Lawyer Jokes
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No? Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of $%!*?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$%.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Longer jokes
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
"How much do you want it to be?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that
she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then
asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price.
For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can
get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little
girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's
brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of
brain?" the doctor replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's
father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said
and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long
line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and
one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to
the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The
lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so
special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for
which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about
193 years old!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was
asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a
shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of
them."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it
to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their
respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their
new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such,
St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight
from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn
(cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of
lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be
spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the
Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly
wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads
on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until
they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete
indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and
turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state
of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that
lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of
terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly
and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted
with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you
here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy
gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up
here!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the
judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer
of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have
him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his
fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
witness.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen
lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and
it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the
jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict
yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing
nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross
the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out
some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below
the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask
that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you
tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in
a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That
man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried
about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front
page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations
at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with
the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he
dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There
sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
*you're* going to find a lawyer?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are
mythological creatures.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they
were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit,
but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being
conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2) Lawyers breed faster.
3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4) There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human
beings.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's
not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay
with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living
in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out
to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the
berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous
quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he
could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his
gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the
other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told
you that the Czech was in the Male?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court
when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it
be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know
what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything
there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to
be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins:
'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've
treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see
it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin
headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a
diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.
I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after
the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is
the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal
your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking
at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you
addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into
stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of
Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of
Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the
patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.
Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and
the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you
pass the kidney stone?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some
into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of
the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we
produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw
it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the
bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and
begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the
world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare
and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...".
Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more
time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws
the Lawyer through it...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer
answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher
hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would
be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the
lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country
when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a
farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he
had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with
the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom
door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is
a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with
a pig!"
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious
problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst
through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't
sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had
no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow
entered...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,
one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one
to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to
write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change
the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the
front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"),
the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with
all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of
the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures
described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note
that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also
being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by
him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the
party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
BTW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing
his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3)
Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
...And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St.
Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a
panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15
cents and tell him to go to hell."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on
your feet.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One
was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
**********************************************************************
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest
attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car
wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony
to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter,
drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie,
or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
Blonde Jokes | Irish IQ Test | Yo mamma's so fat jokes | Cathead Jokes | Racist Jokes | Lawyer Jokes |
| The Difference Between Men And Women | Classic Pickup Lines | The Fart Chart | Beer Jokes |
|
Start Page |