Gone in 60 Seconds

The troopers face the ultimate "fear" as they prepare to carry the old ball and chain.

Analysis

To be honest, it's after viewing an episode like "Gone in 60 Seconds" that I feel relieved that this season is finally over. Don't get me wrong, it isn't the mission--unlike last year's lousy theme song--that ticks me off, but rather the whole format--particulary in the second half, which left me asking, "What the hell did I just see?".

There's a sequence here where after the Roadies say their "I do's", they warp back to LA, collect their handsome reward, have their final dinner, and say their final good-bye's at the airport--all of which seems to transpire in under 5 minutes. It's almost as if the editors were casually constructing this episode when someone realized, "Woah! We've got 10 minutes left and we're still on the freaking wedding mission?! Let's crank this baby up!" I mean the final dinner lacked any meaty character interactions--typical of past seasons--in the form of confessions and unexpected bombshells. Plus, there's the neglected Laterrian/Kathy plot thread, which is practically screaming for "follow up"--if not closure, but alas, no such luck.

And the final good-bye's at the airport was by far the lamest ending since The Northern Trail finale; and even there the cast was at least allowed a group hug. Here, all we get is a hug from Bumpkin and a sign-off from James lamenting, "That's it!". Ya, that's it all right, I've had it up to Mt. Everest with B-M's crappy formatting.

As for the groups' handsome reward of $97,000, or $16,000 something a piece, it defiantly scores higher than last year's lousy CP; however, spare me the shoehorned Cobalt product placement, which supplies the troopers with an On-line account. Besides, depending on interest I'd rather have my greenbacks in my hand.

But by far the main headline in this episode is the final mission, where the Roadies find themselves scavenging the City of Lights for the best wedding a $5,000 credit limit can buy. However, the Great Gender Divide is as prevalent as it was in "No One Ever Ask". Here the girls (led by Kathy) appoint themselves "wedding coordinators". They reserve a hotel room, a stretch limo, and a 10pm wedding ceremony at the drive-thru Little White Chapel. In addition, the girls take on the job of picking out rings for them and the guys--all the while making sure they fulfill their end of the contract to advertise the latest B-M promotional products, a la the Cobalt Card.

Meanwhile the guys, or should I say James and Bumpkin, appear to have regressed back to the ripeful age of 10. They spend nearly the entire mission displaying this childlike rebellion against the girls' so-called hijacking of the mission. Oh really? And what have you "boys" accomplished other than running up the hotel bill on room service wine, blowing 50 minutes in the bathroom, and goofing off at the wedding chapel like you're at Chucky Cheese?

I'm with the girls on this one, if they had left this mission up to the guys it'd be total chaos. And can someone please explain to me why James and Bumpkin are running around town in their bathrobes? James even tries to get "difficult" with Bouncer Billie, but ends up putting his foot in his mouth when our gal Billie fails to play up to his immature stunts. realizing there're up against 3 overbearing girls and 1 slimy, greasy tuxedo chick, James and Bumpkin call an "emergency" group meeting in the limo to go on the offensive--proclaiming that they intend to take their mission back. But why do they even deserve to have it back? I mean how much effort does it take to just shut your piehole and pick out a damn tux for crying out loud? Must you prove yourself an obnoxious clown just to get your point across? Throughout this fiasco Laterrian comes off as the Frat Dudes' reluctant third wheel. He may privately agree with the girls on some of the issues, but as Folly points out, he has a tendency to get "sucked in". Eventually the girls are able to sedate the guys just in time for the ceremony.

Fashion wise our three couples could easily grace the cover of Vanity Fair: James sports his Ben Stiller all black shirt, tie, and shades while M'saada (not the dress lover mind you) wears a white ankle length constricting dress; Bumpkin, adhering to his roots, goes barefoot--the only thing he's missing now is a straw hat--while his bride-to-be, Kathy dons a puffy Barbie Doll dress with a train long enough that it requires its own caboose; and last but not least Laterrian looks sharp as a tack in his 1940's era Zootsuit with matching hat and chain while Folly dons her sleek, flowing Adrew Hepburn dress.

Justice of the Peace Merle takes the troopers through the traditional ceremonial rhetoric, which concludes with the big kiss. But the troopers pull a cop-out by pecking each other on the cheek. C'mon, what- no tongue action? You call that a wedding? At this point the editors hit the fast-forward button, and thus we're denied witnessing such post ceremonial rituals such as the removal of the guarder and the throwing of the bouquet; but since this is a gimmicky wedding, who really cares?


WHAT'S NEXT: Stay tuned for another inquisitive Road Rules season recap.


Go back to "Dare to be Stupid". Or start all over again at "Walking on the Wind".

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