdwldiwdc.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Totally mad,’ he said, ‘utter nonsense. But we’ll do it because it’s brilliant nonsense.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’That’s it.’
  ‘Six by nine. Fourty-two.’
  ‘That’s it. That’s all there is.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’We were just about to do nothing for a while but it can wait.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’Does it worry you that you don’t talk any kind of sense?’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "’I read of one planet off in the seventh dimension that got used as a ball in a game of intergalactic bar billiards. Got potted straight into a black hole. Killed ten billion people.’
  ‘That’s mad,’ said Mella.
  ‘Yes, only scored thirty points too.’" - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• "In the beginning, God created the hamster. Then the hamster ate God." - Eric Lis
• "And then you’ll sue me, and that’s OK because I have no money." - Mr. Nathan
• "What are you going to do about it?"
  "Nothing. It doesn’t bother me."
  "Yeah, but it annoys the hell out of me, and I’m the one with the gun!" - Kevin Solomon
• "Save a tree, eat a beaver." - Source unknown
• "Or I’ll snap your fingers off at the knees!" - Mr. Bindman
• "Satan for president! Why go for the lesser of two evils?" - Source unknown
• "How much treasure has been found?"
  "As of yesterday?"
  "Yes."
  "None."
  "That’s not a lot." - IBM radio commercial
• "My balony has a first name. It has three ‘z’s and a silent ‘q’..." - Kevin Solomon
• "My life is now incomplete on a whole new level!" - Kevin Solomon
• "Whatever you do, you’ll regret it." - Ari Sochaczevski
• "Where are you?"
  "I’m here."
  "No, you’re not." - Overheard conversation
• "...and then he shot himself."
  "Badly?"
  "No, extremely well." - Monty Python
• "Never use a large word when a diminutive one will suffice." - Source unknown
• "What a lovely fire. Kinda makes me wish we had a fireplace there." - Garfield
• "I’ve just had an apostrophe."
  "I think you mean an epiphany."
  "Lightening has just struck my brain."
  "That must hurt." - Hook
• "The following program contains material that may not be offensive to some viewers. View discretion, then, is pretty much unnessesery." - Comics!
• "Have we turned into gerbils, ladies and gentlemen?!?"
  "Yes!!!" - Denis Leary
• "Let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to speak to the king of the potato people to plead with him for your freedom, and you’re telling me you’re completely sane?" - Red Dwarf
• "Red light... Green light... Purple light..."
  "What the...?"
  BOOM! - Julie Golick
• "He’s dead."
  "Fix him." [pulls a gun]
  "I’ll see what I can do." - Movie commercial
• "War is much more fun when you’re winning!" - Source unknown
• "Oh. I think I’m OK now. Maybe now I can WIN SELF-DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH-MOLDAMIAN PEOPLE!!!" - Red Dwarf
• "My uncle used to say ‘Live every day of your life as if it were your last.’ Which is why I don’t have any clen clothes; I mean, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life?" - Source unknown
• The copper rule: "Do unto other before they do unto you."
  The bronze rule: "Do unto others, then run!"
  The golden rule: "Do unto others as you wish done unto you."
  The platnum rule: "Do unto others as they wish done unto them."
  The magneseum rule: "Just burn them!"
  The Flibble rule: "Shoot them and get on with your life."
  The silver rule: There is no silver rule.
  - Julie Golick
• "He came to life... Good for him!" - Simpsons
• "One neutron + One proton = One whan-ton" - Eric Lis
• "It’s a definite maybe!" - Julie Golick
• "The society of flat Earth will have its annual meeting and picnic on Sunday. Meeting to be held on the North Edge." - Eric Lis
• "And if he told you to jump off the Empire State Building, would you do it?"
  "Not again!" - Eric Lis
• "Do not try the patience of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup." - Source unknown
• Words of wisdom:
  - What goes in must come out.
  - To destroy a book is to destroy a legacy.
  - To smash one’s head through a window is extremely painful.
  - Kevin Solomon
• "The first piano was built long after.... they didn’t have any." - Victor Bourga
• "There is absolutely no cannibalism in this navy, and when I say absolutely none I mean a certain ammount." - Monty Python
• "Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you’ll be a mile away and have their shoes." - Source unknown
• "Kids! Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your own home." - Good Omens
• "It wasn’t a dark and stormy night. It should have been, but that’s the weather for you." - Good Omens
• "He was just killing time until the main event, but he was killing it in such exquisite ways. Time, and sometimes people." - Good Omens
• "Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men." - Good Omens
• If all the worlds a stage, then this play sucks. I want a refund.
• If all the worlds a stage, then we need to hire better actors.
• This statement is false.
• May you sit on a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.
• Always beware of people who smile excessively.
• This space intentionally left blank.
• The uproar of one hand clapping.
• The Earth quakes and the Heavens rattle; the beasts of nature flock together, and the nations of man flock apart; volcanos usher up heat while elsewhere water becomes ice and melts; and on other days it just rains.
• "Did you know that there is a million bucks hidden in the house next door?"
  "But there is no house next door."
  "No? Then let's go build one!"
• Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm mad but not ill.
• It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.
• You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly too.
• Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.
• No two equals are the same.
• Everybody I know who is right always agrees with me.
• All statements are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense.
• Dull but sincere filler.
• If the telephone rings today...water it!
• Hint: Infinity is larger than 3.
• Be nice to other people; they outnumber you 5.5 billion to one.
• Everywhere we look, starts and galexies are moving away from us a great speed. Current theories put this down to the universe expanding. It is also possible that they simply want to get away from us...
• When in question, or in doubt, run in circles, scream, and shout.
• Anvil. anvil, in the sky, silly anvil, you can't fly! WHAM!
• (sung) Ten chubby angels with fat wings, too big to fly, they crash into things.

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