Differences, Changes, Evolving
5-16-2000

I think it's easy to let go. I think it's easy to detach. It's simple. To walk away from a challenge might be more painful, but its easier. It's easy to forget who you are. It's easy to forget who you love. It's easy to forget why you love the way you love and why love means what it does for you. It's easy to bitch about your problems and concerns and not do anything about them. It's easy to pretend that everythings okay. It's easy to laugh about it later. It's not so easy to "let it go."

That's from a book by a guy named Dan Millman. He tells us that when we are weighted down with a concern (mundane, or not) that we should "let it go." But what if these concerns make us who we are? What if the passion and the pain and the joy and the light that we have inside, the truth inside of us that we follow, if we follow it, make us who we are... It's easy to conform because to dispute takes work. It takes confrontation. It's a risk. But every time we go along with something that we are not comfortable with...it takes a part of us away.

Now, theres a difference between dealing with a poorly made meal at a restaurant and grin and bearing an aspect of an interpersonal relationship just to save what is labeled as love. And where does sacrifice come into all of this? Who and what are we loving in this life? Do we love ourselves the way we should? Do we reach out to others? Do we really truly listen to eachother? The outcome of this rant today is just to say...don't forget... when you're living...don't forget what you're made of, where you are, where you've been. Don't forget that conformity and sacrifice is not always the way. And don't forget that theres more out there...

(P.S. Just another thought for the day... As I was reading over some old entries in this "bitch" section, I realized that now, a lot of it sounds really silly to me. I had thought about deleting it, cutting out, but while writing it, I realized, that also, with my poetry, what I have written in the past, may not be great stuff, but it was insightful at the time. It might sound rediculous now, but it was something I had to express at the time, and believe it or not, it's still a part of me inside. Remember, feel free to sign my guestbook or send an email my way telling me what you feel about what I've said, if you are so moved. Best wishes to all. Suo)

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I L O V E Y O U A L L ! !
5-21-98

Okay, so I want to write a Graduation speech. What am I going to say? "Hey the times we had were wonderful, and what am I going to do without you." ?? *sniff* Bullshiznit!! What did you give me, Class of 1998? For 12 years, you gave me insecurity, depression, heartache... What great friends you were!? I'm going to miss you with all of my heart? NO!! Absolutely friggen not!! I'm glad to get out of this crap hole public education system They jail us in like animals, like psycho-paths Why? Well, because we are!! We are not a "gated campus" to keep those "bad people" out It's to keep us monkeys in!! It's refreshing to know that in the fall, I won't be going to school to have someone tell me what I can and cannot wear ...my peers or my elders for that mattter... It's refreshing to know that in the fall, I won't be going to school to have stupid vulking people f*** around during my time to learn Why? Well, because we will all be paying a crap load of money to go there. Why does it have to take that? Why do we need to feel so insecure about ourselves, and it isn't until our last year, when we realize that we may never see eachother again, that we actually show some compassion for eachother? That our confidence is enhanced so greatly during our last moments together as friends? Why is it that we wait so long to accept eachother? So, Class of 1998 ...we've come to that turning point in the road... ...good bye, and I love you all.... huh...

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Scum
4-22-98

My male best friend told me today,
"Men are scum."
I quickly replied,
"Uh, no, men are not scum.
People are scum.
Mankind is scum."
I later went on to say,
"Some kinds of mutant jellyfish are scum."

And I think that pretty much sums it up.

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Love
2-24-98

What is love? 
I've always constantly 
asked myself that question.
Will somebody please tell me? 
It happened tonight. 
I finally discovered the answer.
        
        "Love is patient and kind.
         Love is not jealous or boastful 
         or proud or rude. Love does not
         demand it's own way. 
         Love is not irritable, 
         and it keeps no record 
         of when it has been wronged. It is never
         glad about injustice but rejoices
         whenever the truth wins out.
         Love never gives up, 
         never loses faith,
         is always hopeful, and
         endures through every circumstance."

Wow. Pretty simple, eh? Well, it's from the Bible, for those of you who didn't know. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So there's a reference point for me. For working on fixing the way that I 'love' people. A place to look to when I need help in my relationships.

And believe me, I'm not preaching anything to anyone but myself. I partly write this stuff here because, well, I'm too lazy to but out my diary and write in there. No, my life secrets will not be spilled out here, so if that's what you're looking for, Im sorry. I'm just offering a piece of me. Whether mundane, or completely vulking cheesy....it's me.

I ama learning to stop living my life for other people, and start living it for myself. But there is someone else who I am leaving out of this picture. God. In whatever form it may be in. Whether dying means that your soul ascends or descends, or that it just turns off...if god is The creator..or if we evoluted here...If I live my life, being who I am...and well, yeah, messing up sometimes, but just loving God, god, she, he, it, whatever... Heh, atleast I'll live a happy life, if nothing else, right?

I was thinking a couple hours ago.
It's so easy to not believe in God.
So easy.
Because studying, reading, and living,
The word of God (or of man that God "spoke through" (whatever)
Takes work and Discipline.
Self discipline. No, I do not need
people to control MY MIND.
My spiritual journey,
Whether or not in may be dark it shadows along
the way, and have it's hills, and Resevoirs...and Switchbacks :)
Well...here I am..and here I will love.
(Or atleast put a whole lotta effort in it..GEEZ!!) ((p.s. the next entry on Religion was from like last week...)

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Religion

Though I wouldn't exactly say that
what I have to say here
Could be classified as bitching.
My brother just joined this new church.
It's really great. He was just baptised.
I started going to Bible Studies
So that I could join this Church.
But it's just not for me.
I just can't throw away the spirituality
that I've had for 17 1/2 years of my life.
I feel like they feel that I'm going to hell
For not sticking with them..
And maybe it says that in the bible...
Through their eyes
Or through anyones eyes.
But how many other people in my life,
In the next 60 years
am I gonna run into who are going to tell me
That their religion is right, and that everyone elses is wrong?
I've been reading the Bible.
I don't like to argue something
that I don't have back up for.
They are really nice people and all..but I can't give up my old
friends and my family...I don't think God wants me to do that..
And if He does, and I am going to "Hell"..
Then so be it...

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Beautiful People

1-19-98

If you don't like it here, I don't care.
I'm tired of trying to make people happy.  
It just doesnt happen. 
I just saw a picture of a girl 
who I used to despise in junior high. 
Now I think she's beautiful.  
Still, though we have both changed,
we are the same people we were then.  
But what does it matter? 
Why should I give a shit? 
Well, I don't.  I just think she's beautiful,
but I would never want to see her 
in person because it would ruin it.
I never thought that I was
"good enough"
for her to accept me. 
She would think this is all bullshit 
and that I'm some dumbfuck bitch. 
I say I dont care.  I dont.  
I just think she's beautiful.

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