I watched as the hospital got further and further away. "We can't have another episode like that," I thought to myself. I glanced at my mother and frowned at the distraught expression on her face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, don't worry yourself over it. Just some things at work," she said quickly. She seemed nervous, her words coming out choppy and hurried.

"Ok, just curious. Can I do something with Zac when I get home?" I was anxious to see him. I hadn't talked to him since his visit a few days earlier.

"Diana says he's still grounded." My mother seemed to be distracted by something, and I was determined to fine out what.

"Oh, so I can't see him?"

"No. What's going on with you two anyways? You seem more anxious to see each other. Diana says you're all Zac talks about." She looked over at me inquiringly.

"Nothing," I muttered. I didn't feel like explaining our situation to her. She had no right prying into my business. If Zac and I wanted to have a relationship it was our business and no one elses. Her prying had distressed me for some reason and I no longer wanted to see Zac or anyone for that matter.

I climbed the stairs to my room and pulled out my diary. It was my sanctuary, my one true friend. It was there through good times and bad, tears and laughter. The solitary thing that I had come to depend on. I flipped through it's dog-eared pages to a fresh sheet.

Dear Diary, Everything has been so absourd. I was in the hospital after a fainting spell, but that's not important. Zac's been acting really distant lately, like he regrets us starting a relationship. I wish he would just confide in me the way I confide in you. But I guess he will only do that once I learn to confide in him. He knows that something is up with me and he keeps questioning me. I wish he would stop because I don't know how much longer I can keep this from him. It's not like it's a big deal or anything, but I would just like to keep it private because I know what he'll say. 'Why do you need to lose weight? You're fine like that.' But I just wish that he would understand. I'm not fine like this, I will never be fine like this. He's not the one that has to be perfect. He has everything going for him. I wish I had an ounce of what he had, then I could be a part of his perfectness. I don't even know why I am doing this to myself anymore. It's the one part of my life that I have control over and I feel as though if I stop now I'll lose that sense of control for good. I can't lose that control. It's comforting, I couldn't have control over my dad leaving, or pop dying. If I let this go I have nothing. I think I'll have to tell someone what's going on. I've read about anorexics and I know that that is not me. I'm not anorexic. Anorexic girls are skinny, they're really skinny. When I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I'm proud of myself, I haven't eaten for 2 weeks now, and if I do eat I punish myself. I can't eat. Food is the enemy here. If I eat I lose control, and I need control. I don't like punishing myslef but I have to do it. if I didn't run all tha way I can feel the fat cells forming in my legs and tummy. Maybe I really should tell someone. If there is one person that I feel I could confide in about my secret I think that it would be Taylor, I don't know why. He seems as though he won't critize me; just listen and hold me. That's all I've ever wanted. Security. I've never had it and Zac and Taylor always have.

I miss my dad so much. I don't want to bring it up with mom though. She seems like she's in too much pain over the whole thing and she doesn't really discuss it. The thing that hurts the most though is that he never said goodbye. He just left, without a note, a phone call or anything and he took a piece of me the day he left. I wish he would just call. What I wouldn't give to hear him call me 'princess' again. He said he loved me and that he would never leave me. Everyone leaves me. Why do they put me throught this? Everytime I feel like I can trust someone, they leave me.

Tiny teardrops formed into my eyes and caused small splotches of smeared blue ink on the pages of my diary. It wasn't something foreign to me. Many of the pages had been smeared by my tears, and as always, there was no one there to kiss them away.

"Mom, when do I get off grounding?" Zac slammed his bedroom door shut and yelled down from the top of the stairs.

"Zac you still have another 2 days." Diana stood at the bottom of the stairs and placed her hands on her hips.

"Mom, this sucks. Why do I have to be grounded? I didn't do anything wrong, it was Tay that was driving." None of this seemed very fair to Zac. All he had done was got in the car.

"Zac, you went with him. That shows such poor judgement on your part," Diana critizied.

"Poor judgement my foot," Zac muttered as he sulked back to his room. He was allowed to leave, but sulking in his room seemed like the best choice. He piked up the cordless phone that he had strategically placed beneath his bed earlier that day. Silently he dialed Aura's number, praying that she would pick up the phone and not her mother. "Come on, come on," he coaxed silently.

"Hello?" Aura's sweet voice rang through the receiver into his ear.

"Hey," he said softly, careful not to be heard downstairs.

"Zac! Are you off grounding?" Her voice sounded excited.

"No, but I wanted to see how you were feeling," he explained.

"Oh," she sounded disappointed. "I'm fine now."

"That's good. I've missed you, I was lucky that my mom let me see you that one day."

"Hmm, well you could come and see me if you want. My mom's at work right now," she suggested.

"Ok, I'll be right over. Bye." Zac hung up and threw the phone back under Taylor's bed. He grabbed a jacket and pushed open the window, sliding down the huge tree parallel from the window.

I hung up the phone and started down the stair to wait for Zac's arrival. Once I had settled myself down in the living room, the doorbell rang. "That was quick," I thought. I walked to the front door and began pulling it open. "Hey Za... Dad? What are you doing here?"

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