Restless Spirits




Part One




"But I promise you, if the day ever comes that I see your heart breaking and you can't take it anymore, we'll pack up."


How many years ago did she say that? It was etched into his memory, the words poignant with sincerity. Sully hoisted the axe, grunted as he drove the blade into the log in front of him, watched the wood splitting in half. He relished the tightening of his arm muscles, the lurch of his body. Physical exercise eased the doubts in his mind - momentarily, at least.


He didn't need to chop any more wood for winter. They had plenty on hand. There were other chores he could have been doing but nothing else could smother his thoughts. He was tired of thinking. He had no answers.


Michaela had made that promise before the train came to Colorado Springs, before their wedding. He could remember the angry words they'd exchanged only moments before that, as clearly as he could remember his own despair. At the time he believed that no one cared about how he felt - certainly not the railroad nor the townspeople, not even Michaela. After all, it was Michaela's endorsement that brought the railroad to Colorado Springs.


That day in the clinic, the chief surveyor for the railroad stood there and waited for Michaela to answer his question


"Is the railroad beneficial for the town? Dr. Quinn, let me ask you. Do you believe that the railroad should come?"




She'd looked up at Sully before answering but when she did respond, her voice was strong with conviction. "Yes, I do."


Sully had turned away from her in disgust, convinced that no one understood his fears or cared about them. Up to that point he'd always believed Michaela held sympathy for the Cheyenne and their way of life, that she could see how progress would destroy them. That day it seemed like she put her own interests first. The train would bring medical supplies and new patients. It would help her save more lives, she said. That was her priority - not the Indians, not the land, not the man she intended to marry. That was how he saw it. Later, when she made her promise to him on the front porch of the homestead, he realized that she did care about him after all. He gave in, decided to stay around and face the consequences, fight if anything threatened the lives of the people he loved. Ambitious ideas. What was the word that Michaela often used? Idealistic? Yeah, that was it. He was only fooling himself.


Lives had been threatened and he'd been powerless to stop it. The Cheyenne were slaughtered at Washita. Those left behind were forced onto a government reservation, mistreated by the army. Cloud Dancing was beaten half to death by soldiers. Now his friend was safely stowed away in Montana, healthy and strong and reunited with his people. Sully risked his own life to ensure Cloud Dancing's freedom. He'd broken the laws to escort the medicine man to a safe haven, but not before Sully struggled with O'Connor and plunged off a cliff - not before he'd turned the lives of his family upside-down and became a wanted man, a fugitive hiding out in a cave in the woods. The guilt he carried with him over those months of exile would never leave him. It was destructive. It stopped him from following his heart.


He drove the axe into another log, the force of his self-contempt strengthening the blow. He rarely allowed his feelings to surface, especially not in front of the children or Michaela. If Cloud Dancing was here, the Indian would tell Sully to pray to the spirits, that he had lost his way. He had. He missed Cloud Dancing. Nothing would ever be the same again. His brother was gone and part of Sully was gone as well. There was an empty space inside - a space that no one else could fill.


"Hey Sully, you goin' into town today?"


Brian approached from the direction of the barn, his fingers clutched around the handle of a bucket. Milk sloshed inside the container with each step he took.


"Maybe later. You need somethin'?"


The boy halted beside him. At sixteen years of age, Brian was almost as tall as Sully. It seemed like only yesterday when Sully could hoist Brian up in his arms. Now the boy was a man.


"I promised Miss Dorothy that I'd help with the Gazette today. Just wonderin' if I should wait for you or go in on my own. Guess I'll saddle up Taffy."


Sully nodded and watched him walk toward the house. There once was a time when Brian needed him. He could still remember what it felt like to have the boy look up to him, how he hid his pleasure every time Brian would say, "You know everything, Sully." Now Brian was ready to follow his own path.


He planned to go through college. He wanted to be a journalist. He'd be good at it too. Sully didn't have much 'book learnin' but he liked to read Walt Whitman's poetry. He admired anyone who could string words together like that. Brian would make his own way in the world. He no longer needed Sully's guidance.


Somedays it felt like no one really needed him. Matthew had grown up long ago and he was off in law school. Colleen was married to Andrew and following her dream of becoming a doctor. Katie was still little but, even at four years of age, she already reminded him of Michaela. Strong and independent. Stubborn too. She'd slipped off her swing the other day and hit the ground, the wind knocked from her tiny body. Sully was on his knees beside her before she had time to utter a sound. He'd wrapped his arms around her. To his surprise, Katie struggled against him and pushed him away.


"I'm okay, Poppy," she'd insisted, even though he saw the tears in her blue eyes and the grimace on her face. "Let go."


He'd sat back on his haunches and watched as she reached for the swing and pulled herself back up onto it. Her expression was determined. Nothing would get the best of Katie. She wouldn't allow it. Just like her mother.


He sighed and set the axe down beside the chopping block. Michaela once told him that she'd never needed anyone until she met him. She said it scared her. The truth was, Michaela never really needed him either. She loved him. He was certain of that, but she didn't need him. She was busy at the clinic these days and she earned more money than he did - even with his surveying work. Now that winter was on the way, Sully wouldn't even have the money from the surveying anymore. He would take a break from it until the Spring.


It promised to be a hard winter. Colorado Springs had enjoyed mild winters for the past few years but, judging by the signs, they'd pay for it this year. The animals were gathering up food earlier than usual and the leaves had fallen far too soon. The last snowstorm Sully could remember blew in after Michaela first arrived in Colorado Springs. They were snowed-in that Christmas but, ever since then, the weather had cooperated. Not this year. He knew how to read nature.


Thanksgiving would be in one week's time. Two years had passed since that Thanksgiving when Sully was smuggled into his own home, under the noses of the soldiers guarding their house. It was a horrible time - for all of them - but he'd taken pride in the fact that he'd helped Cloud Dancing, that he'd fought for his convictions. What had he done lately that would matter to anyone? Nothing.


The railroad changed everyone's lives, just as he predicted. A lot of the animals disappeared, either migrating or starving to death. Sully's heart broke long ago but he never told Michaela. He covered up and they were still here. She was content. Her life had changed for the better.


He turned to scan the sky to the north. Once, just before Washita, Michaela had asked him if he wanted to be with the Cheyenne instead of her. He'd turned to her and said, "When will you understand? My heart is with you now."


His heart was still with her. It always would be and yet ….


Preston told him once that Sully was becoming domesticated. Usually Sully paid no attention to the things the man said. Preston wasn't someone he held in high esteem. Yet, when Preston said that, it bothered Sully more than he was willing to admit. He loved his family and his wife. He didn't mind settling down to a normal life but Sully's spirit, the part of him that was still untamed and undefeated, fought against it. It cried out for freedom. His spirit was with Cloud Dancing; tracking deer through the forest, running with the Buffalo, feeling the sun beat down on his upturned face as he surrendered to his visions. No one knew how often he pictured the Cheyenne in his mind and felt their presence in his soul. No one knew how much he missed his brother. No one knew how lonely he felt at times. He'd never tell Michaela. She wouldn't understand. She'd feel threatened by it. Yet, on days like this, Sully wondered if he could pretend much longer. Something was dying inside.


Michaela parted the kitchen curtains with one hand and stared through the windowpane. Sully never glanced in her direction. She stood silently and watched him, a frown creasing her forehead.


Physically, Sully hadn't changed over the years. He was still as slim as ever, his shoulders broad, his arms muscular. His deeply embedded tan merely added to the image he projected - strong and proud, rugged and handsome. She loved to look at him; the long, wavy brown hair, the eyes that reminded her of icy mountain streams, the strong, square jawline and lips that often curved into the faintest hint of a smile. The first time she'd ever laid eyes on him, after she'd recovered from the shock of his unusual attire, she thought he was the most attractive man she'd ever seen. Then he'd thrown that tomahawk and split the sign in Loren Bray's store in half. She was too frightened to look at him again - for a while at least.


No, physically, Sully was as appealing as ever. The muscles strained beneath the thin fabric of his shirt as he raised the axe high into the air and swung it downward. The air vibrated with a loud crack as the blade sliced through the log. Michaela felt an old familiar stirring and she drew in her breath.


Something else had changed though, something deep inside of him. It worried her. Sully was troubled. She could see it in his eyes whenever he lowered his guard. At those times, he was unaware that Michaela studied him. He would cover quickly if he noticed her - yet, not quickly enough.


Today he was too far away. She couldn't see his expression but she could read his body language. He swung the axe like a weapon, slashing out with an anger that she didn't understand. She could ask him about it but she knew, instinctively, that he wasn't ready to confide in her. Sully was such a private man. It was one of the things about him that drove her to distraction. It was also one of the things that had attracted her to him initially.


They had a good life - at least Michaela thought they did. Her practice was well established now and people were finally paying for her services. They had many loyal friends in Colorado Springs. Colleen was happily married to Andrew and pulling top marks in medical school. Matthew was pursuing his interest in law and studying to become a lawyer. Brian was well on his way to a career in journalism and Katie … well, Katie was a true joy. Sully had every reason to be happy. Yet, he wasn't. She knew it and it filled her with dread.


Once, after Sully fell from the cliff and no one could find him, Michaela thought she'd lost him forever. She'd never felt anything so devastating, so crippling. Even though he survived and eventually came home to her again, Michaela had never forgotten that feeling. Life without Sully was unthinkable. Unbearable. There were still times at night when she was unable to sleep. She'd lie awake for hours, staring at his face as he slept, her hand resting on his chest. His even, steady breathing reassured her that all was well, that he would still be beside her in the morning. How was it possible to love someone this much? Did other women feel this way about their husbands, especially after five years of marriage? It didn't seem likely.


Katie pulled a chair over to the counter and climbed up beside her.


"What are you looking at, Mama?"


Michaela smiled down at her and smoothed the child's hair with one hand. "Just your Daddy, honey. He's busy cutting firewood for us."


Katie stared through the windowpane and a smile lit her features. "Poppy promised that we'd go into the woods today - after you leave for town. We're going fishin'."


Michaela hesitated. "Maybe you should come to the clinic with me today, Katie. I think your father needs some time alone."


The little girl's face clouded over. "But he promised! I want to go with him!"


This wasn't going to be easy. Katie had that 'I'm not giving in and I'm not listening' look on her face. Michaela knelt down beside her chair and placed her hands on either side of the little girl's waist. "I know he did, and he would take you with him if you asked him, I'm sure. Sometimes, Katie, grown-ups need time by themselves but they won't say it out loud because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Your daddy needs some time alone right now."


Katie scowled. "He told you?"


"No, not exactly," Michaela admitted, "but I know him. Listen, if you come with me, you can help me all day long. I'll let you hand me the instruments and help me measure out my medicines. What do you think of that?"


Katie bit down on her lip and stared out at Sully. She was so different than Colleen. When she was young, Colleen would have jumped at the chance to spend time with Michaela in the clinic. Katie was more like Sully. She liked to roam the woods and be surrounded by nature. In many ways she was her father's daughter, even though she had Michaela's temperament. Sometimes Michaela feel slightly envious of their relationship. Katie could enter a world that excluded her mother - Sully's world.


"I guess so," Katie finally said, her words slow with reluctance. "I'll go tell Poppy."


Michaela gave her a quick hug and Katie climbed down from the chair. As she scurried outside, Michaela stood up and watched through the window. The child headed directly toward her father.


Sully no longer held the axe. Instead he'd been standing perfectly still, his chin raised into the air as he stared into the northern sky. He didn't seem to notice Katie until the little girl was halfway across the yard. He spun around when he heard her and held out his arms. Katie charged toward him and he hoisted her off the ground. She settled up against his chest, her hands locked behind his head, and Michaela could hear the high pitch of her voice even though the words were indistinguishable. Sully was smiling at her, allowing her to chatter away uninterrupted.


He was so good with children. It truly amazed her when she first met him. He'd taken Brian under his wing. Both Colleen and Matthew adored him. She would have never expected it - not from a man with his lifestyle.


Sully was full of surprises but he revealed his past bit by bit. It took years before Michaela knew much about his history and there were still things he'd never told her. She didn't push him. She'd learned to respect his nature long ago. Sully told her whatever she needed to know, when she needed to know it. According to him, that was enough.


She shook her head and left the window. As she gathered up her medical supplies and shoved everything into her saddlebags, a thought struck her. She'd seen that same look, the one that surfaced in Sully's eyes, reflected on Dorothy's face lately. She hadn't realized it until that moment. Dorothy was missing Cloud Dancing. She often revealed her feelings to Michaela.


"Sometimes I think I'll never see him again," Dorothy would say softly. "Oh Michaela, I don't know if I could stand that!"


Yes, it was the same look. How could she have missed it? Sully must be missing his friend. That was probably all there was to it. After Thanksgiving, Michaela would encourage him to visit Cloud Dancing. It would cure his despondency. He'd come home and settle into life with his family once more. She resolved to tell him about her plans tonight, after their evening meal, and refuse to take 'no' for an answer. Sully would go to see Cloud Dancing and the light would return to his face again. In her mind, the problem was already solved.


She grabbed her coat from the hook by the front door, slung the saddlebags over one shoulder and left the house. Sully lowered Katie to the ground as Michaela approached them.


"I hear Katie's goin' with you today?"


Michaela smiled brightly.


"Yes. I need some help and Katie will make a fine assistant, won't you Katie?" She reached down to pat the child's head, a pleading expression on her face.


Katie caught the look and lowered her eyes. "Yes Mama," she said softly.


Sully hesitated, frowning. "She says I need time alone. Where would she get that idea from?"


Michaela shrugged. "Oh, you know Katie. She has her own ideas."


Before he had a chance to question her any further, Michaela leaned forward and planted a kiss on his lips. Her intention had been to distract him but he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him. The kiss deepened.


"So does her mother," he murmured. "Come to think of it, I got a few ideas of my own."


She began to weaken and forced herself to step away from him. Even after all this time, Sully made her heart race every time he touched her. It would be difficult to send him to Cloud Dancing but she'd have to get along without him for a time. In the long run, sending him away would bring him back to her that much sooner. She'd tell him - tonight.


He found Sully sitting on a log beside the stream, his back turned as he looked out over the water. Even from a distance, Cloud Dancing could feel Sully's mood. The connection worked both ways. Even though the medicine man made no sound, Sully sensed his friend's presence and twisted around. His face broke out into a wide smile.


"Cloud Dancin'!"


The two men cleared the space between them and embraced. Sully was the first to pull back.


"What are you doin' here?"


Cloud Dancing returned his smile. "I came to see my brother."


"All the way from Montana? I'm glad to see ya but …." The Cheyenne laid a hand on Sully's shoulder. "The spirits told me to come."


Sully frowned. "Why?"


Cloud Dancing moved over and sat down on Sully's log. He stared out at the water without answering. Sully joined him, sitting beside him and waiting patiently.


A warmth wrapped around Cloud Dancing's heart, a feeling that had been missing for a long while. Sitting there, beside this man who had become his brother, filled the Indian with a contentment that he couldn't express in words. He'd once told Sully that the Cheyenne in Montana were no longer his family - that the people he left behind in Colorado Springs were his family now. He still felt that way, even though the white men conspired to keep them apart. When the visions came and instructed him to return to this place, he'd felt grateful for the opportunity. Sully needed him. That's what his spirits told him. The truth was, he needed Sully too.


"I've had many dreams of you, my brother," he answered now, steadily meeting Sully's gaze. "I see you standing against a strong wind, a powerful force. You are trying to move forward but the wind pushes you backward. You are unable to fight against it."


Sully frowned. "What does it mean?"


"I am not sure" Cloud Dancing answered. "but I think you know. I have been sent her to help you find your way."


Sully lowered his eyes. "I don't know what to do," he admitted softly.


Cloud Dancing touched his arm. "Is there something wrong with the children or Michaela?"


"No, they're fine."


The medicine man nodded. "Then, it is you. You are not fine."


It wasn't a question. There was no need for Sully to answer. Cloud Dancing continued. "I have sensed a war within you, my friend. A great battle. You are fighting to hold onto something. Is it Michaela? Sometimes a man can lose his passion for a woman, when they have been together for many nights."


Sully shook his head quickly. "No, no. It's nothing like that. Michaela and I are …. Well, we're still good ….together. The feeling is still strong. That hasn't changed."


Cloud Dancing waited, watching as Sully struggled for words. "I… I can't explain….I don't know…" He let the sentence trail off, unfinished.


"I see," Cloud Dancing said quietly. "You have no name for it. You have not prayed about it. You have not asked for direction."


Sully sighed. "I didn't want to think about it. I guess I pushed it away."


"That was your first mistake. You must face what comes your way. It is the only way to move through to the other side."


"I know."


They sat still, looking out at the mountains in the distance for a long time, not speaking. The afternoon sunlight filtered through the trees, shimmered across the ripples of the water. A cool wind stirred the air and Sully wrapped his arms around his body.


"Will you help me?" Sully finally asked.


Cloud Dancing nodded. "That is why I am here."


Once more, Sully sighed. "I need to tell Michaela."


"I will tell her," Cloud Dancing stated. "She will understand."


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