Subject:
Gates vs GM
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mpg.'
GM recently addressed this comment by releasing the statement 'Yes, but would you
want your car to crash twice a day?,' and offered the following comparisons:
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept
this, restart the car and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you
would have to reinstall the whole engine. For some strange reason, you would have to
accept this too.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought 'Car95' or
'CarNT', but then you would have to buy and install more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was perfectly reliable,
ran five times faster, and was twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of
the roads.
- The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which
would make their cars run much slower, and begin to crash.
- The red oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single blue
general protection fault warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butts.
- The airbag system would ask 'are you sure?' before going off.
- If you were ever involved in a crash, you would have no idea what caused it, or what you
can do to prevent subsequent crashes from occuring in the future.
"Higher Source"
raises stakes in internet industry
by Charles Forsythe
REDMOND -- Microsoft Corporation has announced plans
to acquire the Website and Internet development corporation Higher Source for an
undisclosed fee. "Higher Source has proven its commitment to strange mind-control
cults and UFO religions," said Microsoft spokeswoman, Anita Klue,"Their
willingness to kill themselves for the sake of their technology is the kind of dynamic
that Microsoft wants to promote."
In conjunction with the acquisition, Microsoft
announced a new program called "Active Cult 2000", which is expected to be in
place by late 2001. Active Cult aims to make the use of Microsoft technology more of a
religion-driven decision as opposed to a technology-driven decision. "This isn't
expected to be a big change for Microsoft's customer base," explained Ms. Klue.
Details of Active Cult were not disclosed, but it was suggested that instead of crashing
with the infamous "blue screen of death" or "General Protection
Fault", Microsoft's operating systems would merely display the message "Windows
died for your sins."
Mike S. Brown, who writes about the industry in his
PC Weak column "M.S. Brown Knows" responded enthusiastically to the
announcement. "This really raises the stakes for Internet development. IBM may be
content to kill its own products, like OS/2, but Microsoft is willing to kill its own
developers and maybe even some customers. That's the kind of bold difference that will
make UNIX, OS/2 and the Mac completely irrelevant by the end of 1998!" When is was
pointed out that 1998 was already over, Mr. Brown retorted,"No it's not! If it was,
then Microsoft would be behind schedule on Windows 2000 -- which it isn't."
An IBM employee, who asked to remain anonymous due to
the fact that the whole issue was "extremely silly," said that "IBM is
committed to the future of network computing and OS/2 is an important part of that
future." He added that,"IBM is not interested in promoting suicide. If you want
to talk about promoting suicide, talk to Microsoft's ISVs. Can you say `Citrix'?"
Reaction amongst Windows users was generally
positive. Ben de Miover, CIO for a large company which recently switched its operations
from the Apple Macintosh to Windows 95, explained,"Windows is really cool because you
can play Quake in, like, a window and stuff." He also cited a complete lack of
Windows 98 applications for the MacIntosh. "How can modern business function without
Windows 98 applications. Y'know, like Quake?" In addition, he was pretty sure that
OS/2 and UNIX were "new wave bands from L.A."
Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment.
WIN 98's SOURCE CODE
>/*
>TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
>Project: Chicago(tm)
>Projected release-date: Summer 1998
>*/
>
>#include "win31.h"
>#include "win95.h"
>#include "evenmore.h"
>#include "oldstuff.h"
>#include "billrulz.h"
>#define INSTALL = HARD
>
>char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
>
>void main()
>{
>while(!CRASHED)
>{
>display_copyright_message();
>display_bill_rules_message();
>do_nothing_loop();
>if (first_time_installation)
>{
>make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
>do_nothing_loop();
>totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
>search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
>hang_system();
>}
>write_something(anything);
>display_copyright_message();
>do_nothing_loop();
>do_some_stuff();
>if (still_not_crashed)
>{
>display_copyright_message();
>do_nothing_loop();
>basically_run_windows_3.1();
>do_nothing_loop();
>do_nothing_loop();
>do_nothing_loop();
>}
>}
>
>if (detect_cache())
>disable_cache();
>
>if (fast_cpu())
>{
>set_wait_states(lots);
>set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
>set_mouse(action, jumpy);
>set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
>}
>
>/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
>/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
>printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
>if (system_ok())
>{
>bsod(random_err());
>crash(to_dos_prompt);
>}
>else
>system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
>
>while(something)
>{
>sleep(5);
>get_user_input();
>sleep(5);
>act_on_user_input();
>sleep(5);
>}
>create_general_protection_fault();
>}
One of those "Dear Jen" letters...
Dear Jenny,
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out.
Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last
spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the
camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the
campfire, you
know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military
camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp
Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted
pinto beans
and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It
was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had
known. He left three weeks ago. I don't
know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.
These are some of my little Billy's letters.
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're
learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay
up.
Love, Billy.
**
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what
we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm
getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked, two.
**
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green
computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside
very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I
went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
**
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared
the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled.
Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and
a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can
talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
**
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written.
I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's
really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in
five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says
that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, Bill.
**
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that
much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in.
Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After
all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway,
I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, Bill.
**
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True... physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of
you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e.
the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write
again, and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication
drain me.
Sincerely, Bill.
****
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do,
Jenny? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing
these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you
to do so.
Thank you very much,
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that
ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender
computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer
experts. The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was
asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the
masculine gender. They were asked to give 4reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:
- In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
- The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
- The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
are the problem.
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
 A man walks into
a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points toward three
identical monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly, natural mini-habitats.
``The one on the left cost $500,'' says the
store owner. ``Why so much?'' asks the customer. ``Because it can program in C,'' answers
the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey
and is told, ``That one cost $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational
technology.''
The startled man then asks about the third
monkey. ``That one costs $3000,'' answers the store owner. ``3000 dollars!!'' exclaims the
man. ``What can that one do?'' To which the owner replies,
``To be honest, I've never seen it do a
single thing, but it calls itself a 'Consultant'.''
If Operating Systems were beers....
- DOS Beer:
- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now
comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each,
which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people
are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
- Mac Beer:
- At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you
take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you
call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A
notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
- Windows 3.1 Beer:
- The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink
several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very
slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.
Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
- OS/2 Beer:
- Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat
slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them
up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International
Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
- Windows 95 Beer:
- Not many have bought it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it
and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16
oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their
friends who try Windows 95 Beer, say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at
the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
- Windows NT Beer:
- Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like
Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like
Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial
strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
- Unix Beer:
- Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64
oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all
the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try
to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which
case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking
Unix Beer for several years.
- AmigaDOS Beer:
- The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer
never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing.
Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally
came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32- oz. cans too. When this can was originally
introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the
years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for
watching TV anyway.
- VMS Beer:
- Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call
the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred
to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once
listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have
actually seen it.
NOTE:
The biggest problem is before you can drink any one of them you have
to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.
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The Pat Buchanan Virus
Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign
software.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT
VIRUS
The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on
each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
Kevorkian Virus
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
PBS Virus
Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.
Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole
thing quits.
The Terminator Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Gallup Virus
60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data
14% of the time
(plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)
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